Feeling The Essence of God While on Mescaline at a Strip Club

[Tristan12]

This trip goes along with my previous posts about my progression towards fana (basically the sufi version of enlightenment). Every psychedelic I have done in the last month has very clearly been the universe working on me to help me reach fana, rather than being a normal psychedelic trip. This trip was one of my best trips ever, and I feel like I am very close to reaching fana.

To preface this trip report, here is a realization I've had recently:

I’ve always been so infatuated with really beautiful girls, and with sexuality as a whole. You would think that I wouldn't have much interest in that kind of thing now, since I have lost interest in most other similar human desires, but I realized recently that I love those things so much because I see God in them. To me, the most beautiful thing on the planet and the clearest expression of God’s endless beauty is a really beautiful woman. To me, sex with a really beautiful woman symbolizes merging with God’s beauty, and unification with God. When I obsess over sex and beautiful women, it’s because I see God in them more than anything else. It is my personal doorway to God.

Recently the universe/my intuition pointed all of this out to me, and showed me that I need to use it to help me reach God. Beautiful girls and sexuality make me feel safe, happy, at peace, ecstatic, it touches my heart and shows me God better than anything else. Because of that, focusing on those things is the perfect tool for me to help me surrender my life to God and reach fana. So I see physical beauty and sexuality differently than most people - to me it’s not just a shallow pleasure, it’s an expression of God, and to me it is an important spiritual tool.

 

Here is my trip report:

Last night I had the idea to take mescaline and go to a strip club. Intuitively it felt like the right thing to do, so I did it. I plugged 200mg of mescaline HCl, Ubered to a club I really like, and by the time I got there, the effects were fully on.

I sat down and watched the stage, and I ended up doing that the whole night, only getting a dance at the end. It was a lot more entertaining watching the stage on mescaline. Usually I get bored of it and I’m just waiting for dances, but it was really amazing watching the strippers on the stage while high. They were beautiful and sexy and it really turned me on, and the feeling of the environment was great. I was just sat there in the same spot for hours, just taking in the energy of the place the whole time. I liked a lot of the music they played as well. It really added to the feeling of the place, and the beauty I could feel.

 

The beautiful blonde girl on stage

At one point there was this beautiful blonde girl on stage. She had her back leaned against the pole with her feet planted in front of her, and she moved her stomach up and down in waves, and it looked like a flag waving in the wind, and the whole thing fit perfectly with the song that was playing. 

The way she was moving her stomach like she was blowing in the wind gave her such an innocent and beautiful feel, along with the beautiful music that was playing, and the fact that it was a beautiful, sexy naked girl doing that in a strip club, it just made the beauty SO much stronger and deeper.

The beauty of it sucked me in and it felt like it put me in a trans. For that moment I forgot that there was a real girl there, and as I got sucked into the experience, my own sense of self started to fade away, and it was like I was watching this beautiful scene occurring in the mind of God. It really felt like there was no self there - nobody on the stage, and nobody watching. It was just consciousness. It had such a deeply peaceful, innocent, beautiful, gentle feeling to it. I fell completely in love with it.

I started to have such a deep desire to lose myself in it. It was like I wanted to place my life, my soul, my heart, into this moment, and let it dissolve into it and stay there in that heavenly moment forever. I am so sick of being a human, being in this life, having control, and being exhausted from this life I live. All I wanted was to completely surrender myself to this incredible beauty I was taking in and lose myself in it forever. 

This feeling started to get so deep that I felt like I wanted to regurgitate my heart out onto the floor, so my body and ego would fall away and die, and my heart could truly come alive. That way my heart could really be in love, it could merge and dissolve into everything beautiful I was experiencing around me, with nothing holding it back.

This scene I was watching had no feeling of ‘self’ to it at all. The girl on stage did not feel like a real person. That sense of no self is what made the experience so deeply beautiful. I felt like if I merged with this experience, I would no longer have any sense of self, I’d have no thoughts, no sense of control, there would be no ‘doing’, just pure, innocent beauty. I wanted more than anything to lose myself and dissolve into that beauty.

Watch this music video from 3:18 until the end. There are scenes of this blonde girl with her hair blowing in the wind. That was exactly the kind of beautiful, innocent feeling I experienced here, and with all sense of self fading away, it truly felt like an expression of God.

 

Constantly wanting to lose myself in ecstasy

This became a common theme throughout this whole trip - experiencing deeply beautiful and pleasurable things, and wanting so badly to lose myself and dissolve into them. It was like my heart was constantly looking for a moment of deep ecstasy to place itself into, so it could die to it and merge with it forever. 

This whole trip was deeply pleasurable. I have never had a psychedelic feel this ecstatic and pleasurable before, even though I have had sexual experiences like this on psychedelics in the past. I think it was the deep desire I had to lose myself that made it feel so good. I was constantly seeing God and deeply spiritual beauty and ecstasy in everything, and all I wanted to do was surrender to it and merge with it completely.

