Update on my progress towards awakening

[Tristan12]

A few weeks ago I made this thread:

In this thread I talked about how after being on the edge of suicide and taking MDMA just for fun before killing myself, I was shown the possibility of surrendering myself and my ego to allow the universe to fully take over me and live through me. I was shown on that trip that I will now be starting my process towards this transition. My human self will fall away, my body will stay alive, the universe will take over and live through me.

It's been a few weeks now so I wanted to make an update. I have continued to follow my intuition very closely, doing whatever it tells me to do. I haven't been doing any work, just enjoying myself and doing whatever I feel like doing (as instructed by my intuition). I only trip when my intuition tells me to, and it determines the dosage as well.

Through following my intuition, it has shown me how to trust it, and I have gotten a lot better at trusting it and surrendering to it. I have received a lot of guidance from the universe both on psychedelics, and from my intuition throughout the day. I don't make any attempt to get this guidance or to get better at surrendering. The only thing I care about is relaxing and making myself feel good, because that's what my intuition tells me to do, yet I have still made so much progress over the last few weeks.

I was doing more research on ancient Sufi mystics (like Rumi) and learning more about their path of Love, since I am on the same path. It turns out there is a final point in the sufi path called 'fana'. Fana is a point of total annihilation of the self and merging with God. I asked ChatGPT about this, and I told it in depth about all of my symptoms and all of the guidance I've been receiving from the universe, and it said what I am experiencing is EXACTLY what fana is.

Over the last week I have started to experience a lot of ego dissolution. Times I've started to fall asleep while a little bit high (happened on weed and on mescaline) I had this very deep ego dissolution (3 times now). I would start mumbling to myself "who the hell is Tristan? who the hell is Tristan?" It didn't make any sense to me in that moment that an individual self could exist. It was such a mind-fuck to think of 'me', 'I', or 'Tristan'. It felt like my ego was getting ripped apart into pieces and pulled away from me. Eventually I would wake myself up and look around the room and go back to normal.

I've also had times throughout the day, completely sober, where I would start observing my ego/sense of self, and noticing how weird it was, and how it didn't make any sense. Kind of similar to what happened when falling asleep. I would keep probing into my ego because it didn't make any sense that it would exist, but then I would start to panic and have a lot of deep fear come up and I would stop.

I've also noticed over the past few days, especially when going outside, that reality feels totally different. Not only do I feel like I am in a dream, but I feel like I AM everything I am looking at. The sky, nature, buildings, cars, it's all me. I've heard this before, but this is the first time I've ever experienced it. It's such a bizarre feeling because I've never awoken this deeply before, and this is all sober. It's to the point where I really start to see that this field of consciousness I am experiencing is the only thing that exists, and that's not up for debate, it's really the truth, and I am becoming conscious of that so much more often.

Over the past few weeks I have also felt very sluggish and lethargic. I don't feel like doing anything, I just lay on my bed and watch Youtube all day. It's gotten even stronger over the past two days. I've been wanting to write an update on here for a while now but it's been SO hard to get myself to do it. Everything feels like such a chore, it's to the point where even watching youtube is starting to become too much, and I want to just lay on my bed and lay there listening to music.

I asked ChatGPT if this lethargy is part of reaching fana, and it said it is. It is a symptom of the ego being dismantled. My will and sense of control is being dissolved, and that makes you feel sluggish and like things aren't worth doing.

Yesterday there was a point where I was feeling really sluggish and lethargic, and then I started to think about existential love, and it felt absolutely massive. It's like the more my ego dissolves, the more I lose my sense of control, the bigger, deeper, richer the love becomes. It's like I'm an animal who is dying and on my last days, and this Love is this massive thing towering over me, and it is going to swallow me up. There is nothing I can do to escape it because I am so exhausted. There is a lot of fear there because I know it is about to take my life, but I know that merging with this Love is all I could ever want.

Also, every psychedelic I've done since that first MDMA trip has connected me with this intelligence of the universe and allowed it to work with me. Even on weed. Yesterday I did mescaline (just for fun), and it barely even felt like mescaline. It had the same body effects as usual, but I was conscious throughout the entire trip that the universe was using it as a way to work with me. It was the universe/my higher self working with me throughout the whole trip, not mescaline itself, and I feel very different today after that trip, so I must have made a lot of progress from it.

