Peæking into Absolute I AM

[LambdaDelta]

It was the grandest party one could ever hold, with vibrant colors dancing around, shapes morphing delightfully, divine music reverberating throughout, and pleasant aromas lingering in the air. The birth of the Universe, a true celebration of Being.

But the real gold came afterwards. As a mystic you have to love not just attending the festivities, but also cleaning up. There was silence, and in that silence Truth revealed itself, like Yahweh to Moses. 'To be' is the only verb that does not require duality, I AM is the bedrock beyond which you cannot go, try as you might. 
The intensity has left me bedridden for a day and severely debilitated for another few.

First, a few words about Will. The Will of God is for all its parts to be sovereign unto themselves. The Will is completely surrendered to that end. God is entirely selfless because it is every self. Want to know God's Will? Look around and look at yourself. Together with Truth and Love it forms the Holy Trinity. Nothing can ever go against God's Will, doing so would be impeding God's self-expression. Will is so absolute that God itself can't alter it, even if it breaks God's heart sometimes. 
It's a Love so complete that even though it accepts itself fully, there are parts that do not, there's hate and there's desire for things to happen differently, aka bias, but the larger Love includes all that. God is such a being that by virtue of existing it casts this shadow upon itself. In a Newtonian sort of way it creates an opposite reaction to itself, some might call that the Devil. Hence nihilism, suicide, suffering. Still, a call for true Goodness is within everything, just that if you don't recognize it you'll be like a compass that doesn't understand why it's pointing north. Can't spell compassion without compass by the way.

Another implication is that relative things are also absolutes. Violence is an absolute, because it Is. To ask God for there to not be violence is to ask God to not be itself. Absolute Bad is not a thing, there's only Absolute Good, existence itself. Absolute Bad would be the absence of anything; no God, not even the possibility for there to be good or bad or an experience for you to judge things as such.

How come nothing in the world changed even though I went through the creation of the Universe? Because it wasn't a new event per se, I simply became conscious of what already Is. Consciousness has a bottomless capacity for self-obfuscation, that's really all that's happening here. How God inquires into and inscribes itself into Being is the mystery of mysteries. One could conceive of it as a very high level bureaucracy, where the inefficiencies are not flaws, they're tools to set the rhythm. 
With each awakening you're getting infinity, but only the part of Infinity that you can presently handle. The rest remains obscured. Your understanding may be infinite yet still partial. Think of it like zooming into a Mandelbrot set, frame by frame. You think you have the whole picture, and in a way you do, but you haven't yet put together that the frames are part of a larger thing. When you do, maybe you start perceiving it as a continuous video stream, but of limited duration, because perhaps the software you're playing it with can't display infinity, it only deals with unsigned integer values and then cuts off or loops.
This is in equal part a warning and inspiration. Know that there's ever greater depths, but don't overreach. Ignorance is God’s gift and God’s mercy. If you knew the fullness of what you are, you’d die on the spot. Be as grateful for what you're denied as for what you're given.
If you told me just a week ago such an experience was possible I wouldn't have believed it, despite a vast array of prior ones. As it turns out, not even intuition combined with experience can correctly grasp true Infinity.

How does one go deeper? Up to you, but if I may give a tip, learn to get very comfortable with paradox, in particular the identity of Multiplicity and Unity. This was an exploration of Multiplicity so full it looped around on itself into the Oneness of I AM, as it always beautifully does. Relative and provisional human knowledge is crucial. Study natural sciences, sociology, politics, programming, geography, mathematics, laws, psychology, languages, economics... if nothing else they'll be useful anyhow, but seeing God in all of it is what will enable the most intuitive understanding and unending passion. 
For instance, I've had brushes with dimensions where consciousness is cultivated and traded as liquid in vials, a property register of consciousness, an inverse of consciousness, something I call hole consciousness, and many more. It's topology of Consciousness. These are inaccessible with your regular nonduality or even God Realization. They're utterly alien, but counterintuitively reaching them has its roots in human knowledge. 

