Getting sexually objectified as a man

[Consept]

This happened to me personally and I guess i kinda just want to get it out, feel free to comment or give advice. I'm going to leave out a lot of specifics but hopefully youll get the gist. 

So im part of a sports and social type club, so its mainly men, but that participate but a woman owns and runs it and a few others help run it. Obviously im black and a lot of the other guys are black, most of the people that run it are white, this will become relevant in a bit. There has been flirting and stuff between the sexes but mostly respectful, when i started pretty much all the women had partners so nothing crazy happened. Where it got a bit weird was one time I took my top off to change after an event and I got looks from the women, not necessarily bad more like a bit flustered, I didnt really think too much of it, just to say as well everyone was getting changed that way so i wasnt doing it on purpose (probably was a part of me that wanted to show off lol). 

The woman that runs it made a comment after that it was a diet coke moment, again didnt really think much of it. Then a few weeks later before a game I needed to go to the toilet so i went in the bushes, I heard the comment 'watch you dont put someones eye out', from the owner, you can guess what this is referring to. I heard a few comments like this every now and then but basically tried to shut them down in a laugh it off type way. 

Then I actually started dating one of the women that was around the club after she broke up with another guy. After speaking to her I found out that there was a groupchat for the women literally named a joking word for dick, where my own dick and probably others was the subject of some of their convos. Apparently this had been happening for a while, where theyll say stuff in a joking way like 'its hard to look anywhere else when hes wearing shorts' or other such hilarious jokes. 

At first the woman I was dating was saying it in a way where its funny but I pointed out that imagine the roles were reversed and you had a male owner of a club where it was women competing and he set up a group talking to his mates about their vaginas. I mean im sure it happens but its pretty fucked up and not something shed condone. She did take it well and said she would say something if it was brought up again, however im kinda looking at her a bit different as well cos i think she shouldve said something before to them. 

It feels like a real double standard as if men should be happy to be objectified, thing with this situation is, I wasnt in on the joke at all, regardless if its a compliment to me or not, I dont really take it as such. It really got to me because ive been cool with everyone there, shown respect to them, just been myself generally and then to be reduced to just my sex organ and a stupid stereotype is actually offensive to me. What makes it worse is its basically a group of white people laughing about a black guys dick unashamedly. Its also clear that they know its kinda wrong because they dont really say it in front of me. the woman im seeing is also non-white though just to say. 

Anyway i know women go through this all the time so I'm not trying to take away from that, if anything i can empathise more with that situation but i guess just expressing how it made me feel personally.  

 

[Rishabh R]

@Consept Tell them in a polite way that you didn't like their actions and if the situation escalates then distance yourself from them by stop contacting them.

By the way sorry for your situation. I mean , I know it's easy to give advice but difficult to implement.

[Applegarden8]

I get think I get objectified at work sometimes, so I started to shave rarely. I don't approve any kind of flirting from women that are taken. I find it very uncomfortable in general. Work your relationships out. I know it's tempting. But the grass may seem greener where you are not. If the woman is free, I don't care, I will respond.

I come there to work and have friendly business relationship. If I stare at you too much, sorry, I am a male, I recognize that and those are my instincts that are triggered by your make-up. They reduce over time though!

Thanks for sharing. 

Edited April 16 by Applegarden8

[Basman]

They broke the one rule, never leak the group chat. It would all been okay if it was contained.

There's a point here too that weird and unethical behavior isn't recognized if it is normalized.

[Consept]

2 hours ago, Rishabh R said:

@Consept Tell them in a polite way that you didn't like their actions and if the situation escalates then distance yourself from them by stop contacting them.

By the way sorry for your situation. I mean , I know it's easy to give advice but difficult to implement.

Thanks man, I do want to say something to them but I don't want to implicate the girl I'm talking to, just got to think of the best way. It's the end of the season now though so won't see them regularly for a few months.

1 hour ago, Applegarden8 said:

I get think I get objectified at work sometimes, so I started to shave rarely. I don't approve any kind of flirting from taken women that are taken. I find it very uncomfortable in general. Work your relationships out. I know it's tempting. But the grass may seem greener where you are not. If the woman is free, I don't care, I will respond.

I hear you bro, I don't mind the odd flirt but obviously there are certain boundaries that need to be kept esp in a work environment. 

