How To Get Rid Of The Urge To Teach People About Something?

[Scholar]

Okay, I have this problem. From time to time I get this urge that I want to tell someone about something I have learned. I literally feel like I want to teach someone something, even if I'm not an expert at the topic myself. And the way I do it most of the time is by luring the person into questioning a random thing I say. So, I basicly provocate them into disagreeing with me, so that I can then go in and explain it to them. I'm not sure if it's about me trying to show the other person that I am just smarter and so wise and knowledgable, or if it's actually about teaching them. Actually, if I think about it, I sometimes do it with strangers too so it has to be about the showing off aspect of it.

I know this is the most irritating thing there is for other people, because my father is doing the same. It's ridicilous, I always regret it because it's such a waste of energy, especially if I can't find a way to convey it to the other party. I also get super irritable and emotional about it, and I always tend to talk in absolutes, even though I know it's much more nuanced. So I bascily sound like an arrogant smartass who is trying to pick an intellectual fight with others.

 

How can I get rid of this? I think I have to somehow stop identifying with my intellect or intelligence, because that's how my emotions bind to it. I really feel like it's important to be right, and maybe this is partly because we have a culture that values knowledge so much. But it's childish, because I'm not even 23 years old and I already think that I can go around and teach people. And the worst is, I know that most people just won't get it, either because I'm horrible at explaining or because they have a completely different perspective than me.

The worst is when I actually win an argument and someone in the end agrees with me. I feel so dirty then, because I realize that winning an argument is not worth making the other person feel bad about being wrong. It's like a fight, and only one person can win. I feel bad when I lose, aswell as when I win, so it's literally pointless.

So, what do I do about it, other than being mindful of it? How do I get rid of this desire? I don't know if supressing it will help.

 

Why I wrote this post:

I had an argument with some people on the internet about femininity and masculinity. I couldn't explain it to them, and they mocked me for believing in binary gender roles, even though I explained that I didn't mean it that way. It made me furious, and once more I realized that I was doing the entire trying to teach others bullshit. And now I am here, trying to solve the problem with the help of others. I would say part of the motivation why I wrote this post is just to let some steam off. But obviously I am also looking for help.

[Salaam]

I've had experience dealing with this myself so some things I've looked at that you might find helpful:

• Differentiating between THE Truth and my truth. Your energy changes when you have clear boundaries between the two. It changes that compulsion a person might have when they figure something out for themselves to want to proclaim it to the world as an authority on THE truth.
• Instead of teaching, think of it as sharing. This softens the whole authority vibe, plus it intimates that we connect with the people first, before diving into "this is where your wrong and let me show you what is right".
• Keep a tally for yourself of how often your conversations are intellectual versus heart/connection/caring based and attempt to right the balance if there is an imbalance. Check with yourself to see which one is more inherently attractive to you as this will signal the orientation of your current chemistry. It's not a good thing if the majority of your conversations resemble lectures. Instead sprinkle it with checking in on people, getting excited for them, or sharing struggles with people, and not talking about right or wrong but how people are feeling.
• Also, that sense of humor and fun I mentioned to you in that other thread plays a part here. Spend some time joking around with people and being goofy or whatever. Make that a part of your identity, through consistent, long duration practice.
• Check to see if you have any inferiority inside yourself that you seek refuge from with your intellectual prowess. Also, check to for any superiority attachments riding along as baggage with your view of your intellectual capacities.
   

I hope these help in some way. Good luck

 

 

 

Edited May 18, 2017 by Salaam

[TJ Reeves]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spread information.

Personally, I love teaching people about stuff. In fact, some of my most intimate moments come from letting friends and loved ones into my inner world of spiritual research. Similarly I love to find out about their inner world. That's why I post on here constantly.

But if you want to stop this neurotic urge to teach people a lesson there are four keys to keep reminding yourself about. I had to learn them the hard way. I see that you are beginning to recognize them. Save yourself more pain by recognizing these ideas here and now:

1 - You are probably wrong about everything. Seriously, get over yourself. I get that you do a lot of research and shit. I do too. But you are wrong about something almost all of the time. When you recognize just how wrong you are about almost everything you say, you will become more humble and less willing to teach. There’s a reason why like half of Leo’s foundational videos are about epistemology.

