Mushroom Revealed Sexual Abuse

[MsNobody]

So a year ago my friend gave me some APEs he grew and said "Take those, I loved them, I was laughing for hours"

I ended up taking around 2 grams and was in fetal position for hours, Ive had other crazy trips that Ive taken heroic doses before but this one in special revealed a sexual abuse from an uncle of mine.

A little backstory, my uncle had a bar on the 1st story of my grandmas house, (this uncle is my grandmas brother) and of course he was an alcoholic, he lived with my grandma and aunts, typical latin family where everyone lives together, I was his favorite niece and would go to the bar all the time because he also sold candies there, and for some years my dad would never pay when I got things from there, I had a sweet tooth and it bothered him that I went there to get candies aall the time, to the point that my dad started paying for my stuff, the bar was full of drunk old men, I was very little, and I have 0 memories of my childhood cause my dad tried to kill my mom several times. I think in my littl mind the abuse was like an exchange for sweets, this makes me want to throw up..

Back to the mushroom trip, the mushroom showed me really ugly stuff, to the point that I had to vomit because my logical mind could not accept and process evryhing, I was disgusted, everything started making sense, but its all blurry too, the trip was very dark and messy, I called my sister to vent and we started putting things together, and it all made sense, a month after this trip a cousin of mine committed suicide, this cousin was abused by this same uncle when she was 3yo, everyone ignored her mom at the time, cause she is a distant cousin, everything was put under the rug.

The timing of everything was crazy, the trip, the suicide. She died without knowing the abuse, her mom never told her, I remember my grandma saying at the time that it was her fault because she would seat on my uncles lap !!!! Imagine this, she was only 3yo... 8 months ago I decided to talk to my mom about it and she told me that when she divorced, this uncle went to her house and said that if she had sex with him he would give her a house. 

Yesterday was my moms birthday and I called her, the call went south cause I complained she recently traveled with this uncle and is taking care of him (he is super old now) and she revealed the men in her family come from a long lineage of pedophiles, she also wanted me to share details of what I saw in the mushroom trip because she thinks its all my imagination. Im questioning myself and writing this sounds so ridiculous. Im in deep waters right now feeling a misture of disgust, shame, sadness, hatred, and I get into my pattern of eating sweets, how ironic.. (I usually eat very clean, this is a form of self destruct - self sooth).

Ive been considering cutting ties with my whole family because its very toxic for me, Im writing this because I just want to know if anyone had a similar experience, or any opinion of a sane person would help, because Im really questioning my reality, what Ive seen etc.

Ive suffered sexual abuse from an ex bf too that is the reason why I left Brazil 10 years ago.

Ive done years of therapy, many psychedelic experiences, but this feeling of guilt, shame and disgust does not leave me, its like a darkness of those men that was passed down to me and I cant wash it of, I dont hate them, but I do turn the hatred towards myself, specially when in contact with my patriarchal family.

I work with women and all that has happened to me became keys to my work, like a curriculum that I needed to go through so I could do my work better. Its all a piece of the big puzzle and Im nothing but a humble apprentice of this divine orchestrated puzzle but what the fuckkkk

[Yimpa]

34 minutes ago, MsNobody said:

So a year ago my friend gave me some APEs he grew and said "Take those, I loved them, I was laughing for hours"

What are APEs?

[MsNobody]

39 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

What are APEs?

Albino Penis Envy mushrooms 

[gambler]

Wow. I’m speechless. I feel like after reading this I need to offer my sympathies, but I don’t feel like that’s enough. I hope someone can help you make sense of this. 

[integral]

I’m sorry to hear this, i’m surprised that you experienced such a difficult childhood because you seem very healthy and grounded overall.

Why does something that happened in the past still play A role in your life today?

You physically distance yourself from it (New country).

What are you holding onto?

Why does it have a meaning in your life or why do you put meaning in it if it happened such a long time ago and experienced by a completely different version of you.

[MsNobody]

@integral thank you, I found Leo’s channel right when I moved to US. His content and the people in the forum helped me tremendously, I’ve met some in person as well, such a beautiful community. Very grateful for@Leo Gura 

Those are good questions, thank you. My paperwork just got approved to go to Brazil, so I think after 10 years, the thought of going back there is bringing this stuff to the surface. 
Because of your questions I also noticed a part of me wants my mom to see how irresponsible to leave me with my uncle alone and was, she did mention in the call that her and my dad were very naive, but there is a part of me that is mad. 
 

I guess I’m holding onto an old version of me, I think this whole situation was the universe giving me an opportunity to peel an old layer. 
 

I think the main thing I need to deal with and process now is the anger. I’m very upset about how my whole family is very blind to everything, part of me wishes that they would open their eyes and right now I’m not in a place of compassion for them, or for myself. Need to work on that 

[Beans]

2 hours ago, MsNobody said:

Ive been considering cutting ties with my whole family because its very toxic for me, Im writing this because I just want to know if anyone had a similar experience, or any opinion of a sane person would help, because Im really questioning my reality, what Ive seen etc.

I’ve been debating the same question for myself. 
I have extremely little patience when it comes down to sexual abuse, but still struggle actively advocating for myself without bursting into tears. 
 

now for the known pedophiles in my family

they’re dead to me. And completely cut off in my eyes. 

for those who condone and excuse their cut off. 
which is partly why I have little to no relationship with my parents. And that doesn’t seem to bother them either. They never call, text or check up on me. So I don’t bother. 
I mean do I wish I did? Of course what child doesn’t want their parents love or support. 
 