Know that frustrations, misunderstandings, periods where you seem lost and unable to get through to anyone are the laying of the foundation that will allow moving to the next level. I've gone through a rough few weeks that culminated in this, and I wouldn't have been able to take it without that. The slow erosion of ego prepares you for a smoother ego death. It may look like the effort isn't amounting to anything, but that is not the case. You are being observed. Think about that. Being is observing itself. God—you as a sovereign—is the only witness that matters.

I've also gained a new perspective on stage Blue values like law and order. In the legal system, the most sacred principle is public faith. Nihil prius fide. Without this common consensus, not much of anything could be achieved, people delegate their authority and put their trust in a certain institution, such as notariate. Similarly, in sworn testimonies, God is often invoked as the witness and guarantor of truth. It is also said in certain interpretations of law that silence is acceptance. Qui tacet consentire videtur. And so it is with God. God's silence is the acceptance of whatever is occurring. Reality is here, as it is willed. If it were not willed, it wouldn’t be. It's the supreme consent of Love.
There is Law to the workings of God, one that is currently beyond anyone's grasp. Models like Spiral Dynamics reflect certain aspects of God in their limited capacity. Beige survival. Red power. Blue law. Orange reason. Green love. Which is why you can't build your tower to heaven without a solid foundation of all those stages. If you're stuck, there's most likely a shadow of one or more stages, however faint, that blocks upward movement. God halts the process out of care, to prevent the collapse of the entire structure. 

Meditation is torture because you can't handle the silence, it becomes a mirror in which you start seeing all of yourself and that's terrifying. Or it's simply terribly boring. But once you know what that silence is, how it's a quiet gift from God, sustaining all of reality while asking for nothing in return, enabling you to think your silly thoughts and do your selfish deeds, you'll appreciate it. I can finally rest in peace in that silence.
Had to seriously consider for a time whether I should ever speak at all after this, because in a way anything I could say or do would just be a distraction that would diminish my consciousness of God. But alas my work is not done yet so I remain. However I now understand some of those sages that just go live out the rest of their days meditating in a cave. 

It's a life changing experience like no other, a milestone on the spiritual path that splits it into a before and after. These are few and far between. I've also had to rethink how I speak, the weight of the words I use, the consequences of my actions. Still figuring that out.

Whatever you do, stay aware that all roads lead to God, that is the ontological fact of I AM and the highest joy.

That is all.

[ExploringReality]

This genuinely made me drop to my knees while reading.

This is heavy stuff, I know gold when I see it, iknow coffee when I smell it! 🙏🏽👌🏽

[Yimpa]

4 minutes ago, LambdaDelta said:

The intensity has left me bedridden for a day and severely debilitated for another few.

*OM God Mode intensifies*

[emil1234]

incredibilly beautiful. how was these states / experiences induced?

Edited Sunday at 08:56 PM by emil1234

[Eskilon]

This is beauty.

1 hour ago, LambdaDelta said:

It's a life changing experience like no other, a milestone on the spiritual path that splits it into a before and after. These are few and far between. I've also had to rethink how I speak, the weight of the words I use, the consequences of my actions. Still figuring that out.

I would like to add a comment on the speaking ability itself. On my journeys, I had a profound realization on the beauty an intelligence of language. Every word, every syllable is impossible profound, really something divine. Every word in every language has incredible conscioussness in it, a refined intelligence in the way it is. Every conversation that you have with someone, has profound implications in reality, the words you speak affect reality, in incredible subtle ways. And like you say words and actions have weight, but this is really profound once you realize why it is so.

Edited Sunday at 09:32 PM by Eskilon

[Breakingthewall]

Reading this reminded me of a documentary I saw about Stalin. You saw the people of that time, and they really did seem stupid and crazy, acting without any sense, and the rise of a guy like Stalin, completely ruthless and very happy and proud of it.

And all that madness follows a path, bordering on chaos but reaching order, billions of beings acting and creating butterfly effects that affect the entire group, which advances unstoppably in one direction, like a programmed automaton, always with enormous energy.

