I Am Transgender

[Clarence]

I've been feeling the need to express this part of myself to the forum for a while now. That is: I am transgender.

Over the last three years, I underwent a transition from female to male.

I transitioned physically, then legally, then socially. I was two years into my physical transition before I chose my name and changed pronouns. I made everything official before making it social, which isn't the usual process. But I'm not a usual person.

Deciding on my name and on the transition itself were the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life.

It was a very difficult process, as my gender identity never felt crystal clear. I've never felt female, but I've never felt fully male either. All I knew, since I was a 6-year-old child, was that being born in a masculine body would have been right for me, and that being in a female body was not.

I wanted a male-born body, but no amount of transition could ever give me that. So it proved incredibly difficult for me to accept something I never wanted to be: a transgender person.

I didn't feel at peace with the idea of living for the rest of my life as a woman, but I also didn't feel at peace with the idea of being transgender.

In all honesty, I hated it, wholeheartedly. And with so much immaturity and hatred in this world around the trans issue, reaching acceptance and peace with it, especially when one is directly involved, is made even harder.

But I reached a point where I couldn't continue to live as a woman. It was too incongruent to who I truly was. My body was a stranger to me. I couldn't hear myself speak with this feminine voice I had, I didn't recognize my face in the mirror, and I couldn't stand the shadow of my chest that never fully disappeared, despite all the uncomfortable binding.

The disconnection between my mind and my body only grew stronger as the years went by. The last years before trantitioning were some of the hardest of my life, as I became desperate to appear as the person I wanted to be, all the while knowing that I never truly could without surgery, hormonal therapy, and significant legal changes.

Still, I was afraid of making the wrong decision. What if living as a woman was still a better option, not to have to deal with an awkward social transition and the reality of a body that could never be cisgender?

Starting hormonal therapy was difficult, going through surgery was difficult, changing my name and pronouns was difficult. Yet, I highly needed each change. Each of them helped me begin to reconnect with myself, slowly rebuilding the bridge between my mind and my body, leading me towards deeper peace in my own incarnation.

It is important for me to share this, as I want to be seen for who I truly am. I am very different from the majority of men for this very serious reason: I grew up and lived as a woman for 27 years, even though I never felt like one. This is fundamental to who I am today. This part of my identity will always be within me and deeply shapes my psyche.

I now feel fully at peace with my new name, my new pronouns, and my new body. I know now that it was the right decision. I needed it to be myself. I needed the appearance of a male to feel at home in my body.

But I will never feel like a cisgender man, just as I could never have felt like a cisgender woman. Agender is the word that truly matches my inner feelings, despite my strong preference for a male presentation.

• It's been exactly one year today since my gender and name officially changed, on April 15, 2024.
• This forum was my first ever social experience using a male identity, back in late 2023.
• Clarence was supposed to be my official name, but it didn’t pass the test in French.
• I finally found another name that I love and that fits my personality just as perfectly. It required over five years for me to find it.
• I'm relieved to be where I am today. It was a very tough process and I'm glad it is over. I'm finally free to be myself.

Thank you to all who took the time to read, and thank you to @Leo Gura for creating and sustaining this place. This forum has been — and continues to be — very important to my own journey.

I'll leave you with three pictures of me: one from my childhood, one from my teenage years, and one as the adult I now am. For images can express even deeper layers of truth.

[Yimpa]

[Clarence]

@Yimpa Lol 

[meta_male]

@Clarence This was absolutely fascinating to read. Some of what you said kinda challenged the way I usually think about identity, in a good way. Respect man.

[Ulax]

❤️

[Beans]

Congratulations friend ❤️🫂‼️ 

I’m also trans 

I’m nonbinary, but I do enjoy being both genders, but also not being defined as gender. 
im so happy for you and your journey. Wishing you the absolute best.  Take care! 

[Daniel Balan]

Nice! 

