I feel like my mind and mental brain state got messed up somehow.

[blackberry7000]

Around two years ago, I was in a bad place in life and I was trying to find ways to improve myself and I got into self improvement content. Ever since last year, I would.have doubts that I would become the person that I was meant to be. I would be having these negative thoughts about people abusing me and messing with me in the worst ways possible and stopping me from becoming who I was meant to become. It felt so real. Later on, these thoughts manifested into vivid visions of me crying and I would feel like crying but not physically. It's like I cried but I didn't physically cry at all. I would have visions of abuse happening to me and it would feel like the abuse actually happened. I would feel as if my spirit/subconscious was acting out in the real world for me. These were fueled by feelings of fear and that my freedom and way of life that I loved would be taken away from me. The worst part is that I would put way too much energy into this stuff. I would feel like someone would come along and hurt me badly. It then got worse as later on in 2024, I would be having these weird and strange mental visualizations/visions in my head that show me being disrespected and humiliated. These visions was caused by intense anxiety and fears of something taking away my freedom and life from me. Over the upcoming months, I would start to believe that I had high ambitions, high purpose and life would seem so fun to me. This is not mania or psychosis because I was just having a confidence and a normal ambition in me that everything would work out great. I would believe that I had a higher calling and some kind of purpose. Over the following months leading up to November 14th, I would feel extreme fear and anxiety that something was going to take me over and take away my way of life and control me or something. It's crazy and strange. Then I started getting visions that I was being brutally tortured by someone. It happened out of nowhere suddenly. I was just closing my eyes and I get these weird sensations and mental visualizations of me being tortured by someone and then it would be very vivid, more vivid than any other type of visualization or dream that I had in the past. When I think about these visions, they don't progress into anything anymore. It feels like I am dead. This all happened and then suddenly this is my ongoing issue in my life:

 

 

My mind feels weird and I feel like my personality, identity, and my character died. I feel like my mind isn't operating as a part of me anymore. My mind is not working right. I had some intense mental visualizations/imaginations/visions that included in me being tortured by someone or being abused and all of a sudden, I feel strange. I feel like I was really connected to those visions in some way. It was as if the damage that was done in the visions was connected in some way. I feel like major parts of my identity and personality have been diminished and weakened. It's like the traits and characteristics that made me myself get affected and weakened so severely that I can't even recognize them anymore. It's very subtle. It's as if it is not a part of me anymore. It is very, very similar to what people would describe as an ego death. These are my cognitive issues: Severe issues with learning, memories issues, severe lack with logical thinking skills, critical thinking lacking skills, struggling to think things through, struggles with thinking for myself, struggles with understanding and comprehending information immediately, not being sharp as I used to be, etc. Things that I was, things that I liked and hated now seem diminished to me in feelings. I feel as if my personality is not operating fully in me at all. I have strong brain fog that blocks me from thinking critically and logically as well. It's hard for me to think deeply, learn new things and to improve my life better. I was heavily into personal development in my life. When this happened to me, I lost all of the motivation and drive to improve my life in different areas. I was not sad when this happened. It's like I had the momentum taken away from me. When I try to think about the thoughts that I had about improving my life and to better myself and anything that happened in the past, I feel like it's so foreign and different to me, as if it happened in a different reality. I can't even seem to remember the past and it's like I have to fight back to get the feelings and sensations that I once had. There are times when I can't even discern the thoughts that I have in my mind, whether it's intrusive thoughts, impulsive or rational feelings. How do I get help from this? The key to understanding this is that I seemed to put way too much energy into all of this paranoia and negative thoughts here but it shouldn't have manifested into something like this. I need serious help here. I won't take going to a psychiatrist as an answer here because I need serious help for certain. What exactly is this? I need help here. What happened to me?

[Hojo]

Im gunna say you are trying to be something you arent or dont want to be. Enjoy the time off of self development and indulge. You program your body your body has memory of being something. You suddenly want to change, the body dosent change so fast. You demonize the previous you thats still there in your body and the body is responding I think anyway. So try to go back to what you were doing before self improvement and see if something changes.

Self improvement is very tricky. You are essentially trying to change what you are without demonizing what you are. Its hard to do this because to change you kind of have to admit that something is not right or bad and you dont like it. If you demonize yourself literally a metaphysical entity gets hurt feelings and will haunt you. You have to love yourself and change that means dont self improve, improve your opinions and thoughts about yourself, then self improve. You might have to go back and do your old stuff and be okay with it then kindly say I dont need to do this right now.

All your thoughts as metaphysical beings exist in Gods imagination and they do act as if they have sentience. Your brain can program seperate personalities that exist as much as your personality does if you suddenly change that programmed being is still there and if you are constantly unconsciously or consciously attacking it it will react as you programmed it  and as if God itself is attacking it.

Edited March 22 by Hojo