Long Distance Relationships? Your Opinion

[Kvath]

Hi actualized, I've been in a long distance relationship for 2 months now with this girl with which I really really like. Before that we've been together for 3 months. 

I was always too skeptic about going on with a relationship on those terms (long distance, monogamous) and she knew about it, nevertheless I accepted because she has made me feel that it's worth it (And she passed my "filters" even though I'm picky). The thing is lately I've been feeling that things are starting to cool off on her side. It could be because of her work, which is apparently a lot, but I feel that she's been more aloof in the last weeks.

I know that this can also be affected because of the fact that I'm shifting careers right now and I'm going from anthropology to online work with copywriting and I know she's worried about it (basically I'm living in my family's house now  ). She's told me explicitly that she doesn't have so much time right now (she's turning 31 this year and me 25) and stability is important for her. About this I only want to say that I wouldn't mind being with her for more time but I'm not changing my mind on the career change topic.

We will be seeing each other around august/september and we've spoke about me going to europe and living together for a while but that will only happen around january/february next year.

If a question would be made it would be How do I change this? I don't want to loose her. Don't get me wrong... I'm someone with options (when comes to girls)... but I'd really love to be with her.

If I've done something bad in all this proccess is, maybe, that I've been neurotic about this topic wanting to decide dates and plans to meet so we can make this thing work. Actions which I don't regret.

I'd love to have a tailored answer for my specific case if someone wants to venture out to try it but if that's not possible I'd love to hear community's opinion on long distance relationships and any advice that you can have about them. Thanks

[faith]

Long distance relationships are pretty hard. We are meant for closeness and intimacy, and you won't get that over Skype. My view is this: if you really love this girl, then suck it up, stop feeling neurotic (by the way, you're feeling neurotic because you don't fully trust her, which makes me think you don't really know her that well), wait till August, and lastly, accept the possibility that it is not meant to be. 

The problem is your relationship is very fresh and not very grounded. It takes YEARS to develop a trusting relationship, unless you're a little older (adults are generally much better at generating trust and acceptance for each other). If you're young and she is young, chances are that by August, either you or she will slowly forget your good times together, and may want some new experiences, possibly with someone else. Young people suppose to have sex with many, many, many people. It'll make you a better person when you're older. So I wouldn't get attached. I think you need to hook up with some girls who live in the area. If you have a lot of love to give, give it to someone within reach. 

Of course, I could be very wrong about all this, as my answer is only a generalization based on life experience and observation. 

I know what it feels like. I know you really, really want THAT person, and you want to be happy with that person. But I am sorry to say this, life is real. If you don't know what that means, you just have to go through it to understand.

Good luck, and spread love!!!

[Annie]

@Kvath  I've been down that road myself (successfully by the way, we got married and have children) and it's anything but easy, don't be fooled. You need basically three things:

1. Love (you both need to feel like the other one is worth the wait and effort)

2. Patience (good things come to those who wait)

3. Stubbornness (in case your patience runs thin)

If you really want to be with her then there's not much to think about, just make it happen!

[FindingPeace]

17 hours ago, Kvath said:

I'd love to have a tailored answer for my specific case if someone wants to venture out to try it but if that's not possible I'd love to hear community's opinion on long distance relationships and any advice that you can have about them. Thanks

There is a fundamental issue with long-distance relationships and that is that it is difficult to know what the other person is thinking, feeling and doing because you are not in direct contact. So you end up spending time inventing stories about what might be happening and why.

This highlights my main point here. And this applies to all relationships and especially long-distance ones where regular contact is limited. The point is this: communication.

The only way people in a relationship can understand exactly where they stand is by communicating with one another. Open, honest, communication. There should never be any doubt in a healthy relationship. There should be no need to guess what is going on or what the other person is thinking. No uncertainty or anxiety. Regular, open communication will always keep you in the picture provided that you both are comfortable enough to not only express yourselves and your concerns but also to hear what each other says.

