Am I taking 5-MeO-DMT too frequently?

[Tristan12]

My main question in this thread is if these moments of craziness I am experiencing are a sign of using the substance too much or a sign of awakening. Nobody has really answered that, but I guess people don't really know.

I have felt very strongly lately that I will have some kind of huge awakening into existential love as a result of healing. It would make a lot of sense, because I have been going through extreme suffering for the past almost 8 years, and it has led to me developing a very deep connection with existential love. It gets deeper over time, and it really feels like this chapter of my life will finish with a huge breakthrough into love, and I think it would make so much sense for that to happen.

The suffering I have been through is so deep and so extreme, that I don't feel like anything in normal life could ever make up for it. I have a seething hared towards human life,  I want to be out of it more than anything. I have been so destroyed and tortured by life that deep in my heart I have this feeling that I am so done with it, I want to leave, no matter how good life could get in the future, it won't make up for what I've been through. This feeling permeates my whole being, I feel it deep in my heart. It's not just some surface level, temporary feeling I have.

My desire to be dead and leave human life is so strong, yet I can't convince myself to kill myself no matter how hard I try, so the only reasonable solution is that I would end up leaving human life through awakening.

This desire to escape human life creates such an obsession with God and existential Love. Love touches me so deeply, just a small amount of it makes me cry so hard. I want to go back to God, I want to feel God's endless love and leave this human life. The fact that this new behaviour has started occurring where I get very crazy, hyper and giddy as a result of touching love, my heart feels extremely open and expansive, love feels so deep, beautiful and hypnotizing, more than ever before, this feels like more progression towards awakening to love, which is totally good.

If I consult my intuition, I feel like these episodes I'm having are a completely good thing, I think I am on my way to a huge awakening. Nobody in this forum so far has commented on or seems to understand what is going on with me and my development towards existential love, so I think my best bet is to trust my intuition, do what feels right to me, and figure out what I need to do by myself.

"It is God's loving kindness to terrify you, in order to bring you to his kingdom of safety" - Rumi

"Love is when God says "I have created everything for you" and you say "I have left everything for you"" - Rumi

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 that sounds life really hit hard on you.

I think you opened a treasure very few here have found yet. Its up to you to keep this treasure and explore it more. I ask me if there are really others here who have the same experience.

I hope I can get that too, need to raise my dose (I vape 1,5 mg) 

Edited Sunday at 12:53 PM by OBEler

[Tristan12]

12 minutes ago, OBEler said:

that sounds life really hit hard on you.

Yeah... you have no idea.

15 minutes ago, OBEler said:

I think you opened a treasure very few here have found yet. Its up to you to keep this treasure and explore it more.

I agree.

One thing I noticed recently as I've gained a lot more awareness into my emotional issues and all of the different nuances and components of it, is that my exact situation is absolutely perfect for reaching love. If you were given the task to give someone a life and a set of traumas and emotional pain that would most effectively lead them to existential love, if you were extremely intelligent and really knew what you were doing, you would create a life that was set up exactly in the way mine is, with the exact emotional pains and traumas I have.

My condition so perfectly leads to love, that it's eerie. It's a feeling that this was created on purpose, like someone has been here and created this. If you came home one day and your house was trashed and you could tell it had been robbed, that feeling you would have of sensing that someone had been there and done all of that, it's that exact same feeling I have when I look at my life and everything about it. It's all happened so intentionally, like some higher power created it all on purpose.

It's only a matter of time before the end goal of awakening to love is reached.

[Loving Radiance]

2 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

My main question in this thread is if these moments of craziness I am experiencing are a sign of using the substance too much or a sign of awakening. Nobody has really answered that, but I guess people don't really know.

I have felt very strongly lately that I will have some kind of huge awakening into existential love as a result of healing. It would make a lot of sense, because I have been going through extreme suffering for the past almost 8 years, and it has led to me developing a very deep connection with existential love. It gets deeper over time, and it really feels like this chapter of my life will finish with a huge breakthrough into love, and I think it would make so much sense for that to happen.

