What Does This Deep Calmness And Peacefulness Mean?

[WaterfallMachine]

So I've been getting an increasing amounts of this experience for some number of months. I can't recall. Maybe even as far as 6 months this has been gradually happening more and more often. Especially after meditation practice which I've been doing for a couple years even before I found this site and Leo. It was very rare and short before when you count a couple of minutes of it even before the last 6 months but now I'd say there's a large portion of my day like this. 

I'd describe it as a feeling of like I'm meditating even when I'm not meditating. An ease in being able to concentrate and so I find it easier to discipline myself in matters like avoiding junk food or learning something in depth. There's an utter satisfaction with the moment. No experience of small instances of things like being a bit impatient over something or annoyed at minor details. I'm patient with the kind of people and situations other people tend to get angry at and hate. Not much of a feeling of sadness over things or an anxiety over how the day will go. Just a deep contentment.

Not that I'm like this the whole day. There's this lag where it takes time for me to get to this mode after I wake up and still some problems with my ego if you've seen what else I've asked advice on this forum for. Especially with anxiety and fearing what people think of me. But still, for longer portions of the day, I notice this growing peacefulness with what I'm doing.

I notice when I get to self inquiry in this mode, this experience is worldless. Like, that thing over there is not a book. It's a mess of shapes, colors, textures and smells. And when I look away, the book does not exist. The thoughts in my mind seem less like "me" and more similar to random sounds I hear from the park outside my house. I am conscious of how people define themselves as "themselves" in common society and I recognize that as I look at my memories. But there's this lessening of association with myself from before. Back then I would get anxious over an embarrassing memory a day ago or even months ago and I would lack any negative reactions because well, that person is not "me".

There is still a bit of anxiety often at the end of the day. I had an experience three days ago where all my crappy insecurities of my ego came rushing back to me in an explosion of thoughts and feelings. This would often happen at the end of the day as if I was bearing the weight of having to be in that mode for so long and I went back to normal. Two days ago, there was barely any. Yesterday, there was none. And I notice over the days this pattern over and over again.

There was a bit of anxiety today but it wasn't much. It was like there was a stain on my being but instead of it being cleaned, the cloth of my being just got larger and the anxiety more minuscule in comparison. Anxiety is supposed to be a "bad" emotion, but it seemed no different than birds chirping outside. It still pained me though, but in a strangely not "bad" way.

[Shin]

Do you expect to never have any "bad" emotions ever again ?
Even if it was possible, that's not what you're looking at, you're looking at what you're experiencing right now.
Which is the space that engulf everything there is, without thinking it's good or bad.
 

[WaterfallMachine]

27 minutes ago, Shin said:

Do you expect to never have any "bad" emotions ever again ?
Even if it was possible, that's not what you're looking at, you're looking at what you're experiencing right now.
Which is the space that engulf everything there is, without thinking it's good or bad.
 

Interesting. 

I guess as an answer to your question, I still get anxious these days in a "bad" way. In a genuinely actively disliking my emotions kind of way. I wanted to practice my own issues with anxiety by getting out of a comfort zone by giving out controversial information somewhere online (I like to work as an article writer on the sidelines but often avoid this kind of work) and got anxious for a few hours until it dissipated. And damn was that painful. But I'm good now, I guess. I'm not worried about it anymore that much and much sooner than I expected.

I've been in personal development for a couple of years and I notice benefits tend to come in waves. It rises. It falls. It rises. It falls. But in the long term, it rises more in general. This is what it's like right now. I've gotten in the "I think everything is solved now," mindset before many times and later realized I was wrong about that many times. Too far gone into all this personal development work to believe in a linear road to success.

But I find that kind of thinking of "bad" emotions as becoming rarer everyday.

I have no idea if some emotional perfection could be reached. I doubt it. Maybe. Maybe not. But whatever happens next, I think it'd be better in the long term.

Edited May 17, 2017 by WaterfallMachine

[Shin]

Quote

I guess as an answer to your question, I still get anxious these days in a "bad" way. In a genuinely actively disliking my emotions kind of way.

@WaterfallMachine

What do you mean by that ?
Are you just annoyed by those emotions, like it's not pleasant but you let them be, and you just try to understand why you feel this way ?
Or do you hate and/or judge yourself for having those emotions ?
That's the distinction that changes everything, because in the first one it doesn't really matters what sort of emotions comes, you won't become them and they won't impact how you behave.

If you want to work on anxiety, the best exercice is to think about something that makes you feel bad, by bringing awareness to it (if you get lost in the emotion it won't work obviously), repeatedly untill it doesn't trigger you.
It's challenging and totally counter-intuitive, because that means you intentionally wants to feel pain, no "sane" mind would want to do that

@WaterfallMachine If you start to embody that judgment and running from your fears is counter-productive, and it starts to really happen in your life, it's a huge step.
When you'll embody totally that, nothing will be able to stop you anymore

 

Edited May 17, 2017 by Shin

[WaterfallMachine]

2 hours ago, Shin said:

@WaterfallMachine

What do you mean by that ?
Are you just annoyed by those emotions, like it's not pleasant but you let them be, and you just try to understand why you feel this way ?
Or do you hate and/or judge yourself for having those emotions ?
That's the distinction that changes everything, because in the first one it doesn't really matters what sort of emotions comes, you won't become them and they won't impact how you behave.

If you want to work on anxiety, the best exercice is to think about something that makes you feel bad, by bringing awareness to it (if you get lost in the emotion it won't work obviously), repeatedly untill it doesn't trigger you.
It's challenging and totally counter-intuitive, because that means you intentionally wants to feel pain, no "sane" mind would want to do that

I think I was actually judging myself on that instance I mentioned before. But eventually went on to care for myself more compassionately in my head. I notice this change of thought process at times where I judge myself for a bit and past a couple minues, another thought process comes rushing in saying stuff like, "No, no. It's okay!" Often the judging doesn't happen even at all and sometimes I talk it through with someone I trust. It only gets like that when it's particularly painful. 

I actually heard of this exercise and I've practiced it before many times. It's very unpleasant but strangely it works. Not really something I could use until the anxiety actually does come. I can't trigger anxiety just by thinking of it because I'm in my more "deep contentment" mode. It has to be triggered by a real situation that gets too much. I guess that's progress. My mind doesn't really react to false problems or ideas of them as much. Just reacts to negative situations when it's already there or if i have taken an action that goes away from what my fears want me to. Still does a bit at times though. These real situations can trigger non existing problems in my head once it's there though.

Hm. I guess I'm in a better spot than I thought I was.

I guess I made this thread because I wanted some feedback on how much progress I made. Mind if I ask you about that? What else is there I can do?

 

Edited May 17, 2017 by WaterfallMachine