Awakening after being on the edge of suicide

[Tristan12]

I'm copying a lot of this text from my personal trip reports, which is why it's framed as me talking to myself.

 

Yesterday I was feeling really awful, in a lot of pain, and I was really suicidal. I made the decision that I’ve had enough. I can’t live this life anymore. This has gone too far and gotten absolutely ridiculous. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell of a life. It’s cruel, it’s awful, it doesn’t end - I’m done. I’m going to give up on this life, and do whatever I can to make myself kill myself. 

If the universe wants me to stay alive and do something with my life, then it can make that happen. It’s had plenty of opportunities to do that, but it still won’t. So I am going to kill myself, get rid of this life, and if the universe doesn’t stop me and change something about my life, then it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything I can.

I decided to take MDMA. I usually only use it with other psychedelics for healing purposes, and I wouldn't let myself use it for any other reason because it can be addictive, but I didn't care at this point, I was planning on killing myself later that day, so I took it just for my own enjoyment.

 

Noticing my fear of killing myself

I plugged the MDMA, it came on gradually and reached its peak after about an hour. During this time I felt SO good. I was journalling on my laptop, listening to music, and I felt amazing. It made me think again that it’s so stupid that I have to live this life and suffer so much for so long, when I could just be in a state like this, feel so good and not be in any pain.

I started to think about what I was going to do after this trip. I knew this good feeling wouldn’t last and eventually I was going to go back to being in a lot of pain, and I needed to kill myself. I was really afraid to do that though. I really wanted to kill myself, but the thought of actually doing it is so scary. I don’t know if leaving this life is the right decision, I don’t know how I’ll feel after I die and where I will go, I was so afraid of it all. Eventually I realized that all of this fear I have only hurts me. I really don’t need to be so afraid, not just of killing myself but of life in general. I could see that this fear is an illusion and it’s something I could let go of.

You need to have the courage to lose your life. I am so afraid of suicide, of dying, of losing control, moving into the unknown, etc. You need to see that there is really nothing to fear, you will be okay.

 

Giving up my control

I realized that I needed to get to the edge of suicide and seriously consider killing myself, right then and there, to really confront my fear of death. I saw that if I had the courage to let go and let myself die, that the universe would take control. If I totally surrender and give up all control of my life, the universe/my higher self will be able to come through me and live my life for me, and Tristan won’t be here anymore to suffer from this life, so I won’t have to physically kill myself to get the relief that I want. 

See that you can totally give up control to the universe, totally surrender, totally let go, and you no longer need to think about what you need to do to heal and move forwards in your life. That’s not your problem anymore. By totally giving up control over my life, you let the universe come through you and take over. This is exactly what I want, because I am absolutely exhausted from trying to make things work in my life. Just give up and relax.

Your only objective at this point is to fully let go of control, and do whatever feels good to you. The thought of healing, moving forwards with my life, starting to work and make money, all of these problems in my life, they don’t matter to me anymore. Forget about all of them. If you get into a position where your back is against the wall and you are forced to do something you don’t like (such as running out of money and being forced to work when I don’t want to) then you kill yourself, no questions asked. You’ve been through enough pain in your life, you’ve suffered enough, it’s not your responsibility to try to make things work anymore.

You need to trust that if you fully let go, the universe will take care of you. I’ve been so deeply suicidal for so long, and tried so hard to kill myself, yet I am still here. I am not going to get into a situation where I actually end up killing myself, even if I totally give up control and don’t care about doing anything to make my life any better.

 

What I need to do moving forwards

At this point, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, because it is no longer your responsibility to move your life forwards and make things work for yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good and whatever you feel like doing at all times. If you get into a situation where your back is against the wall, then you can kill yourself. Don’t force yourself to keep going through pain and living this life if you don’t want to. If the universe wants things to work out for you, then it will make that happen. 

Stop worrying about the problems in your life, stop trying to make things work for yourself, because that is not my problem anymore, and it only causes me more suffering to keep stressing about my problems and trying to figure them out. Give up on your life as if you were going to kill yourself, focus on making yourself feel good, and let that help you surrender control more and more, until Tristan is gone and the universe/my higher self has fully taken over me. There is nothing else you have to do.

 

How it feels surrendering to my higher self

As I surrender more, the universe will be able to enter my being more. I noticed that as my higher self starts to enter me, it cannot co-exist in my being with all of the emotional issues I have. I can feel a lot of emotional pain coming to the surface to be released as my higher self enters me. I’m sure as I surrender more and more, this will give me the opportunity to heal, and maybe this was the way I was always meant to heal, and this is why healing has never worked for me in the past.

