Awakening after being on the edge of suicide

[Tristan12]

13 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

You don't even know what that would be like so how could you feel that that would be better.  

You're right, I don't know, it's just a guess, but I am still confident in that guess. The only reason I'm alive is because I'm unable to kill myself. I constantly wish I was dead and I would have killed myself a long time ago if I was able to.

Starving people in Africa continue to live their lives, reproduce and have families and everything. Of course like you said I know nothing about their situation and so I am just speculating, but if all of those people where in so much pain that they were as suicidal as I am, wouldn't they all have killed themselves by now? The pain has been bad for them, but not bad enough to push out every single little desire for life and survival, the way it has for me.

The fact that starving people in Africa, people in war torn countries, people who have lost limbs, the fact that they don't all kill themselves any chance they get makes me feel like they haven't suffered as deeply as I have. As I said, I'm not depressed, so I'm not suicidal just from an innate sense of hopelessness and meaninglessness. I'm a strong person, I'm very passionate about life, I've wanted to be alive and do something great with my life, but I have been crushed and destroyed sheerly from extreme levels of suffering for such a long amount of time. How could all these people have endured more suffering than me and still go on to live their lives? 

26 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

do not compare yourself to someone else's suffering because you don't know what that is.

So people on this forum shouldn't compare other people's suffering to mine, saying other people have it worse than me, because they haven't lived my life and they don't know what I've experienced

[Tristan12]

1 hour ago, Daniel Balan said:

I came to the conclusion that only physical pain is worth being considered as pain. To me having depression is a luxury.

1 hour ago, Daniel Balan said:

If you don't have any physical impairment, you have no right to be depressed.

You clearly don't understand just how severe mental health issues can get.

1 hour ago, Daniel Balan said:

Could you please share here what is the cause of your psihological pain?

My condition is really deep and complex, it's hard to explain and understand. Ultimately everything was caused by trauma, and it has deepened and worsened a lot over the years.

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 I see you are doing great improvements. 5 Meo DMT and 5 Meo malt  in my opinion are great. Ketamin is overrated I think compared to 5 Meo in terms of healing. It just gives short time relief. But that's my personal experience, I could be wrong.

Also thank you for sharing your journey with us. It must be annoying to you that some people here don't understand your situation. Mental health is too complex and some here think they know, but they don't know.

Edited Saturday at 05:06 PM by OBEler

[Inliytened1]

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

You're right, I don't know, it's just a guess, but I am still confident in that guess. The only reason I'm alive is because I'm unable to kill myself. 

 

Perhaps that's because you want to live.  Have you tried SSRis?  They aren't psychedelics but they do help.  I know you said you had trauma but you don't always have to face the trauma head on you can just remove it from the surface of your mind as if it never existed.   Because it didn't.   Meds can help with that if the trauma is too much to look at head on.  That way you can still function and be happy.

Edited Saturday at 05:23 PM by Inliytened1

[Beans]

5 hours ago, Daniel Balan said:

 

This isn’t a who has it worse Olympics. Pain is pain. No matter how it differs. When someone is suffering to the extent they want to kill themselves comments like this. Does the complete opposite of helping. It in fact can make it even more worse and push someone to kill themselves sooner. 
 

people want compassion and understanding. 
people just wanna feel heard.

 

[Tristan12]

22 minutes ago, OBEler said:

@Tristan12 I see you are doing great improvements. 5 Meo DMT and 5 Meo malt  in my opinion are great. Ketamin is overrated I think compared to 5 Meo in terms of healing. It just gives short time relief. But that's my personal experience, I could be wrong.

Also thank you for sharing your journey with us. It must be annoying to you that some people here don't understand your situation. Mental health is too complex and some here think they know, but they don't know.

Thank you. Yeah it is annoying, but I've been dealing with it for years so I am used to it at this point. I haven't been through any overt abuse in my life, and the traumas that I've been through don't seem like they would be that difficult, so it's always been very difficult to get people to understand how much pain I'm in. My pain is still as deep and real as I say it is whether people believe it or not.

I walk this path alone, and my connection to existential love/my higher self makes me feel that there is something that truly knows and understands me, and so it doesn't matter if other people understand or care about my situation or not. When I connect with existential love, I am met with more compassion and understanding than any human could ever give me. I appreciate when people can be understanding and empathetic towards me as well, but it's not a big deal if they're not.

