My Journey With Porn

[Carbon]

I wanted to share with you all the story of my growth in relation to pornography and sex.

I am a Gen Z who was exposed to porn pretty young, around 11 or 12. I was a shy, introverted kid with a difficult home life, so it provided an easy escape for me. 

I used it pretty regularly for years, thinking nothing of it, thinking it was normal. When I got my first serious girlfriend and I saw how much it hurt her to know that I was watching it I developed shame around it, but that didn't stop me from continuing to justify it to myself. She and I never had sex, so I had to make up for it somehow I told myself.

I largely continued holding this perspective until I discovered spirituality. Before this point, I had been an atheist for many years. I eventually stumbled into the spiritual circles that demonized lust, sex, and porn. The message was that lust will destroy your spiritual practice; It will stunt your growth. 

After that, I proceeded to fight against it for nearly 2 years. I tried everything. I attempted no fap over and over. A few weeks, relapses, a month relapse, another month, relapse. Once I got up to two months. I would write notes and put them all over my house to remind myself not to watch it. I would say mantras to myself while showering about how harmful it was. I hired a life coach who specialized in overcoming pornography. I tried chaos magic on myself. I took DMT and opened a porn window and saw this vampiric cosmic horror mass of female body parts that made me want to vomit. I THOUGHT that might do it. Nope.

A new strategy emerged. Surely if I get a romantic partner, I can transmute that desire into something more pure through our sexuality, and quit altogether? Well, I tried this and there were many problems with it. One is that you cannot use other people like that, they sense it. Two is that ordinary sex is not a replacement for it. Porn is a different thing than sex. Months after I was in a sexual relationship and having regular sex, I still felt the urge to look at a screen and fall into it. Three is that once they are gone, you are still back where you started.

When that relationship fell apart, I was once again left with no way to run from it. I watched it again, but this time something surrendered. I had the epiphany that I couldn't do it. I did not have the power to overcome this. I completely gave up. I prayed to God intensely. I asked him to help me do what I cannot do for myself, to help me find a way through this that I can be proud of. I gave up trying to use my mind to figure it out, I let go of all expectations.

I got the intuitive sense a couple of days after that I should call out to that hedonistic part of myself that I was rejecting and hear what it had to say. Long story short, it did not want to be ignored or cast aside or killed, but the other parts of me that hold higher spiritual values did not want to let it be.

I let this contradiction sit in my mind for a couple of days and then two powerful questions hit me:
1. Is there a way I can partake in my desires that fully align with all the higher values of my other parts?
2. Is there a way to partake in which I would hold no shame in showing my future romantic partner? 

Turns out, the answer was yes! I decided to do some research and found pornography that was a whole new flavor compared to anything I was watching before. This stuff compared to regular porn is like an underground indie movie versus a box-office popcorn movie. Turns out there is porn that is art in the truest sense, with mastery and soul infused into it. As probably expected it is usually from studios run by women. 

For the first time, I have felt fully aligned and not ashamed of myself. I can own my sexuality completely. 

I shared this because I think I could've developed a much healthier relationship with my sexuality if I really listened to all parts of myself and what they needed, instead of shaming them and having an adversarial relationship with them. Plus it's quite therapeutic to write it all out.

[Majed]

@Carbon Proud of your journey. Could you share in dms the porn you found ?

Edited Saturday at 03:32 PM by Majed

[cistanche_enjoyer]

Can you share the names of those studios? 😁

[Davino]

@Majed @cistanche_enjoyer He will share it when Leo shares his porn collection

[Schizophonia]

People want to demonize something (pornography, sugar, tobacco, etc.) to feel safe by dividing reality into good and bad objects.

There are no significant problems with pornography other than draining your sexual vigor and desire to see girls, and desire in general.

People who say pornography creates fetishes are wrong; I've watched plenty of pornography lol and never felt like watching weird stuff.

It only reveals energy issues, just as benzodiazepine addiction implies anxiety.

Edited Saturday at 07:01 PM by Schizophonia

[Nilsi]

26 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

People want to demonize something (pornography, sugar, tobacco, etc.) to feel safe by dividing reality into good and bad objects.

There are no significant problems with pornography other than draining your sexual vigor and desire to see girls, and desire in general.

People who say pornography creates fetishes are wrong; I've watched plenty of pornography lol and never felt like watching weird stuff.

It only reveals energy issues, just as benzodiazepine addiction implies anxiety.

