1st April 25 Cannibis journey ive attached image interpretations of poignant moments from my journey.  Before I arrived at the shamans ceremony space, I had a god Realisation on the drive over. Not the best place to have that kind of a realisation, driving a van. A thought had entered my mind that “Light is a sound wave perturbation in the aether” but why can’t you prove God? existence is necessary before it can be proven but if something is prior to the objectivity of a thing or even its subjectivity the only thing that can point to existence is existence itself. the very idea of proving something is that one is shown to another but in the realm where all is one undivided whole, there is no other to prove anything to. existence is itself, by itself and for itself. it must ‘be’ first before anything else can. It cannot not be. That is its only impossibility. but you cannot point to this existence, it merely experiences itself as existence at the most fundamental level which is not nothing but no thing. a void. and emptiness within which everything becomes known and manifest ( the light/consciouness/infinite mind) the void shines awareness out onto things and we call it light. a blinding golden white light but we cannot see it in this world so there is nothing to point to but the objects it illuminates. if you could see it, it would get in the way of everything and you wouldn’t see nothing (no thing) By its very nature to illuminate it must be itself invisible and unseeable and unprovable. existence before anything exists… and then I saw it. An emptiness that is full of life everywhere! and so I turned up at the doorstep almost in tears after realising and seeing the beauty of its transparency and the oneness of the light that shines from my empty dark singularity to illuminate everything I experience and the quality placed on everything by the filter of my mind. The Shaman opened the space calling in the spirits and gods and goddesses and resetting the vibration of the space by filling it with the vibration of the drum. As the compass points were turned to and blessed, the spirit that came forward were a ‘white stag’ (earth), ‘a cock pheasant’ (Air), ‘The phoenix’ (Fire), and ‘a white horse’ (water) that came from the ocean (possibly the Foal that is due). We went to the front door to smoke the cannabis. After I stated my spoken intention: which was to ask for guidance from my higher self/ dream master whether to dedicate my focus to compassionate enquiry and helping people heal childhood trauma wounds by tracing back their cycles and patterns of behaviour through their emotional reactions or to dedicate my focus to teaching higher spiritual practice for those already seeking (my prior encounters with the divine feminine or goddess isis had encouraged me to work with emotions As I was standing waiting to take the pipe, my body was shaking. It felt like a combination of having been up till 4am the previous night and not having enough rest and a flitter of anxiety about the process of being dissolved (pre journey jitters I call it). I took one and a half smokes but both were half breaths. I decided to sit on the seat provided as I didn’t trust myself not to collapse unconscious as it had happened before.  I started to notice time dilation or loss of time and then I realised I had already dissolved before I came back to realise I had dissolved. I had been anxious about going through the process of dissolving but I had already left my body, gone around a bit of a realm and come back before I’d even noticed I had gone. When I got back, I informed the Shaman I was in the medicine and began to focus on a humming somewhere in the room. it was an electrical source in the laptop around 60hz but as I struggled to pinpoint where the sound was coming from I also became aware that my own hearing was asymmetrical. even though my hearing was elevated, one ear was more astute than the other and I noticed that one side of my Nadi system was more active than the other. My active Nadi was the Pingala (masculine). A nadi is not a verve but a channel in the spine where life force flows to give activity to the nerve. The two sides (the Ida and the Pingala) fluctuate in activity and if you are very focused in and aware you can tell which side is active at any one time. Shashumna is when both are balanced, empty and transparent that allows for better perception and energy flow. The pingala is the masculine on the right side that also represents the logical and Shiva. The Ida is the feminine on the left side that also represents the intuitive and Shakti. I was hearing with pingala active so later of when we got to the room, the first song was invoking Shakti to try and balance this one out. during a bout of lucidity, I made an attempt to get to the mat in the ceremony room so I used my memory of turning into the ‘chesire cat’ (the character that appeared on my first journey who walked my body in that form to the ceremony room) so I used this to get off the chair and down the hallway. Nearing the end of the hall I said to myself, that was just a memory and excuse so I got up onto my feet and walked normally the rest of the way in and then kneeled down on the mat. I swayed back and forth, moving to the divine feminine and bringing back the emotion to engage with the experience. My awareness went from realm to realm, through different states of consciousness and expanding into a totality of knowing and being. It went on and on and on. the universe was infinite and everywhere I turned there was more and I could see it all. Eternity in that moment, forever. The song finally came to an end and jolted us both out of the realm and back into the room as I tried to remember an eternity and how to write everything down in an intelligible way. I looked at the Shaman and said “Holy Fuck!” that was only the first song (which was just 12 minutes long). The Shaman had looked at the playlist because he thought it was just an extra long song because we had both been in there for what seemed like hours or as I say ‘eternity’. I looked at him and said “ this is going to be a long one! theres another 4 hours of this to go!”