How To Fail At Life

[Markus]

I was reading an age-old thread with a similar topic which didn't really pick up steam. But I think this topic is a fucking fun idea. After all, learning from failure is an useful tool. And if you manage to learn something from other people's failures - great. I'll use my own experiences as well as things I've observed or concluded.

So, I'll start the list off with a few powerful tips on how to fail at life.

1. Never, ever meditate. Because if you do, you might start to see the world in a whole different light and realize the way you're living your life is retarded. So don't do it. After all, if you want to fuck up, it's easiest to do if you don't realize you're fucking up.

2. Don't develop any conscious habits. Habits are boring. You want to be free to do whatever you want. Doesn't that sound awesome? So from now on, give in to any impulse that arises. Want to eat potato chips? Watch porn? Do it. After all, you're doing what you want, and that's guaranteed to make you happy, isn't it?

3. Fall obsessively in love with the idea of one specific person. You want to spot this one person that's just the personification of perfection. Your soulmate. The only person who could ever make you happy. It's also great if they don't feel the same way. Because love is something you have to fight for. Befriend them and do everything you can to please them, but never tell them your true feelings. Engage in needy behavior to the point where they become absolutely and utterly disgusted with you and tell you they don't want to see you or talk to you any more. After they do that, confess that you've been in love with them the whole time. Express your love so strongly that they have no choice but to see how foolish they've been and that the love of their life has been right under the nose for all that time.

4. Don't exercise. Exercise is hard. Why would you do something that's hard? You'll feel miserable while doing it, and our goal is to be happy instead. The solution? Self-acceptance. Show yourself some love. If you want to lay on the couch binge-watching Game of Thrones and eating Oreo cookies, kindly treat yourself. 

5. Always eat in front of the TV. Eating's great, so why not make it even greater by watching TV at the same time. Life is short. Live it to the fullest. Maximize pleasure. If you get up from the couch after 4 hours and feel stuffed and drowsy, get back on the couch and have a few drinks. They'll make you feel better, and lull you to sleep.

6. Never strategize. Don't write down any plans or goals. Those will limit your freedom by stripping you of the choice to do anything else. If something would really need to be done, it would get done. It's okay.

7. Entertain the hope it'll all work out in the end. You'll find your perfect girlfriend or boyfriend. You'll be healthy and beautiful. You'll be a millionaire. You'll be the most amazing person who ever lived and everyone will be jealous of you. One day. Life is long so take it easy. There's still time. You can start taking action next January.

And now I'm expecting your contributions. I'm sure there's a lot more to being a failure and dying miserable & full of regret. What are your tips?

[alyra]

such judgement

[TJ Reeves]

Spend huge amounts of your free time following celebrity gossip. This includes tabloids, youtube, and instagram. It's very important that you curate your instagram. How else will anyone respect you?

Get drunk every weekend. Aim to literally become as unconscious as possible so that you have another 'Blackout' story. Why even bother being sober past 8 pm on a Saturday? 

Never, EVER, try psychedelics. Dude, only weirdos do 'hard stuff' like shrooms, LSD, or DMT... that stuff messes up your brain, right? 

Never question authority. especially not about psychedelics, spirituality, or anything you learned in school.

Plan your life so that you work blindingly hard in your youth so that you can retire and do nothing as an old person. Especially in a job that you don't like whatsoever and that doesn't contribute to society very much. You have to be realistic, you know.

Lie all the time. Lie to get ahead. lie to prevent people from feeling bad. Lie to make yourself feel better.

Only work for yourself. Do not try to work for a higher cause. Work for the money. 

Keep your eyes on the prize. Never stop to smell the roses. it will all be worth it in the end when you get that prize, right?

Quit your dreams at the first sign of trouble. pshhhh be realistic man! I've got problems I have to take care of now!

Listen to your gremlins. You're brain is correct when it tells you that you're worthless. You wouldn't talk the same way to your friends, but that's because they're not on your level.

Believe you have to be perfect. Or else. Other's can mess up, but that's because they're worse than you. Or maybe its because they're luckier than you and have life handed to them. Either way, everyone else including your loved ones can afford to have flaws and still be lovable. But you? you're special. You are the one exception regarding perfection... you gotta be perfect, baby! 

When you read and listen to self-help, don't actually try to put it into practice. just understanding the theory is enough. Don't tell anyone that what you're doing, either. They'll think you're weird. Your best friends will absolutely not try to help you as you attempt new ways to improve your life. 

When learning how to date, stay focused on impressing the other person. Don't ask yourself if you're impressed with them. Keep asking what you can do to convince them to like you. Question every text and every part of the interaction as if it is a giant shit-test. And for god sakes, don't talk to that girl you think is out of your league. Don't even bother to let her know you're attracted to her. 

Make fun of other religions/spiritualities other than your own. Those stupid fucking atheists, christians, buddhists, jews, hindus, mayans, scientologists, mormons, etc. just don't understand what's true.

Get super upset about the economy, politics, and other systematic issues, but never actually do anything about it. only read the headlines of articles "just to be in the know" but then post things on Facebook as if you are an expert. Don't actually learn about what the other side has to say. Don't actually recognize that you have no fucking clue what's going on regarding complex, multi-national, historically-weighted topics: stick to your guns because you know what's right, dammit!

Do not sit down and figure out what your values are. that sounds like a woo-woo idea. Its too difficult and takes too much time. I'm in this for the sex, man!

Edited May 12, 2017 by TJ Reeves

[Visitor]

Don't be honest. For the truth hurts.

[Guest Annetta]

I do most of these things.

Dia-bee-tus here I come!  *heart eyes*

[Shin]

You can't fail life, you are life.

There is no success or failure, these are just labels, these are concepts ...

[Markus]

@Shin I'm life, I'm everything, nothing ultimately matters, the self is an illusion, all that good shit. Yes. But don't become the guy that sneaks that in into relative discussions. You know what I mean.