The suffering I have been through is so deep and so extreme, that I don't feel like anything in normal life could ever make up for it. I have a seething hared towards human life,  I want to be out of it more than anything. I have been so destroyed and tortured by life that deep in my heart I have this feeling that I am so done with it, I want to leave, no matter how good life could get in the future, it won't make up for what I've been through. This feeling permeates my whole being, I feel it deep in my heart. It's not just some surface level, temporary feeling I have.

My desire to be dead and leave human life is so strong, yet I can't convince myself to kill myself no matter how hard I try, so the only reasonable solution is that I would end up leaving human life through awakening.

This desire to escape human life creates such an obsession with God and existential Love. Love touches me so deeply, just a small amount of it makes me cry so hard. I want to go back to God, I want to feel God's endless love and leave this human life. The fact that this new behaviour has started occurring where I get very crazy, hyper and giddy as a result of touching love, my heart feels extremely open and expansive, love feels so deep, beautiful and hypnotizing, more than ever before, this feels like more progression towards awakening to love, which is totally good.

If I consult my intuition, I feel like these episodes I'm having are a completely good thing, I think I am on my way to a huge awakening. Nobody in this forum so far has commented on or seems to understand what is going on with me and my development towards existential love, so I think my best bet is to trust my intuition, do what feels right to me, and figure out what I need to do by myself.

"It is God's loving kindness to terrify you, in order to bring you to his kingdom of safety" - Rumi

"Love is when God says "I have created everything for you" and you say "I have left everything for you"" - Rumi

In my experience the line between genuine awakening and psychosis is small when the only thing you have reference to is yourself. I thought I had awakening experiences when in fact looking back now I had HPPD. Parts of my mind didn't function anymore on a daily basis and I glorified it as "being", "no-self" and "collapsing of distinction".

Even if this is awakening, do enough grounding. It's important.

Even if this is awakening, do notice the negative motivation which pushes you towards the psychedelic substance to escape from and avoid this reality. It will bite you. Like you I had strong egoic impulses to not be this person anymore.

 

I asked people on this forum and here are some helpful quotes to distinguish what you experience:

"Awakening impacts your cognition positively, and it adds more clarity to your life.  The opposite with mental illnesses."

"The difference is quality of life, if you don't move forward after a period of time and your life gets worse, it is mental illness."

"There can be thousands of alien and weird states of consciousness, some of them quasi-mystical, but not really the same as full on God-consciousness."

"[Awakening] is not a loss of personal identity but an expansion of your sense of self."

"The difference is that [mental illness] doesn't make me go "Holy fuck! Me and the universe are one!" It's more like "wait... this is weird.""

Edited Sunday at 02:47 PM by Loving Radiance

[Tristan12]

@Loving Radiance That's really helpful, thank you 

[Loving Radiance]

@Tristan12 http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2015/09/are-our-mystical-experiences.html

"Differences arise in how mystics and psychotics describe their experiences.  Mystics describe their experiences as ecstatic and joyful and having serenity, wholeness, transcendence and love. Psychotics are often confused, terrified and highly distressed by their experiences which may incorporate an angry, vengeful, "higher being".

Mystics and psychotics experience a break from normal reality differently.  Mystics long for it and when they return to "normal reality", they share their experiences coherently and function effectively in "the world".  However, for psychotics, this experience is involuntary, usually distressing, and can last for years, moving into progressively deeper states of social isolation.

Differences arise in interpreting the meaning of their experiences. Mystics typically experience a loss of pride and ego, a quieting of the mind and emptying of the self. Psychotics often feel they are a special emissary from God, blessed with an important world message and w/ great healing powers."

Edited Sunday at 07:51 PM by Loving Radiance

[aurum]

6 hours ago, Twentyfirst said:

That's sort of the point 

Sure, but then how do you consistently do them so often?

[Twentyfirst]

14 hours ago, aurum said:

Sure, but then how do you consistently do them so often?

I don't understand what is in the way of you doing them so often...unless it's fear?