The very fact that you are comming on to this forum to ask random strangers about the nature of your relationship highlights that you do not have an open channel of communication with this woman. Otherwise you would be writing this question to her.

As always, communicate. If you find yourself guessing or talking to anyone else except for your girlfirend, then there already some warning signs that things aren't right.

4 hours ago, Annie said:

You need basically three things:

Where's No. 4? Communication. People seem to forget this one a lot. And it's probably the most important thing of all in any kind of relationship.

[Annie]

43 minutes ago, FindingPeace said:

Where's No. 4? Communication. People seem to forget this one a lot. And it's probably the most important thing of all in any kind of relationship.

Of course it's important. But that applies to all relationships, not only long distance.

[Kvath]

Thanks a lot for your opinions people

On 2017-5-19 at 0:05 AM, faithful said:

stop feeling neurotic (by the way, you're feeling neurotic because you don't fully trust her, which makes me think you don't really know her that well)

You nailed it. Obviously there's so much you can get to "know" someone in a short span of time as 3 months. I keep that in mind and can say that it also feeds my neuroticism jaja Yeah... actually I can say that I don't trust her. I wouldn't say she's a bad person -actually she has a lot of really good values and traits- but she's continuously partying and going out to drink so that doesn't makes me feel at ease with her.

On 2017-5-19 at 0:05 AM, faithful said:

Young people suppose to have sex with many, many, many people. It'll make you a better person when you're older. So I wouldn't get attached. I think you need to hook up with some girls who live in the area.

I was actually enjoying a good amount of femenine company when I met her and since some time before that but I just fell stupid for her. I'm quite unnatached to... everything, even with her! But in general what I feel for this relationship not fluorishing is that it would be a shame. Maybe sad, but definitely a shame.

On 2017-5-19 at 0:05 AM, faithful said:

If you have a lot of love to give, give it to someone within reach. 

Hands down.

On 2017-5-19 at 11:37 AM, FindingPeace said:

The only way people in a relationship can understand exactly where they stand is by communicating with one another. Open, honest, communication. There should never be any doubt in a healthy relationship.

I've always had problems with this but I'm trying hard this time to fix it.

On 2017-5-19 at 11:37 AM, FindingPeace said:

The very fact that you are comming on to this forum to ask random strangers about the nature of your relationship highlights that you do not have an open channel of communication with this woman. Otherwise you would be writing this question to her.

Partially true. Whenever I feel something's not right for me I always tell her and tell her what she can do to fix it. The thing is she doesn't do the same with me nor tries to (unless she's so in love with me that she can't see my flaws, thing that I'd love but find hard to believe). Whenever we're talking It's always pointless stuff (which I know it's neccesary) but... never, from her, about "us". Relationship stuff. But anyway I reckon that that's because I've been deep into personal development for at least a year so I'm more conscious of this kind of things whereas she's just oblivious to it (from my point of view).

Anyway you're right when you say that this should be talked with her but I wanted to hear people's opinion here on the forum. Maybe I also just wanted someone to talk to...

Thanks @FindingPeace @faithful @Annie for your opinions about this. I'd love to continue the conversation anyway as I find the long distance relationships theme intriguing because everyone says it's assured failure. I don't think that's the case, in my opinion it takes focus and a conscious effort but still possible as our friend Annie just implied  

[FindingPeace]

10 hours ago, Kvath said:

I find the long distance relationships theme intriguing because everyone says it's assured failure. I don't think that's the case

I agree. In fact as long as two people share a meaningful connection, the circumstances and practicalities of the relationship are not so important. Relationships do not have to be 'defined' by some set of criteria, actions or circumstances. Sometimes they can 'just be' in a way that is meaningful and profound. Perhaps if we didn't try to label these things and fit them in to a 'norm' then we can allow relationships to develop naturally within whatever context works for people concerned. Regardless of the 'type' and nauture of relationships, there are always natural rewards to be found and people should concentrate on those rather than looking for the rewards that are not present.

Connections with people are very beautiful when allowed to just 'be' and not forced to conform to some specification.