Awakening after being on the edge of suicide

[OBEler]

@MsNobody he does it slow and smooth and has incredible results.

He had no ego shattering breakthrough so far.

I don't know where you see that he does it irresponsible.

 

"You must be wise and prepare your body for the load."

In my opinion it's way more smooth for your ego to do 5 Meo regularly in smaller doses than one big breakthrough. In this way you prepare your body for the load.

[MsNobody]

@OBEler dude he is suicidal, we take psychedelics to enhance sober reality, not to run away from it. You need a good solid foundation to go far, if you are not stable in normal reality psychedelics will fuck you real bad. It shocks me that no one is talking about the pink elephant in the room. 

To ascend you need to descend into the body first, doing several doses of 5meo is not compassionate with the process of the body. The body is the one leading the way, our mind is already there. He will end up getting sick, which apparently is already happening otherwise he wouldn’t be in such a state of agony looking for a miracle in a substance. 
He would benefit most from a hug and a human support system than from hammering his ego with the most powerful substance known to man. It doesn’t take much to foresee where he is going towards.
 

It doesn’t matter if he puts all the fluff in his words and describes it as enlightenment. What matters is how you treat yourself, the level of self love you have embodied, the compassion you have with your own process and your body’s process. Anything else is bs. 

[Inliytened1]

3 hours ago, MsNobody said:

@OBEler dude he is suicidal, we take psychedelics to enhance sober reality, not to run away from it. You need a good solid foundation to go far, if you are not stable in normal reality psychedelics will fuck you real bad. It shocks me that no one is talking about the pink elephant in the room. 

To ascend you need to descend into the body first, doing several doses of 5meo is not compassionate with the process of the body. The body is the one leading the way, our mind is already there. He will end up getting sick, which apparently is already happening otherwise he wouldn’t be in such a state of agony looking for a miracle in a substance. 
He would benefit most from a hug and a human support system than from hammering his ego with the most powerful substance known to man. It doesn’t take much to foresee where he is going towards.
 

It doesn’t matter if he puts all the fluff in his words and describes it as enlightenment. What matters is how you treat yourself, the level of self love you have embodied, the compassion you have with your own process and your body’s process. Anything else is bs. 

Wise words

However remember the story of Eckhart Tolle...i heard he awoke after being on the brink of suicide and all fucked up in the head.   And awakening healed and changed his whole outlook on life.

Miracles are possible. 

Edited Sunday at 02:21 PM by Inliytened1

[Tristan12]

17 hours ago, PolyPeter said:

you are welcome! 

What do you think about the idea that the identification with a certain mode of thinking, even the suffering that gets created by being unable to be certain /beforehand/ about the results of a -full surrender-, is what is causing you pain instead of something that has to do with the full surrender itself?

let me know if this makes any sense or I'll try to reformulate it if it doesn't. 

I'm sure it is, but it's hard to stop those thoughts. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me from trauma, so I naturally think in fearful ways, and I need reassurance to help me trust that it will be safe to surrender, which is why I think taking baby steps and gradually surrendering more and more is my best option.

[Inliytened1]

19 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I'm sure it is, but it's hard to stop those thoughts. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me from trauma, so I naturally think in fearful ways, and I need reassurance to help me trust that it will be safe to surrender, which is why I think taking baby steps and gradually surrendering more and more is my best option.

Thing is..when you are at that moment of surrender..you either surrender or you don't.   If you don't fully surrender then you might get all of this other stuff he's talking about.   

Edited Sunday at 03:00 PM by Inliytened1

[Tristan12]

11 hours ago, MsNobody said:

There is no God guiding you, the God is you and it’s time for radical self responsibility

I receive a lot of direction and guidance from my higher self. I don't know what the most accurate term would be for it, if it's God or not, I just call it my higher self. I realize that ultimately this is my own self, but the way I interact with it is a duality and so I still treat it as being separate from me, and I don't see any problem with that because all that matters is that I receive its guidance.

11 hours ago, MsNobody said:

you are driving full speed into a wall and even tho you are aware of it, you accelerate anyways. If you go into it with naivety and cockiness it will bite you in the ass, ego backlash for sure.

