How Can Someone Tell If They Are Being Played?

[Guest Annetta]

Hi!  I'm just curious, what are some universal red flags if someone is playing you or if they are genuinely interested?

[Shin]

If the guy is experienced, there is no way to know.

But here you go (google is your friend :3):

http://www.wikihow.com/Find-out-if-He's-Playing-With-You

http://youqueen.com/love/relationships/are-you-being-played-here-are-10-ways-to-know/

http://elitedaily.com/dating/signs-getting-played/1055660/

Edited May 12, 2017 by Shin

[Guest Annetta]

@Shin Thanks, but I read through these already.

[Guest Annetta]

Hmmn, yeah.  Okay... it's okay.
Hate the game, not the player.
I'll just be more aware next time.

I think... I need a mate who is warm.  That's really what it boils down to.

[Shin]

It's not your fault, you're naturally attracted to manly quality such as confidence/detachement/edginess and stuff like that.
The problem is that our society is so much fucked up, that most of these qualities are mostly embodied by those we call "assholes"
Men that don't posseses these qualities, well, you just simply can't stay with them, because there is nothing to keep attracting you in the long run.
There are guys who have these types of quality without being assholes, but they are rare (and most of them taken anyway).

Maybe next time, even if it's really really hard, try to get to know the guy more, like add 2/3 dates.
Learn how to be more mindful of your sex drive, and how you can manage your attraction.
It's hard, and you might not even want to do that, because you want all this to flow, like you don't have any control over it, that's what you want after all.

If you really don't want to be abused again, or disappointed, you have to, otherwise it will never stop.
Do these things, don't become a cold hearted girl that don't believe in love ever again.

 

Edited May 12, 2017 by Shin

[Ayla]

When you are wondering if you are being played, you ARE! It is That simple!

[SFRL]

It's a very black and white concept to say: Am I being played or am I not being played? 

If you are being played then you are getting manipulated right?  But there can be various degrees of manipulation. It's not as simple as being manipulated or not being manipulated. Manipulation is everywhere and ongoing, but you have to ask yourself what is the treshold of manipulation that is acceptable? 

Also people judge themselves by their intentions and others by their actions. Because it's hard to really know for sure what someones intent is but you can observe their actions. But we know our own intent.

Therefore we judge others harsher then we judge ourselves. 

People are so neurotic that when someone takes an action they will assume the worst. And start acting counterproductive. 

While "playing" someone may be more a manifestation of someones dysfunctional carracter then  pure intent. Again this statement is probably neither 100% right and/or false. 

 

Edited May 13, 2017 by SFRL

[The]

it sucks getting played espically when you know you are but there's little you can do to stop it.. 

[Guest Annetta]

Well, I'll never know for sure.  It's just a hunch.
Either way, I should stick to what my original plan was and just avoid dudes for a while.
I wasn't even looking.

Fate gets drunk sometimes.  
But when the time is right, next time I'll go for the sensitive dude.

No harm done.

[pluto]

It all comes down to how much you want peace.

Find a way to disconnect yourself so the term "being played" can no longer be applied to your life.

Edited May 14, 2017 by pluto

[Guest Annetta]

I did some research on this today to look for signs for future mates.

The gist of my research was as follows: look at how men treat their family, friends, difficulties in past relationships, the sort of people they attract and there are certain qualities in attitude that players are more predisposed to having and to follow my gut.

My love is of a high quality, unmasked and of pure adoration.
For now I will grow myself until I am more confident, and with less baggage.

[Visitor]

Anybody who is not unconditional is in exploitation mode.

[Guest Annetta]

I think that people should have expectations and conditions, because that is where healthy boundaries arise from.

Anyways, I've loved unconditionally and I got used, so now I have expectations and conditions.

[Guest username]

56 minutes ago, Annetta said:

I think that people should have expectations and conditions, because that is where healthy boundaries arise from.

Anyways, I've loved unconditionally and I got used, so now I have expectations and conditions.

I think there's an important caveat here. Unconditional love, (in the non-dual sense) is very hard to achieve and is different from our every day notions of love. Normally, I wouldn't turn a dating discussion into a non-duality one, but since it's this forum and I know you're into spirituality, I'll go ahead an include that.

A lot of the times people think they are loving unconditionally it's more than they are "falling in love" and get swept away in romance while simultaneously throwing caution to the wind, which is a very dangerous thing and leads to much pain. It sounds like you've grown wiser and know how to manage things and have a better idea of what to expect rather than just getting lost in romantic narrative, which tends to be how most of us learn.

Don't let this think this makes you anymore loving. If anything you're just growing closer to more authentic love. Relationships are conditional, but love doesn't have to be. Don't feel guilty about enforcing boundaries; it doesn't make you cold-hearted. Sometimes saying no is the most loving thing you can do.

[Spiral]

On 2017-05-12 at 9:50 PM, Ayla said:

When you are wondering if you are being played, you ARE! It is That simple!

I do very often rely on my intuition, but if you are exposed to much of, let's say players.  You'll at some point get burned and think everyone is a player. I have on multiple occasions been wrongly assumed to be a player/fuckboy by female friends of mine and i'm not even promiscuous, although they did not seemed to mind either way

 

[Toby]

The only thing is maybe a gut feeling that something is wrong. The problem is that people can play and lure you in without seeming exploitative right from the beginning. Especially psychopaths and narcissists are good at appearing nice in the beginning. They might even appear as surprisingly loving towards you and others. It is the idealization phase. Search for "idealize devalue discard" on google. Look for that phases.

[Guest Annetta]

Who knows?  Could have been a genuine concern, could be residual paranoia from previous men.

Not my problem anymore.  Moving on.

[Visitor]

20 hours ago, Annetta said:

I think that people should have expectations and conditions, because that is where healthy boundaries arise from.

Anyways, I've loved unconditionally and I got used, so now I have expectations and conditions.

I have been in same situation. From that, I learnt that I did cunningly denied it to myself, that I was conditional after all, because I felt a loss of investment. Now I ask myself daily 'Can I let go of this relationship if my partner said goodbye?' This usually reveals any hint of expectation/investment into things to go MY way.

This daily self appraisal helps me to see where my partner may wish to be conditional with me. My usual response to her conditioning is, "If that is what you want". She then knows that I am happy to go along with her wish, but also knows I will not go where it will compromise my truth.

[Guest Annetta]

The more articles I read about men the more insecure I feel, there's just no way for me to know.
I'm not good at reading people.

[Natasha]

@Annetta Being played = being manipulated/controlled. Where is no love and care, there will be manipulation and control.