I do think there’s a legitimate materialist critique to be made about the porn industry - especially how it can exploit young women.

That said, if you’re really concerned, just watch amateur content where people actually seem to be enjoying themselves and making a bit of money on the side. Problem more or less solved.

[Eskilon]

But, Leeeoooo! Where's your Alien porn collection?!

Edited Saturday at 08:13 PM by Eskilon

[Schizophonia]

52 minutes ago, Nilsi said:

I do think there’s a legitimate materialist critique to be made about the porn industry - especially how it can exploit young women.

I don't care; it's not my problem, it's their karma, just as choosing to watch pornography is my karma.
I don't want to turn into an ayatollah and have people treat me like that; I prefer to be liberal.

Besides, it is also a way for these women to get by financially; Everything is polarized.

Quote

That said, if you’re really concerned, just watch amateur content where people actually seem to be enjoying themselves and making a bit of money on the side. Problem more or less solved.

Na i'm going to continue watching my big slavic and black women in 4k between two camel cigarettes. 👺

Jk.

Edited Saturday at 08:23 PM by Schizophonia

[trenton]

I shared my own story too if you didn't see it.

 

[trenton]

I may not be looking at porn but I still have other deeply rooted insecurities that are related. I find that my mind is constantly thinking about sex. I never had sex before, but part of me is curious. At the same time I have hated this part of myself for a long time. I felt that I fundamentally had no self worth if I was not living by a higher purpose. As a result I am drawn to things like actualized, life purpose, and personal development. I wanted to use a broader mission around my life in response to being deeply traumatized, thus avoiding sex while establishing my self worth. I previously made posts about how I hate myself because I want vagina.

I seem to have done something wrong. I have now deeply confused myself about who I am when it comes to sexuality. Multiple therapists have recommended dating, but I am still hesitant. I don't know if trying that would help the situation or not because I still did not see someone who specializes in trauma.

[LordFall]

I find that it helps to get really logical with it. Not all porn is violent gangbangs. And some women enjoy violent gangbangs. Who are you to say that's bad? On the website kink dot com for example they film pre and post sex interviews with all the performers and a lot of them are regulars that just love freaky sex. 

You can also go on gonewild and watch cute women masturbating so I mean that throws out any concerns of sexual exploitation out of the window. Be careful of organizations or movements trying to control your sexuality, it's a great way to gaslight you into submission.

Myself I'm doing a 75 day no vice challenge right now to focus my sexual energy into productity but I don't really necessarily see anything wrong with most vices as long as you're confident they don't affect other parts of your life which I was not.

Also plenty of women would watch porn with you while dating so you don't have to think it hurts your partner if you find one that's into it. 

[Princess Arabia]

14 hours ago, LordFall said:

I find that it helps to get really logical with it. Not all porn is violent gangbangs. And some women enjoy violent gangbangs. Who are you to say that's bad? On the website kink dot com for example they film pre and post sex interviews with all the performers and a lot of them are regulars that just love freaky sex. 

You can also go on gonewild and watch cute women masturbating so I mean that throws out any concerns of sexual exploitation out of the window. Be careful of organizations or movements trying to control your sexuality, it's a great way to gaslight you into submission.

Myself I'm doing a 75 day no vice challenge right now to focus my sexual energy into productity but I don't really necessarily see anything wrong with most vices as long as you're confident they don't affect other parts of your life which I was not.

Also plenty of women would watch porn with you while dating so you don't have to think it hurts your partner if you find one that's into it. 

Such a different and unique perspective on it especially compared to what's usually said about it. Unfortunately, most can't see outside their own paradigm and believe it's only the exploited or only people looking to gain more income that engages. Plenty of people do it just for the sex alone or just really enjoy it whether it's dysfunctional or not or morally wrong - that's another issue. Shame is the deep and underlying culprit that drives the issues. Remove the shame, and porn becomes just another vice. Excluding the real problems with exploited individuals and trafficking, of course.

[gambler]

On 3/29/2025 at 2:30 PM, Davino said:

@Majed @cistanche_enjoyer He will share it when Leo shares his porn collection

This made me smile. What a great post, I loved this. 

[Peo]

 

On 29.3.2025 at 4:17 PM, Carbon said:

When I got my first serious girlfriend and I saw how much it hurt her to know that I was watching it I developed shame around it, but that didn't stop me from continuing to justify it to myself. She and I never had sex, so I had to make up for it somehow I told myself.

Why not watch porn together? Why not combine porn and sex, like just having it in the background?