Awakening after being on the edge of suicide

[Davino]

2 hours ago, Inliytened1 said:

The only way I can describe it is the slow dismantling of the ego. 

It feels like they are ripping apart clothes that were stuck and compressing you for so long. 

[Leo Gura]

@Davino Don't tell a suicidal person to do salvia! For fuck's sake.

Salvia is nightmare fuel.

Edited Saturday at 10:20 AM by Leo Gura

[Davino]

@Leo Gura It can be very dangerous yes. But some user reports that it actually flips the situation, like minus times minus is positive. Although others lose their minds, it's true.

Probably bad advice, it's better to stick to the safe. Ketamine might be a better option.

[The Crocodile]

Salvia was banned in Delaware after some guy smoked it and then committed suicide.

Though I've also seen a case of someone who used to be really depressed and numb, but when they smoked salvia they felt the extreme fear, and it was good because they felt something for the first time in a long time. And they ended up appreciating their little human life a lot more, not less.

[Vynce]

40 minutes ago, The Crocodile said:

Salvia was banned in Delaware after some guy smoked it and then committed suicide.

Though I've also seen a case of someone who used to be really depressed and numb, but when they smoked salvia they felt the extreme fear, and it was good because they felt something for the first time in a long time. And they ended up appreciating their little human life a lot more, not less.

That’s not how depression works. 
 

It can have many reasons, but fundamentally, chronic depression is inflicted by the nervous systems if something major in life doesn’t coincide with one’s interests, core values or if a major need is not met. 
 

Often it’s just lack of introspection and self knowledge that keeps one from accessing these topics. That’s why psychotherapy helps.

Dumping complex whacky psychedelics at a depressed person, will make it worse it almost 100% cases. 
 

It’s evident that you have not done any research into depression on your side.

Edited Saturday at 11:55 AM by Vynce

[The Crocodile]

Just now, Vynce said:

That’s not how depression works. 

Wow, you know how every case of depression works.

[Vynce]

5 minutes ago, The Crocodile said:

Wow, you know how every case of depression works.

I know something about it since I had severe depressive episodes in the past. 
 

Psychedelics made it worse in almost every case. 

[The Crocodile]

Just now, Vynce said:

I know something about it since I had severe depressive episodes in the past. 
 

Psychedelics made it worse in almost every case. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

Yes, a lot of depressed people are selfish bastards.

And they cannot imagine that other people have different situations than them.

Such that somebody, somewhere could take psychedelics, including a terrifying warping one like salvia and just get better from it.

Considering there are over eight-billion, over 8,000,000,000 people on the planet, over 8 billion people.

You know psychedelics are used to treat depression, right? You heard of that? That's a new one.

Are you doubting the veracity of the story?

1 person takes salvia --> thinks life is meaningless, gets depressed, kills himself. 1 other person takes salvia --> gets scared, gets shocked, stops being depressed, life is rendered more meaningful. Both of these stories are totally true.

[Vynce]

6 minutes ago, The Crocodile said:

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

Yes, a lot of depressed people are selfish bastards.

And they cannot imagine that other people have different situations than them.

Such that somebody, somewhere could take psychedelics, including a terrifying warping one like salvia and just get better from it.

Considering there are over eight-billion, over 8,000,000,000 people on the planet, over 8 billion people.

You know psychedelics are used to treat depression, right? You heard of that? That's a new one.

Are you doubting the veracity of the story?

1 person takes salvia --> thinks life is meaningless, gets depressed, kills himself. 1 other person takes salvia --> gets scared, gets shocked, stops being depressed, life is rendered more meaningful. Both of these stories are totally true.

That’s what I used to think about depression as well. I think it was Tim Ferris who first started to cover a lot of stories where psychedelics like ayahuasca and Iboga could help with depression. And although they do have a use case for addiction problems, it showed that for depression they are mostly useless. With the risk of introducing new psychiatric conditions.
 

Only Ketamine is used here and there for treatment resistant depression. But In about 98% of the cases, traditional anti-depressants, psychotherapy and psychosomatic therapy is preferred. 

- 

By the way. I’m not against psychedelics per se. But throwing them at every psychological problem is just lunacy. 

[The Crocodile]

Just now, Vynce said:

But throwing them at every psychological problem is just lunacy. 

Oh okay, from that perspective you are right. This person doing more psychedelics is probably an awful idea.

[Daniel Balan]

Bro don't kill yourself. Life is war! Everyday is a war to stay alive. If you kill yourself you basically acknowledge to the universe that you are a loser. I don't know about you but the thing I hate most is defeat and losers. I wake up everyday to go to work for 30$ a day. AND I AM HAPPY! I am happy that I am still alive! I am happy that I get to fight everyday just to earn food for myself and my grandmother and mother. I considered many times killing myself. But I then tought of all the people who are living hell in hospitals, that have no limbs, that have terrible serious burn injuries on their bodies, people that are held hostage in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives... And those people fight with all their might everyday just to not surrender to death. And they would give everything to be in your position, an able bodied male that has "depression". Fuck depression, depression is for losers, try going 3 weeks without food on your table! It happened to me after I lost my job a few years ago. And then you will appreciate every second you can breath air into your lungs and every sip of water and every little piece of food you have on your table. 