[shree]

@Clarence you're incredibly brave. Your strength and honesty are deeply inspiring.

Kudos to you!

[Clarence]

8 minutes ago, meta_male said:

@Clarence This was absolutely fascinating to read. Some of what you said kinda challenged the way I usually think about identity, in a good way. Respect man.

Thank you for expressing that!

[Emerald]

Thank you for sharing your story. 

[Clarence]

@Ulax @Beans @Daniel Balan @shree @Emerald Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your kind words.

Edited 16 hours ago by Clarence

[ExploringReality]

You are loved, I'm sending you good ass energy. Thank you for sharing yourself, keep your head up high. 

[integration journey]

Thanks for sharing. 

[Adrian colby]

@Clarence I’m also this so called transgender thing but I don’t  identify as such. I’m one of the old ones from way back in the 1990’s. ( I do have a bit of DSD in that I had gonadal dysgenesis)

the work that has been done both surgically and psychologically means I fully identify as a male. I don’t conform to the regular stereotypes but no one knows about my condition except my wife but she has never known me or seen me as anything other than a man nor has anyone else. 
transgenderism and its issues are not a part of my life and haven’t been for decades. None of it exists because it’s not a thought in my mind. The practicalities and day to day living don’t have any issues other than if I were to create them by telling people I was something distinctly different for everyone else which I’m clearly not by demonstration. 

i went by an unambiguous name that served as an acronym for the name that became legal and this was all done as soon as the legislation was passed here in 2014 followed shortly by my marriage to my wife. ( that’s not the name on my profile and I don’t expose myself for my and my families safety. 
 

I went through a full rejection of anything sexual, anything female and it was toxic enough to tip me over into a dislike of women. 
 

fast forward through a few awakenings and the mother of all of them, union with source. I’ve reintegrated the feminine and balanced both. 
 

I contain factors of both male and female biology but the genetic mutations and neurology are male. It’s just a body and a character now that my higher mind experiences through and it is loved for what it is, the lessons it provides and the challenges. 
 

the earlier days were not only absolute hell wandering through a world where no one knew or could even see me but it was constant battles with platos cave and the mind trap. Once I had sorted the condition out and aligned myself to the best of medical techs ability, I was still not satisfied with the world and kept going by deconstructing the identity and ultimately dissolving reality as well. 
 

the condition is no longer an issue and life has been let back in to do its thing. The deep healing has occured and now this one holds space for those embarking on tackling their trauma. Emotional and deconstructive work for initiates and more advanced spiritual guidance for those open and actively in the process of seeking infinity. 
 

nothing but the deepest gratitude for the lessons of this character and the adversity that has pushed it to grow.

 

and I’ll always be deeply grateful for those like yourself who have travelled in parallel and been brave enough to share the story. It important to let the others know they are not alone. At least until they are ready to face their own infinity 😉

[Aaron p]

I couldn't imagine changing to a female lol. I'm raised in hard stage blue indoctrination so it's still quite an alien idea. What does it feel like?

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Please accept my gratitude for your vulnerability & passion!

This took immense courage, well received

Consider this me swinging an e-frisbee of positive energy right back at you !

[Yimpa]

4 hours ago, Aaron p said:

I couldn't imagine changing to a female lol. I'm raised in hard stage blue indoctrination so it's still quite an alien idea. What does it feel like?

Like turning water into wine.

[Applegarden8]

Respect for coming out. It's hard to be vulnerable and somebody will always nag.

[Salvijus]

When I play video games I often select female characters to play with. Or all kinds of weird non human characters. Does it really matter? It's just a costume in the end. 

[AION]

56 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

When I play video games I often select female characters to play with. Or all kinds of weird non human characters. Does it really matter? It's just a costume in the end. 

I like to play with female characters because I like looking at it. I wouldn't make everything an identity thing. It is just fun and life is short. It is all ok that people play with gender roles as long as they don't push their ideology on others.

Edited 3 hours ago by AION