Neurotic Mother, Narcissitic Father

[MiracleMan]

On the surface i feel like a lot of folks have grown up with characters like this in their life.  To all those who suffered abuse at the hands of loved ones, whether physical, emotional, or both, I send a transmission of loving kindness, may you be well and heal from your past experience for the well being of all.  I wrote this early this morning and it's a bit morbid, but I think important to vent or tell your story of pain.  Thank you all.

 

My mother had an inferiority complex, or rather, she let my father walk all over her.  She was a chronic worrier, had trouble sleeping, I could tell she always felt bad about something.  My father was and still is a narccisict.  He was an alcoholic, and said and did things without thinking of how they would affect me, like verbal and physical abuse (a belt with a metal tip, man handling me, shoving me up against a wall with a hand on my throat, whipping me with leather gloves, screaming his animal like rage right in my face).  He did eventually have an affair, and split the family up.  Guys, this was a good thing, i have an extended family i love through my mother remarriage.  At the time i didnt know how to feel.  In my own mind, I feel the pull of both neurotic and narcissistic personalities.  I feel split in half, like these two people should never have had children together.  Some days I feel like I want my closest friend to fail because I feel inferior, then proceed to abuse myself for having those thoughts, because I truly love my friend.  I feel like my narcissistic father who desires power and control, but i punish this aspect with self hatred, self verbal abuse, worrying, anxiousness, and feelings that I'm evil and capable of great destruction.  I experienced rejection, bullying, and humiliation at school and when i came home i had to deal with more from my father and brother (who I don't blame because he was abused as well).  I hate and love my father.  Certain aspects of him i love but how can i love one who hurt me so bad and will never come to terms that what he did was wrong.  This isnt a man you could confront rationally and logically amd expect him to have some sort of self realization.  Imagine asking that of Trump, this guy is similar to my dad.  I hate the part of me that loves him because he is an abuser, and would never ever have a fleeting moment of grace or self reflection.  He is the kind of person that if I told him how I felt about him he would laugh in my face and tell me I'm just a pussy.  I've dreamt of getting so strong I could over power him physically, make him pay for hurting a child that wasn't strong enough to defend himself.  I'm practing self compassion and love, its difficult and new path for me.  I'm venting this out, but I'm wondering if this is a way of holding on to an ego that operates and thrives off of "feeling badly."  Should i love my abusers?  I hate having normal father/son conversations with this man when in the back of my mind I want to throttle him.

[egoeimai]

Okay. This hate inside you will soon destroy you. Stop it before its too late. I used to hate my father a lot,because he was never beside me,never in the house to raise us,three children,always working all day,never hated us but never expressed his live also. Not even a kiss not even a hug. He even mistaken my brother's age once. He knows very little about his children,and all information are conveyed by mother. Its not good. None of it good. But If you dont let go of this hatred you will never be okay with yourself. Children who have bad relationship with parents are also very insecure,as myself. You need to let go all of them now,because you are an adult. Forgive him,because we are human beings,we always make mistakes,and Im sure he had similar experiences with your grandparents. Foegive him for your own peace. This is all ego. We all deserve love and happiness. Even the ones that they have treated us badly. Why? Because we all are divine consciousness (do you like this approach? Ive heard it from a video recently. Its just a very nice reason to love all humans.) Although it doesnt mean that the things he did are right. Just let go of the past,move on,and wish well for your father from this moment on. He probably doesnt get Love as well. Forgive him and love him. You will be a totally different person and more healthy. Your ego will not like all these,but your true nature is love and it will love this. For your body/mind it is better/healthier to love and not to hate. And true love is unconditional. If you want this weight off your shoulders,love him,and just go,you dont have to spend the rest of your life with him. But first forgive him. Good luck.

[faith]

Love your parents no matter who they are. The last people that we will accept on our journey will always be our parents. Why? Because they know us like no one else does, and because they represent the ultimate form of forgiveness. Have you ever met a person who is unhappy but has a good relationship with their parents? Perhaps! However, the tendency is that happy people are happy because they have no unresolved feelings with their folks. 

[Sevi]

@MiracleMan A very valuable important post. I'd like to congratulate you. This is manly and rare. I took my time to reply this, since this deserves a sincere attention.

You are in labor. Let's get this baby out of you

Mother and the father: the good and the bad: the light and the darkness,so: feeling clear about the good side, confused about the dark side.

You have almost made it into the finish line about the dark side by defining every single element of it in you with clarity and utmost sincerity.