[gettoefl]

Duality isn't God's will, it's human want. 

God isn't happy here in the slightest, which is just as well, cause he's not here nor ever could be.

This here is ego aping god for a few lifetimes.

Have at it and see for yourself how good it is.

One can snap out of the fantasy any time and get back to where one.really.is.

When you leave the house every day, you are deciding for or against God.

God is cool

and unmoved and

living and loving

to the max

all the while.

Edited Monday at 02:45 PM by gettoefl

[LambdaDelta]

On 4/6/2025 at 10:31 PM, ExploringReality said:

This genuinely made me drop to my knees while reading.

This is heavy stuff, I know gold when I see it, iknow coffee when I smell it! 🙏🏽👌🏽

❤️

 

On 4/6/2025 at 10:56 PM, emil1234 said:

incredibly beautiful. how was these states / experiences induced?

This in particular was 27mg 4-HO-MET + 110mg S-isomer Ketamine intramuscularly. But I specifically didn't post it as a trip report as I no longer want to give limiting ideas how certain states can or can't be reached, especially this sort of state I believe is more common through very intense meditation, prayer or whatever, many accounts of mystics having similar experiences. I'd noticed unitive states come much easier with meditation, while the crazy alien ones are hardly accessible w/o psychedelics. Depends on what one wants and needs. To me the whole thing is about exploring the whole diversity of Consciousness.

 

On 4/6/2025 at 11:29 PM, Eskilon said:

This is beauty.

I would like to add a comment on the speaking ability itself. On my journeys, I had a profound realization on the beauty an intelligence of language. Every word, every syllable is impossible profound, really something divine. Every word in every language has incredible consciousness in it, a refined intelligence in the way it is. Every conversation that you have with someone, has profound implications in reality, the words you speak affect reality, in incredible subtle ways. And like you say words and actions have weight, but this is really profound once you realize why it is so.

Ah, a fellow language connoisseur. I love them too. Language is a complex, subtle, and beautiful thing. I try to learn as many as I can, plus the etymology behind words. Beyond that, all symbolic representations of things are sublime, the conceptual overlays (maps, fantasy, etc.) are divinity and partly what make Infinity truly infinite through this endless generative process. Even though me and God no longer need any words to communicate at all, we still use them because it adds richness. 

 

On 4/6/2025 at 11:47 PM, Breakingthewall said:

Reading this reminded me of a documentary I saw about Stalin. You saw the people of that time, and they really did seem stupid and crazy, acting without any sense, and the rise of a guy like Stalin, completely ruthless and very happy and proud of it.

And all that madness follows a path, bordering on chaos but reaching order, billions of beings acting and creating butterfly effects that affect the entire group, which advances unstoppably in one direction, like a programmed automaton, always with enormous energy.

Quite the takeaway, haha. The Balance of God is indeed so, an eternal engine of division and reunification, a self-adjusting system, an infinite Indra's Net.

[Leo Gura]

@LambdaDelta Very good. Some serious consciousness.

[UnbornTao]

OK. And setting the storytelling aside, is there some real insight there? If so, what is it? 

Edited Wednesday at 09:05 AM by UnbornTao

[LambdaDelta]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@LambdaDelta Very good. Some serious consciousness.

Thanks! Working on it everyday.

By the way, somewhat off-topic, I plan to write an exhaustive guide to psychedelics since most people here are very ignorant, but it will inevitably contain some dangerous parts. Would that be fine to post with proper disclaimers and such? I'd like to know before spending hours on it.

 

5 hours ago, UnbornTao said:

OK. And setting the storytelling aside, is there some real insight there? If so, what is it? 

That's up to your interpretation, it may all be nonsense or contain great wisdom, both are valid. More than an experience report this was written as a description of what's possible in Consciousness. 