. He laughed as I settled down and said I was going to go back into the higher states. The second piece of music was a ghostly but beautiful chord progression so I sang my lyrics: “Close your eyes, drift away, let your spirit rise, let go, let go, I belong, I belong to this world because I’m the dreamer dreaming me”.  I held two contradictions as I contemplated dissolving their duality till they were the same thing like a mirror image. I was lying both face up and face down in water seeing the cosmos and the world and being in both the mind and the manifest because there was no distinction as to whether i was lying in the water or face down, they were both the same. the centre point was my singularity. the horizon line of the waters boundary but both sides just a mirror image of the other. I was already looking at both but needed to become aware of both simultaneously. I used the music to connect back into the emotions to fully engage with the experience instead of just watching it. the following piece of music was a piece I had contemplated deleting from the playlist as it was a bit cliche for psychedelic music but , by god!, it completely threw both myself and the Shaman into a swirling dissolution of confusion and realm jumping. it was completely mad and a mind fuck. after that the music became calm, desolate and isolating. I slowly settled backwards and finally lay down as I let go and began to turn inwards. My higher self showed me that the area I had identified as anxiety wasn’t my solar plexus and that it wasn’t anxiety at all. The reason that i had been unable to release it during ceremony was because I was trying to relax a tension that wasn’t there at all. I concentrated a bit further to feel that the area was higher and to the left and that is where the sensation was situated all around that part. it was my heart. The feeling was the contraction of my heart and the struggle to get rid of this feeling that was like tension was because I needed to open it and love. I had opened it before but shut it down when my authenticity hadn’t been accepted but I was encouraged to open this. As I went through the relaxing of the body, my attention was brought to what my mind was doing. The very thought of relaxing a part of the body was what was creating the appearance of the body in the first place. I was trying to put it to sleep and dissolve it as a thought in order to break through to the light in a self induced mystical experience within the framework of the substance journey. The substance was assisting me in remaining consciously aware as I tried to put the body to sleep bu the mind was causing problems as it focused on body parts like neck and chest to try and relax it into a sleep. The medicine left me to practice this for a while, catching the mind and trying to stop it from creating. It was certainly easier to do this when sober and falling asleep than trying to do it while completely aware. While I was doing this, I was also in my higher self state of consciousness, guiding my lower self to notice that in order to release and heal tensions in the body, it was not about relaxing and releasing but about accepting and loving. When I accepted and allowed everything to just be and allowed myself to just love it, the tension just came and went. I understood the importance of love and acceptance. to just accept and love would release me from any grasping or attachment or tension and conflict. Sometimes when embodied this means allowing yourself to let go and love and feel into and engage with everything like a piece of music that you love. allowing yourself to dance to it, sing to it, express life through it. It dawned on me that my contracted heart was to the left and a suppression of emotion which was all the divine feminine and why my energy had shifted to predominate the right and become logical to avoid the pain in my heart. there was nothing to be afraid of because the pain would just go if I simply opened my heart and allowed myself to love freely. when the mind does not grasp or attach, then there is nothing to let go of and everything becomes peaceful, loving accepting, flowing, living. I opened up more and managed to let the body go more and started drifting into the music where the boundary of my head disappeared and I became the space in which the music was vibrating. I felt the depiction (although this was all formless) of my face pointing upwards as though I was about to break the surface of the water and peer through to another world. I could see the light getting brighter as I focused inward and tried to break through. I pushed up higher and higher and into the Bufo space where it was just contrasting black and white as the light was about to become the void of black. I didn’t quite manage to break through to fully go out of body into the mystical but I know how to get there. I only know this because I remember being there before. not once but many times. it is home. There was disturbance of voices from workers in the shed behind the house and it lifted me out of the journey. My mind began spinning a story of concern that they were so close they may come in the door so I struggled to get back into the higher state. The Shaman at this point asked me if I could stay in the room and body for two minutes and I was lucid enough I could stay. I talked about the conditioning of the child and the mechanism of how the child formed a belief that went along with the culture and belief of the family. a belief about who they are and how the world is. this belief conditions a persons behaviour and more often