Well: 1) I love my father (some aspects) & 2) I hate my father (mostly)

1) I cannot love him, because that means that I become a reckless narcissist like him which is very terrifying because I'll be incredibly destructive to the world. (And a part of me, inside of myself is exactly like him, and somehow I'm loving passionately that part of me because that guy is dangerous, careless, to the point, wild, kind of exciting.. but this part cannot go out to the sunshine, because it can be my ego, I might be serving to the evil powers, so that I might be failing in my journey big time to be the best human possible that I can become, And what about my mother? If I love him, I'll be betraying her, I'll be approving all the wrong shit he had done to her; yet I'll be one more piece of him in front of my mother: how in hell 'I' can accept such a thing to happen, how the hell 'I' can allow such a thing into the sunshine? More, how come I can ask my mother to accept me that way, how cruel it would have been such an expectation from her.

I wanna be good and loving, but I saw my 'good and loving' mother being walked all over; how can I let others do that to me, just like that? Feeling inferior to your friend was just a huge scarcity about being like your mom in life, so you were responding not to your friend but to your fear; knowing such a background story of yours, your friend would forgive you instantly so why not would you?

And everyone: your that best friend, your mother, me, Mrs. Lullaby.. when it comes to the survival instincts (the trigger effects on very early recordings of the childhood -amygdala  portion of the brain-) gonna feel, behave, manifest that way, which makes all of us just simple human beings (who will find their way of justifications for such 'not so nice' attitudes by being simply unconscious or whatever the way it is) but of course being this honest about the case and searching for best inner attitude makes you a sweetheart? as a sweetheart person you may like to learn a little more tolerant to yourself.?

 

I'm gonna continue with no:2 (the shitty stuff?) but let me post this first, without loosing the post 

[Sevi]

2) I hate my father: this is so unacceptable because 'good' people don't hate, they forgive. That's what's honorable. If I hate him, this is less of the honorable me, yet if I 'choose' to hate, this can be my ego again. 

Here what we need to understand is emotions occur. They are signals for us with uploaded energy. They appear. It just happens, and it's okay. We can watch them, we can observe them, we can let them be our guidance, be our teacher to know ourselves, to understand ourselves better. Sure we can reprogram ourselves, neo cortex of our brains can re-learn, even the most traumatic cases can be healed but not by conceptually forcing an emotion to be something else,everything starts by self-understanding. Love starts by understanding, then we go where ever else.

You'll face your father the right way, it's clear and easy to see it from outside, but you are in it, so it probably will take time to mature up emotionally to find your authentic way to it, but definitely what can be said is you are on the right track.?

 

Ok, one last post after this one.

[pluto]

In Spiritual Teachings they say that before we are born(In spirit) we pick our parents that are best suited for the soul to learn and overcome things we failed to do or overcome in the previous life. This life gave me an extremely negatively influencing and physically abusive father that i had to learn to grow out of his influencing and conditioning and instead find my authenticity through my mothers love and restore myself by embracing that love and sharing it with others. Its a long story but as life goes by it all adds up and starts to make sense.

[Sevi]

Couple of last points

On 5/18/2017 at 10:48 AM, MiracleMan said:

I feel split in half, like these two people should never have had children together.  

Well, let's take the approach of everything happens for a reason: seems like you are called to understand and transform the darkness which the collectivity refused and suppressed into sunlight (conciseness, even let's say collective consciousness)

I think why the universe gave that innocent beautiful sensitive woman to that who doesn't know any better but yet fierce, wild man who just have the tool of penetrating through toughness; is to have you to create one more complicated evolutionary step forward in mankind.

Without people who knows and understands the dark side but yet still have the real goodnesses in their heart, there probably wouldn't be any evolutionary rising of the collectivity, but clear and logical enough than, they need to be conceived in the dark side first to help to raise the vibrations of the light.

On 5/18/2017 at 10:48 AM, MiracleMan said:

feelings that I'm evil and capable of great destruction. 

Yes, you might have a great capacity of destruction but with this type of ability to be honest and analyze, and scepticism, you don't need to be worried any longer being an evil. If get really scared, you can contact me with your actual identity, I'd be happy to help out; well? I'm kind of good at taming evils? I believe you will be too?

Lastly, this is important: to marry that light and dark within you: you need to let go of the pride. How so? Let your self less than excellent, "dare to be dull"(*) let yourself be unsuccessful sometimes, rather than getting rid of the parts of the soul which is less than perfect, which is average, let yourself be that very average sometimes. Rather than purifying evvveryy single thing, sometimes be dusty. And yes, you might have a incredibly big power, that's ok, don't be neurotically responsible for it, nature also knows how to handle and protect its tools and sources, you'll be taking cared of, release. And don't be afraid that you'll take it to your ego and then become egocentric, again there will be this thermostat of the nature in charge, once one system has gotten conscious enough, it'll be protected because it takes time and effort for universe too to deliver such units, it'll take care of it.?

