By BojackHorseman
in Mental Health, Serious Emotional Issues,
Humans are weird. I'm weird. We're all petty, fighting for visions that we'll never be able to reconcile in a neverending fight of hate and egotism.
Everything's the same. There's variations but at past 40 now, I see how it's all the same, again and again, I have no idea how people keep having fun or feeling interested in this.
I just don't feel at my place anymore, everything is so pointless it hurts.
I don't have any children and I don't want them. I've tried forcing myself to think about it, but I instinctively don't like being with them that much (I don't hate them at all. I just don't really care. I feel like most people just have children to have a goal in life and feel like they can live again through them)
I feel like a ghost. A ghost full of regrets of what I didn't accomplish when I was younger and still cared about life (I know people will say you can still do things etc, but it's not the same. The flame is almost all gone and someone my age can't some things either) This is the worst fucking feeling.
I'm at a point where I'm thinking about everything to be "saved". I'm agnostic but thinking about religion so I can drown myself into something and maybe feel some kind of epiphany. I'm thinking about digging into extreme political views on the opposite of mine. I'm thinking about childish things like finding out anything that seems extreme in the occult. Like any of this would be a magic pill that could bring me back to life. I also fear this because I know this is how some desperate people do stupid things and turn from good people to people in hateful sects.
Sorry for the rambling. It's just getting worse every year now, and I have this gut feeling I don't want to be controlled by medication (I've also read a lot of stories where half the time, it doesn't turn out well for various reasons)
Edit : I also feel like despite the kind words people distribute to someone depressed, at some point, you can't be saved anymore. That sounds like an horrible truth no one wants to hear, but I feel like I'm getting there in a way. Something in my gut tells me "it's the end now. Stop trying. It's too late"
Everything's the same. There's variations but at past 40 now, I see how it's all the same, again and again, I have no idea how people keep having fun or feeling interested in this.
I just don't feel at my place anymore, everything is so pointless it hurts.
I don't have any children and I don't want them. I've tried forcing myself to think about it, but I instinctively don't like being with them that much (I don't hate them at all. I just don't really care. I feel like most people just have children to have a goal in life and feel like they can live again through them)
I feel like a ghost. A ghost full of regrets of what I didn't accomplish when I was younger and still cared about life (I know people will say you can still do things etc, but it's not the same. The flame is almost all gone and someone my age can't some things either) This is the worst fucking feeling.
I'm at a point where I'm thinking about everything to be "saved". I'm agnostic but thinking about religion so I can drown myself into something and maybe feel some kind of epiphany. I'm thinking about digging into extreme political views on the opposite of mine. I'm thinking about childish things like finding out anything that seems extreme in the occult. Like any of this would be a magic pill that could bring me back to life. I also fear this because I know this is how some desperate people do stupid things and turn from good people to people in hateful sects.
Sorry for the rambling. It's just getting worse every year now, and I have this gut feeling I don't want to be controlled by medication (I've also read a lot of stories where half the time, it doesn't turn out well for various reasons)
Edit : I also feel like despite the kind words people distribute to someone depressed, at some point, you can't be saved anymore. That sounds like an horrible truth no one wants to hear, but I feel like I'm getting there in a way. Something in my gut tells me "it's the end now. Stop trying. It's too late"
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