This whole thing about masculinity and femininity? Within about a year or two you’re going to be embarrassed about how wrong you are about it. And another after year or two, you’re going to be embarrassed about that new theory. And so on and so on.

A huge sign of personal growth is constant embarrassment about just how wrong you were. Accept this before you start your next argument.

Here is a great article to beat this idea of your wrongness into you: https://markmanson.net/wrong-about-everything

2 - You're wasting your time with people who aren't willing to listen. As much as you have the urge to teach, ask yourself if you want to waste your time. Lecturing to someone who doesn't care about what you have to say will often only make that person dislike you. It will also piss you off and turn you into an angry person. You have one life to live, do not waste that life by getting angry talking to walls. 

What you can do instead is straight up ask "do you want to hear my advice?" or "Here's what I found, I might go a little in depth so stop me if you're getting bored."

That is not to say only talk to people who have the same opinion as you. I’m just saying that you must make sure the other person is actually making an effort to get your perspective just as well as you are making an effort to understand their perspective.

The same way you only want to have sex with people who really want to have sex with you, only teach people who really want to be taught by you.

3 - Become more of an active listener, do this by pretending to be dumb. If you find that your intellectual side wants information so badly, then shut up and listen more. Smart people do not actually try to look smart. In fact, the smartest people often ask the dumbest questions. An example comes from podcasts like the Joe Rogan Experience or Star-Talk Radio. Those podcasters are very smart (one is a world-leading astrophysicist!), but they can ask very simple questions. Joe Rogan, especially, is willing to ask stupid questions but that leads to him getting out some of the most interesting information in the world from his guests -- that is why his podcast has 90,000,000 downloads in the past month. From these questions, Rogan ends up teaching people a lot. Remember, you don’t have to be the one lecturing to still teach someone something.

4 – Become more “selfish” about your personal development. Recognize that every individual has 100% responsibility for their own learning. That is, you have 100% responsibility for growing your own consciousness, not everyone else’s. Trying to bring up everyone else’s consciousness will often stunt your growth. This is a hard pill to swallow when you see a loved one struggle. For example, my mom often does unconscious stuff that drives me up the wall because I (think) I know exactly what she could do to help herself – but getting upset about it will not help my growth. At best, I can hope that she recognizes her actions while I use her life as a case study for bringing up my consciousness.

The fact that you find yourself arguing so much tells you that you have a ton of more growing to do. Growing is hard enough for just one person. Focus on that instead of everyone else. 

(Exception: don't now become afraid to put ideas out there... Sometimes writing articles or papers about a subject will teach you a lot. For example, I had to reflect about my own life in writing this response and now I have a clearer picture about my own teaching-habit.)

Overall, as you are already starting to see, the main thing is to become of the aware of the fact that you are arguing right as you begin to argue. If you can do this, you can begin to stop yourself. 

(P.S. I recognize the slight irony of the above because I'm attempting to teach you... But I figured you would listen because you literally asked for help)

Edited May 18, 2017 by TJ Reeves

[Guest username]

@TJ Reeves I'd like to expand upon point 4: As you grow yourself, those who are receptive to learning from you will seek you as result of the person you have become. Actions speak louder than words, and being speaks louder than action; staying focused on raising your own consciousness is arguably the most powerful thing you can do to help others.

Furthermore, raising your consciousness enables deep intuitive wisdom and right action that serves reality and Truth rather than merely being an unconscious manifestation of lower consciousness and selfishness.

All those points you made are very good,but I think that last one is critical.

[Nahm]

@Scholar I don't think you practice daily proper meditation. I say this because one of the benefits is that we let go of the habit of expressing the first or second thought that bubbles up. Meditate, notice the thoughts, let them go and return your focus to your breath. You will see that thoughts keep coming, and then eventually they stop. Practice this daily and you'll soon be without the reactional impulse to say the first thing that pops in your head. Keep in mind, all you have to do is not do anything. There is nothing you need to do to align in this manor. (Other than meditation, which isn't really doing anything). 

[arjuna]

@Scholar I can relate to your post strongly. What helped me alot is to learn debate/argumentation  rules (logical fallacies etc.) and then join some debating group online (or maybe a real group) where debate is taking place, where people actively want to debate topics with a winner and a looser of an argument.