(*)Homework: book: improv wisdom, Patricia Ryan Madson

This is for understanding the importance of being average.

 

Ok. Bye now? I got tired?

[Sevi]

Well, I didn't like the way I put the things together but maybe later we'll discuss this again, I couldn't organize the topic the way wanted to, but it's late right now to be perfectionist? ?

Ok whatever.

[Guest Annetta]

I'd see a therapist about it so that you have someone you can trust to express these feelings with.  That's pretty severe abuse dude.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do! <3 *hug*

[Natasha]

@MiracleMan Look up 'cognitive dissonance' and co-dependecy. My father was a narc too and mother an empath, I struggled with co-dependency for many years, until I learned enough to start the healing process and the answer is healthy self-love. Learn to love yourself in a healthy way first, and to nurture and accept yourself unconditionally. 

YT has great channels on understanding and healing from narcissistic abuse. Check out:

*Peace and Harmony (highly insightful and therapeutic)

*Understanding Narcissists (he is a grown son of a narcissistic father, offers practical advice)

*Inner Integration (always great material)

*Richard Grannon SpartanLifeCoach (martial art coach with a degree in psychology, really good stuff up to the point, no BS approach)

*Sam Vaknin (a conscious malignant narcissist explaining how narcissists think and operate from 1st person perspective)

Leo also has videos 'How to Deal With Difficult and Toxic People', 'How to Accept Yourself Unconditionally', 'How to Stop Being a Victim' Part 1 and 2

I don't know your age, but if abuse continues, you might have to distance yourself from or even cut ties with your Dad. You are the one to decide when to remove your hand from under the pounding hammer. Understand that toxic emotions of guilt, shame, fear, etc are created by emotonal vampires so they can control their target. Develop a narcdar and don't offer anymore of your lifeblood to them. You are not helpless. Educate yourself, knowledge is power. Go No Contact if necessary.

[Nahm]

@MiracleMan Being understanding on behalf of our self even if when we don't understand, is letting go. You can break the chain by understanding he did what he did because of his past. He has his emotions to contend with.  You have yours, so do your best. When you know you're doing your best, you feel pretty damn good. Be that bigger you. You can see the bigger picture now, and feel the love that comes with it, or, you can hold that anger until he dies. Death is notorious for an instant understanding of a bigger picture. 

[MiracleMan]

Thank you everyone for the support, I wasn't expecting this much of a response but I'm overwhelmed that you all provided your time and input.  I've realized what's been going the past few months and been having these "rage attacks" and depressive episodes.  I've been doing a lot of personal development on the psychological side of things, paired with some Buddhist philosophy and breathing meditation.  I'm starting to become more aware of my minds background noise and things that i think were otherwise supressed or ignored, I think the fact that I made this post during the rage attack, just having the thoughts here and now and feeling such a surge of emotion, was helping me.  I felt the full load of the pain that day, I don't think I was more upset about that event (even during the event) than I was during that post.  I looked into forgiveness, one of the things i learned was that i dont need to forgive my father for his actions, what he did wasn't okay.  I forgive myself for believing I was the target of what is obviously his own inner pain and rage, however unconscious.  I want to break the pattern here and now.  In that event, and countless other humiliating events in my life I've come to realize, I made the error of believing the problem lied with me, but through acknowledging the pain and suffering in my perpetrators, I forgive myself for thinking it was my fault, that something was wrong with me.  I would like to continue my thoughts when I have more time (work!) so I will leave it here and thank you all again for the kindness.

 

Edit:  Thank you guys for introducing me to loving kindness meditation and mantras, and finding Matt Khan through this site has helped me with self compassion and forgiveness.  Very powerful life-changing stuff, very thankful I stumbled into this part of web.

Edited May 23, 2017 by MiracleMan

[Pallero]

I struggle with a similar situation. I feel very guilty for hating and not wanting to see my father, even though he abused me and seeing him would subject me to more abuse and therefore be self-abusive.

I feel like I should be self-abusive. I deserve to be punished by him, because I'm a rotten human being deep down.

I don't deserve to be free and forgiving and loving.

I cry almost daily, because thinking about my father makes me hate myself so much. I remember all the horrible things he has said to me, but now I say them to myself.

I've been working on myself for years, but this particular issue seems to have endless layers. I have peeled back so many and I'm exhausted from all the peeling.

I used to be able to talk to him a little when my parents were still together, because my mom was around. Now I can't even begin to think that I have to face him alone. I'd rather die.

How do I find relief? Actually, writing this post is already helping.