 

The energy getting hype

There was a time when the club got busier, the music got louder and more intense, the lights started flashing more aggressively, and the entire energy of the place got very intense. Usually something like this would make me uncomfortable, because it’s overstimulating, and I am quiet, shy, introverted, I was there alone, and on a psychedelic. Usually this would make me uncomfortable. But this time it didn’t at all. It felt like the more intense it got, the better it felt, because it was pulling me away from myself and I was merging into it. It felt amazing.

There was a group of girls near the stage celebrating a birthday, and the stripper started shaking her ass in front of them really fast, and the girls were throwing money on her. They all looked so happy, the energy of the place felt so joyous and beautiful. I fell so deeply in love with it all, and I felt like I loved every person there. It was like this room I was in was the only thing that existed in reality, and it was nothing but fun, joy, happiness, love, beauty. 

Again, it gave me this feeling, “maybe I can place my soul and my life right here in this beautiful moment and keep it here forever?”. Every beautiful moment that happened this night made me want to dissolve myself into it, so that I could stay with that incredible beauty and pleasure forever, so it would never have to end.

 

Talking to one of the waitresses

Near the end, when the place was about to close, I wanted to get a lap dance with a specific girl, so I moved to a different spot and was waiting for her to pass by. One of the waitresses there was really pretty. I went up to her to ask what time they close, and I told her she was pretty. 

When I sat back down, I had the idea to ask for her number. I was unsure if that would be a good idea or not, because even though she’s a waitress, she works at a strip club, but I felt like I was actually so close to doing it, and I was so much less nervous than I usually am. It felt like because I was so surrendered to the universe’s guidance at that point, and I was just following how I felt, there was so much less resistance, fear and overthinking within me, and I felt like I could just go do what I wanted.

Eventually I saw the girl I wanted a dance with, and after the dance I didn’t see the waitress so I just left, but it was amazing how little fear I had at that moment.

 

Getting a lap dance

I picked one of the hottest girls at the place and got a dance with her. We went in a private room and the dance started. We went for about 15 minutes. I had never met this girl before, and I didn’t tell her anything about what I liked, but she started doing all of my favourite things. She was grinding her ass on me, leaning back on me, putting her face right next to mine, moaning, touching my neck, moving her hands through my hair.

She did a few different things in the beginning, but for the second half I got her to keep doing what I just described. It felt so good, her body was so nice, and it made it so much better that I was on mescaline. I could feel myself wanting to surrender and dissolve into the experience. As I got deeper and deeper into surrender, I could feel myself merging into the girl and becoming her. It was like steam was coming off my body, but instead of steam, it was my life, my soul, my essence leaving me and merging into this beautiful girl that was on top of me. The more deeply I left myself and became her, the better it felt, and that was the most enjoyable part of the whole dance.

The fact that this girl did everything I liked so perfectly without me even telling her what I liked, it really felt like the universe was winking at me, like it created this experience for me on purpose, making it feel especially good so that I could surrender deeper, and see how good it could feel to totally let go. It was clear that this whole trip was not just for fun. The universe was doing deep and serious work on me, preparing my heart to merge with God.

After the dance was done they were closing, so I left and went home.

 

Conclusion

This entire trip was deeply beautiful and amazing. There was so much divine pleasure and ecstasy within it, and I could feel myself falling in love with each moment and wanting to merge and dissolve into everything so badly. I feel withdrawal symptoms after it, like I wish I could be back there so badly, and I hate having to leave. I know that this withdrawal will help me with my progression towards fana and total surrender to God, because it will increase my desire for it even more.

I think doing a mescaline trip at a strip club was an incredibly good idea for my development towards fana, considering how much beautiful girls and sexuality connect me to God. I think it was perfect for my personal spiritual path, and I only decided to do it based on intuition, so it’s clear that the universe purposely wanted me to do it.

[Yimpa]

Wow. I fell in love with Hana during my trip. It rhymes with Fana

[jimwell]

8 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

To me, sex with a really beautiful woman symbolizes merging with God’s beauty, and unification with God. When I obsess over sex and beautiful women, it’s because I see God in them more than anything else. It is my personal doorway to God.

 

8 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

So I see physical beauty and sexuality differently than most people - to me it’s not just a shallow pleasure, it’s an expression of God, and to me it is an important spiritual tool.

This resembles how I perceive beautiful girls and having sex with them. This is especially a strong spiritual experience because my divinity and humanity are aligned in a unique way. I see and feel God in all beautiful things, but the experience lacks human sexual desire. But when I enjoy and penetrate a beautiful girl, human sexual desire is added to the experience, making it a deeply spiritual one. I feel happy and grateful that this is my default state. I don't need drugs or chemicals.

 

8 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I started to have such a deep desire to lose myself in it. It was like I wanted to place my life, my soul, my heart, into this moment, and let it dissolve into it and stay there in that heavenly moment forever. I am so sick of being a human, being in this life, having control, and being exhausted from this life I live. All I wanted was to completely surrender myself to this incredible beauty I was taking in and lose myself in it forever. 

This is not the best way and it's even a trap. Why don't you continue living as a human and create more spiritual moments? These beautiful, sexual, spiritual moments can compensate for life's misery.