Wishing For An End

[MiracleMan]

My depression normally happens in such a subtle way I have no idea what is really going on.  Every morning I wake up to a cacophony of music in my brain, an annoying loop that is playing right now as I type these words.  This started in early childhood.  It's like a jukebox I can't switch off, sometimes the song changes but there is literally a solid 16 hours of noise per day, I'm sure this is some sort of diatraction.  I was also a victim of childhood trauma:  sexual abuse by an older cousin, physical and mental abuse by father and mother, and I grew up in a time where my escape and rapture was video games, internet, pornography, masturbation and drugs.  My lifestyle became very hedonistic.  I was moved into a basement room at age 12 to make room for a baby brother up stairs.  That basement was cold, pitch black and always frightened me and I was forced to live in that windowless hell below the earth, it became my prison.  It soon became a sanctuary though, and once I got comfortable here I didn't want to leave.  Today I'm 30, I'm still an addict.  I'm a professional, and I have a good job.  But everyday I feel closer to madness, the endless loops in my brain, the constant stream of negative thoughts.  I've been lifting and meditating for months, but I can't get rid of the monkey mind.  This morning I managed to have 3 or 4 arguments with myself, called myself the biggest piece of shit in the world, told myself my job will crumble and I'll lose everything, prayed for cancer, thought of the peace of death, and underneath all of that I know it is all a LIE but the greater part of me that is in control buys into this and believes it likely true.  I have tension myosiditis, which is stress induced pain in the body, in my lower back and in my left arm and hand.  My lower back always feels hard as stone and causes me great pain, all distractions.  I feel a great deal of rage and I constantly want to fight people, both physically and verbally.  I think I need serious help, my therapist is more or less just someone to vent on, they are not providing me the help I need.  I'm afraid of disclosing my thoughts to a serious psychotherapist because I'm afraid of being locked away in an institution, I'm afraid that any information I disclose will be used against me, to hurt me.  All My life I've directed this negative, hateful, evil energy back into myself, I can only take so much and I feel like now at 30 years old my mind is reaching its limit.  This is spilling out of me into the world, I'm losing friends, I insulting and verbally abusing people I love, alienating them and myself.  I'm slowly destroying my life and pushing away everyone I cared about love.  I have almost no friends and I feel like I'm pushing away my very last best friend.  Scary times. 

[Shin]

Tell that to a Zen master and let him take you in charge.

[Zenrik]

@MiracleMan hey! Sorry for my bad spelling.

Anyways-->Your emotional bankaccount is all out. You need to practise  self love, NOW!. You probably trying to get better by telling yourself you sould, and unfortunately our brain dosent work that way... Hey, if I could do all the things I tell myself I sould do, I would be an enlighten superstar. Meditation doesnt do you any good if you dont embody self compassion and self love. Your relationships will be crap unless you can be compassionate to yourself (If you can be compassionate to yourself its easy to be that way with others). By practicing self love you will get the empowerment you need over time. Dont expect getting better within a week. You cant expect feeling better within a week, but often it comes gradually. Your brain needs time to carv out new pathways. You might backlash, but commit to a lifetime of self compassion.

So im going to refer you to a teacher called Matt Kahn, 

He has some wondedrfull mantras that you can tell yourself all day (its all about reprogramming):

Here are some of them and some i got at other places. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THESE MANTRAS. and they will not feel authentic in the beginning. Try tell them in a compassionate way if you can. They work fine if you cant

Mantras:

I love you

Its ok to be sad

Its ok to be angry

Its ok to dont know what to do

Iits ok to feel hopeless

Its OK not knowing how to love myself (start with this one if you feel like "I love you" is to much).

I dont know how to be compassionate to myself

May i be happy

May i be at peace

May i be free

May i be safe

May all beings be happy

May all beings be at peace

May all beings be free

May all beings be safe

 

And dont be afraid to make your own mantras. 

 

You might wanna start your day with this one:

"Today im going to be more loving, compassionate and gentle to myself, for the well being of all" Repeat many times

 

I dont have more time to write now, I might check in here later. Peace

PS. Also try to find some guided "love and kindness" meditations

 

 

 

 

Edited May 11, 2017 by Zenrik

[TJM1959]

@MiracleMan Hey, can relate. My key to quieting the streaming thoughts was to begin/continue guided meditation. There are many audio/vids available thru youtube but this is my go-to meditation man when I'm stuck in my brain.
20 minutes focused on just breathing...

Another one evoking self love...

Keep going, you're not in this alone.

