I Am Transgender

[Clarence]

10 hours ago, blackchair said:

@ClarenceTHE most important question of your life, more important then soul or God or life purpose......are you getting bald? 

Actually, I am: my hairline's receding.
It's the unknown I'm heading toward… that's scary 

On the contrary, I've gained hair on my chest and stomach. That's more masculine, but so unnecessary. My head's way more important 

Edited April 19 by Clarence

[martins name]

On 4/17/2025 at 11:20 PM, Clarence said:

Not much has changed for me, actually. The most striking differences I have noticed so far are that:

- I'm always served last when I'm with women in a restaurant, whereas it was random before. It is weird to me, because I am the exact same person

- Strangers always assume I am with my girlfriend when I am out with a female friend, which is something I have a hard time getting used to. I'd rather have them assume we are just friends, as it feels a bit awkward for me. I've met my friends long before transitioning.

- All of a sudden, I felt like I expressly had to open the door for women and my female friends, and let them go ahead of me in various situations. I used to do it out of politeness, or simply go first if that was how things flowed — but now I feel like I have to let them go, because that's what's expected from men. I like to do things because I want to, and I naturally care for others, but now I feel the pressure of society every time I open a door in a social setting.

- Quite a different story, but it happened to me once that a man, who was a total stranger, used gross sexual or vulgar language in my presence — he was actually talking to me (but not about me). I can't remember what he said, but I was shocked, especially since it happened at the beginning of my transition. I'm confident he wouldn't have said whatever he said if I had been a girl. However, this was a one-time experience.

- I've also noticed that it's now uncomfortable for me to talk to girls my age who are strangers. It used to feel normal, but now I'm concerned about what they'll think my intentions are. It's unsettling.

- The atmosphere is nicer and more relaxed in the female bathrooms.

Other than that, it's quite the same for me, but I'm still in the process of getting used to my new identity. A part of me still tends to think that people will assume I went through a transition, even though they totally can't.

Male and female genders, and gender roles, are still difficult for me to deeply understand. I've technically experienced both, but I’ve never had a typical male or female psyche, so my perspective remains external, like studying the opposite gender — for both.

I have a very hard time to understand how people can feel like a man or a woman, as this isn't part of my reality.

Thank you so much for sharing that's interesting. I feel like a male because I identify with the masculine while the femenine feels like something external. When I try to connect with the femenine ideal an old wise, loving and nurturing woman comes to me. When I envision the masculine ideal I see the ideal version of myself, not someone else.

What do you see when you look for the masculine or femenine ideals?

[Clarence]

On 21/04/2025 at 4:46 PM, martins name said:

Thank you so much for sharing that's interesting. I feel like a male because I identify with the masculine while the femenine feels like something external. When I try to connect with the femenine ideal an old wise, loving and nurturing woman comes to me. When I envision the masculine ideal I see the ideal version of myself, not someone else.

What do you see when you look for the masculine or femenine ideals?

You're welcome.

What you're sharing is very interesting as well.

But I'm not sure whether I have a masculine or a feminine ideal. I actually don't fully understand how to ask myself that question.

In either case, I think my ideal would be the expression of higher consciousness and intelligence, regardless of gender.

It's very hard for me to envision an ideal man or woman, quite truly. But if I had to, I'd intuitively think of Emma Watson as an ideal feminine figure. As for a man, I might not have one. Though, perhaps it could be my father, the masculine figure I never knew. I was 13 when he passed and 2 when my parents separated. So, in a way, he’s an ideal for me, as I never had a conversation with him as an adult and my memories of him as a child are pretty much all forgotten. Since I don’t really know who he was, he can be my ideal for a man.

As for a person without a dominant gender, I could also be my own ideal, or rather, the mental image of my most evolved, conscious, self. I've always kept Nietsche's following quote in mind since I learned it at university: Become who you are. It carries a lot of depth.

All I had ever heard until then, from people around me, was Be yourself. But that assumes you already know who you are and can express it immediately. But that's not true. It's a long and ongoing process to discover oneself and to embody it, even more so when it comes to becoming the ideal, most conscious and authentic version of oneself.

[martins name]

@Clarence Sexuality is a great window into masculinity and femininity. What are you attracted to? 
 

5 hours ago, Clarence said:

But I'm not sure whether I have a masculine or a feminine ideal. I actually don't fully understand how to ask myself that question.

Let's clarify this question. An ideal is an amalgamation of all the greatest feminine or masculine qualities in one person, so it's usually not a particular person. Do you have a conception of a masculine and a feminine person? If so, do you have a conception of degrees of virtue and health for them? If so the highest virtue and health is the ideal.

The feminine ideal for me is unconditionally loving in a nurturing way. She seeks to heal through empathy, intimacy and bonding. She has deep feeling-based wisdom. She respects the masculine prescription of logic but doesn't see it as very important for her own purpose. She always keeps telling me not to underestimate love. You'd think I'd have learned that lesson after years of reminders lol.