I really don't care at this point. I am so done with life that all I want to do is kill myself. If I do something that fucks me up and ruins me, I could care less. From what I wrote in my original post in this thread, I realized that I have the opportunity to surrender my human self, and let my higher self take over and direct my life. That way I can stay alive without my human self/ego having to be here and direct things.

My only intention at this point is to follow my heart, follow my intuition, surrender myself to my higher self as much as possible. It will be in control of my life, the decisions it makes and where my life goes are up to it. If it ends up being a huge mistake, if I end up hurting myself and killing myself, I am perfectly fine with that outcome because I have no desire to be here anyways.

I truly believe that what I'm doing is right for me. I appreciate your response and you trying to help, but I'm going to follow my intuition, and nothing else.

[Tristan12]

3 hours ago, MsNobody said:

@OBEler dude he is suicidal, we take psychedelics to enhance sober reality, not to run away from it. You need a good solid foundation to go far, if you are not stable in normal reality psychedelics will fuck you real bad. It shocks me that no one is talking about the pink elephant in the room. 

To ascend you need to descend into the body first, doing several doses of 5meo is not compassionate with the process of the body. The body is the one leading the way, our mind is already there. He will end up getting sick, which apparently is already happening otherwise he wouldn’t be in such a state of agony looking for a miracle in a substance. 
He would benefit most from a hug and a human support system than from hammering his ego with the most powerful substance known to man. It doesn’t take much to foresee where he is going towards.
 

It doesn’t matter if he puts all the fluff in his words and describes it as enlightenment. What matters is how you treat yourself, the level of self love you have embodied, the compassion you have with your own process and your body’s process. Anything else is bs. 

I did 4.5 years of sober healing work before ever trying psychedelics. None of it helped me. I'm sure there are other sober methods out there I could try, but at this point psychedelics feel like my best option, and I feel like I have the right to be able to work with them after all the time I've spent doing sober work. I'm not just looking for an easy way out.

I think I have a pretty unique situation with all of the spiritual development I've gained from my suffering, and the connection to existential love I've developed. I think my awakening and healing will likely happen simultaneously, so it's not unreasonable to try to awaken on 5meo and heal at the same time. I think that's been destined to happen, that's what my life seems to be leading towards.

[Tristan12]

46 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

However remember the story of Eckhart Tolle...i heard he awoke after being on the brink of suicide and all fucked up in the head.   And awakening healed and changed his whole outlook on life.

I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his episodes a long time ago, which is why I'm surprised that he doesn't see that my life seems to be leading towards the same kind of thing. 

I guess there's no guarantees so you can't just assume that that kind of thing is going to happen, especially from an outside perspective where you don't know a whole lot about my life. But I have reason to believe it will, and so I'm going to follow my heart and do whatever I feel deep down is right for me.

[Applegarden8]

2 hours ago, Inliytened1 said:

Wise words

However remember the story of Eckhart Tolle...i heard he awoke after being on the brink of suicide and all fucked up in the head.   And awakening healed and changed his whole outlook on life.

Miracles are possible. 

It's also important to note what Eckhart did after that experience. He secluded himself from everything and everyone as much as possible and mostly did nothing which allowed him to radiate what he is radiating today. If he had a change of mind and he went about his day he would be in our predicament - well I had a awakening, but my life's kinda shit.

Edited Sunday at 04:56 PM by Applegarden8

[Yeah Yeah]

I watch a lot of NDE reports to cope - Many NDE experiencers say in their videos how much they want to return to the otherside so it's like is there a method to enter that void state and wake up from the body and return to god without injuring the body or is for some fucked up reason death the only route to it which sounds messed up how unconditional love, peace, connectedness, sense of home and yet to get to god ones body has to be destroyed like

[Vynce]

On 23/03/2025 at 4:14 PM, Tristan12 said:

I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his episodes a long time ago, which is why I'm surprised that he doesn't see that my life seems to be leading towards the same kind of thing. 

