Personal Boundaries

[Jedd]

I would like to open the topic of creating personal boundaries...I'd like to know especially what the best way of creating personal boundaries is and if or why they are important?

[Ayla]

You would only acknowledge that you have them or that you need them in a context where something feels off. When you find yourself suffering because of some situation. There are two types of boundaries violation:

• someone invades your space - physical or emotional. They can do it on purpose but most often, unintentionally.
• someone withdraws from your space.

In both cases, what I have found most useful is, as always, inner work. Find out what the trigger is inside of you. Do you feel that someone is doing something TO YOU? This is key here. Once you come to realize that they are only doing their best, you will be able to swiftly let them off the hook and be at peace. If you realize that they are intentionally harming you and you cannot pull back, look into ways you have associated love with pain. This keeps you stuck in endless painful situations because, simply put, that is your comfort zone. All you ever knew and feel safe with.

When someone stops doing something for you that you perceive as a need, look into abandonment/rejection issues. 

So awareness is the first key. 

Second key is believing that someone is doing something to You.

Third key is seeing what wound is being triggered and work with that within. 

(I do know that this is easier said than done ;))

 

[Jedd]

10 hours ago, Ayla said:

Do you feel that someone is doing something TO YOU?

 

Mostly myself @Ayla I say yes too much and end up in situations that I don't want to be in... for example starting jobs I don't like then pull away and dwell on it.

 

[Ayla]

@Jedd 

First, acknowledge how refreshing it is to know that nobody is crossing any boundary of yours. 

Then look at the pattern. If you know that there is a pattern there that always leads to unhappiness, you have a choice to follow it over and over and arrive at the same result or chose a different path and end up with a different result. In the beginning, wheñ going into a new situation and you catch yourself on the same path, use mindfulness to see, at every step, where you trap yourself. so that you know, step by step, what to do/not do the next time. 

Find suitable tools to pull yourself out of that situation BEFORE it hurts you. For instance: 

You go to a job interview and you get the job but you realize you won't like it. Write an email in the 3 step communication style:

1. Acknowledge - thank you for your offer
2. State your position - but after further consideration, I don't think this position suits me at this time in my life and so I wouldn't be able to fulfill that job in a meaningful way
3. Conclusion - therefore i have to kindly decline your offer... 

 

 

[Guest username]

@Ayla Off topic, but welcome back to the forum.  Have you been exercising? Your profile pic looks a lot healthier.

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On topic: @Jedd Personal boundaries vary from person to person but can be heuristically predicted by having good social calibration in general.

Having personal boundaries is mostly about managing your personal safety, that is physical, emotional, etc.  It prevents people from taking advantage of you, harming you, abusing you, doing things at your expense, etc.  

It's important for you to have these if you want to protect yourself and the quality of your life circumstances and also to be attuned and to respect other people's boundaries in their best interest as well. Most  serious interpersonal social problems stem from a failure to recognize or respect boundaries.

[dan seeker]

i have always had problems with this i am always afraid that the other peson might think i am paranoid, this is wrong i know. u just have to accept that some poeple are less enlightened and need to be verbally or physically directed when they are out of line, this is hard at first, but it is a skill. as soon as i feel uncomfortable with an other persons action toward me, i imediately tell my supervsor at work or the person directly. to prevent any resentment. positive comuncation

[Natalya]

@dan seeker it's always best to talk to the boundary violator first before going to a supervisor. As you said, people don't always realize they're doing something wrong.