My masculine ideal is primarily a strategist who's main purpose is to make good decisions for the benefit of all being using cutting logic and wisdom. He is unconditionally loving but isn't nurturing, rather, he seeks to help others by empowering them to help themselves. This is done primarily by teaching wisdom. He is a warrior with great precision if he has to be, but when it's not needed, he is joyful and playful.

[Yimpa]

Here is a side of the trans experience that nobody wants to look at. I've kept this a secret for far too long.

I am sharing this openly, as this is a key aspect of the transformation journey.

 

[Clarence]

@Yimpa Yes, being trans is really hard. There are many ordeals we go through. I hope you've healed from this specific trauma. It might require more time, but suffering is what pushes us the most towards healing and transformation — as you also seem conscious of.

Facing all those challenges and traumatic events is a part of being trans, with the aspiration of reaching a place of deeper acceptance and self-love. That is all I wish for you.

If you faced abuse before your transition, it makes everything harder. This requires more specific healing, so it no longer holds you back or reignites pain. I also have trauma to work through, so I understand how difficult it can be.

You are brave for sharing this.

[Clarence]

23 hours ago, martins name said:

Let's clarify this question. An ideal is an amalgamation of all the greatest feminine or masculine qualities in one person, so it's usually not a particular person. Do you have a conception of a masculine and a feminine person? If so, do you have a conception of degrees of virtue and health for them? If so the highest virtue and health is the ideal.

The feminine ideal for me is unconditionally loving in a nurturing way. She seeks to heal through empathy, intimacy and bonding. She has deep feeling-based wisdom. She respects the masculine prescription of logic but doesn't see it as very important for her own purpose. She always keeps telling me not to underestimate love. You'd think I'd have learned that lesson after years of reminders lol.

My masculine ideal is primarily a strategist who's main purpose is to make good decisions for the benefit of all being using cutting logic and wisdom. He is unconditionally loving but isn't nurturing, rather, he seeks to help others by empowering them to help themselves. This is done primarily by teaching wisdom. He is a warrior with great precision if he has to be, but when it's not needed, he is joyful and playful.

I understand that the ideal is not necessarily one specific person. I pointed to one for each gender to offer a mental image of what it could look like or mean for me, just as you did when you mentioned an old, wise, loving, and nurturing woman for the feminine, and the ideal version of yourself for the masculine. I used the same parallel.

I honestly couldn't give you a description of my own ideals right now. It would take a lot of time to articulate, and it would require a very deep understanding of the psychology, roles, and dynamics of both genders, which I currently don't have. So, I can't give you a satisfying answer at this point.

23 hours ago, martins name said:

@Clarence Sexuality is a great window into masculinity and femininity. What are you attracted to? 

Attraction is not standard for me, but I'm mostly attracted to men. Same sex relationships feel more natural for me, and sexually, I'm only attracted to male bodies.

But I get along with and understand the female mind very well, so I’m somewhat attracted to females as well. The only thing is that the sexual aspect would be more challenging, as I don't feel a genuine attraction to the female body, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a relationship with a heterosexual dynamic.

So, to keep things simple, I've only been dating men.

What about you?

[Yimpa]

@Clarence much appreciated 

[martins name]

@Clarence I'm only attracted to women. I'm a switch, so I both like dominating and being dominated. I like being dominated by girls with dicks and strapons in my fantasy. I'm a virgin, so maybe I'm more vanilla irl. I'm only attracted to female bodies, but like both feminine and masculine energy. I think this gives me insight into the nature of femininity and masculinity.

Are you attracted to power dynamics? If so, do you have a preference for who is in power?

I wish I could be trans for a day so I could understand it.

[Clarence]

17 hours ago, martins name said:

@Clarence I'm only attracted to women. I'm a switch, so I both like dominating and being dominated. I like being dominated by girls with dicks and strapons in my fantasy. I'm a virgin, so maybe I'm more vanilla irl. I'm only attracted to female bodies, but like both feminine and masculine energy. I think this gives me insight into the nature of femininity and masculinity.

Are you attracted to power dynamics? If so, do you have a preference for who is in power?

I'm not into that. I desire a relationship where the dynamic is as equal as possible (intellectually, spiritually, and sexually). I feel too much frustration when there is a significant gap.

From my experience in dating, I've found that this is what I need and desire most.

17 hours ago, martins name said:

I wish I could be trans for a day so I could understand it.

You can simply picture yourself, as the man you are, in a female body. The pain and discomfort that arise is what it feels like to be trans.

It’s not about picturing yourself wanting to be a girl, but about picturing yourself in a girl’s body while still being yourself — a man. You’d just want to be back to normal. That’s why trans people desire to transition so badly.