Fear Of Being Honest/rejection In Relationship

[ItsMeIA]

So me and my GF date for half a year now. The only reason i fell in love with her is because she is open minded to self development and is taking action on her problems to solve them instead of bitching and moaning. NO FEMALE I ENCOUNTERED IN MY LIFE HAD THOSE QUALITIES. 

Anyway, now it's the phase where we start getting deep... Sharing our shadow sides. So long story short, I thought it'll be a good idea to start a brutally honest talk in the fucking whatsapp, not seeing that this is a terrible platform for heart talk (we did these talks in person up until now). I've shared with her that i get triggered sometimes by her looks because it doesn't match what i've been conditioned to believe a woman should look like (giant ass/tits, perfect face etc.) and that hit her on a very deep and personal level because she has a trauma around her looks. Yesterday we met and she cried  a lot, and i'm sort of puzzled about how what i've said caused this and what should i do...

Now it just feels like i shouldn't be honest with people because i always end up hurting them and feel so much self hate for that because it's not the first time i don't understand how i end up hurting the one i love the most. I also have an irrational expectation that she "just supposed to understand" that this is not what i really think of her because i'm in love so deeply with this woman that it goes beyond words or looks... She is really one of a kind for me. Not perfect but i accept that and she accepts me (at least i hope). 

What should i do? She is hurt and claims it'll take her time to heal and i have no fucking idea how being honest got us to this situation. I thought being honest will be an objective experience of two somewhat aware beings. Turns out it went down hill to reactive and drama land where awareness is long out of sight.

Thanks for the help!

[egoeimai]

You are such a j***.

Now,that I released some hatred, ?, you should have been nicer to her. What you did, hurt her ego.

And you dont love her,because If you did,you would accept her with ALL her flaws. Try again.

Good luck.

And dont be needy. You made a mistake,we are human beings we make mistakes,but now ask for forgiveness and dont do that again. You thought she was egoless because of her spiritual interest? Well,noone is perfect.

[LiakosN]

I dont agree with egoeimai. 

You told the truth man. Well done. Actually you didn't hurt her. She hurt herself by believing what you said. She took it personally because deep down she agrees with your opinion.

As Byron Katie said: nobody can hurt me, thats my job. 

 

[Michael569]

As long as she has this "trauma" about her body, this topic will be a mental minefield and it will probably remain so for decades to come. (I am saying trauma with "" because it is not something that could not be changed.)  As soon as you subconsciously check another woman's bum and she notices, here you go again...down spiral of jealousy and self pity. Maybe not as tragic but it will always be there as her trigger button. 

I agree with @LiakosN, you did well to tell her that and now you both know about it. Next step is to work on her mindset. You said she is open to personal growth, good. Not many people are.  And physical looks, especially body is not a freaking disease or a birth deffect. Even if her "proportions" aren't ideal she can still have a beautiful figure if she works on herself, I've seen it done times and times over. Seen my fat elementary girl classmates and my jaw dropped when they turned out to be ridiculously hot year after  ( or vice versa :)) . But I think the real growth can only occur once she accepts herself as she is, no amount of gym and diet can change the mind. 

 

 

 

 

[Nahm]

@ItsMeIA You state you have been conditioned as if you know that, but clearly you don't know, because your words came from your conditioning. 

To repair, write out a few pages about what you see in her. Then throw that in the garbage and start over. Do that numerous times until you have to pause to wipe your own tears away because you realize the beauty of the entire universe is within her, is her. It is in everything and it is right there in front of your face always, and you're missing it. 

[ItsMeIA]

didn't expect so many helping hands... THANK YOU ALL. I've spoke with her the day after and focused on 1) realizing the big picture of us reacting to our ego and 2) reminding ourselfs why we are together in the first place. Worked really well actually and now we are moving forward

On any case, yeah a lot of work is ahead of us, but we are ready.  Hate to admit it but i do think and act as though we are perfect... kind of a theme around my life that i don't know how to tackle.                                

[Visitor]

Getting into a REAL relationship is not like going to a wedding but to a funeral (for the ego).

[ItsMeIA]

6 minutes ago, Visitor said:

Getting into a REAL relationship is not like going to a wedding but to a funeral (for the ego).

Amen to that. That's why being honest is so critical... and scary

[TimStr]

@ItsMeIA

WhatsApp is no good for any kind of intimate or honest communication. You learned your lesson right there. If you want to have REAL honest talks, do it when the two of you are alone in an relaxed environment. The other person being present, I find, is crucial because you also want the physical and emotional connection you don't get if your just exchanging information with WhatsApp.

I remember that there's a great chapter in Brad Blantons book Radical Honesty about how to practice honesty and telling the truth to each other in relationships. He says, that telling the truth is crucial for making an intimate relationship work. And he advocates telling the truth with absolutely no respect for the other persons ego BUT in a very kind and loving manner. I think it's part of Leo's booklist. It's a great and fun read and, although written by a western psychotherapist, it taps right in the heart of the matter of what truth on a spiritual level is about. 

Make sure to check that one out. 

Edited May 27, 2017 by TimStr

[YaNanNallari]

I saw you already commented after I wrote this so here goes anyway.

Imo being honest isn't important on it's own. It's about being truthful in other ways. Also did you hurt her or did she "hurt herself" getting offended? Sure she did hurt herself in a way but it's not like at the moment she has power and awareness over it. Wanting the best for her and you in this situation would have meant that you either don't say anything or say it face to face in a very delicate manner. This is situational probably depending on whether you think that's important to express. To be honest though why the hell would you care about some beauty standards . Your mind might want to jump from honesty is never a good idea to always be honest. You have to figure out something in between those two.

If you do love her and accept her then you obviously don't really care about her looks that much. Sure they might be inspiring or attractive and you like that stuff but it's not what really matters to you. Consider explaining that those were just some shallow thoughts and you don't really feel that way about her looks? Also being honest shouldn't mean saying whatever ego is thinking. Try to say more truthful things instead, things that are thought out and from the higher self (of course that's not always possible but it's a good idea to try).

Letting her go for a while and taking a break shouldn't bother you that much either. I mean you don't need her in your life and you don't have to be attached to her. Also understanding it's good for her also helps.