I can feel that once all of my emotional pain gets released, I will naturally start to feel like working and moving forwards with my life, but I won’t be forcing myself to do that, and Tristan won’t be the one doing it at all. I can feel that as my higher self really starts to take control, and Tristan falls away, my entire life will be directed by it. Tristan won’t be the one teaching about emotional healing and helping people. The universe will be living through me, helping people directly, and Tristan will be gone.

When I surrender and allow my higher self to take control, I can feel myself entering an altered state of consciousness. Life doesn’t feel like a physical reality anymore, it feels like I am walking around in a dream, in an imagination, a mind. I also feel like I am more intelligent and insightful than I was before. Insight comes to me much more easily. I can feel myself being pushed to stop thinking so much and start to feel a lot more. Feeling is how I access my higher self and get direction from it.

I can feel a lot of my neurosis and dysfunctional behaviours falling away. My higher self is not weak or afraid, it will not let people push it around, and I can feel a lot of my neurosis being corrected just as a result of my higher self entering me. I really feel like my healing will come from establishing my connection to my higher self, and as I surrender to it, I will receive the love I need to help me heal. 

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My objective now after that trip is to keep working on getting to a point where I can fully surrender and let my higher self take over. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me that prevents me from surrendering, so it will take work to get to the point where I can fully let go.

This morning, I went to take a shower, and I was thinking about everything that happened yesterday, thinking about how crazy it is that my higher self is starting to take over me, along with how connected I've felt to existential love lately, such as the episodes of craziness I've had recently after touching existential love. Thinking about all of this together made me really see how obvious that I am awakening and moving towards existential love. 

As I was thinking about this, I starting crying, and I started acting crazy again and getting into an altered state of consciousness. It was deeper than usual. It felt similar to a state I would get into on a psychedelic, even though I was fully sober. It was a lot more clear, stable and lucid than psychedelics, and it didn't have the blurry headspace they often have. I felt dis-identified with myself, and everything felt so beautiful and amazing. I kept crying and acting crazy, and later I played music and it was absolutely mesmerizing. I was was also looking at pictures of beautiful girls, and was in absolute awe of their beauty - it was just radiating off of them.

 

After I got out of the shower, I plugged 5-MeO-DMT. I was already planning to do it earlier that day. It was a low dose as usual, but I got into quite a high consciousness state from it. My intention was to surrender as much as possible, because that's what I need to be working on, and I left human life quite a lot by doing that. Here's what I got from the trip:

You keep thinking that when you take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken, that this is just some state you get into, but your normal human life is what’s real. That’s not the case at all. The awakened state is what’s real, and you’re fooling yourself if you think that it’s not. You think that you can take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken to God, Leo can do that, other people on this forum can do that, and that is just some state you get into, and then you come back to this normal human life and that is what’s real. You’re fooling yourself. There is nobody else to awaken to God but you. This is your dream, you are only imagining that other people exist. Because of this you need to stop giving other people so much authority. You’re giving away your power to an illusion. The only thing that matters is that I awaken and realize the truth of what I am.

You think that Leo has this life purpose where he teaches people how to awaken on YouTube, and he has this forum where you can go and talk to other people about awakening, and get advice, but all of this is a massive bullshit story you are creating. There is no Leo, there is no “Leo’s life’s life purpose”, there is no forum, there is no other people to talk to about awakening. All of this is something you’re creating yourself to lead you to awakening. It’s all me. See how foolish it is to give all of it so much authority, when it’s not real, and I’m the one creating it.

It’s fine if you want to go back to the forum and live your human life like normal, but you need to stop giving Leo/the forum/people on the forum so much authority. You’re being an idiot by doing this. My relationship with God/the universe/my higher self is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing that is real, so I need to follow that and obey that no matter what anyone else says. Otherwise, you are giving your power away to an illusion, and you won’t awaken by doing that.

(This really helps me to trust what I experienced on MDMA yesterday, that totally surrendering myself and letting my higher self take over is absolutely the right thing to do)

I started to surrender deeper, and I could feel myself connecting deeper with this higher consciousness state. I started to cry really hard, and I realized that God is what I have always wanted. Like Leo said: “when you want x, what you really want is God”. However you will only experience God once you completely, 100% surrender, which is something I am still working towards.

