I am Spiraling

[yetineti]

First— I will not hurt myself. I have never self harmed and I am actively trying to take better care of myself.

Second— I am tired and will likely not respond until tomorrow. It is late here.

I will vent my situation and will be open to advice.

Ultimately, I am not happy with myself and beat myself up. I tell myself I know what to do and when it does not work out or I find no motivation I throw a fit.

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I am a control freak and I do not even know what I am controlling.

I completely disassociated years ago.

I smoke too much weed.

I had purpose with my family as a teenager in a Devilish sense I could only have imagined. I sacrificed my own sanity to maintain sanity. Acting as my parents own psuedo parents, babying them through their decisions in scenarios where I was given responsibility and no control.

Living alone now, for a couple of years, I am burnt out. My systems suck. I am impatient. I catastrophize. 

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I bounce between relativism, absolute certainty, intellectual understanding, hypersensitive feeling, complete not knowing..

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I bounce between deep emotional attachment and what comes across as ruthlessness. I view caring as stupid. Emotion attachment is stupid.

Yet I overextend myself to others to the point of vomit.

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And I worry about people in my life right now.

I chose solitude the best I could young. I had an intuitive fear as a kid that one day I’d stand embarrassed, in front of the whole world.

It almost feels like that. Watching loved ones fade while I remain skeptical of my own perspective and attachments, responsibilities, rationals, etc.

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I overthink.

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I am afraid to share my circumstances. I worry my attachment is a weakness. 

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Dad is unwell, low funds, suicidal, ‘reaching that point.’

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I am a control freak. I have not found my purpose. I have no purpose.

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Loneliness.

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Bad foundation.

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Optimistic.

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I meddle in others lives, elegantly. I have long lost the line of intent. I understand now, why, and my responsibility it remains.

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Had results in numerous domain. No progress. I feel the difference. Beginners luck.

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Lazy.

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Cynic.

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Spiral.

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I should meditate— a lot (what kind?).

Quit/greatly reduce weed intake.

Stop catastrophizing and calm down.

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“You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize?

Ignorance is bliss.”

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I don’t know what that quote has to do with anything and I post all of this at risk of seeming insane.

I am comfortable with that.

I am not comfortable in general though.

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Absorb. Purge. Absorb…

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Reality is madness.

 

 

 

 

Edited April 2 by yetineti

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8k4UiDwSJw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TILyiv8UsSU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5_DS89_lKU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFH-jl7UW9g

 

[The Renaissance Man]

@yetineti Hey man, sounds you're confused and overwhelmed. When I'm confused and overwhelmed this is my process:

1. There are times when you just have zero discipline. If I have enough to try to unravel my mind, I proceed to step 2, otherwise I just chill out, distract myself and accept that I'm going to waste the day or the week. It's a phase, and it's not the end of the world.
2. If my energy and mood allows it, I prioritize gaining clarity over my situation. Money, Relationships and Fun. Where am I lacking? What would be the unlocking move? What is the problem here? And you start to untangle the mess. I do this on my PC. I recommend you don't sit there mechanically following prompts, and instead go there with the goal of understanding, of untangling your mind, of clearing the pipeline so water can flow. I go from analyzing my various areas of life, to assessing the single problems, so I have a clear top-down perspective from bird's eye view to the single task, pretty much.
3. At this point, the mess is untangled. You may not know every answer (you will not know every answer) but you will know very clearly what the next steps are. You'll see at this point much if not all the confusion and overwhelm will have gone away, and you may surprisingly find yourself motivated to actually engage in those next steps. That's because the clarity allowed you to be conscious of the connection between action and result. Now that it's not all tangled up, it's clear, and no discipline is required.

 

In summary, chill out if no energy, then take time to untangle your mind (I do it by writing a text doc on my PC), and the rest flows naturally. TRY IT OUT!  I'm not saying all your problems will be solved, to be clear. We all know many problems take 10 years to be solved. But at least you won't be confused, overwhelmed and desperate. The way out will be 100x clearer. That's what I'm trying to achieve.

What's awesome is that the process is pretty fun and effortless. If you're here you have probably done some journaling and taking notes in the past. Great for when you have no energy.

Edited April 2 by The Renaissance Man