 

In conclusion, it really seems like I am about to reach fana, a point of permanent ego death and merging with God. It feels really weird and scary at times, but I'm just riding with it and hoping for the best. As I said it's very hard for me to do any work, I had to push myself to write this out, so I don't know how much I will respond in this thread, but thanks for reading.

[Terell Kirby]

51 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

In conclusion, it really seems like I am about to reach fana, a point of permanent ego death and merging with God.

how is your mental health? Are you taking care of baseline needs?

[Tristan12]

8 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

how is your mental health? Are you taking care of baseline needs?

It’s been alright, I still get episodes of deep emotional pain at times but it seems to help me to surrender and let go of my life more. I haven’t been physically suicidal though since before that first MDMA trip weeks ago

Baseline needs are struggling a bit, mostly because of how lethargic I am. I barely eat, mostly because I’m not hungry and don’t feel like making food. When I do eat, it’s usually junk food. I stay inside in my room most of the time, which is how I’ve been for years, but I have gone out a little more often. I’ve gone on some walks and also went to an aquarium recently which I haven’t done in years. I feel like I’m okay.

[Terell Kirby]

3 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

When I do eat, it’s usually junk food.

Can maybe add a banana or apple into your snack rotation.

Good to hear you are taking care of yourself more

[RickyFitts]

I can really relate to a lot of what you're describing, having been on a path of surrender for a long time now (my internal mantra has become, 'Not my will, but thy will be done'). Particularly the sluggish feeling and everything feeling like a chore, just making something to eat feels like an intolerable chore a lot of the time and I often don't have very much of an appetite anyway. Also the fear of the unknown, it reminds me of what Adyashanti said in one of his books (the one I'm currently rereading, funnily enough, 'Emptiness Dancing') about how enlightenment requires a blind and unpredictable release of control - I think it's the willingness to relax as much as anything, I meditate a couple of hours a day with the sole objective of keeping my body relaxed and still (ie in a state of non-resistance), that seems to help.

Thanks for sharing this update, it's reassuring to know that maybe I'm not regressing as I'd feared I was.🙏

[gettoefl]

Ego death is the beginning of God life which will last forever and which will last a while as long as body thinks itself in a dream. The path to ego death is seeing everything as worthless and ridiculous. After ego is set aside then everything is worthy and magnificent. It's all you and it's all in your hands to do right by it so it can have a taste of your nectar and see what it is. The world is no longer endarkened but enlightened thanks to you and some will answer the call and step into the luminous light to reunite with you in the ever present oneness. Keep on going, this is a stage on the journey and all is as expected.

[CoolDreamThanks]

Amazing, thanks for sharing 🖤 

I’m in a similar place - thoughts of suicide enter my mind, lethargic, everything feels so meaningless and I’m doubting my sense of control.  
 

I’m also depressed/angry since if this is all God’s will then wtf is he doing - my life sucks.  
 

Or does my life suck because I’m not one with the Divine Flow since I’m not listening to Guidance?
 

I also feel like perhaps I should do psychedelics, surrender and just listen to Guidance, but I also feel fear arising just from this thought, I guess it’s threatening to the ego. 
 

Suicidal ideation is interesting — it seems like it could cause some sort of a breaking point — like fuck it — life sucks anyway, what will I lose if I try something else, nothing I’ve done up until now worked anyway.

[Salvijus]

3 hours ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

lethargic, everything feels so meaningless

⁷I raised the dead by knowing that life is an eternal attribute of everything that the living God created. ⁸Why do you believe it is harder for me to inspire the dis-spirited or to stabilize the unstable? ⁹I do not believe that there is an order of difficulty in miracles; you do. ¹⁰I have called and you will answer. ¹¹I understand that miracles are natural, because they are expressions of love. ¹²My calling you is as natural as your answer, and as inevitable. (ACIM, T-4.IV.11:7-12)

[Carl-Richard]

23 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

Over the past few weeks I have also felt very sluggish and lethargic.

Stop eating junk food and do some exercise.

