Hesitation In Abandoning Approval Seeking

[Guest]

A few months ago when I first started getting serious about personal development, I did Leo’s ‘5 Top Feelings’ exercise, recognizing the power of his advice to set how you want to feel as a priority goal for the future. I identified my no.1 feeling as ‘appreciated’. A little further down the line, I started recognizing my need to move away from approval seeking (surely a necessary move for self-esteem, self-reliance, and personal development in general). I’ve been aware of the dissonance between these two goals for a while, but am now ready to tackle it.

I feel that building myself up so that I don’t rely on validation by others is a hugely positive and important thing. However, I’m a little reticent to abandon my goal of seeking it as I’ve identified it as the time when I am most happy in life.

There are two strands of my thinking here:

• If the alternative to external validation is self-validation, I suppose the idea is that with enough self-esteem you can match or even trump the happiness you get from feeling valued by friends and family, with the added benefit of complete control. I have pretty healthy self-esteem (although it’s got its defects, I’m ironing out the creases), but it’s hard to imagine ever not getting a boost when I feel appreciated.
• Someone abandoning approval seeking doesn’t need to reject socially-gained positive emotions, they just don’t actively seek it. This logic suggests that I should keep an open heart to enjoy the pleasures of social appreciation, but take it off my list and abandon the chase for it. However, keeping proactive in my pursuit of it isn’t just about behaving needily/ neurotically in my social life - there are subtler ways of engineering my life to feel appreciated more, like making sure I have lots of time for socializing. But I guess this is still approval seeking? This raises the question: if you abandon approval seeking entirely, why would you socialize at all? Is it as simple as a wants vs needs attitude, or does being excessively self-reliant risk missing out on some forms of happiness?

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

Edited February 15, 2016 by Stretch

[Abeo Maria]

15 minutes ago, Stretch said:

A few months ago when I first started getting serious about personal development, I did Leo’s ‘5 Top Feelings’ exercise, recognizing the power of his advice to set how you want to feel as a priority goal for the future. I identified my no.1 feeling as ‘appreciated’. A little further down the line, I started recognizing my need to move away from approval seeking (surely a necessary move for self-esteem, self-reliance, and personal development in general). I’ve been aware of the dissonance between these two goals for a while, but am now ready to tackle it.

I feel that building myself up so that I don’t rely on validation by others is a hugely positive and important thing. However, I’m a little reticent to abandon my goal of seeking it as I’ve identified it as the time when I am most happy in life.

There are two strands of my thinking here:

• If the alternative to external validation is self-validation, I suppose the idea is that with enough self-esteem you can match or even trump the happiness you get from feeling valued by friends and family, with the added benefit of complete control. I have healthy self-esteem (although it’s got its defects, I’m ironing out the creases), but it’s hard to imagine ever not getting a boost when I feel appreciated.
• Someone abandoning approval seeking doesn’t need to reject socially-gained positive emotions, they just don’t actively seek it. This logic suggests that I should keep an open heart to enjoy the pleasures of social appreciation, but take it off my list and abandon the chase for it. However, keeping proactive in my pursuit of it isn’t just about behaving needily/ neurotically in my social life - there are subtler ways of engineering my life to feel appreciated more, like making sure I have lots of time for socializing. But I guess this is still approval seeking? This raises the question: if you abandon approval seeking entirely, why would you socialize at all? Is it as simple as a wants vs needs attitude, or does being excessively self-reliant risk missing out on some forms of happiness?

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

Hi!
I can completely relate to what you're saying, as I've experienced/am experiencing this as well.
One clarification is important, it's OK to want validation and different to need it.
I feel good when I get validation, because egoically, I know it's what I want.
However, what runs deeper as a NEED is personal validation. They both can coexists harmoniously.
I pursue a lot of things out of just natural want, without focusing too much on WHY i want it....for example, playing the guitar or being in agreeable relationships where family and friends approve of the path I'm on it...it feels good...however, it's not a need.
Because there will come a time when what you do, may not be people's cup of tea...like self development work, or not attending college; etc;
I think seeking approval then, ONLY becomes dangerous if we put it over our own personal validation. If the two are ever at a crossroads, as in you ignore what you really want to do in order to have others approve of an alternative route, then it becomes unhealthy.
If you do what you love (for example) because first and foremost it's coming from an intrinsic place, then it's okay if secondarily it makes you feel good that others may enjoy or validate it as well.
But that's just my opinion.
Otherwise I'd say it's ok to enjoy what we want, as long as it doesn't effect what we need. If your priorities are in place, they both can exists harmoniously.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Abeo Maria

[Avi]

@Stretch I'm in the same boat. On one side I am scared to let go of external validation because I feel like I need it. On the other side I know that deep down inside that all the validation and happiness that I need is inside of me. I guess I'm stuck a little in between? 

[Guest]

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I spent some time yesterday working on my top feelings and have some new thoughts. I think what is better than feeling Appreciated is to feel Connected. This was an interesting development for me because I realised while journaling about this that actually the two are antithetical to each other. Tactics for seeking Appreciation (essentially, ego-based pleasure rewards) can actually be alienating, I think. You end up relating to people from a self-centred view point, doing whatever needs to be done in your interactions to get the right reactions - basically using people. Tactics for seeking Connection involve, I think, leaving your judgments and assumptions at the door and trying to learn as much about another person as you can, from a selfless place. This comparison actually surprised me quite a bit, that they are so opposed to each other. Seeking Connection works for me as an alternative to approval-seeking.