Look at all the people who were burned alive! In less than 90 seconds those people went from being normal to becoming ash. And they would have given everything to come back from the grave and be just as "depressed" as you are. 

Next time you feel like killing yourself remeber that others have had their flesh bured to the bone. And you sit there all entitled to happiness. Be happy for everyday you have survived. Survival is not something you can be entitled to.

 

 

 

Edited Saturday at 12:44 PM by Daniel Balan

[Tristan12]

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Tristan12 Please be careful man. You're worrying me.

You need to seek outside help for your situation.

This psychedelic path will easily turn into an addiction here.

You don't see just how much involvement there is in my life from my higher self (I don't really know what to call it, that term feels appropriate). There is such an intelligence that is guiding and directing my life, it has been this way for years but its involvement gets more and more obvious and clear over time.

I can feel its presence through the insane amount of synchronicities that happen in my life, and how no matter how hard I try to kill myself, I never end up doing it and I continue on this path. My connection to existential love continues to get deeper, I continue to get closer to awakening. Everything that happens is so deeply meant to be.

About a month ago I could sense the presence of this higher self so much, that I took 5-MeO-DMT with the intention of trying to see it and understand it more. On the trip I left human life, I saw life as a dream, and I came face to face with my higher self. I could feel the presence of it right there in front of me. I was sitting on my bed holding my arms out saying "I love you!" trying to hug it. It was so beautiful and made me so happy, because I could feel that it loves me and it is taking care of me, and it is directing my life. I remember asking it if it could please tone down the suffering because this is way too much. Its response was (through feeling, not words) "no, sorry. You need to go through whatever you need to go through to get where you're meant to be, and nothing will get in the way of that".

I remember when I spoke with you a year ago and told you about the connection with existential love I have developed, you didn't take it seriously, and you thought that I was intentionally putting myself through suffering like those old christian mystics with those painful vests they would wear. This is not like that at all. All of the suffering I have endured in my life is deeply meant to be, it is my path to awakening, and the longer I stay on this path the clearer this becomes.

If I was actually going to kill myself, it would have happened a long time ago. This higher self will not let me die, no matter how hard I try. I am close to a huge breakthrough, to a huge awakening into existential love. There have been so many signs lately that show this, and what I wrote in my original post about what I experienced on MDMA the other day shows what I need to do to get there.

I am at no risk of harming myself, I'm not going to seek a therapist or external help. I will read through the responses in this thread and consider any advice, but ultimately I know what is right for myself, I trust my intuition and the path that I am on, and I know it will work out.

I feel like through writing out this response to convince you that I will be fine, I am also convincing myself that I will be fine, and I am convincing myself to fully trust in the universe, fully surrender to its guidance. I need to let go of any external advice, any logical thoughts of what I need to do in my life, and listen to my heart, and nothing else. As long as I do that, I will be perfectly fine.

 

"The word courage is very interesting.  It comes from a Latin root cor, which means ‘heart’.  So to be courageous means to live with the heart.  And weaklings, only weaklings, live with the head; afraid, they create a security of logic around themselves.  Fearful, they close every window and door – with theology, concepts, words, theories – and inside those closed doors and windows, they hide.

The way of the heart is the way of courage.  It is to live in insecurity; it is to live in love, and trust; it is to move in the unknown.  It is leaving the past and allowing the future to be.  Courage is to move on dangerous paths.  Life is dangerous, and only cowards can avoid the danger – but then, they are already dead.  A person who is alive, really alive, vitally alive, will always move into the unknown.  There is danger there, but he will take the risk.  The heart is always ready to take the risk, the heart is a gambler.  The head is a businessman. The head always calculates – it is cunning.  The heart is non-calculating.” - Osho

[Applegarden8]

@Tristan12 thanks for sharing.

[Tristan12]

8 hours ago, Inliytened1 said:

@Tristan12. i believe there is help via ketamine treatments under strict doctor's supervision if it gets dire enough.  This could awaken you and also resolve the depression. 

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

He is trying to use psychedelics to solve his depression

I don't have depression. My suicidal tendencies are akin to a person being physically tortured and desperately wishing to be dead to escape the pain. That doesn't mean they have depression. Depressed people feel sadness, meaninglessness, they are bed ridden, they have no motivation to work towards anything or move their lives forwards. That is not me at all. I work my ass off to resolve my situation, I am highly motivated and passionate, it's just that the pain is so deep and has gone on for so long, and no matter how hard I try I haven't been able to heal myself and resolve my situation. The pain is excruciating and it destroys me, it makes me hate life so much and want to be dead more than anything. But in moments when my pain lightens up, my passion and motivation comes back.

But also, I spent all my money doing ayahuasca. I definitely don't have any money to do ketamine therapy

[Tristan12]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Davino Don't tell a suicidal person to do salvia! For fuck's sake.

Salvia is nightmare fuel.