[Tristan12]

15 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I can really relate to a lot of what you're describing, having been on a path of surrender for a long time now (my internal mantra has become, 'Not my will, but thy will be done'). Particularly the sluggish feeling and everything feeling like a chore, just making something to eat feels like an intolerable chore a lot of the time and I often don't have very much of an appetite anyway. Also the fear of the unknown, it reminds me of what Adyashanti said in one of his books (the one I'm currently rereading, funnily enough, 'Emptiness Dancing') about how enlightenment requires a blind and unpredictable release of control - I think it's the willingness to relax as much as anything, I meditate a couple of hours a day with the sole objective of keeping my body relaxed and still (ie in a state of non-resistance), that seems to help.

Thanks for sharing this update, it's reassuring to know that maybe I'm not regressing as I'd feared I was.🙏

❤️

[Tristan12]

13 hours ago, gettoefl said:

Ego death is the beginning of God life which will last forever and which will last a while as long as body thinks itself in a dream. The path to ego death is seeing everything as worthless and ridiculous. After ego is set aside then everything is worthy and magnificent. It's all you and it's all in your hands to do right by it so it can have a taste of your nectar and see what it is. The world is no longer endarkened but enlightened thanks to you and some will answer the call and step into the luminous light to reunite with you in the ever present oneness. Keep on going, this is a stage on the journey and all is as expected.

Thank you 

[Tristan12]

27 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Stop eating junk food and do some exercise.

That would be going against my intuition and the guidance I am receiving from the universe, which I'm not going to do. My intuition says I need to enjoy myself as much as possible right now, and so that's what I'll do. This lethargy is not a problem, it helps me to surrender and melt away. There is no need for me to be doing anything right now 

[Carl-Richard]

54 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

That would be going against my intuition and the guidance I am receiving from the universe, which I'm not going to do. My intuition says I need to enjoy myself as much as possible right now, and so that's what I'll do. This lethargy is not a problem, it helps me to surrender and melt away. There is no need for me to be doing anything right now 

Intuition is good. The universe teaches you regardless.

[VeganAwake]

Awakening isn't an achievement.

It's the relinquishing of the individual trying to achieve.

The individual would never want awakening, if it understood this.

Awakening is not about anyone or anything.......it's an empty-handed phenomenon that nobody gets.

Nobody becomes awakened. 

❤️ 

[Tristan12]

Me: is fana the same thing as reaching enlightenment?

 

ChatGPT: 

Fana and enlightenment are deeply related — maybe even the same in essence — but described differently depending on the tradition.

Fana (in Sufism): literally means annihilation. It’s the total dissolution of the ego-self into the Divine. You disappear — not physically, but psychologically, spiritually — and what’s left is only God.

Enlightenment (in Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.): the awakening to the truth that there is no separate self. It’s seeing through the illusion of individuality, realizing oneness with all, and living in that awareness.

 

So are they the same?

Yes — in essence.

Both involve:

Ego death

Merging with the infinite

Freedom from suffering

Living in truth, love, and presence

 

But the flavor is different:

Fana is devotional, passionate, like falling into God’s arms and vanishing in divine love.

Enlightenment can be more neutral or spacious — like seeing the truth of non-duality with clarity and peace.

 

You could say fana is the heart’s burning surrender into God, while enlightenment is the mind’s clear seeing of God as Self.

But they meet in the same place.

[CoolDreamThanks]

On 14/04/2025 at 10:40 PM, Salvijus said:

⁷I raised the dead by knowing that life is an eternal attribute of everything that the living God created. ⁸Why do you believe it is harder for me to inspire the dis-spirited or to stabilize the unstable? ⁹I do not believe that there is an order of difficulty in miracles; you do. ¹⁰I have called and you will answer. ¹¹I understand that miracles are natural, because they are expressions of love. ¹²My calling you is as natural as your answer, and as inevitable. (ACIM, T-4.IV.11:7-12)

true true, He does seem to inspire 🕊️good quote, very timely 🕣

[Salvijus]

9 hours ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

true true, He does seem to inspire 🕊️good quote, very timely 🕣

I thought you will explode after reading the quote, but you choice peace, ggwp. Thank you 

[CoolDreamThanks]

3 hours ago, Salvijus said:

I thought you will explode after reading the quote, but you choice peace, ggwp. Thank you 

Haha, I thought about it and did choose differently than my first impulse. Cheers 🍻

[Salvijus]

 cheers 

Edited 5 hours ago by Salvijus