Jealousy , Marriage Relationship, How To Handle?

[Dharam]

I am very much insecure of my marriage relationship because my wife seems to be seeking attention of other males even when I am along with her . I have caught her up few times seeing eye to eye  with other men and it really embarrass me as how to behave sometime I just walk away from the spot letting her do whatever she is doing . I tried to confront her but couldn't dare however I gave her the hint that she should be happy with herself and love herself . I sometime feel that she is deliberately doing it to make me feel less . I don't know how to handle the whole situation . plz advise

[Guest Annetta]

I do this sometimes.  It is to see if you are still cared for.  But it's dysfunctional.  I just watched this a day or two ago, maybe show it to her?

Good luck! <3

[Prabhaker]

40 minutes ago, Dharam said:

I am very much insecure of my marriage relationship because my wife seems to be seeking attention of other males even when I am along with her

It is natural, she is not clever, so she is unable to pretend that she is not interested in other males. If she is interested in you , it is natural that she will be interested in other males too. Poor woman is not wise enough to deceive you, so you caught her.

@Annetta Do you agree with me ?

Edited May 17, 2017 by Prabhaker

[Sevi]

@Dharam you need to be telling her every single line you wrote here, without changing any single letter in it. With a reasonable tone. There is no other way around. 

Regarding your emotional state about the situation, what I wrote might sound to you like that I'm telling you to jump out of a skyscraper.. I understand that, but you need to get yourself to that level that you can comfortably handle such conversations.

So what this means is, this can be a long term project for you: to build such a skill up. That might mean to go to a therapist and work out to understand why you have an unease to speak up and/or why you are putting yourself in this type of relationship in the first place.. and please don't postpone this work; just start anywhere..

"Dance of Anger" Harriet Lerner

Don't get stuck in the title of the book, at least, start by reading it.

Wishing you the best of luck..

 

[Guest Annetta]

@Prabhaker Sort of, personally if I engage in this behavior it is because I am confused on where I stand in the relationship and a reaction from the partner assures me that I am still loved.  I don't usually have attraction to other males when I am interested in a person or dating them, because I am not usually attracted to very many people to begin with.
I call these dysfunctional reassurance seeking habits my "pings".

Perhaps it is a similar problem for this woman?

[Prabhaker]

4 minutes ago, Annetta said:

I don't usually have attraction to other males when I am interested in a person or dating them

 Every male is attracted to a good looking female, even he is in a relationship.

Women don’t stare at men in the same way men stare at women. The way women look at men is different. They do what’s called a “passing glance”. They typically don’t move their heads or bodies in the way males do. Instead, they move their eyes.

Women sometimes check out good looking guys without others noticing. It is natural.

[Guest Annetta]

@Prabhaker Men are visual, it's true. 

[Annie]

@Dharam Perhaps she just liked the way the other guys looked because women also like to look at attractive men. My advice would be to try this: next time you go out with her tell her how beautiful she is, inside and out, engage her in a conversation about something she is passionate about, make plans about your future, make her feel special. Give her all your attention. Maybe all she wants is simply your approval.
If the problem is still not going away then confront her about this.

[SFRL]

Tell her you are not ok with her behaviour. Depending on her reaction you can take it from there. 

Her reaction will tell you a lot. 

Edited May 18, 2017 by SFRL

[eskwire]

@Dharam She may be an insatiable black hole of insecurity that needs infinite attention. 

Or you are not giving her enough attention. 

I don't know the situation. 

Often, our male partners don't realize how much they ignore us. Or they give us attention in the ways THEY want, not what we want. 

Have you criticized her much lately?

That will send her to seek attention elsewhere.

Edited May 19, 2017 by eskwire

[Dharam]

@eskwire @eskwire I also think so !! I want to work on this but what about my ego that got so hurt 

[Visitor]

33 minutes ago, Dharam said:

@eskwire @eskwire I also think so !! I want to work on this but what about my ego that got so hurt 

The ego fears losing all the investment (self-esteem) you have conditionally placed onto your wife. The expected returns for your investment is seen by you as not going to you but to somebody else. The ego is trebling with fear of losing self-esteem (ego-energy). Any deflation is felt as humiliating.

Ironically, the cure is to be humble to realize (wife or not) that every human being has the right to live their own life. Marriage does not mean having a slave to one's own ego. We have no right to expect anything from another person.

Love is not about getting love, but giving it (for free). Find the unconditional love of your wife. Focus on that love and love that love back. Regardless of what the other does, though we may not like it, we can still love the love that loves us. This transcends any story of lost investment to one of loving. It is our loving from the heart which fulfills us, and we don't even have to do anything, except letting go of our ego fears. And even that requires us to do nothing. It is letting go of our fears which creates room in our heart to expand and radiate. 

[eskwire]

7 hours ago, Dharam said:

@eskwire @eskwire I also think so !! I want to work on this but what about my ego that got so hurt 

Not much, really. It got hurt. That is to be expected in life. The ego wants so much, it gets hurt and disappointed regularly. 

Sit and feel your feelings without judging them. Send yourself compassion for that pain.

Then think about your wife and really imagine her ego's pain - why she may be seeking attention - and send her compassion.

[Dharam]

@Visitor Seems like that's the only an authentic way to follow

[MattP]

Watch Leo's recent video on loneliness. I feel like there are some points within that can help explain what is going on. Just the fact that you are one this forum leads me to believe you are pursuing self development. Therefore, you must not be giving your wife the attention she needs. She must feel starved for attention. If She is not getting it from you, where else can she get it? If your spouse is not interested in self development as much as you are, (or at all) there is not much you can do. You can sacrifice your self development to meet the needs of her, or allow her to wander away. What is more important?

[Emerald]

On 5/17/2017 at 0:08 AM, Dharam said:

I am very much insecure of my marriage relationship because my wife seems to be seeking attention of other males even when I am along with her . I have caught her up few times seeing eye to eye  with other men and it really embarrass me as how to behave sometime I just walk away from the spot letting her do whatever she is doing . I tried to confront her but couldn't dare however I gave her the hint that she should be happy with herself and love herself . I sometime feel that she is deliberately doing it to make me feel less . I don't know how to handle the whole situation . plz advise

If you give a man attention, he'll generally give it back to you. It's perfect for someone who needs their existence validated through sexuality... which is a message that women get sent multiple times a day, every day of their lives. She may be so overt in her checking out another guy, simply because she feels like she needs the validation in order to feel desired and important. A certain degree of attraction to other people is normal. But if it's to the point of doing it all the time, and trying to get a reaction, she probably wants something from it. She may feel insignificant or fear insignificance and turn to male attention to fill that void. She may feel also that this attention is time-limited (because with age comes less male attention and existential validation), so she may have a fear of missing out and wanting to suck up all the male attention possible. Either way, she should be aware that it's embarrassing to you, and to respect your boundaries at least while she's out with you. She may be doing to to avoid feeling invisible, but she should also be aware of behavior that make others feel invisible and under-valued as well.