than not, blocks them from achieving various goals in life. it often happens when an adult finds a moment to impart their wisdom on their child but this is not truth. its a transmission of anscetral load or generational traumas and false beliefs that corrupt the young mind. unintentionally of course. More flow music came on and I asked if I had been for long enough and after the agreement, I tilted my head backwards and concentrated on my inner vision and the light. I saw the blinding golden white light streaming through my eye lids and I saw the shadow of my hand casting across the light as I waved it back and forth. The light spoke from the higher part of myself and explained: “I am the light. I shine and illuminate by creating ideas/forms ( this was referring to my hand.) You see it waving back and forth and it casts a shadow in my light. The shadow is your face.” I watched as the hand waved across the light casting a shadow onto my face and my vision as the face reflected back towards the light to try and see what the light was. The light spoke again: “ if you remove the idea/form (my hand) the shadow disappears (my face and my vision from the point of view of the face). It all dissolves and all I see, all I am is light but behind it is nothing but infinite black. I can be known in light but forever mystery and unknown in the void. just aware.” The higher self showed me the one and how when it shines out its light it forms a mind. the mind creates ideas and imagines everything, casting shadows within itself that reflect its ideas back to it. while the shadow is cast, it sees from the point of view of the shadow not the idea. when the mind goes quiet both the idea and the shadow that is cast dissolve back into the light and it contracts what it has learned back into itself to remember and recognise itself as light and only light. the light is its consciousness, its mind, its knowing. it shines from its source of existence which is a singularity of awareness that simply is for itself, by itself, as itself and it knows nothing. its empty but pregnant with dreams. “When the idea in the mind is gone, the shadow cast of the self also dissolves to no self. I am the light, I am the empty mind that things come to being within. Beyond the light is my existence. I shine the light from my existence. I manifest through you by being and loving and accepting, open your heart again!” Two contradicting things were held up again to create the realisation that they are a apart of the same thing. a mirror image of the other reflecting itself back from its shadow to that which casts it. the manifest reflecting back on the idea that cast it into the world. Me: the shadow, contemplating the idea that created me, cast me,  in the first place. I as this smaller more limited mind was the bridge of understanding between the two. Lying face up or down in the water doesn’t matter. there is no up or down. you are always facing the same way (all ways at all times). I simply become the singularity in the middle. the awareness that sees the mind and its world of imagined ideas and I make it intelligible as it manifests into the world. The whole thing is imagined. even my face is just a form being imagined in the mind. I look out through the eyes (the eyes are imagined) I see me as a body (the body is imagined) I go back inwards and all is a singularity where there is nothing but existence awareness of itself existing simply being. “ watch the forms of the upper worlds ( pure mind and idea/form) and watch the forms of the lower worlds (the manifest experience). The symbols mirror each other. When you can read and speak this, your consciousness integrates both and transcends. you don’t ascend to another place, you are always in the now. you expand and become aware of more here and now. you can’t do this by dismissing shadows. you must learn, understand and integrate. you can quiet the mind and go to the light of course but if you bypass the shadow, you will have to deal with it when you go back until you integrate it and it becomes a part of the unity. The music started to shift to more energetic so the goddess isis or divine feminine reappeared to encourage coming out of the mind and going into existence living itself by reengaging the emotions, opening the heart and flowing with the music. singing , dancing and feeling it all in one unity. I sat up and sang with the Shaman. played with harmony and different types of emotion and just allowed the beauty and the good flow through it all. I criticised the playlist a little as it was a little too long and some could have been taken out of it but it was successful powerful music that happened in sequence at the right times and it was constructed with a knowing before knowing it was done right. The Shaman closed the space and we went out to the kitchen and had the famous curry! followed by me contemplating how I was going to remember all of this and write it down. somewhere in the middle of the journey I caught a very vivid glimpse of a friend that I loved dearly. She was sitting in a window seat with the porthole visible beside her. I dismissed this as I knew she was in South Africa, Cape Town. 
I shared an image of my journey followed by the caption “just landed back to earth from this place” with my spiritual group ( a group of closely bonded brothers and sisters who survived a disaster ayahuasca retreat but have loved and supported one another since) . The friend said ‘she wished she was there but was herself only landing in Berlin!. I said she may just have been there if she had snoozed in the plane as I saw her briefly in a window seat. 
we shared 🤯 emojis. It’s not the first time there have been unexplainable coincidences or meeting in trips or dreams that have been later confirmed in real life but alas I still question it. 
  images below in order of appearance in the journey