They are so fun and rewarding it's hard to stop oneself from doing it

Up to you if you want the problem of doing too much of them or problem of doing too little of them. It's hard to do the exact amount of them

[Grateful Dead]

On 16.3.2025 at 1:39 PM, Tristan12 said:

My main question in this thread is if these moments of craziness I am experiencing are a sign of using the substance too much or a sign of awakening. Nobody has really answered that, but I guess people don't really know.

I have felt very strongly lately that I will have some kind of huge awakening into existential love as a result of healing. It would make a lot of sense, because I have been going through extreme suffering for the past almost 8 years, and it has led to me developing a very deep connection with existential love. It gets deeper over time, and it really feels like this chapter of my life will finish with a huge breakthrough into love, and I think it would make so much sense for that to happen.

The suffering I have been through is so deep and so extreme, that I don't feel like anything in normal life could ever make up for it. I have a seething hared towards human life,  I want to be out of it more than anything. I have been so destroyed and tortured by life that deep in my heart I have this feeling that I am so done with it, I want to leave, no matter how good life could get in the future, it won't make up for what I've been through. This feeling permeates my whole being, I feel it deep in my heart. It's not just some surface level, temporary feeling I have.

My desire to be dead and leave human life is so strong, yet I can't convince myself to kill myself no matter how hard I try, so the only reasonable solution is that I would end up leaving human life through awakening.

This desire to escape human life creates such an obsession with God and existential Love. Love touches me so deeply, just a small amount of it makes me cry so hard. I want to go back to God, I want to feel God's endless love and leave this human life. The fact that this new behaviour has started occurring where I get very crazy, hyper and giddy as a result of touching love, my heart feels extremely open and expansive, love feels so deep, beautiful and hypnotizing, more than ever before, this feels like more progression towards awakening to love, which is totally good.

If I consult my intuition, I feel like these episodes I'm having are a completely good thing, I think I am on my way to a huge awakening. Nobody in this forum so far has commented on or seems to understand what is going on with me and my development towards existential love, so I think my best bet is to trust my intuition, do what feels right to me, and figure out what I need to do by myself.

"It is God's loving kindness to terrify you, in order to bring you to his kingdom of safety" - Rumi

"Love is when God says "I have created everything for you" and you say "I have left everything for you"" - Rumi

I'm sorry if my answer was a bit unclear, but it's also difficult to assess a situation like this just online. 

When I read your texts, it seems to me that you're at a point where, as you say yourself, you can trust your intuition fairly well. It's best to let love guide you, but you should still always be careful to be honest with yourself. 

To put it a little more clearly, it sounds to me like you're on the path to healing and are really beginning to open up. And since many people here write that you're overdoing it, if I were to tell someone what I've done along the way, they'd think I was suicidal and didn't care about the consequences. Once psychedelics served their purpose for me, I simply put them behind me, and it hasn't had any negative effects on my life, even though I used them very regularly for a long time. I still take them sometimes and the experience is profound, but now it's more for fun at concerts or something.

[Tristan12]

@Grateful Dead I agree, thank you 

[Verg0]

@OBEler

Exaggerating a little bit. I love 5-MeO. I see great potential in it`s use - even on a regular basis maybe. (Not fully clear on this myself). 

But I had a period recently where I vaped a bit more & did not fully come down for a week or two. Made it hard to do my work properly. The integration became my work. 

I just imagine that if you are not careful in your approach with this molecule it has the potential to lead you into a dysfuctional state (that might be spiritually helpful) - but that not everyone might be wishing for in their life at this very moment. 

Also it`s easy to get lost in the clouds with 5-MeO, forgetting the importance of grounding. 

Just a small signpost that this is a very very powerful toy that we`re playing with here. 

 

[aurum]

9 hours ago, Twentyfirst said:

I don't understand what is in the way of you doing them so often...unless it's fear?

