Feeling Worthless And Unwated!

[John68]

I’ve know this woman know for about 4 to 4/12 years..  We met, dated briefly and then that ended..   We reconnected as friends about a year later and I have become very close to her and her family..  We have great times together..  She has become a very special person in my life, as have I to her, according to her..  I have approached her  in the past about maybe re-igniting our relationship as see were it goes but she doesn’t want to be in a relationship at this time… mainly due to other focuses in her life like sick mother and helping of other family members..  Understandable..

Recently we were at our local watering hole and she was talking to this guy… ok not a big deal.. We are always talking to people.. But then I found out she meet him on a dating site… I immediately starting feeling the tingling sensations that come with feeling helpless, worthless and then the “why am I not good enough” started going off in my head…  She could tell something was wrong as I did my best to hide it..   But I asked her “why” if she didn’t want to date or get in a relationship and all she said was she didn’t want a relationship.  I asked why I wasn’t good enough and she said it wasn’t me…  So at that point I left the bar and went home…

We’ve hung out since and have had good times but now im like in uber low self-esteem mode..  She has been to the bar again since, which she has done before..  Usually hanging out with her Uncle or what may be… but I keep having these feelings of worthlessness and jealousy and getting really emotional.. All because I’m not good enough for her?(thought in my head).   This has been since last week..

I’ve had a lot of time to think and found Leo’s videos on YouTube which have been helping..  I know that the issues I’m experiencing mainly have to do with and my Ego, extreme low self-esteem and my obvious visions of “Maybe one day” scenarios…  but this is consistently in my head now and it’s hard to clear it out.

But I really need help here…  I have to many years invested in this Friendship with not only her but her family..  They all mean a lot to me..  I want to stay friends with her if that’s all it is going to be.. But I need to find myself so I’m ok with her moving on someday if an when she chooses..  And if she chooses, be accepting of that and be happy for her..  Even if I wasn’t the one… I’d rather have her friendship than nothing, maybe?

Totally lost at the moment but I do want to be happy in my life..  I need to help myself because this isn’t the first time I’ve had this feeling or thoughts.  I’ve felt this way in other relationships..  I want ME BACK…  I’m a great guy, loyal and when “Happy” I’m confident…  But usually only then…

Any thoughts would be helpful….

JS

[SFRL]

Slap her on the ass. 

[egoeimai]

@John68 I feel you. And I feel your neediness. This is because you base your self worth into other peoples opinions. And its very deeply rooted from childhood years. Please check the thread I created with some guy's videos on this topic. Enjoy and never lose hope! 

 

[Flare]

@John68 Seems like you got a classic case of "Oneitis" putting her on a pedestal. Seemingly, just assuming, you don't have any other major woman in your life, that you feel like being able to connect romantically with? 

For oneitis there are 2 major causes:

First, you think that she is the only girl that you will end up with. So the problem here is that you are not independent and need her for giving you female attention. That would be the easier thing to handle. In that case, even if it's hard you gotta find other woman to date. Even if it's not what you want in the first place. It even might better your friendship, or it causes the situation to change since she sees that you are attractive to other woman and she will start getting attracted on another level as well. 

Second, the more complex cause is that you are seeing traits in her that you actually want for yourself. As an easy example, if you got near to 0 self love you will suffer from oneitis if someone comes in and actually is there for you and picks you up over and over, because your subconscious mind will think that you won't get this anywhere else, not to speak from yourself. In this case, it's a compass, it is showing you which qualities you lack to be in a good relationship with yourself. That will include some serious emotional work, but it's the path to freedom, not a nice one though. Oneitis always shows you your weaknesses and what you lack as a person. It will always get you down first. 

Note though, that you can only solve the situation inside out. Changing any circumstances won't help, beside taking time off. Trying to work with the state you are in won't get you far. So maybe think about what is actually it that is causing you to feel that way, put aside any story you are telling yourself about "real love" "the one" etc. - be brutally honest, then you shall gain. 

All the best for that! I know it's hard, we all been there at some point of our journey. 

Edited May 18, 2017 by Flare

[John68]

I appreciate everyones replys...  @Flare you make a lot of sense and I do see this in me..  its painful and hard..  but Im not getting any younger and I need to change..  @egoeimai I will watch the videos and thank you!..   

[sheenp24]

@John68 Hey man, I can relate to this situation all to well, as I'm actually going through a similar situation. I was dating this girl for 2 years and it ended just recently two months ago. I did everything for her, paid her bills when she was down and out; I was always and I mean always there when she needed me. I worked a lot so I didn't have much time in the day for her and that caused a lot of problems in the relationship. I'm a career driven individual and she wanted marriage and a family and I wasn't ready for that. I loved her very much and still do and she could have been my wife in due time. I tried to come back but she didn't agree. We still talk a lot! we even hang out still. We had lunch at this place and she received a call from some guy and didn't answer it, telling me his whole story and about how they were just friends. I played it cool but she knew that I was feeling awkward about it and insured me that nothing was going on between them. What you are going to probably have to do is stop giving her so much attention. As much as I hate to say this, but she is probably playing the field but believe it or not, you have the ammo! I can tell that you are a sincere and genuine guy and it sounds like you have already laid the foundation of love, compassion, dependability, and affection in the relationship. Now, take all of that away from her. Act like she doesn't exist and focus on you. She has weakened your heart and you have to make it strong again. A lot of guys don't care that way towards women as they should and she'll see that and when she starts coming around, it will ultimately be up to you. But I'd recommend just focusing on making yourself better because at the end of the day, you will always have yourself and a woman can always walk away out of your life.

Edited May 18, 2017 by sheenp24

[John68]

@sheenp24 Thank you man for sharing some of ur life and the advise... It is hard.. I am trying to focus on me and what I need to do and that's an up hill struggle..  but I'm worth it cause ur right... at the end of the day all i have is Me!! 

[SFRL]

Yes man now go get yourself another woman. 

[FindingPeace]

On 18/05/2017 at 0:25 AM, John68 said:

All because I’m not good enough for her?

Maybe not. But this isn't actually a problem. And you aren't worthless just because one person isn't reciprocating your interest.

There is a fundamental truth in life that most of us seem to forget: there will be people that want a relationship with us, and people that don't. And either way is not a problem. The only problem is when we idolise and obsess over one person in the belief that they are the only one. And as has already been mentioned, this can be caused by a lack of abundance in your life, or it can be the result of having too much unsatisfying time on your hand such that you are not only looking for something uplifting, but also that you have so much time to sit thinking about it. The latter issue being caused by not investing more energy in to creating a generally more satisfying life. It's very easy to look to relationships to bring some 'cheer' in to our lives when everything else feels lacking.