Being Very Quiet In Social Situations

[electroBeam]

Hey guys.

I'm struggling with a very difficult issue I have in social situations.

When I go cold approach at a bar and try and mingle with the other groups, I get negative responses from individuals about my company in being in that group.

The responses I usually get involve:

- the group isn't interested in what I am talking about -> but how can I figure this out? Because even asking the entire group questions like "what do you study" seems boring.

- I struggle to find something interesting or funny to say. Authentically I don't have anything interesting to say in a lot of the situations, and when I try to find something to say, as Alan Watts states, it just makes my creativity even worse.

- I have a fear that the thing I'm going to say, is going to be annoying, or boring, or obvious, and therefore decrease my likeablility in the group.

- I always feel disconnected while cold approaching a new group, because for starters, the group already finds you annoying to just randomly join their group anyway, but also because the group tends to talk about their past experiences together, and things they are interested in, that I have no idea of. This makes it entirely difficult to join in on conversations, because you have no idea on what they are talking about. You can ask them generic questions about those experiences, but the responses are always lacking.

I understand that a lot of the above comes from low self esteem and a requirement of inner work, but what are some materialistic PD style theory I can look up to rectify or reduce the external outcome of the situation?

Thanks!

[Ludwig]

 

[Loreena]

@electroBeam To me this doesn't appear to be a problem,rather a natural consequence of what you are doing. I mean if I were in a group and if someone randomly approached my group, I would prefer to be silent or just give boring generic answers. There is always a lingering feeling of distrust and there would be questions running through my mind like what is this person doing here. We live in a very unstable world and the rising crime stats do not make it any easier to trust a stranger. 

Conversely, I'd  be more open and intuitive with someone that I've known since a long time so there will be some sort of connection and flow in the conversation. 

You need to take into account another factor and that is the people you are interacting with are not very familiar with your history/background just as you're unfamiliar with their's. So they don't have much to go on with. They don't know what to ask you. 

And the fact that you're probably meeting them for the first time makes it difficult to bring up more stuff to talk about. 

You might have to hang around with the kind of folks that are not very apprehensive about unfamiliar people. The ones who are more open to cold approaches and who have the same mental needs as you. The ones who are free to engage in conversations and readily available to hang out with anywhere anytime. 

[Loreena]

Another thing I wanted to add and that is when you are cold approaching people and if they find you struggling to come up with topics to talk about, you might come off as someone  trying to hard to get their attention or as a needy/desperate person and that might push them away instead of attracting them to you. 

You need to appear independent and detached, not disinterested but detached as though you don't really need them. 

Plus there should be a common link between you and them. For example, let's say you bring up Alan Watts in your discussions but if they have hardly ever heard of Alan Watts, then there is really no use because there is no way to extend that discussion. You kinda come at a crossroads. So you should be able to talk about stuff that they can relate to. You will need to be selective in your approaches. For example, if you're not interested in music and you come across a group at a concert and they're all talking about music, its best to avoid the bunch because you don't share common interests with them so obviously they'd get bored after talking to you for a while because there is no connection. So search a group that has common interests. If you like to talk about meditation, search groups that are interested in it too. 

[jjer94]

20 hours ago, electroBeam said:

When I go cold approach at a bar and try and mingle with the other groups,

This is your problem, not the other points. 

I suggest avoiding bars. Based on what I've read from you, you're probably going to relate to very few people.

Cold approaches are a great way to build confidence. But don't expect to make any lasting friendships or deep meaningful conversation. 

Instead, I suggest joining a group or meetup that shares the same interests. By meeting people with a common interest,

• They will be interested in what you have to say.
• You won't struggle to find something interesting to say, because you have a built-in topic of conversation.
• They will trust you right away. As opposed to you being a stranger that randomly approaches. 
• You will feel connected right away because you're all doing the same activity together.

Websites like meetup.com are good for finding groups. Also, for people like you, improv comedy is a fantastic way to connect with others and get out of your comfort zone, minus the awkwardness of cold approach. If you're still in college, tons of student organizations are available to join.

As for your being afraid of what to say, contemplate this: What do you want from these people? Obviously, you want something from them, otherwise you wouldn't be afraid of saying anything.

Cheers.

[electroBeam]

5 hours ago, Loreena said:

You need to appear independent and detached, not disinterested but detached as though you don't really need them.

Great point! I make that mistake in romantic cold approaches too.

5 hours ago, Loreena said:

Plus there should be a common link between you and them.

Finding that out is the part where I get stuck. Because people usually are disinterested in talking to you about themselves. I'm talking about situations like university pub crawls. The common link between us is that we both go to the same university, but even that isn't good enough in 99% of cases(although the American international students are the best. Americans are great, they'll talk to anyone, infact I think cold approach is embedded in their culture). 

 

5 hours ago, Loreena said:

If you like to talk about meditation, search groups that are interested in it too. 

hahaha a group in a bar, sitting around a small round table, talking about meditation and the Buddha.

 

5 hours ago, Loreena said:

I mean if I were in a group and if someone randomly approached my group, I would prefer to be silent or just give boring generic answers.

This problem isn't just limited to me cold approaching new groups. Say there's a group of 10 people, and I know 1 of them(pretty well) the isolation is still there, because that entire group will all be close to each other somehow, and I'll usually be the odd one out, and trying to somehow come up with stuff while they are all talking about how Joe got drunk real bad 2 weeks ago is hard. Or they may be talking about some music band that I have no idea of, or something else. But people make friends, so I must be doing something wrong. I think I'm not good at small talk, but there's no resources out there for improving it. 

31 minutes ago, jjer94 said:

If you're still in college, tons of student organizations are available to join.

Good point. Though sometimes I run into the same problems stated above, even interacting with people in these clubs and societies. Do you think that another possibility is that I don't have enough general knowledge? Thanks!

[jjer94]

7 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Do you think that another possibility is that I don't have enough general knowledge?

Sounds to me like you're trying to excuse yourself from social interaction. I'm sure you've read all there is to know about social games, but the map is not the territory. Practice begins in socializing itself, not in reading books. So just keep doing it, and you'll get better.