Sick Of An Overall Sedentary & Anxiety Ridden Life

[J]

Everyday I feel as if I'm waiting for tomorrow to change on its own. I have no will to really do anything productive.  I want to change, however this seems like it will be an uphill climb.  In writing this I hope to get some sort of response or input as I feel desperate and have been through serious scenarios relating to my state, (Depression/anxiety related.) I will go quite far back to see if I can see were and how I made mistakes in my past.

Starting all the way back in maybe 1st or 2nd grade my parents started noticing that I had developed strong emotional troubles, and was rebellious to teachers. In fact, I recall throwing a chair and flipping a quite heavy table at my teacher. I had few friends during this time period. Nobody wanted to talk to me. I was also struggling with reading and problem solving in school. I would be tested on reading constantly as well as my problem solving. Anyways, I was a angry, stubborn, kid throughout all 1-5th grade. I would be in the principals office constantly.  Eventually, out of sheer luck I would make a group of friends in the 5th grade.  Unfortunately,  things turn horrible around this time. I would enter 6th grade and develop an obsession of my academics. I wanted to make straight A's while doing nothing. I was and still am a perfectionist when It comes to my grades, and I haven't really changed.  I ended up caring less about my friends, leading to me losing them as I was too busy being anxious about my next report card. Ironically, most people would expect that someone like me would study my ass off every time they'd get home, but in reality all I did during middle school was go sit in my room, alone for hours on end playing video games alone.  I never studied outside of school or cared for what I was learning to be honest. In school I was constantly in my school guidance counselor's office stressed, to a hysterical degree.  Outside of school my house life was somewhat difficult to. Me being the oldest of a huge family  (8 younger siblings) and having a Dad that was an alcoholic/drug addict (nonviolent, but very lazy and depressed). I felt very alone during middle school. Into high school I started off with some of the most anxiety in my life.  My twin brother (identical) would be diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. This would be of concern to me as if one twin has the syndrome than there is over a 60% chance that the other has the syndrome as well. Anyways I would graduate Freshman year with a 3.82 gpa (unweighted, no studying) yet feel still empty, having no friends, lack of love for my family, or even purpose. Sophomore year (2016-2017) I would be admitted into an outpatient program relating to my depression. The program did jack shit.  The only thing that really helped but was extremely hard for me to do was meditation. It made me do things I would never else do in my daily life. This leads up to today, still in the same rut, with no idea what to do and where to go. I know I sound quite bitchy, but to be honest I need to get trapped emotion out and need help. 

 

If you reply you would be helping significantly. 

 

Thank You for reading this long post,  

 

-J.

 

[Nahm]

@J I had manic depression and anxiety too. I went to dr's and took pills. None of it helped at all, it got worse actually.  What did completely 100% rid me of all of it was daily meditation, excercise, listening to positive speakers and healthy eating. For me, sugar was the biggest catalyst triggering my depression. It took me years but not because the effects take that long to work, but because I didn't have any knowing that it would be fixed by such simple things. I spent years yo yoing and put the "puzzle" together. That's just me though. We're all different. I'm sharing in hopes of helping. 

 Maybe you picked up your dad's thought patterns at a young age? If so, that can be undone. I would have bet my life that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't like everyone else. Now I am much older and I see that I picked up my dad's thought patterns at a young age. 

Consider having a blood test done to see if you're low on iron, vitamin D or B, etc. 

On another avenue, my 5 year old son wakes up like a ray of sunshine everyday. It amazes me really. But if he doesn't get attention from me for a couple days, he lashes out. Maybe you learned a thought pattern to get attention at that young of an age because your dad was depressed and not in a state to give you the attention that you needed or wanted? 

One last idea, and I know it probably doesn't seem like this would help because it seems to easy...but maybe listen to something positive everyday like Abraham Hicks. I think, in a big way, all we are is the perspective we're used to. Listening to someone talking from the best perspective you can find online, everyday,....eventually leads to you having a similar perspective. It's easy, and it works. Just my opinion though. I hope something helps.

Edited May 18, 2017 by Nahm

[h inandout]

Stop trying to solve your problems.  They are going to keep unfolding for the course of your life because that is the work you were brought here to do, but there is no hurry to do it because you soul has a variety of needs that must be met first. 

I perscribe a membership to a climbing gym, immediately.  Every time you feel compelled to buy a new video game console, say to yourself, "maybe I should do this in real life."