Hahaha don't worry I'm not going to do salvia lol

[Tristan12]

3 hours ago, Davino said:

Be careful with MDMA. You can get hooked on it and make your situation worse. Twice a year max.

I said in the original post that I only used MDMA because I was going to kill myself that day and I was doing it just to enjoy myself. I was intentionally not being careful with it

[Tristan12]

1 hour ago, Daniel Balan said:

Bro don't kill yourself. Life is war! Everyday is a war to stay alive. If you kill yourself you basically acknowledge to the universe that you are a loser. I don't know about you but the thing I hate most is defeat and losers. I wake up everyday to go to work for 30$ a day. AND I AM HAPPY! I am happy that I am still alive! I am happy that I get to fight everyday just to earn food for myself and my grandmother and mother. I considered many times killing myself. But I then thought of all the people who are living hell in hospitals, that have no limbs, that have terrible serious burn injuries on their bodies, people that are held hostage in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives... And those people fight with all their might everyday just to not surrender to death. And they would give everything to be in your position, an able bodied male that has "depression". Fuck depression, depression is for losers, try going 3 weeks without food on your table! It happened to me after I lost my job a few years ago. And then you will appreciate every second you can breath air into your lungs and every sip of water and every little piece of food you have on your table. 

Look at all the people who were burned alive! In less than 90 seconds those people went from being normal to becoming ash. And they would have given everything to come back from the grave and be just as "depressed" as you are. 

Next time you feel like killing yourself remeber that others have had their flesh bured to the bone. And you sit there all entitled to happiness. Be happy for everyday you have survived. Survival is not something you can be entitled to.

Dude, with all due respect, you know nothing about my situation. First of all, I don't have depression, and second of all, you have no idea how deep the pain I've been through is. You don't know what that pain does to a person. I could care less about being a loser, about being a coward, about disappointing and hurting people from my death, even about doing what is morally right. The pain gets so bad and so deep, goes on for so long and is so endless, that I get into situations where I would do whatever I possibly can to end my life and escape it, no matter the consequences. I certainly don't care about being a loser just because I killed myself. lol.

I have developed such a deep, seething hatred for human life. It's like my body shakes in anger and disgust at this life. That's great if you can manage to be happy in a difficult situation, but I can't do that, and it's abusive to myself to expect myself to do that. I would go insane trying to make myself be happy while going through what I am.

I’ve always been super passionate about life and wanted to make something amazing out of it, I’m strong and willing to take on challenge and difficulty, it takes A LOT to make me want to kill myself and give up on life, and yet I have been ground to a pulp and gotten to a point where I am on my knees begging for mercy, begging for this life to be over.

I firmly believe that if all of my mental health issues were gone and I became a starving child in Africa, or was placed in a war-torn country, or was in a hospital with missing limbs or burn injuries, I really believe I would be suffering less than I am now.

You can’t tell me that plenty of people have it worse than me and would want to trade places with me. Who would trade places with someone who wants to be dead more than anything? Someone who is desperately clawing at the walls of life, begging it to stop, begging for it to be over, balling their eyes out, begging for the pain to end. This has been going on for almost 8 years now. The only reason I am alive is because I am physically unable to kill myself, certainly not because I want to be alive.

You'd be an idiot to think your life would be better trading places with someone like that, and telling me to cheer up and be happy because plenty of people have it worse than me is both incorrect, and only makes me feel worse. So no, people in hospitals with missing limbs and burn injuries would not give everything to be in my position.

I'm sure you meant well with your response, but I completely disagree with what you said in regard to my personal situation.

[Daniel Balan]

@Tristan12 Sorry if I made you feel worse. I gave my best to give you a wake up call. In my opinion after everything I've been through, I came to the conclusion that only physical pain is worth being considered as pain. To me having depression is a luxury. 

And after reading your reply the only thing I can recommend to you is to seek professional help immediately. 

If you don't have any physical impairment, you have no right to be depressed. That's my opinion. And if you do have severe psychological trauma or mental disorders go seek professional help. Don't waste time on forums. Maybe you have a serious condition that makes you feel like you do. If that is the case none of the people here can give you help. 

 

[Daniel Balan]

Could you please share here what is the cause of your psihological pain? What exactly about what you perceive about reality makes you feel so helpless? I'm also a highly sensitive person, maybe I can relate

[Inliytened1]

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

I firmly believe that if all of my mental health issues were gone and I became a starving child in Africa, or was placed in a war-torn country, or was in a hospital with missing limbs or burn injuries

You don't even know what that would be like so how could you feel that that would be better.  

I don't doubt that your torment is real.  Everything is psychological because everything is consciousness.   So someone with lost limbs ultimately suffers only psychologically after the physical pain is gone.  But do not compare yourself to someone else's suffering because you don't know what that is.  If your torment is constant - and there is no hope for treatment - then yes I would feel empathy for you because there is ultimately no solution other than death.   Death is not a bad thing .  But i don't feel like you are there yet.  You're here posting on this forum.  You want help and you can get help.  Solutions can be available to you if you want them.

Edited Saturday at 03:28 PM by Inliytened1