i'm really weird around family. what the hell is wrong with me?

[Judy2]

should i feel guilty because i'm so rude?

 

i haven't visited their house in almost five years, we only meet for a maximum of ten days at a time either at my grandma's or on holiday, and by the end of this time i always feel super drained, glad to get away soon, and like i couldn't stand it much longer.

it's almost common knowledge when we meet that i need a lot of "me-time".

yesterday we were at the movie theater and halfway through the movie, i decided to get up and sit a  few rows further at the back to be on my own and able to breathe. 

when i get up in the mornings and my parents say good morning to me, sometimes i can't respond, on principle. ... not because i am lazy but because of some emotional tension i feel, because i need my own "bubble" and don't want them to get too close to me.

i prefer to eat on my own most of the time. due to my ed history i always think it's a good idea to go on a diet or fast when around family.... which only makes me more susceptible to emotional tension (?), so it's weird that i would do that....but again, in my head that's my "protective bubble", even though it doesn't actually work in keeping bad emotions at bay.

 

why am i so weird??? they usually accept this type of behaviour behaviour but i know they're not happy about it.

i'm not nearly as weird around friends. 

should i feel guilty, am i just rude? i'm not even trying to be nicer because i feel so vulnerable. 

sometimes a bit of guilt kicks in and i try to talk cheerfully about random stuff (after my being annoyed has visibly annoyed them and i feel guilty), but most of the time when i'm around my parents, i feel so tense and like i need to get away because they could do stuff to annoy me or cause me emotional distress.

i'm wondering who's in the right here....if i am just awfully rude and not even trying to be nicer, or if it is justified that i am acting this way.

i think i'm a very ungrateful daughter, yet at the same time, i almost can't help myself and can't act nicer, as that would almost compromise my own emotional safety....which is somehow more important than being nice to my parents.

[Hojo]

Our parents gaslight the fk out of us. It seems to be normal. Its very hard to be a good parent.

Edited April 17 by Hojo

[Judy2]

@Hojo maybe, but i know i'm being objectively weird and sometimes unkind or even disrespectful. and i still can't help acting this way.

Edited April 17 by Judy2

[Judy2]

7 minutes ago, Hojo said:

 Its very hard to be a good parent.

my parents are good parents, but something is really wrong with me so that i can't appreciate it.

[integral]

You have to take the lead and bring the conversation to the vibe you want to be.

You are in control of the vibe.

It’s all an act, resisting as an act, going with the flow is an act. Being interested is an act, laughing at everything and finding it all funny as an act

And that act is real, your brain and body cannot tell the difference as long as you’re not resisting

Edited April 17 by integral

[Hojo]

@Judy2 They probably gaslit you into having to pretend to be something you arent and dont know how to be. You say you are comfortable around friend but parents will literally fight with you when you want to act normal.

What integral is saying is good to think about. God create us with infinite persona and we refuse to wear some masks.

Edited April 17 by Hojo

[PenguinPablo]

Not saying this applies to everyone, but I’ve noticed a strong pattern: when someone has an ED, the parents are often deeply emotionally dysfunctional — even if it’s not obvious on the surface.

It sounds like, in your case, the disordered eating is a way to reclaim control in an environment where you didn’t have much.

Your distance from them might be your nervous system protecting you. Just a thought.

@Hojo

Edited April 17 by PenguinPablo

[meta_male]

@Judy2 It’s less about who’s right and more about the dynamic that’s off when you're around certain people, like your parents. You have to go to great lengths to protect your emotional wellbeing around them, and that’s draining. Guilt is so deeply ingrained from how we’re raised, but it’s not helping you as an adult. It’s a manipulation tactic to force you to live according to other people’s expectations. A lot of those expectations are unspoken too, especially in family dynamics.

You're doing well by honoring your emotional needs.

 

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Do you ever feel as if they are, or will, ask more of you than you are willing to give?

Do you feel they have expectations for you, and you are someone totally different than they can comprehend?

From what I have read, there is some energy exchange happening that is resulting in you feeling unsafe around them. That fear is feeding the need to retreat into yourself to reclaim some charge.

Are you 100% yourself around them? 

Sorry for all the questions! 