21 minutes ago, Basman said:

They broke the one rule, never leak the group chat. It would all been okay if it was contained.

There's a point here too that weird and unethical behavior isn't recognized if it is normalized.

Yeah I guess she shouldn't have told me, but it was obvious one because she was acting a bit shady when she mentioned the group chat but didn't say what they talked about. Also the owner makes comments that are kind of inside jokes, but she'll say it around me so I'm confused to exactly what they're talking about but I know it's at my expense. Basically I knew something was up even without the leak, I just didn't know the extent of it. 

Yes it is very strange that this behaviour was completely normalised and no one involved even thought, this is a bit fucked up. The same people if they heard they or one of their friends was talked about the same by a bunch of guys would straight away say it's wrong. Madness of crowds I guess

 

[Schizophonia]

It would piss me off to be fetishized like that because it means that the love I have is extremely conditional.
 

Black fetishes are very racist and a defect in Protestant countries; I live in a region where the male culture is quite bawdy, and there are a lot of big (white) rugby players who are more androgenic than average. I've never seen women with a fetish for black people, very probably because in their subconscious there isn't that much difference in injections when it comes to behavior between black and white men. If what I'm saying makes sense.

[Majed]

@Consept Honestly i would be happy if women were talking about me in sexual ways lmao, sounds like a win to me. 

[Consept]

31 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

It would piss me off to be fetishized like that because it means that the love I have is extremely conditional.
 

Black fetishes are very racist and a defect in Protestant countries; I live in a region where the male culture is quite bawdy, and there are a lot of big (white) rugby players who are more androgenic than average. I've never seen women with a fetish for black people, very probably because in their subconscious there isn't that much difference in injections when it comes to behavior between black and white men. If what I'm saying makes sense.

Don't know exactly what you mean by injections. But don't get too caught up on the race thing, i don't really think it's a fetishising thing esp considering the owner is a lesbien(i know confusing), I just brought it up cos optically it doesn't look great 

[Consept]

1 minute ago, Majed said:

@Consept Honestly i would be happy if women were talking about me in sexual ways lmao, sounds like a win to me. 

I knew someone would say that lol you wouldn't feel like that if you were in the situation. It's not the talking about me sexually necessarily, it's more the fact of being treated one way but knowing that they have all these inside jokes about me, as well as probably sharing pictures etc it's a betrayal of trust and a reduction of you as a person to just basically your genitals 

[Majed]

@Consept Get the stick out of your ass, and go organize an orgy with these women, if that's what they want. 

[integral]

@Consept 

It’s unlikely she’s purely using you as a sex object and its all a manipulation game to get in your pants.

Women want to talk about how hot you are, it’s basic gossip.

But if they’re shaming and making fun of genital regions, then they’re revealing their toxic character to you and nothing you say and do is gonna change that. it’s time to pack your bags.

They’re not marriage material… gotta place them in some kind of category. Maybe she’s in the “have fun for a few months” category that’s how you should place her.

not every relationship is gonna be a perfect compatibility deep holistic connection

Edited April 16 by integral

[gambler]

45 minutes ago, Majed said:

@Consept Get the stick out of your ass, and go organize an orgy with these women, if that's what they want. 

What is your problem. Keep your sexual projection to yourself.

Edited April 16 by gambler

[Hojo]

I am sexually objectified many time. Dont show women respect they wont show it back they are worse than men. This is a defense mechanism but totally not okay. What i noticed is that men get a bad wrap for talking about women when it rarely happens and its actually women that do it. I have rarely had conversations about women to my friends, only asking very basic questions and being very respectful. Never objectified a woman like they do verbally only in my mind. 2 women stole my number from the work phone book to try to hook up. One woman beg me for 4 years to give me a blowjob. I said no 27 times, we hung out a bit she said we can be friend. After 4 years I said ok you can put my penis in your mouth, I thought I was in a karmic loop. After I said I didnt want to do it again she lost her mind and wont talk to me but said she was friends with me.

You would never hear this story from a womans point of view. We were raised properly, in that perspective.

Edited April 16 by Hojo

[Basman]

@Consept I've been sexually harassed once while taking a shower by another man and the people of my group, who where mostly girls, just laughed it off. You know if the genders where reversed they would've lost their shit, so there's definitely a double standard that people aren't even cognizant of.