[Beans]

5 hours ago, Daniel Balan said:

Bro don't kill yourself. Life is war! Everyday is a war to stay alive. If you kill yourself you basically acknowledge to the universe that you are a loser. I don't know about you but the thing I hate most is defeat and losers. I wake up everyday to go to work for 30$ a day. AND I AM HAPPY! I am happy that I am still alive! I am happy that I get to fight everyday just to earn food for myself and my grandmother and mother. I considered many times killing myself. But I then tought of all the people who are living hell in hospitals, that have no limbs, that have terrible serious burn injuries on their bodies, people that are held hostage in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives... And those people fight with all their might everyday just to not surrender to death. And they would give everything to be in your position, an able bodied male that has "depression". Fuck depression, depression is for losers, try going 3 weeks without food on your table! It happened to me after I lost my job a few years ago. And then you will appreciate every second you can breath air into your lungs and every sip of water and every little piece of food you have on your table. 

Look at all the people who were burned alive! In less than 90 seconds those people went from being normal to becoming ash. And they would have given everything to come back from the grave and be just as "depressed" as you are. 

Next time you feel like killing yourself remeber that others have had their flesh bured to the bone. And you sit there all entitled to happiness. Be happy for everyday you have survived. Survival is not something you can be entitled to.

 

 

 

You were conditioned to think this way. 
calling people losers and “defeated”  who feel suicidal and depressed is absolutely immoral. It’s like kicking an injured person down.

if anything your a victim who was forced to retreat into this mindset. Perhaps to save yourself, from ending up in the same mindset of wanting to kill yourself. 
you should be building your brothers and sisters up. Not giving them a knife to finish the job. This is the mindset the elites/mega rich people who exploit you and your labor wants. For us to tear down each other. 
Remember 

it’s not left vs right 

it’s up vs down. 

[Beans]

4 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

About a month ago I could sense the presence of this higher self so much, that I took 5-MeO-DMT with the intention of trying to see it and understand it more. On the trip I left human life, I saw life as a dream, and I came face to face with my higher self. I could feel the presence of it right there in front of me. I was sitting on my bed holding my arms out saying "I love you!" trying to hug it. It was so beautiful and made me so happy, because I could feel that it loves me and it is taking care of me, and it is directing my life. I remember asking it if it could please tone down the suffering because this is way too much. Its response was (through feeling, not words) "no, sorry. You need to go through whatever you need to go through to get where you're meant to be, and nothing will get in the way of that".

This is beautiful.

Keep seeking this. Nurture your body and soul, because that spirit dwells inside you. It’s small and powerful. Though it needs you to nurture and keep the fire alive. 
 

My friend. Don’t give up. Life is difficult, but as someone who was also suicidal and depressed. I promise you. Life is worth while. And sometimes it gets worse before things get better.  
 

Wishing you the best 

[Daniel Balan]

2 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

The fact that starving people in Africa, people in war torn countries, people who have lost limbs, the fact that they don't all kill themselves any chance they get makes me feel like they haven't suffered as deeply as I have.

Enough mister nice guy. Bro you are totally off the rails. If every being thought like you the earth wouldn't have had even microbial life. Let alone animals, homosapiens, and advanced civilization as we have now. 

I'm sorry to say this to you but the tendecy to surrender is a genetic disposition amongst the weakest individuals of a species.

If all the people on earth would think like you we would have gone extinct long before reaching the homosapiens evolution stage.

The people in Africa endure 1000 times the pain you endure, yet they give 0 fucks about how they feel. All they care about is to gather just enough food so that they don't starve! And that their kids don't starve. For them happiness is being alive.  Yet you most probably live a confy life and you take all survival matters for granted. You don't appreciate how good you have it. 

You need to touch grass immediately.

You are tottaly disconnected to what it means to work a hole day in the scoarching sun just to have money for food. 

I am not sorry if this offended you. But you need some tough love.

 

[Tristan12]

36 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

Perhaps that's because you want to live.  Have you tried SSRis?  They aren't psychedelics but they do help.  I know you said you had trauma but you don't always have to face the trauma head on you can just remove it from the surface of your mind as it never existed.   Because it didn't.   Meds can help with that if the trauma is too much to look at head on.  That way you can still function and be happy.