[MiracleMan]

Wow thank you guys for the advice, I was having a bad episode this morning.  I felt an overwhelming amount of emotions this morning, its all akin to self sabatoge.  I've been looking into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and reading Feeling Good by David Burns, which after really looking into it, CBT is a westernized version of mindfulness.  CBT isn't super mainstream, I cannot find a counselor here in my area.  There are a few Buddhist temples and meditation groups in the area however.  I feel like when it comes to depression, when we say the things that trouble us out loud it sounds silly and I could even laugh about it, but inside my skull it's like those troublesome thoughts are amplified and seemingly dangerous.  This is why I find recovery so difficult, because the magnitude of the feeling associated with those thoughts are astronomical, but when they are spoken out loud, it just sounds silly that this is what is troubling me, and it's easy to thus dismiss the plan all together as futile.  Others find comfort that their worries are silly, I think I find it more humiliating because I validate those negative thoughts constantly and believe them. 

On another note, I am 5 months clean from porn, I had a couple of relapses but I have managed to get myself back on track.  I would like to have this approach to depressive episodes.  While the episodes suck, I could reassure myself that it's okay to relapse and have these depressive episodes, and that they may happen again but it's how I react in these situations that counts.  If I relapse on porn I'm not going to throw away all my progress and binge and run away from my commitment and go back to the way things were.  The hardest part of all of this is what to do when the episode hits, sometimes I'm not even aware I'm having one until it's too late.  It's also hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, an escape route.  The mind becomes so dark and clouded that nothing rational makes sense.  

Edited May 11, 2017 by MiracleMan

[Zenrik]

@MiracleMan 

He might say some wack things, but the teaching has infinity value.

[Visitor]

@MiracleMan Hi. here is a diagnostic criteria for major depression. If you find that you fit into this criteria (by honest) I would make an appointment to see a doctor. The doctor may recommend a referral to a psychiatrist who will help you to manage it. 

This is important, because your thread title "Wishing for an end" may also suggest a wish for suicide. Such suggestions point to what might be coming around the corner. I strongly suggest you seek professional help.

[MiracleMan]

11 hours ago, Visitor said:

@MiracleMan Hi. here is a diagnostic criteria for major depression. If you find that you fit into this criteria (by honest) I would make an appointment to see a doctor. The doctor may recommend a referral to a psychiatrist who will help you to manage it. 

This is important, because your thread title "Wishing for an end" may also suggest a wish for suicide. Such suggestions point to what might be coming around the corner. I strongly suggest you seek professional help.

I'm seeing a therapist but I know this isn't enough.  Honestly I have lost so much faith in our medical system when it comes to mental health.  I've so many bad experiences I hardly trust doctors anymore, where I've been mistreated or lead on into treatments I haven't needed.  The medical system in place now gave me a death sentence when I was I 12 years old.  I was told I had depression/anxiety disorder and it was incurable and that the symptoms could be controlled through medication and therapy.  That was truly devastating news but it was also a lie.  Depression is very curable despite what nearly every doctor has told me.  I believed this lie until about 6 months ago and I've been doing better but still having these self defeating episodes.  I don't think the entire medical system is like this, but in my area it's definitely lacking in quality mental health services.

 Wishing for an End to suffering is part of my problem.  I confuse death with peace, I don't want death I want piece of mind.  The more I want the depression and anxiety to end I think the more it can hold its grip on me.  I'm essentially holding on to my depression, gripping it and not letting go, I'm encouraging it's growth by acknowledging it's power to frighten and scare me.  Wishing it will go away makes it stronger I think?  I used to have bad panic attacks in my mid 20s, I read about a technique for fighting back against panic attacks, and that was to not fight resist and not fight back.  The harder I tried to fight the panic, strong arm it, push it away, it came back more intensely.  When I said, "okay, give me all you got, let's go, let's HAVE a massive panic attack, I don't give a fuck, I'm not afraid of you" and in the back of my mind I was truly frightened and my fear was about passing out, not breathing, and dying, but the more i screamed inside my head "come on!  I'm right here!" the panic went away.  I hardly have panic attacks today but if I do, this technique works.  It's like a bully, a dark thing that wants to fight and control you, and if you resist, ignore, or allow the fear to overwhelm it will win.  During a depressive episode I feel a similar bullying, a similar fear, an anxious tightness, but it's much more subtle and sneaky than a panic attack.  A panic attack is like a fast agile enemy in your face, here and now, its a quick event.  The depressive state I might not even be aware of until it's too late, and even then it might be hard to convince myself that I'm actually there.  I think this is an internal journey here, yes I need some outside guidance, but no one knows me better than me.  The reason I'm not better isn't because I haven't been to the doctor, its because I have a problem being honest and true with myself, I have a problem loving and helping myself.  I'm so wrapped up in my own mythology and legend, I fear I just entertain my ego and the rest of me is just worthless to me. 

Edited May 12, 2017 by MiracleMan

[Ayla]

On 5/11/2017 at 4:15 PM, MiracleMan said:

I can't 

@MiracleMan

I see a lot of pulling and pushing there... Tell me, do you think that there are people out there that can stop their minds? Do you think there are people who are not addicted? That there are people who live without that horrifying internal dialogue? No, there are none! Yours though has gotten so bad because you engage with it. In other words, you believe it. You believe there is something wrong, that it has to stop, that it keeps you from being you, etc...