It helped me to live the urge to lecture people and at the same time it humbled me alot, when i realized how poor my arguments were structured. It strenghtened my logical thinking, i learned alot about conceptual thinking, etymology of words, semantics etc.

I learned to distinguish topics that are debatable and other topics that are purely subjective. I learned a lot of different viewpoints and to respect them. I learned that the universe will not collaps in itself when someone IS wrong, bec. they will go their own path to knowledge and i was surprised that when i let them go, that eventually they will come to the same conclusion AND i was at the same time able to see their former perspective.

Asking questions is a very good way and let people come to their own conclusions in their own pace imo. Always think about the possibility of being wrong.

[SOUL]

This is an example of how enlightenment isn't about knowledge, understanding, truth or any ideas, concepts and beliefs. Enlightenment is about awareness, both in focusing awareness on the moment and expanding our awareness, so the mind will get preoccupied with what it can be aware of and fixate on that as a way to gain it's identity.

The way I view it to limit the disharmony in me or anyone is to let it come to me, I don't seek out opportunities to tell anyone anything. If someone seeks out my opinion or are venting or complaining then I offer what I can but not much more than that. This limits the exposure in real life to potentially running afoul of egos and possible conflict.

Online it's a little harder because in public forums people seek all sorts of stuff and it can be difficult to discern exactly what they are seeking or need to satisfy them. This is where most of the disharmony comes in my own experience now so I am always learning ways to offer what I can with few expectations and avoiding conflict even while addressing a wide range of topics.

 

[Afonso]

Could sharing be your Life Purpose?

[Sevi]

On 5/18/2017 at 4:31 PM, Scholar said:

How do I get rid of this desire?

Check the benefits and the satisfaction you are getting from it, most likely it provides you some gain, so genuinely look what the hunger/need is for, then think about some other ways to supply it for yourself first, and then depending on the cause factor, you might like to find your way out, to be free from that as a second layer.

On 5/18/2017 at 4:31 PM, Scholar said:

The worst is when I actually win an argument and someone in the end agrees with me. I feel so dirty then, because I realize that winning an argument is not worth making the other person feel bad about being wrong. It's like a fight, and only one person can win. I feel bad when I lose, aswell as when I win, so it's literally pointless

Seems like you are trying to be the one who is controlling the dynamics of the interaction. That recalls that you want to be in charge, maybe so that you are trying to make sure that the other party is not abusing you, using you; or harming you in some format?

Like; your father is like that, so you are trying to protect yourself from his offense? Or you're being like that too, so your father cannot score against you? Maybe? So, kind of you are reacting back to your father subconsciously in such settings and winning over him?

Edited May 25, 2017 by Sevi

[Will]

I cant say that my answer could have ANY relevance to you but I have just realised this myself in the last couple of days..

I have no frigin clue..

Neither does anybody else

Nor will anybody ever have a clue..

Its all just guesses and intelectual gambling on probable cause.. i.e. we make shit up as we experience shit...

The universe is in perfect balance.. Always.. It does not require us to help it..

Do as you please.. 

Yeah sure you have a body and a mind an ego and all that, and they have their compulsions and so does everybody else.. But ultimately what we are , is not our body or mind or external circumstance and it really does not make a lick of difference to try and optimise it att all!!!! Ever..

You learn more from listening to people anyways.. Dont ask them though.. your forcing them to answer if they do.. unless they come to you.. its conditional and will not be real or valuable..

 

There is no truth.. and any truth there is Can not be understood or communicated.. 

 

Yes we can do as we please.. help people if you like but it does not help towards explaining this thing we call life.. Its just a choice, of a way we wish to consciously be.. if you wish to be nasty or nice.. your making a judgement and life just isnt like that... when you label something it just is what it is.. like rotting or fresh ( one is not bad and the other good) they both have a place...

 

we trick ourselves into believing there is a proper way to live.. there just isnt.. Its your own personal choice and thats it..

 

wanting to teach comes from needing validation or desire to learn something better.. I think we all realise we dont require external validation from others.. I reckon its ok to write or exrpess or even answer questions because expressing yourself is a really great tool to consolidate in yourself.. i.e. when your trying to learn something its nice to be able to sound it off to someone.. But thats it..

if you listen carefully.. most people who educate are also trying to convince themselves...

 

does any of that help.??