It's interesting you say that, because I've noticed in moments when I've come really close to killing myself, when I'm actually about to take action and do it, I don't really want to. In that moment I can see that all of this talk of wanting to kill myself is just mental chatter and a mind game. I am obsessed with the idea of killing myself because it feels like the only way I can have control over the amount of pain I'm in, and the only way I can get relief, but when I actually am about to do it, I don't really want to end my life. My suicidal thoughts are just a coping strategy.

All of this suicidal ideation is just the ego panicking and freaking out, but beneath the ego, my being does not have a problem with life and is totally on board with it.

When I start to really consider killing myself, the way I feel is that it's so obvious that everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, I am on a journey towards truth and love, and so of course I need to keep going and there is no way I could kill myself. I also feel like there is still so much more I could do to resolve my situation, and I wouldn't really have a reason to kill myself unless I was utterly trapped in my suffering with no possible way out. I also have so much potential for what I could do with my life. I can't throw all of that away.

My mind starts pointing out all of that to me when I get close to killing myself. I try not to think about those things and shut out those thoughts, but it just doesn't work. My intuition that this is all happening for a reason and I need to keep going is so strong and overbearing that I physically cannot get past it.

I remember I had this moment I think about 6 weeks ago, I was driving, listening to music, and I entered this altered state of consciousness where I lost touch with my human self, and I felt like I was embodying existential love. From this perspective, it felt like my passion and love for life was at an all time high. The suffering I go through makes no difference to this part of me, if anything it just makes it fall deeper in love. No matter how much I get the shit kicked out of me by life, this part of me is deeply, endlessly, passionately in love. The love and passion just courses through my veins, and I am happy as ever.

It's clear that all of this suffering I've been through is just my ego getting killed off so that my higher self can come through me. Of course I will kick and scream and talk about how much I hate life and how much I want to kill myself, but in reality, I am at no risk of harming myself, because deep down, my heart is madly, truly, endlessly in love, and I am not going anywhere.

From what I said in the original post in this thread, I really feel like I am getting close to the point where all of this hell will finally be over, and my human self will fall away. So I think I am almost done. I need to follow my heart, follow my intuition, follow what my connection to existential love tells me to do. That is the only thing that matters. There is no need for therapy, no need for SSRIs, no need to play it safe or choose the sensible option. Following my heart is the only thing that matters, and that is the only thing I will do.

[Tristan12]

5 minutes ago, Daniel Balan said:

Enough mister nice guy. Bro you are totally off the rails. If every being thought like you the earth wouldn't have had even microbial life. Let alone animals, homosapiens, and advanced civilization as we have now. 

I'm sorry to say this to you but the tendecy to surrender is a genetic disposition amongst the weakest individuals of a species.

If all the people on earth would think like you we would have gone extinct long before reaching the homosapiens evolution stage.

The people in Africa endure 1000 times the pain you endure, yet they give 0 fucks about how they feel. All they care about is to gather just enough food so that they don't starve! And that their kids don't starve. For them happiness is being alive.  Yet you most probably live a confy life and you take all survival matters for granted. You don't appreciate how good you have it. 

You need to touch grass immediately.

You are tottaly disconnected to what it means to work a hole day in the scoarching sun just to have money for food. 

I am not sorry if this offended you. But you need some tough love.

 

This is not tough love, this is ignorance and delusion. You're lucky I'm used to people saying these kinds of things to me and it doesn't bother me anymore, because a comment like this could easily push a suicidal person over the edge. 

[Daniel Balan]

A psychologically healthy being, when faced with suffering, it fights tooth and nail to change the circumstances that cause the suffering. That being doesn't kill itself. That's why the people in Africa don't kill themselves. All they want is to survive. It doesn't even cross their mind to commit suicide. They want to be victorious against death, not to succumb to it.

[Tristan12]

37 minutes ago, Beans said:

This is beautiful.

Keep seeking this. Nurture your body and soul, because that spirit dwells inside you. It’s small and powerful. Though it needs you to nurture and keep the fire alive. 
 

My friend. Don’t give up. Life is difficult, but as someone who was also suicidal and depressed. I promise you. Life is worth while. And sometimes it gets worse before things get better.  
 

Wishing you the best 

Thank you, I appreciate it

[Tristan12]

1 minute ago, Daniel Balan said:

A psychologically healthy being, when faced with suffering, it fights tooth and nail to change the circumstances that cause the suffering. That being doesn't kill itself. That's why the people in Africa don't kill themselves. All they want is to survive. It doesn't even cross their mind to commit suicide. They want to be victorious against death, not to succumb to it.