I guess there's no guarantees so you can't just assume that that kind of thing is going to happen, especially from an outside perspective where you don't know a whole lot about my life. But I have reason to believe it will, and so I'm going to follow my heart and do whatever I feel deep down is right for me.

Yeah, I wouldn’t put much hope in such an event. Especially if there are many proven ways of coming out of the depth. 
 

Maybe it helps you to know, that I wished my own death for solid 9 months (until 4 months ago). Sometimes daily; or in some horrible nights with every thought. 
 

Nothing helped, no antidepressants, no benzodiazepines, no weed, no psychedelics, no morphine (yes I took all of it - out of desperation). 
 

The answer and way out of this was way closer and easier than I expected it to be. But I don’t know your case, so just telling you what I’ve don’t is probably not helpful for your case. But it was not a „Eckhart Tolle miracle“. If anything such miracle states made it worse. Because they would remind me of the heaven I could return with death. 
 

But now I can say with all my heart that it was worth staying alive. And that your future self would probably (99.98%) think the same about you.

Maybe you can investigate, what other aspects of your psyche may be connected to your depression. Maybe its some form of learned helplessness, maybe fear maybe something totally different or nothing of that sort. Investigating there was the key for me. 

[Sincerity]

2 minutes ago, Vynce said:

The answer and way out of this was way closer and easier than I expected it to be. But I don’t know your case, so just telling you what I’ve don’t is probably not helpful for your case.

Could you share what your way out was? If you're comfortable of course.

[Tristan12]

@Vynce I don't think a spontaneous awakening like Eckhart Tolle is what will happen to me, but I do think my healing will lead to awakening. From all of the insight I've gotten about my life path and about my progression towards existential love, I think the universe has prevented me from healing all this time to keep me suffering and to keep deepening my connection to existential love, and I think I will soon reach a point where I am finally able to heal, and I will simultaneously lose myself to existential love and merge with it, and in that way it will be a form of awakening. This really seems to be how things are going to happen, and I think my life has been destined to play out this way

[Tristan12]

Update on my situation: I did MDMA today. I had the idea to take it, but I didn't want to, because it can be addictive and harmful. The last time I took it (6 days ago) was only because I was going to kill myself so I didn't care, so I didn't see any reason to take it again.

However, I had this intuitive sense that I should do it. There wasn't any reason for me to take It other than for the pleasure of it, but I still had this intuition that I should take it. This quote started playing in my mind: "Intellect is always cautious and advises, "beware too much ecstasy", whereas love says 'oh never mind! Take the plunge!'. I still felt like it wasn't a good idea, like by doing it I'm risking getting addicted, but then I had the feeling that again I am too afraid of harming my life. I don't trust that the universe will take care of me and make things work out, and so I am being overly cautious.

So I ended up taking it only because I wanted to follow my intuition. When I measured the first scoop, it was 80mg. I didn't want to do too much, I wanted to do 60mg, but I was having such a hard time trying to scoop some out and bring it to 60mg, that I eventually I just said never mind, and I felt like this was also a sign from the universe, so I stuck with that larger dose. (It ended up being a perfect dose).

I won't go through the details of the whole trip, but basically, it ended up giving me a huge amount of insight on what I need to do moving forwards with my life. I never thought of MDMA as being a substance with a lot of intelligence to it, I saw it more as something you take for pleasure, but the amount of insights I got was crazy.

I don't think the insights were coming from the drug, I think what happened is that the love and pleasure of MDMA is a very similar frequency to my connection to existential love, and the two of them blending together allowed me to access a crazy amount of existential love, in ways that I've never felt it before, and I was simultaneously getting tons of insights and information on my relationship with this love and what I need to do moving forwards in my life. Because of how deep the love was, I also had moments where I could feel myself about to awaken. There was a moment where I felt like I was about to have a God-realization deeper than anything I've ever experienced on 5-MeO-DMT, which is crazy.

I won't go into detail on what I learned from the trip, but overall it was incredible and felt absolutely amazing, and it gave me so much guidance. I didn't even want to do MDMA, and logically it seemed like a bad idea for me to be doing that again considering how susceptible I am to addiction, but I trusted my intuition and did the trip, and it helped me a ton.