To be honest, I don't think sexual harassment against men is equally severe as that against women due to the size difference (prove me wrong if you can) but it is more just the lack of respect.

I don't know what you should do exactly in your situation but it sounds like the harassment needs to come down, because that is what it is. Are the other guys in the group aware?

[Jannes]

Its not the first time I heard it and I also experienced it myself to a certain degree.

Its usually a big revelation because it is so against what traditional gender roles taught us. And often its this confusion thing of "well I kind of need to take that chance because its the manly thing to do but it kinda feels bad wtf".

 

Key points:

- Women can be super unhinged. (just like men)

- Some guys dont get it and say its a coping fantasy.

- What I heard sometimes: Some women can be indrecibly toxic when they dont get what they want because sexual rejection hurts their ego more then mens and they want to save their social status.

Edited April 16 by Jannes

[Consept]

8 hours ago, Basman said:

I've been sexually harassed once while taking a shower by another man and the people of my group, who where mostly girls, just laughed it off. You know if the genders where reversed they would've lost their shit, so there's definitely a double standard that people aren't even cognizant of.

That actually sounds horrible, sorry to hear that bro. It is weird though how the reactions to similar incidents are polar opposites based on gender, if you're a man it's laughed off if you're a woman it's taken extremely seriously with potentially a legal element. 

8 hours ago, Basman said:

To be honest, I don't think sexual harassment against men is equally severe as that against women due to the size difference (prove me wrong if you can) but it is more just the lack of respect.

Yeah there's not a danger element for men, which could make it more severe, at no point in this situation did I feel fear for my safety I only felt disrespected as you say. However I think the typical situation for women is one of disrespect and sexual objectification, it's only really an extreme situation where a man will actually use his physicality. It's less likely to happen in the workplace for example (although of course it can happen). I think my situation happens to women regularly where there's also not really a fear element. 

8 hours ago, Basman said:

I don't know what you should do exactly in your situation but it sounds like the harassment needs to come down, because that is what it is. Are the other guys in the group aware?

You know what there's this other dynamic of 'am I being a buzz kill?', I think I'm just setting up my boundaries but I get the feeling they would feel like that. Thing is I've been in situations where a guy has made similar sexual jokes at a girl in front of girls and I didn't like it then, if its a girl I'm seeing forget it, you can't say that shit in front of me. With this situation I think the girl I'm seeing did kinda encourage it or at least not see anything wrong with it, I can give her a bit of leeway because I wasn't seeing her for quite a while and we didn't interact that much, but I think she shouldve called it out when she got to know me at least. Now she's saying she'll talk to the owner but there is an underlying thing of 'you know people take things differently, I don't think they meant anything by it really, but I get you feel like that'. Which I appreciate her saying something but not sure how I feel about her feelings on it. 

The whole thing is just super immature, it's maybe something I would've done as a teenager, but the owner is like 40 something. 

The other guys don't know as far as I'm aware, their reaction might be the whole, 'lucky guy they're talking about you' type shit. But I dunno its just annoying cos I do try and be respectful of people so to get this disrespect does piss me off. Worst case I would tell her myself, I'm definitely not worried about doing that 

 

[Sandhu]

LoL. I'd have taken advantage of such situation but then maybe you're not sex deprived. 

[Consept]

48 minutes ago, Sandhu said:

LoL. I'd have taken advantage of such situation but then maybe you're not sex deprived. 

Would you have sex with a butch lesbien you weren't attracted to?

[Majed]

@Consept How were they lesbians if they were sexualizing you ? 

[LastThursday]

Being objectified is never great, you're right to be upset by it. 

It's a case of group gossip. In my experience whenever a group of people who know each other well get together, there's a tendency to misbehave even if there's no malicious intent behind it. Usually they know "it's wrong", but because it's kept in the group they don't perceive any harm to be done. In this case it leaked however and I bet some people in the group are embarrassed by it.  The leak might be enough for them to stop doing it.

There's something about being in an intimate group that allows you to relax your normal social standards as a form of bonding or fitting in, and some of the more risque behaviour is driven by just one or two in the group with everyone else tagging along or at least not calling out the bad behaviour.