Fiction reading/writing feel dry and boring, searching for a new perspective.

[Curious_classic]

I don't know why but i always go back to it after i quit, it's the vision i have, you can write whatever your mind comes up with, a mix of philosophy, history, science, and i find joy going for walks and coming up with ideas, but the thing is when i need to write the novel, i get all these feelings of uncertainty, what if this is the wrong choice, what if i will be happier doing vfx or animation, which sounds very cool and appealing to me, i value cool things, its a value of mine, i'm possessed by feelings of appreciation of night's beaty, the lights on the streets and a lonely man smoking a cigarette and walking by himself, i prefer if i could design that scene visually and add a song, 

Those vibes of the night, smoking Marijuana drinking alcohol, and mental illness, theories like the simulation theory and debating God's existence, these are all patterns of thought that keep appearing in my mind, they are very Romanticized, because they are all an illusion, drugs don't feel good to me in fact i feel sick drinking alcohol, i feel mentally tormented smoking Marijuana, and at night i get glimpses of the beaty of a mountain with lights and the stary sky, but i need more i want to picture these emotions, so now i know i have a literary side and a visualy artistic side, so thinking of the obvious it might be writing and illustrating comics or manga, or writing screenplays and directing which is not possible in my situation, i'm not intrested in working a job that doesn't give me the ability to express my artistic delusions, or it's less focused on them, that brings me to the critical point, i don't trust that i will be able to focus on two things like both drawing and writing, and because i jump to conclusions, i think that a comic artist produces less than a novelist, so i must choose writing or drawing just a little like an illustration in each chapter, the critical point is my relationship with writing and reading fiction, it seems like the novels ive read so far aren't focused on this creative delusional side, they seem to be narrating dry and boring family life or school life or are dialogue focused, or have a premise i don't relate to, or the plot isn't that intresting, left alone with these feelings, i fall into depression, like why can't i express these feelings, in a way that is visual, has sounds, animated, and i make everything by myself, it will take forever to make just one project, on the other side a novel cuts straight to the point, expressing the emotions directly without adding anything, im stuck in this hole for 4 years now, thinking the same thoughts, i tried asking myself questions, reflecting but nothing seems to work, there isn't articles or books talking specifically about this topic, to help me make this choice, i think someone who shares my vision and spent more time experimenting reading fiction and drawing can tell whether the thing im searching for is in fiction or somewhere else.

I know my writing is bad, I'm making effort to improve, thank you.