Though when I opened up about my abuse to my mom she didn’t believe me, because I’ve never said anything until the death of my great grandfather. When I became a complete emotional wreck. 
 

I told my dad about it, and he didn’t do anything. 
still talks to those known pedophiles, still invites them over, etc. 

 

Though if I say I’m openly queer that’s the only time they will oppose and denounce me. Crazy how thats where they draw the line. 
 

I haven’t completely cut my parents off, but I’ve completely distance myself from them. And grey stone them when they’re misbehaving. 
 

sorry that you went through that as a survivor of sexual assault I can relate to your pain. 

today there was an incident where someone was listening to porn very loudly and it triggered the fuck out of me. I was mortified and disgusted. My cousin on my mom’s side use to trick me into playing hide and seek with my siblings and I just to lure me away, then hide us in a spot me not knowing what we’re doing I assumed we’re playing 

and when we’re alone they would assault me. 
I didn’t understand what was happening. I completely froze. Other incidents would be him showing me porn. And telling me to look, but I would always look away and feel disgusted and uncomfortable. 
 

today some random man was playing porn very loudly. 
and I was the only one who realized it until I asked @Yimpa if they heard it wasn’t until then they could. 
 

I was extremely shaken up and traumatized 

I reported it to someone and they were asking me where I was standing I showed them, but then the person asked me to walk down the hall to investigate, but that’s when I said no that I didn’t feel comfortable and that I feel unsafe. 
it wasn’t until I told @Yimpa that I wanted the car keys, because I had to get out of there asap. 
 

I felt really invalidated by the person who wanted me to investigate with them, because they didn’t take my concern seriously. And when I said I didn’t feel comfortable or safe they ignored that. I felt so alone and isolated. That I just broke down and sobbed. 

[How to be wise]

@MsNobody Quite a fun story. 

Sex with children may seem like an aberration, but it was actually the norm for most of our history. It is a western innovation that sex with children is evil. 

[MsNobody]

@How to be wise Im sure Ram Dass would agree its evil  

[MsNobody]

@How to be wise thank God we have evolved and now it is indeed an aberration. Im sorry that you are at this place internally that you need to come here and comment this kind of thing, must be a very dark place to live. 

[MsNobody]

@Beans Im very sorry you went through that, I share your pain. Men will never know what we feel until they incarnate as a woman. 

The worst thing we can do is be silent, so I speak up. Its my medicine. 

My parents are the same, Im the only one calling. I think we already have our answers. To heal we need to be away from the place we got hurt. 

 

Edited Friday at 12:39 PM by MsNobody

[Nemra]

@How to be wise, children aren't developed enough to understand and handle the consequences.

[Francis777]

@MsNobody I think studying Leo's video "What is Gaslighting?" would be very appropriate at this time.

With trauma like this and your family in particular, your going to need to learn how to trust yourself before you can navigate through any of it. I too have very little memories from my childhood and I think this is reason, I was constantly manipulated and gaslighted so I never learnt to trust my own experience, and as such, it became a blur.

I would advice against rushing into confronting your family about this, even your mom. If you don't build some kind of solid foundation of trust for yourself which you can rely on first, then you might find that bringing this up with them will just make everything worse for you and you will start to feel helpless again.

[How to be wise]

1 hour ago, MsNobody said:

@How to be wise Im sure Ram Dass would agree its evil  

You should read your signature more often.

[How to be wise]

1 hour ago, MsNobody said:

@How to be wise Im sorry that you are at this place internally that you need to come here and comment this kind of thing, must be a very dark place to live. 

I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was just giving my honest commentary of this situation. I understand it was painful for you. But I can guarantee that you would’ve suffered less if you didn’t buy into the western narrative that it was an unacceptable and traumatic thing.

 

[Francis777]

@How to be wise You can guarantee nothing. 

Edited Friday at 02:17 PM by Francis777

[Nemra]

@MsNobody, stay strong.

@How to be wise, do you understand that a child is different than an adult?

 

 

[MsNobody]

@How to be wise It didn't hurt me, I just felt sorry for you.

If you would show your face instead of hiding behind a spiritual guru maybe I would be more affected, but so far (in my perception of course) you are but another typical spiritual person who thinks that has evolved but instead never actually built an ego to be able to transcend it. 

[shree]

@How to be wise

I hope you never decide to became a therapist. Your patients will jump from a balcony right after the first hour with you.

[integral]

@MsNobody

I experienced many years of health issues, and during that time, a person came into my life who, in a very short period, destroyed my body with permanent damage. It took me years of rehabilitation to regain any quality of life, and during that time, I held a lot of resentment.

But after a while, I realized that life was never going to be perfect. I was never going to have a perfect life; life was never going to play out as expected; life was never going to be as my ego desired it.

It was all shortsightedness and ridiculous expectations that I needed life to go in a very specific way.

After that, suffering still happens, but you just don't care as much that you're in pain or that you're suffering. It just bothers you far less.

This moment and life were always going to be a impermanent huge mess. It was never anything else.

It's messy, dirty, and ugly; there is beauty and love, and that's all part of it.