I have been going through this hell for almost 8 years, and I haven't been seriously suicidal until the last 2 years or so. So I have fought hard to change my situation for years. But eventually, as time passes, the suffering gets deeper, nothing you do works to change your situation, you naturally become suicidal, because that feels like the only way out.

It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about it. You're entitled to your own opinion. I'm just saying it's not helpful to me, but thanks for trying

[Tristan12]

@Leo Gura @Inliytened1 Can you or anyone else help me out with this? I am working on getting better at surrendering because I can tell it is something I need to learn how to do at this point. When I did 5-MeO-DMT the other day, I was trying to surrender deeper, and I was getting better at it, but the main fear that I have is that if I totally let go of control, 100%, and merge with the universe, then I could end up in some painful hell realm, and not have any control to be able to get myself out of it. What would you say in response to this? I want to hear from someone who has gone through ego death and been on the other side of full surrender, to know if I really have anything to worry about by letting go completely.

[Daniel Balan]

Have you tried accepting your suffering? Come to peace with it. All I say to you is to realize that unless you are physically injured you shouldn't have a reason to be as crestfallen as you are right now! 

Me personally after almost dying because of covid, I can no longer fuck, AT ALL, for 4 years almost. My dick is not going up at all. And I am very depressed about it, but it never crossed my mind to commit suicide. I do my best to enjoy other aspects of life. I try to do things that make me happy. I accepted that I will probably never be able to fuck again and I am at peace. I suggest you do the same.

[Daniel Balan]

@Tristan12 And if my take made you feel worse, I am sorry. I didn't meant to make you feel bad. I just gave you my mindset that allowed me to be more resilient in the face of suffering. I reckon that all the hugs and compassion approach isn't giving you any improvement s, so I gave a more stage blue approach. If I made you feel bad please disregard everything I said. And please stay alive. 

[PolyPeter]

13 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

@Leo Gura @Inliytened1 Can you or anyone else help me out with this? I am working on getting better at surrendering because I can tell it is something I need to learn how to do at this point. When I did 5-MeO-DMT the other day, I was trying to surrender deeper, and I was getting better at it, but the main fear that I have is that if I totally let go of control, 100%, and merge with the universe, then I could end up in some painful hell realm, and not have any control to be able to get myself out of it. What would you say in response to this? I want to hear from someone who has gone through ego death and been on the other side of full surrender, to know if I really have anything to worry about by letting go completely.

Hey Tristan!!! I hope this words can get to you. 

a couple of minutes ago I was having a discussion with a friend, in which I found that I can let my mind wander to whatever it wants to wander, and still not identify with whatever comes as an appearance within it. 

this may sound abstract, but some of the practical implications are that it allowed my self to not worry about what I was worrying about, and instead just observe for whatever time it need to think the thoughts. and then going on about my day without having to react or interact with the idea I had. 

this sense of knowing that I am the one knowing my thoughts instead of my thoughts, allowed me to stop a vicious negative thinking cycle. 

not by trying to think any better thoughts, but by recontextualizing that I am the I am, the observer, and not what is observed.
 

it might resonate or might not. what are your thoughts on this thoughts ?

[Tristan12]

1 hour ago, PolyPeter said:

it might resonate or might not. what are your thoughts on this thoughts ?

Thanks for the advice, but it doesn't really give me assurance that I would be okay on the other side of full surrender. I think it can be a good strategy to deal with negative thought spirals though 

[Inliytened1]

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

@Leo Gura @Inliytened1 Can you or anyone else help me out with this? I am working on getting better at surrendering because I can tell it is something I need to learn how to do at this point. When I did 5-MeO-DMT the other day, I was trying to surrender deeper, and I was getting better at it, but the main fear that I have is that if I totally let go of control, 100%, and merge with the universe, then I could end up in some painful hell realm, and not have any control to be able to get myself out of it. What would you say in response to this? I want to hear from someone who has gone through ego death and been on the other side of full surrender, to know if I really have anything to worry about by letting go completely.

It's Infinite Consciousness which is equivalent to Infinite Love.   So all the fear is an illusion.  But remember that's not a license to go and harm the physical body.   No need for that when there is ego death.  And that doesn't even require psychedelics it can just be self inquiry meditation. 

Edited Saturday at 08:42 PM by Inliytened1