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I'm currently doing better and not feeling suicidal. What I experienced yesterday with MDMA really made me feel a lot better. It's clear that I am headed to some sort of awakening, that my human self is going to fall away and my higher self will take over. I have developed such a deep hatred towards human life because of how much pain I've gone through, and I want to leave this life so badly, but it seems like if I just surrender myself and let go, my higher self will take over, and Tristan won't have to be here living this life anymore. It's also nice to know that it's no longer my responsibility to solve my problems or direct my life in any way. I am so exhausted from doing that, because I try so hard to change my life and it never works, and it causes so much frustration and suffering.

Knowing that I don't have to do anything anymore, that I can just let go and let my human self die without physically killing myself, this is a huge relief. This both gives me a reason to stay alive, and it shows me that I will likely undergo a huge transformation over the next few months, and it will result in my higher self living through me, living my life, and Tristan will no longer be here. I'm sure that's what all of this pain I've been going through for years has been leading me to.

I'm sharing this post only because all of this makes me really happy, and I love sharing it with other people who are into spiritual work

[Tristan12]

This reminds me of this thread I made on April 22 2022.

"A few months ago I had this awakening where I discovered this deeper part of myself within me. It was really clear that it was me because of how it felt, but it wasn't my ego or me as Tristan. When I saw this part of myself, it was like I as Tristan was looking at it and it was communicating with me in a way. I could also see that no other person really existed, and all of reality is just my own direct experience, and this life I had as a human and everything within it is just something I imagined. This part of me showed me that everything that I have been through in my life had led me to this point of awakening and realizing all of this, and it will continue to lead me deeper. It also showed me that all of the suffering I have been through in my life (as I have been through a ton) was never personal, it was never about me, it all happened just for the sake of leading me to awakening. Then this part of me showed me that it loved me, very much. It was really beautiful."

[Yimpa]

Great part 2 post! 

Edited Friday at 08:46 PM by Yimpa

[Princess Arabia]

❤️

[Hojo]

Same thing happen to me if you can somehow manage to surrender its like your aura dissapears and the universes aura comes in and touches you.

Edited Friday at 09:38 PM by Hojo

[Someone here]

5 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

Yesterday I was feeling really awful, in a lot of pain, and I was really suicidal. I made the decision that I’ve had enough. I can’t live this life anymore. This has gone too far and gotten absolutely ridiculous. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell of a life. It’s cruel, it’s awful, it doesn’t end - I’m done. I’m going to give up on this life, and do whatever I can to make myself kill myself. 

If the universe wants me to stay alive and do something with my life, then it can make that happen. It’s had plenty of opportunities to do that, but it still won’t. So I am going to kill myself, get rid of this life, and if the universe doesn’t stop me and change something about my life, then it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything I can.

I don't think there is anyone who has ever succeeded in preventing such situations from happening when one contemplates to end his life . I played around with the idea of suicide plenty in the past . And honestly it is 100% logical . Life in many ways is really such a hell hole. 

The only thing that prevents me from commenting suicide is...obviously..fear of death . If the suffering got even bigger than that fear I'm gonna say bye bye to this mortal dream drama .

[seeking_brilliance]

A psychedelic helped me too, when I accepted death, (I thought I was going to die from it). The awakening that followed was just magical, and I haven't taken psychedelic ever since, only marijuana. Much love.

[Aaron p]

Such a powerful testimony

[Leo Gura]

@Tristan12 Please be careful man. You're worrying me.

You need to seek outside help for your situation.

This psychedelic path will easily turn into an addiction here.

Edited Saturday at 01:53 AM by Leo Gura

[Inliytened1]

@Tristan12 awakening should liberate you from all the illusions of this world.  So that you don't take things so seriously and you fall in love with existence itself.  Yeah, sometimes it can hurt really bad, and it's not so easy to do this when survival is at stake and there is so much pain and suffering..  But that's OK.  All things must pass and there are plenty of good times too.  And you can't appreciate the good without some bad.   In the end, you know that you are God and it's just a dream.  Take solace in that.  And now go back into life and make the most of it.  Enjoy it even through the hard times and the suffering.  The suffering is spiritual growth.  

 

Edited Saturday at 02:49 AM by Inliytened1

[Inliytened1]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Tristan12 Please be careful man. You're worrying me.

You need to seek outside help for your situation.

This psychedelic path will easily turn into an addiction here.

Did you? You've been to the edge - confronted your deepest fears in the spirit of spiritual growth.   And you made it. 

We all know that spiritual work is not for the faint of heart and it's dangerous. 

@Tristan12That said- if you are inherently suicidal and suicidal tendencies are driving you to do this then seek professional help - this work should come from the desire to understand reality.   Not from a place where you already want to kill yourself.

Edited Saturday at 03:59 AM by Inliytened1

[AION]

Psychedelics is not the holy grail that will heal you. Insight doesn’t change you. It is just another coping mechanism.
 