They are so fun and rewarding it's hard to stop oneself from doing it

Up to you if you want the problem of doing too much of them or problem of doing too little of them. It's hard to do the exact amount of them

For sure there is fear. I’ve had bad trips + trips that were just extremely difficult to integrate. And the potential destabilization effects concern me, given that I’m quite happy with how my mind currently works.

I also work in healthcare, which means I’m responsible for other humans. I can’t do 5-MeO and then go see 8 hours of patients.

Then there’s the legality of actually procuring psychedelics. I know you can buy research chemicals online, but I’m not really comfortable with that. I tend to be pretty conservative when it comes to legal issues.

 

[Twentyfirst]

2 hours ago, aurum said:

For sure there is fear. I’ve had bad trips + trips that were just extremely difficult to integrate. And the potential destabilization effects concern me, given that I’m quite happy with how my mind currently works.

If you live 100 years then even a 5 year break is not gonna hurt you. Just make up for it later on

2 hours ago, aurum said:

I also work in healthcare, which means I’m responsible for other humans. I can’t do 5-MeO and then go see 8 hours of patients.

So that's what you meant by "normal" life. Ya its different for you then

2 hours ago, aurum said:

Then there’s the legality of actually procuring psychedelics. I know you can buy research chemicals online, but I’m not really comfortable with that. I tend to be pretty conservative when it comes to legal issues.

 

Some places are legal as far as I know but that would require travel

[OBEler]

4 hours ago, Verg0 said:

@OBEler

Exaggerating a little bit. I love 5-MeO. I see great potential in it`s use - even on a regular basis maybe. (Not fully clear on this myself). 

But I had a period recently where I vaped a bit more & did not fully come down for a week or two. Made it hard to do my work properly. The integration became my work. 

I just imagine that if you are not careful in your approach with this molecule it has the potential to lead you into a dysfuctional state (that might be spiritually helpful) - but that not everyone might be wishing for in their life at this very moment. 

Also it`s easy to get lost in the clouds with 5-MeO, forgetting the importance of grounding. 

Just a small signpost that this is a very very powerful toy that we`re playing with here. 

 

Yeah but that destabilizing period you were speaking about was it with a shaman some weeks ago where you smoked some big amount of bufu and just directly afterwards joined a breathing session for hours?

That's not comparable with just vaping with a vape pen below breakthrough experience with good dose control and not anticipating in some others hardcore spiritual exercise directly afterwards.

Edited Monday at 08:58 PM by OBEler

[Aaron p]

To me 5meo is like a bomb or dynamite. To say that it's good or bad is too simplistic. If your trying to clear rock at a building site, then it's good. If your at home having tea, it's bad. 

I think psycs and 5meo in particular is more better to be seen as a special weapon rather than a frequent medication. It accomplishes it's goal in rare intervals when massive, earth shattering experiences are required as dynamic and Extremely powerful momentary methods are required...planned in systematised and verrry carefully thought out blasts.

Periodic special weapon, not frequent medication. Imo. Also if your teetering on the edge of the 5meo space, you'll likely be actually reminding yourself of how scary it is 3 times a week leading to fewer breakthroughs and fewer positive experiences. 

And of course there's the risk of going full Murphy. Don't forget that. If you don't know what going full Murphy is, just ask a mod.

[Verg0]

@OBEler

It was not with a shaman, and not Bufo. I was alone and planned to take a small dose. Small became medium and that became vaping more and more over an hour. Happens very fast. 

Yes, I did a heavy Breathwork session after which has definitely contributed to the aftereffect.

[OBEler]

6 hours ago, Verg0 said:

@OBEler

It was not with a shaman, and not Bufo. I was alone and planned to take a small dose. Small became medium and that became vaping more and more over an hour. Happens very fast. 

Yes, I did a heavy Breathwork session after which has definitely contributed to the aftereffect.

Ok but that's what I meant.

You take strong doses 5 meo and do a heavy breath work afterwards. I could tell you from hearing that alone that this is too much. You cannot blame then vaping 5 Meo alone for your destabilizing week. It was clearly because of the heavy breathing session afterwards.