Healing My Vindictiveness

[Revolutionary Think]

I know it isn't healthy but, sometimes I can't help it. When I was younger I went through a lot of crap that I like to think wasn't my fault. The two main things that bothered me the most was my parent's divorcing and school feeling like prison. I felt like the world was against me. I had to suffer for other people's decisions that they made that effected my life. I grew up not enjoying my family situation and not enjoying my school situation. With my family situation I was an introvert in an extrovert environment and not only that I was in the middle of my parents fighting a war against each other and I was used as a pawn. Then when it came to school middle school was a nightmare because I was given way too much work and I couldn't keep up with it not to mention it was boring work that didn't mean anything for me. When high school was finally over I wanted a job as soon as possible to afford my own place and be away from my family situation. 

I started doing well in College later but, was actively searching for a job with no luck. That's when it happened I got more vindictive. I said to myself here I am a person with talent, passion, and intelligence who feels abandoned and betrayed from society at large. Then I looked at older people the generation before my generation as a bunch of greedy corrupt lying morons that were destroying the planet. I started to hate society for the lies I was told that doing well in school meant doing well in life when even after school I felt like I was in the same helpless situation because I couldn't get a job to make money and I felt like I was trapped. Sometimes I night I think about all the dreams and aspirations I have and how I'm going to succeed but, then a vindictiveness also comes out about the society I live in and how I'm ever going to reach my goals when all these morons around me don't even acknowledge my existence and yet celebrities and stupid people on TV get all the attention while people like me are left behind. 

Although throughout the years growing up and going on vacations, meeting new people, coupled with the fact of seeing a therapist and going to the poetry lounge and doing slam poetry about my situation to let off some steam have helped. Also with in the past week I've reached a breakthrough point where I was about to go into a vindictive thought spiral but, then I told myself the people I'm so annoyed at were children who didn't know what they were doing themselves. These people are also to a certain extent trapped in their mind like I am and there is no use in getting annoyed with in my own mind because it wont do anything. When I thought that to myself that one night it really helped. Although from time to time these vindictive negative thought spirals do emerge I think I am making progress with my meditation habit and being a part of this forum. Anyone else feel this way? Care to chime in? 

[Guest username]

Keep doing consciousness work to gain self-knowledge and see how your issues are self-created. You're off to a good start by looking in ward.

 

I noticed that you have seem to have a pretty strong case of victim mentality, judging from your post.

I would watch the following videos many, many times to really let in sink in a condition your psyche:

 

[Revolutionary Think]

Thanks @Hungry_Duck you're understanding yet, not patronizing. @Dingus I'ts not so much a booboo as it is more like bunch of deep flesh wounds but, yeah with this consciousness work I'm working on getting new flesh basically. @username I watched those and let's just say easier said than done. I've at least taken the initiative of signing up with a program that's going to teach me job skills for the future. 

[Guest username]

@Revolutionary Think That's good. I recommend watching them many times. The lessons are critical and you really need to let it sink in. Victim mentality runs deep, so keep an eye out.

[Revolutionary Think]

@username As for the victim video earlier in my life I fell under the 1st category I was depressed and had very pessimistic thinking. Now I think I fall into the 2nd category (and that's improvement) I think I have a pretty decent life right now but, as far as relationships and career go I'm thinking there is so much there for me and I don't know how to get there. I'm very good at public speaking and I really want to build a brand out of my YouTube page and my blog. I am having some trouble finding like minded people that share my vision and that I can collaborate with. I just keep thinking that if I meet the right people things will get so much better for me. 

I get lucky and do meet people like this and I'm happy in the moment but, unfortunately it doesn't stick. Those people usually fade away from my life or they are too busy and doing some other things. I have all these ideas in my head of what I want to do although I'm having trouble to implement them. For example I started a petition to bring mentors to schools https://www.change.org/p/betsy-devos-bring-mentors-to-high-schools-to-help-students. The fact is that I'm always thinking to myself if only I had a radio show or a TV show to reach a wider audience and talk about subjects that I'm passionate about. People tell me I'm really good at being a performer things like writing a script and giving a speech. The problem is that I need some guidance on how to achieve my goals. They are very attainable goals that sometimes seem so close to me yet the reality kicks in and they seem so far again. I'll just have to hang in there. 

[Guest username]

5 hours ago, Revolutionary Think said:

That's when it happened I got more vindictive. I said to myself here I am a person with talent, passion, and intelligence who feels abandoned and betrayed from society at large. Then I looked at older people the generation before my generation as a bunch of greedy corrupt lying morons that were destroying the planet. I started to hate society for the lies I was told that doing well in school meant doing well in life when even after school I felt like I was in the same helpless situation because I couldn't get a job to make money and I felt like I was trapped. Sometimes I night I think about all the dreams and aspirations I have and how I'm going to succeed but, then a vindictiveness also comes out about the society I live in and how I'm ever going to reach my goals when all these morons around me don't even acknowledge my existence and yet celebrities and stupid people on TV get all the attention while people like me are left behind. 

@Revolutionary Think This is what I'm referring to by your victim thinking. It's your judgement of the external world.

[SOUL]

Identify the triggers that bring on the initial impulses and work on disconnecting the mental and emotional response associations by intentionally supplanting them with preferred associations.

It's not just enough to work on stopping the cycling but redirecting the process into a new pattern so the cycle won't be the same old pattern.

The unconscious mind is a simple creature so just work with it using it's primal sensory means and the fruit pf you effort will blossom forth from it.

This is really more about monkey mechanic work than it is advanced engineering design.

[Revolutionary Think]

I remember in a post I posted before you talked about how your past was also troubled. Is the advice you're giving me how you got over it?

[SOUL]

Yes, it is.

The majority of issues people are dealing with are our unconscious mind habituation, it seems to bubble up in uncontrollable ways.

Although, we actually have the ability to alter our unconscious programming through subliminal influences.

It really is unconscious mechanisms but since it eventually rises up to our conscious mind I refer to it as subconscious work, that subtle grey area between the conscious and unconscious.

Use the senses like smell, sound, taste and the others to give subliminal prompts towards new patterns, the monkey mind is a simple creature as I said.

Such as, spend some meditative time using intentionally directed thoughts supported by a unique smell, an essence oil or some fragrance scent that you don't ever come across normally.

Visualize yourself experiencing the triggers but with the intended new associations while you are simultaneously smelling this scent.

Place this scent on something you will keep with you, a woven bracelet to wear on the arm or cotton ball in a pocket, whatever works for you.

Whenever you incidentally get a whiff of this scent through the day intentionally reinforce the new associations with that visualization.

When you become aware of the trigger being hit use the scent to stimulate the new patterns instead of the old by intentionally reinforcing some more.

It likely won't work seamlessly right away but eventually the old habit will be replaced with the new and the unconscious mind will retain the new association with the trigger.

Then the training wheels of the scent won't be needed anymore.

If you create healthy productive associations with the trigger it will cycle in healthy productive ways unconsciously while intentionally it can be strengthened in the present moment of it happening.

Of course you can use tea or chewing gum or whatever it is that works for you but it must be an uncommon sensory stimuli so you can allow for it to be reinforced without going "numb" to the sensory input by overexposure.

Monkey mind is easy to train with repetitive reinforcement.

Edited May 13, 2017 by SOUL