[Judy2]

27 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Sorry for all the questions! 

No problem, i think they're helpful questions to get me thinking about this from a new angle:)

31 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Do you ever feel as if they are, or will, ask more of you than you are willing to give?

Do you feel they have expectations for you, and you are someone totally different than they can comprehend?

i think it's actually the opposite. since i've been struggling psychologically for a long time, my mum has always made sure to emphasise that there aren't any expectations on her end. other parents might be angrier when being distanced in the way i distance her, but she mostly accepts it if i say i need some time on my own.

when i was at school, both of my parents actually almost got angry at me for having good grades or studying too much from their pov....not the other way around.

32 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

From what I have read, there is some energy exchange happening that is resulting in you feeling unsafe around them. That fear is feeding the need to retreat into yourself to reclaim some charge.

Are you 100% yourself around them? 

i think it's actually weird how little of a people pleaser i am around them. around others i usually make an effort to be nice and act happy.

if anything it feels like i am too grumpy and honest around my parents. not sure if that qualifies as "being myself", but i'm usually brutally straightforward about needing space and not wanting them to get too close to me. i sometimes tell my mum "leave me alone", and like i said, i physically got up to sit somewhere else last night. most people would say that's pretty disrespectful.

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, meta_male said:

@Judy2 You have to go to great lengths to protect your emotional wellbeing around them, and that’s draining.

(...)

You're doing well by honoring your emotional needs.

 

4 hours ago, PenguinPablo said:

Not saying this applies to everyone, but I’ve noticed a strong pattern: when someone has an ED, the parents are often deeply emotionally dysfunctional — even if it’s not obvious on the surface.

It sounds like, in your case, the disordered eating is a way to reclaim control in an environment where you didn’t have much.

Your distance from them might be your nervous system protecting you. Just a thought.

@Hojo

yes, that's one way of looking at it.

what's weird though is that my way of keeping safe is, in some cases, by hurting myself. and then no matter how dysfunctional they may be, i'm the ostensibly dysfunctional, weird one. maybe there'd be other ways to acknowledge my emotional needs, but i haven't figured out how.

Edited April 17 by Judy2

[Natasha Tori Maru]

35 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

No problem, i think they're helpful questions to get me thinking about this from a new angle:)

i think it's actually the opposite. since i've been struggling psychologically for a long time, my mum has always made sure to emphasise that there aren't any expectations on her end. other parents might be angrier when being distanced in the way i distance her, but she mostly accepts it if i say i need some time on my own.

when i was at school, both of my parents actually almost got angry at me for having good grades or studying too much from their pov....not the other way around.

i think it's actually weird how little of a people pleaser i am around them. around others i usually make an effort to be nice and act happy.

if anything it feels like i am too grumpy and honest around my parents. not sure if that qualifies as "being myself", but i'm usually brutally straightforward about needing space and not wanting them to get too close to me. i sometimes tell my mum "leave me alone", and like i said, i physically got up to sit somewhere else last night. most people would say that's pretty disrespectful.

Interesting answers for sure. It is hard to have an accurate guess as to whether you are rude or not! Would definitely require more information from your parents. 

Have you asked them if they perceive you as rude/taciturn, or rely on reading their body language/mood/tone? You could be slightly hypervigilant around them, attempting to read them. But this doesn't seem the case for you based on answers!

Do you feel you are a people pleaser to your detriment around others? Maybe letting down the shield is a relief while with family. You may feel some guilt or shame which would lead you to withdraw, as you are more candid & authentic with them, forfeiting openness and pleasing behaviors. 

Also - have you tried chatGPT with this dynamic? It can be refreshing to hear objectivity (as best you can be by describing a situation subjectively!)

Edited April 17 by Natasha Tori Maru

[meta_male]

@Judy2 Your needs are very real, even if the ways you’ve learned to express them haven’t felt healthy yet. It’s okay to still be figuring out how to meet those needs without self-harm. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Just recognizing the need for change, like you’re doing now, is a huge step. 

Also, it's fine being weird. Life and people are weird in general. It's okay not to fit into the mold.

[Schizophonia]

@Judy2

There are two things:

-You feel ugly/stupid when you let yourself go, when you want to play with others.

