I Am In Shock

[nightrider1435]

I have experienced dramatic changes in my awareness in the past couple months. I had a rude but much needed awakening to the reality of my life and it completely caught my ego off guard. I am a 21 year old male, and it seems like what would had been years of maturing took place in just a couple months. I wasn't aware of how immature I would get, to much lashing out in the lower self, to much rage, to much hate, to much neglect of life responsibilities and to myself. I wasn't aware of the extent of how much suffering I was carrying within me, it was that subtle. In addition to that, I was turning to weed to escape it all, I let weed control me, it became my crutch. I was digging myself a hole and it was only getting deeper, it was starting to scare me on how many fucks I didn't give. I've been viewing life through a thick neurotic weed fog consumed in my lower self for way to long. During all these years its like there was a voice way in the back of my mind, behind the thick cloud, saying you know your better than this.. and I was just choosing to keep running. That voice must had been loud enough because it kept me away from harder drugs... and believe me I was tempted.

So right now my awareness is seeing the dark side within my ego, and I can sense my paradigm wanting to shift. My ego is putting up a fight though, its literally clinging on wanting to stay miserable. Throughout the day I'll get sucked into negative thinking, doubting my self and my actions, but then my awareness can see behind it. When I say I'm shocked I really mean I'm fucking shocked, this was such a dramatic change in my view of reality, I have been walking around the past couple weeks just in a daze. My ego is trying to play this off, but it's like no... we can't pretend nothing is going on here. I'm also trying to play off being scared, and again I can't ignore this anymore, this is so deep and real now. Psychedelics and MDMA mixed in with a year of daily mediation changed my world view completely, this almost feels like handing a three year old a loaded gun with the safety off and saying well... I hope nothing goes wrong.

I have been trying to stay mindful 24/7 now, it is a huge priority. Whenever my mind wanders it tends to wander off into negative thoughts, worries, doubt, and I'm so sensitive to all of that now. When my ego isn't focused on that I feel great but when it does its hell. I try to focus on my breathe, or when the mind starts to wander I label whatever it focuses on like see, feel, hear, etc, and just keep on doing that. But the ego can still get me engaged in this stuff, and whenever I snap out of it its like holy shit. I don't want to keep re suppressing all this stuff in my subconscious that my mediation brings out, I'm realizing that's a big no.

I know I need to start taking action instead of just sitting on my ass mediating, it seems like real work can begin now. My intuition is starting to nudge me in the right direction. The universe is pretty much showing me what videos of Leo that I need to watch again and start putting in work. The focus now is pointed towards positive affirmations and visualizations. I'm pretty confident I'm on the right track, I just wanted to put this out here because this forum makes me feel more comfortable and I like to see what people have to say. 

 

 

[Visitor]

@nightrider1435 Good on you.  Keep going, one day at a time. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. Just make sure you take more steps forward than backwards.

If you were to change over night you might die from shock, or think that someone gave you a brain transplant. It takes as long as it takes. Accepting one's truth is a bitter pill for the ego. As long as you are going against the ego grain, you will shape up nicely.

[nightrider1435]

@Visitor I'm slowly feeling better the longer I stay aware of fear and shock, I just locate where I'm feeling it in my body and stare at it basically, learning how to accept. I'm slowly becoming ok with it, each day seems to get better. 

After typing that out I realized I approached spirituality with the wrong intention, I was trying to use it as my new escape. The whole big picture here is damn important, I'm starting to see it. I focused only on increasing awareness and neglected everything else. You don't know until you know but now I know, live and learn. I got the level of awareness I wanted but it's like my whole life has to catch up to it. It's like the universe was saying so you want crazy mindfulness huh? Are you sure...? Ok here it is.. now go!