[Leo Gura]

2 minutes ago, LambdaDelta said:

By the way, somewhat off-topic, I plan to write an exhaustive guide to psychedelics since most people here are very ignorant, but it will inevitably contain some dangerous parts. Would that be fine to post with proper disclaimers and such? I'd like to know before spending hours on it.

That's fine, as long as you're not recommending something very dangerous.

If you're going to write about needle injection, I don't know about that. We tend to avoid that here.

[LambdaDelta]

9 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

That's fine, as long as you're not recommending something very dangerous.

If you're going to write about needle injection, I don't know about that. We tend to avoid that here.

That's a part of it. It's structured such that before mastering the prior parts one shouldn't even thinking about moving onto the next ones. I'll link to tons of resources nobody has ever heard of, teach some basic chemistry, differences between substance classes and their effects, proper storage techniques, testing, equipment, and also how to purify and extract the chemicals, which's necessary even when you're buying from a legit RC shop. Even though IM is my ROA of choice, I understand it's not for everyone, but with good precautions it's no different in sterility from a hospital. I've also designed an entirely novel IV procedure, but that's like alien level advanced and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Still, I want to lay out everything and let people decide. It is my opinion that such info should be available as those who're going to do it will do it anyway, but likely learn from poor quality sources. 

[Nemra]

21 minutes ago, LambdaDelta said:

By the way, somewhat off-topic, I plan to write an exhaustive guide to psychedelics since most people here are very ignorant, but it will inevitably contain some dangerous parts.

I'm looking forward to that!

When and how did you begin your experience and research of psychedelics?

[Nemra]

9 minutes ago, LambdaDelta said:

I'll link to tons of resources nobody has ever heard of

Even people who research psychedelics?

[LambdaDelta]

6 minutes ago, Nemra said:

I'm looking forward to that!

When and how did you begin your experience and research of psychedelics?

End of 2022, a friend from an unrelated forum convinced me to try mushrooms, I got some truffles, saw God, and the rest is history. It hasn't been long, but seems like centuries, my experience is very densely packed, I tried 60+ psychoactives, some very obscure, and even got to know a guy that manufactures a lot of the chems sold by the EU vendors, 5-MeO-DMT included. These days my "research" (consumption) is largely over, I'm working with maybe 5-6 substances that get me the best results, and the rest I experiment with, running novel extraction, purification, and conversion techniques. An interesting one in the works is Salvia blotters.

Though the guide may not come to pass, as I wish to write it exactly as designed, omission and censoring aren't my cup of tea. It's for Leo to decide what to allow on his platform.

[LambdaDelta]

18 minutes ago, Nemra said:

Even people who research psychedelics?

Depends on the depth of their research, that may have been an exaggeration but the vast majority surely don't, I only recently discovered some goldmines. People researching in clinical settings probably know most of it; still, some tips only come with in-vivo experience.

[Nemra]

4 hours ago, LambdaDelta said:

I'm working with maybe 5-6 substances that get me the best results, and the rest I experiment with, running novel extraction, purification, and conversion techniques. An interesting one in the works is Salvia blotters.

Exciting!

4 hours ago, LambdaDelta said:

Though the guide may not come to pass, as I wish to write it exactly as designed, omission and censoring aren't my cup of tea. It's for Leo to decide what to allow on his platform.

I mean, you don't have to share solely on this platform.

I'm also in favor of not censoring this stuff.

Edited Wednesday at 07:31 PM by Nemra

[UnbornTao]

8 hours ago, LambdaDelta said:

That's up to your interpretation, it may all be nonsense or contain great wisdom, both are valid. More than an experience report this was written as a description of what's possible in Consciousness. 

It seems to me like you confused a drug-induced state and your stories about it with a direct consciousness of the nature of something. I'm not saying there's isn't any wisdom there, but it is clearly coming from intellect. What would you say did you become conscious of? 

Edited Wednesday at 10:27 PM by UnbornTao

[Leo Gura]

@UnbornTao You're being kinda harsh on him. I think his experience was clearly profound.

Edited Wednesday at 03:42 PM by Leo Gura