The secret is in the understanding that that IS you - a part of you anyway. It's as if you were trying to cut your hand off all the time. 

Look at it with curiosity. Give it names, colors, types of sounds, write main themes down and make up stories for little kids about them. The more you disengage, the easier it will become. Remember, the only reason why they stick like that, is because you believe them and you believe that they are BAD. Also, I suggest that you search this forum or online, information about associating love with pain. Reading the description of your situation, it looks like that is comfort to you. That is all you ever knew and so you subconsciously loop into it to keep safe. You contamplate the Peace of death, not death itself. 

Another way to use this forum, is to look at all these people having loads of problems and to all of them, their own shit is the biggest of them all. Let yourself be for a day. Just try to be comfortable with how things ARE. One day. If you manage that, you will not only experience significant relief, but also, it will become a reference point for the future. Like with any type of inner work, it will demand practice...

[Visitor]

@MiracleMan If I was in your position I would go back onto the medication to help me to think better without those depressive episodes. Then start learning how to manage depression psychologically, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I find that C-BT (Cognition effecting behaviour) used back to front B-CT (behaviour effecting cognition) helps me. Depression can put you in a hole, but getting out of that hole and be active can change one's thinking. That is why I like cycling around the country side. It refreshes me.

Psychologically, depression often plays a tune about all the things that do and have not gone OUR way. It is okay if things don't go our way. Life is full of things not going our way. It is accepting and adapting to change which makes life interesting and exciting. Don't fear change. Change is our friend.

Start learning and practice managing depression. When you think that your new skills are working for you, then tell the doctor/psychiatrist about your management plan and how it is working. Then ask to have the medication dosage dropped for a few months as a trial period. If depressive episodes no longer increase due to managing depression without previous dosage levels, then ask for another lower dosage. Eventually you may manage depression without medication.

In my opinion that is a more prudent approach to managing clinical depression if medication side effects are a problem.

However, there is a common misconception that some people with depression fall for. That is, they take the medication and start feeling well. After a while they think they no longer need the medication and stop taking them. After a few weeks they are back in the black hole. Then they go back on the medication which takes a few weeks before they feel better again. Some repeat this scenario often, which can add fuel to being depressed.

It is a chemical imbalance of the body. To regain balance takes time. Exercise, nutrition, altered attitudes could reestablish the needed balance over several months or more. But in the meantime one needs some assistance through proper medication. This approach does not work for all people with clinical depression, so be prepared to accept that if it is in your case. However, I would give the above approach a go.

[MiracleMan]

Guys, this has been a hell of a couple weeks for me but I've been listening to the love revolution audio by Matt Kahn a couple times a day as well as his video on pain.  Thank you Zenrick, this is exactly what I was looking for.  I've been going at the mantras and it felt very awkward and almost sickening to say "I love you" to myself but it's actually starting to give me comfort in those dark times, I just repeat it over and over and it seems to get me through whatever is bothering me at the moment.  

I've been reaching outward to look for external solutions to my problems (new job, new location, new hobbies, new people) but I was always missing something that I knew was fundamentally internal but I never knew what my problem actually was.  If only I could quit porn I said, or drugs, or stop this behavior.  I noticed even through shear will power I was able to kick habits, but I was always (and still am at this moment) vulnerable to getting addicted again.  I believed if I could just stop the behavior I would change.  No.  That is an external solution, yes I need to kick bad habits but I also need this change to come from within, that is the next step I think.

I'm learning not to engage with depression or pain, I'm starting welcome them with open arms because the more I resist the worse my symptoms get.  If I deny or resist the symptoms it does me no good because the pattern is already formed, I have to accept it and find a new pattern to supersede the prior.  It feels strange and counterintuitive but I'm saying yes to pain, bring it on.  And above all else I learned this week that despite what my current patterns are, despite my situation or anything "bad" my brain guilts me into believing, I can still love myself. 

Edited May 16, 2017 by MiracleMan

[Nahm]

@MiracleMan I have experienced a similar, but not as rough past. I hope you take this positively, but it actually sounds to me like you're doing very well (in the big picture).    There is equall and opposite effect in all of the cosmos. You are not an exception. The fire within you, combined with that you obviously do many things about it, will culminate into an equal and opposite joy of living that very very few people will ever get to experience. The key, obviously, is to hold the fuck on and keep going. You will come out of this. You will know things that know one else knows. What was your isolation and pain, WILL one day be your stratospheric unique joy. Just keep learning, looking, etc. 

If it helps.... the monkey mind is 100% only a repetition of previous thoughts. My advice is to listen to the most positive things you can. Abe Hicks comes to mind. Listen to it as many hours in a day as possible. Order a few micro wireless earbuds and plug one in your ear all day. Over time, your monkey mind will be repeating that positive content. And then, if you choose, it will be much easier to be without the monkey mind all together.

Best of luck to you my friend. It is rough. I know.