-You have an archaic and particularly authoritarian superego that hasn't integrated the law of others in a healthy and positive way.
So when you interact with your family, depending on the members, you do it as if there were sexual issues at stake. This doesn't mean you want to flirt with your family, but since the prohibition against incest isn't clear, your superego reacts as such, and you'd rather leave than be (sexually + knowing the first point) judged.

Of course, all of this will probably sound false or strange to you because these are repressed mechanisms in the unconscious.

I believe that women are generally more bisexual; they are in an Oedipus complex with both parents and, by extension, sexual substitutes for their parents; at least, that's what Lacan or Freud said, I think; I don't know where I got that from.

Edited April 17 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

1 minute ago, Schizophonia said:

@Judy2

There are two things:

-You feel ugly/stupid when you let yourself go, when you want to play with others.

-You have an archaic and particularly authoritarian superego that hasn't integrated the law of others in a healthy and positive way.
So, all of this is repressed, but when you interact with your family, depending on the members, you do it as if there were sexual issues at stake (knowing the first point). This doesn't mean you want to flirt with your family, but since the prohibition against incest isn't clear, your superego reacts as such, and you'd rather leave than be judged.

I have a feeling it's incomplete so I'll probably come back to it later today when I have more time.

[Cireeric]

The relationships with our parents is one of the trickiest for almost all of us to figure out. I could imagine that there are reasons why you behave this way that youre probably not conscious of. Do you often feel misunderstood from your parents if you express yourself freely? Do you feel permission to express freely? Oftentimes there are some subtle ways how they are consiously or unconsciously framing you or your interactions that dont feel authentic to you as the person you want to be that put you off, where you want to distance yourself from those framings. Oftentimes it is a hard task for parents to change their ways of relating to you, as you grow from being their kid to being a mature individual.

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

 

You have an archaic and particularly authoritarian superego

well that sounds pretty bad

i'll google the rest because i don't quite understand it:)

 

Edited April 17 by Judy2

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia i sometimes feel hatred for my parents because i am scared i might be like them, or i might be the things i dislike about them. for example my mother's external appearance or the way she talks about certain things. i see their flaws and feel oppressed by the obligation to associate myself with them "because they're family". does that tie in with what you are trying to say?

curiously, the relationship with my brother is the complete inverse: he's the more distanced one and i'm the one reaching out and wanting to get close more often. it's also much easier to idealise my brother than to idealise my "ugly" parents.

[Judy2]

30 minutes ago, Cireeric said:

The relationships with our parents is one of the trickiest for almost all of us to figure out. I could imagine that there are reasons why you behave this way that youre probably not conscious of. Do you often feel misunderstood from your parents if you express yourself freely? Do you feel permission to express freely? Oftentimes there are some subtle ways how they are consiously or unconsciously framing you or your interactions that dont feel authentic to you as the person you want to be that put you off, where you want to distance yourself from those framings. Oftentimes it is a hard task for parents to change their ways of relating to you, as you grow from being their kid to being a mature individual.

yes, feeling misunderstood is a theme, and sometimes i wonder why being misunderstood feels so bad and threatening. it shouldn't be a problem, but it feels like it is.

[Cireeric]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

yes, feeling misunderstood is a theme, and sometimes i wonder why being misunderstood feels so bad and threatening. it shouldn't be a problem, but it feels like it is.

I would think it feels threatening because it is threatening to your self-identity. Your parents interpret you in ways that doesnt feel in alignment with your self-identity as you want to affirm it. So you close off and go into defensiveness when you notice that the framing of your parents doesnt fit with who you want to be. Probably you notice the phenomena that with some other people you can more authentically feel yourself as the person who you want to be. Your parents probably have attachments to an outdated version of you. When youre allowing in their interpretation too much you feel more defined by their interpretation. Their framing of you can be very subtle and implicit but you still feel it. So you have to balance the tension between authenticity and connectedness. By staying very conscious in your interactions and clarifying your position and re-frame where you feel falsely interpreted or misunderstood in a light way while still showing the intention to connect you can slowly shift the relationship, but it also depends on the awareness and presence of your parents.

 

Edited April 17 by Cireeric