i'm really weird around family. what the hell is wrong with me?

[Judy2]

@Cireeric

5 hours ago, Cireeric said:

I would think it feels threatening because it is threatening to your self-identity. Your parents interpret you in ways that doesnt feel in alignment with your self-identity as you want to affirm it. So you close off and go into defensiveness when you notice that the framing of your parents doesnt fit with who you want to be. Probably you notice the phenomena that with some other people you can more authentically feel yourself as the person who you want to be. Your parents probably have attachments to an outdated version of you. When youre allowing in their interpretation too much you feel more defined by their interpretation.

hm....i'm not entirely sure if that's what it all boils down to, or if it's something else. guess i'll have to keep observing.

[Cireeric]

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

@Cireeric

hm....i'm not entirely sure if that's what it all boils down to, or if it's something else. guess i'll have to keep observing.

Yes, a lot of guessing based on my own experience and observation, I thought it might be helpful, but of course your experience is different.

[Judy2]

10 hours ago, Cireeric said:

Yes, a lot of guessing based on my own experience and observation, I thought it might be helpful, but of course your experience is different.

yeah it's a helpful perspective for sure:) thank you!

Edited April 18 by Judy2

[Salvijus]

I have a similar situation with one of my parents. Very difficult to be around. I too have to get up and walk away sometimes lol. Even tho there's no animosity or ill will from me or towards me. It's just that we don't belong in a same room yet we are tied by blood. It's super weird. I think it's that because we are soooo different that if we were not relatives but random strangers, we would be enemies. But yea... It's super weird. 

Edited April 18 by Salvijus

[Schizophonia]

On 17/04/2025 at 2:25 PM, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia i sometimes feel hatred for my parents because i am scared i might be like them, or i might be the things i dislike about them. for example my mother's external appearance or the way she talks about certain things. i see their flaws and feel oppressed by the obligation to associate myself with them "because they're family". does that tie in with what you are trying to say?

You are completely right 🙂

But there are behaviors that could be considered undesirable everywhere and to which you are not sensitive; What I am pointing out is that there are reasons why you are sensitive to these behaviors in particular rather than something else, some other karma (eating meat from the worst slaughterhouses, not sorting, not showering...); There is always a biais.

And this is because you believe (unconsciously, anchored in your self-concept) that these tendencies are also present in you; As it is characterized negatively you project it and identify with the other "positive" polarity (according to your point of view, survival strategy).

https://www.encyclopedia.com/psychology/dictionaries-thesauruses-pictures-and-press-releases/splitting-ego

So if your parents are so-called fat, bawdy, "maniacal" lol and you have registered that it was bad for you, you will avoid them (to avoid the temptation to be like them) and you will confine yourself more to a basically opposite character.

 

As for the genesis of the threat that conditions the persona; intuitively, one might say that it's a case of bullying or something like that, but that's actually an illusion; bad experiences are actually the consequences of this persona, which was already formed beforehand.
Children don't dislike their parents; most of the time, they actually become like them; children don't have real neurotic tendencies in general.

It all starts with the Oedipus complex and the development of the superego, the "policeman" of the conscience; that's why I talked about the incest taboo.
Even if the incest taboo is well-integrated in you, a tyrannical superego will make you act as if it weren't integrated; not just incest, by the way, but with everyone.

So rather than simply mingling with your family and being content with it in a more or less cordial manner, there will eventually be a risk of disgust, as if there were a sexual interplay.
You judge them sexually and assume they judge you sexually; otherwise, there would be no fear of "merging" with them, of becoming like "them."

This is the heart of various problems of a neurotic nature; in particular paranoid personality disorder. 

Edited April 18 by Schizophonia

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia I'm not very familiar with the Freudian framework you are applying here, so the allusion to incest does sound strange to me. Why would that even be a concern?

 

[Salvijus]

I was thinking about this a bit, maybe it's because you know subconsciously that if you engage with them there will be conflict. So you chose to be distant otherwise the alternative is conflict. And probably on some level you think, it's a fruitless one, the one I've experienced many times already. So you're just sitting there, waiting for it all to just pass over, while everything about them pushes your buttons. 

That's more or less how it is in my case. Reminds me of Ram Dass quote: "if you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your parents" 

Edited April 18 by Salvijus

[Judy2]

@Salvijus yes, conflict is definitely an issue. it's something i already expect to happen every time i visit.

[LordFall]

@Schizophonia Bro I actually have that, can you tell me more or where can I read more on this to stop it from happening? It’s like part of my awakening I identify with people and then think about them sexually or in other inappropriate ways, glad it’s an actual phenomenon and I’m not too much of a weirdo that has been happening for 1-2 years on and off. 

[ted73104]

This is interesting, the child is naturally more conscious and capable than her parents.

I am guessing that your reaction to your parents is basically you mimicking how your parents treat other people who are below them. Your parents are flawed in a way where when you excel over them in some area, they can get almost angry at you. They probably demand you to respect them somehow after they've seen your "superiority". They may not tell you this, but it can be observed through their small talk and body language.

I'm not saying your parents are bad parents, they're probably great parents which is why you've grown so fast relative to where they are at mentally. They treat you so well you don't feel the need to please them intentionally. You are probably trying to get away from some sort of vibe from them that you don't like.

You could probably try to identify what it is you are escaping from and try to see that thing in yourself. Then find some way to embrace and accept it as it is.

[shree]

Hi @Judy2

By the description you gave us, I can tell you live with a narcissistic family.

Planing a family cut off ( if possible ) might be your holy grail.

 

One doesn't heal while enmeshed in a toxic dynamics.

Also, bringing awareness to gasliting and toxicity that you are forced to live in, can make you even more depressed and anxious.

 

Here are three books that could be of an immense value for you:

1. It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People - Dr. Ramani Durvasula


2. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C. Gibson


3. Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect - Dr. Jonice Webb

 

[Judy2]

@shree Hey, thanks for your reply.

I don't think my family is particularly narcissistic or that cutting out my family should be the goal. I love my family, and they're generally trying to be supportive. They aren't any more toxic than the average family. I have a brother who is getting on well with my parents and who has never developed any major psychological issues.

This is a "me-problem" (not just saying that but based on the fact that I am generally weird and complicated when it comes to relationships), which means that I am the one who should develop healthier strategies to let them do their thing while being able to interact with them to a degree that is right for me. So that's something I have got to figure out somehow. The general parameters of our relationship (me living on my own, but talking on the phone and meeting with them occasionally) don't have to change. It's just a matter of figuring out how I can feel more grounded when we do interact. 

 

The book recommendations seem promising - thank you:) I'll look into those!

Edited 12 hours ago by Judy2