Although psychedelics can help you to let go of your own patterns. Too much use of it will create more chaos and accelerate your suicide. 
 

Psychedelics should be used as a tool but with a lot of moderation. Your real healing is the hero’s journey and finding meaning on that path which will be your holy grail going forward; aka being your own mini god of your own life being in creation aka not spiritually bypassing. 

Edited Saturday at 05:19 AM by AION

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, Inliytened1 said:

Did you? You've been to the edge - confronted your deepest fears in the spirit of spiritual growth.   And you made it. 

We all know that spiritual work is not for the faint of heart and it's dangerous. 

@Tristan12That said- if you are inherently suicidal and suicidal tendencies are driving you to do this then seek professional help - this work should come from the desire to understand reality.   Not from a place where you already want to kill yourself.

He is in a very different place than me. I have spoken to him in private and I know this personal situation. He has been suicidal and depressed and struggling for a long time now.

He is at serious risk of harming himself.

The only reason he's taking psychedelics is because he's exhausted other options and he's stuck. He is trying to use psychedelics to solve his depression because other ways have failed him. He is also in this battle alone and he needs some outside social support.

Edited Saturday at 08:32 AM by Leo Gura

[Inliytened1]

29 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

He is in a very different place than me. I have spoken to him in private and I know this personal situation. He has been suicidal and depressed and struggling for a long time now.

He is at serious risk of harming himself.

The only reason he's taking psychedelics is because he's exhausted other options and he's stuck. He is trying to use psychedelics to solve his depression because others ways have failed him. He is also in this battle alone and he needs some outside social support.

@Tristan12. i believe there is help via ketamine treatments under strict doctor's supervision if it gets dire enough.  This could awaken you and also resolve the depression. 

Edited Saturday at 05:59 AM by Inliytened1

[puporing]

Ok but if you are considering harming the body there's something else going on, because you wouldn't have to if your basic survival was taken care of while accessing these higher states of consciousness.

In any case I respect your inclinations, but I just want you to notice that you have a relative problem, that there may be a solution to, perhaps. But I also have come across enough individuals in desperate survival situations that I'm not deluded that you would rather not be here anymore as a result. All I'm saying is that there may be things you haven't looked/pursued in relation to your relative situation. And please consider talking to one of us first if you don't have other options with your survival situation.

[Sempiternity]

Playing devils advocate here, and adding another perspective, but being suicidal when it comes to wanting Awakening can be a blessing. Of course you want to make sure you're during your substances right, with the right dosages etc. When the moment comes when one feels themselves dissolving, fading away, and it feels like you're dying, those that have a love for their life can hold on to life and resist. So someone with nothing to hold on to, actually may have an advantage in surrendering to an Awakening. 

[Inliytened1]

3 minutes ago, Sempiternity said:

Playing devils advocate here, and adding another perspective, but being suicidal when it comes to wanting Awakening can be a blessing. Of course you want to make sure you're during your substances right, with the right dosages etc. When the moment comes when one feels themselves dissolving, fading away, and it feels like you're dying, those that have a love for their life can hold on to life and resist. So someone with nothing to hold on to, actually may have an advantage in surrendering to an Awakening. 

Yes.  But paradoxically those that hold attachments to this world ultimately endure an insane amount of suffering which also leads to awakening. 

All roads lead to Rome.  If you are meant to awaken you will.   

[Sempiternity]

19 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

Yes.  But paradoxically those that hold attachments to this world ultimately endure an insane amount of suffering which also leads to awakening. 

All roads lead to Rome.  If you are meant to awaken you will.   

I'm curious. How does enduring insane amounts of suffering lead to awakening? Only way I know how is right dosing of certain psychedelics, and then surrendering to death, to Awaken from the dream to Truth/God. 

[Inliytened1]

3 minutes ago, Sempiternity said:

I'm curious. How does enduring insane amounts of suffering lead to awakening? Only way I know how is right dosing of certain psychedelics, and then surrendering to death, to Awaken from the dream to Truth/God. 

The only way I can describe it is the slow dismantling of the ego.  Suffering is the pain of the ego.  Spiritual Truth is that the ego doesn't exist- it is an illusion.   So the chipping away of this illusion is what ultimately leads to Absolute Truth. 

[Davino]

Be careful with MDMA. You can get hooked on it and make your situation worse. Twice a year max.

5meo should be fine if integrated properly. Although still it can be psychologically addictive. The healing potential is there if used wisely.

Ketamine can also come in handy.

Edited Saturday at 10:26 AM by Davino