Going crazy after experiencing love on 5-MeO-DMT

[Tristan12]

Just to preface this for those who haven't seen my previous posts and don't know about my situation - I have been dealing with very severe mental health issues for years, been suicidal for years but especially over the last year. The pain I've been through has been so deep and severe that it has led to me developing a connection with existential love, and the connection gets deeper as time goes on. I am currently working with psychedelics to try and heal myself.

I have noticed lately as I gain more insight into myself and my emotional issues, into exactly what is going on and what I need to do to heal, I can really feel the potential for getting deep into existential love as a result of healing. I feel like my healing will come with a massive, life-changing awakening into existential love, and that is what all these years of suffering have been leading up to. I think it's very likely that something like that would happen.

 

Lately I've noticed something happening after my 5-MeO-DMT trips - I still take very light doses so I am not going that deep, but I have noticed that lately any time I approach some deep form of love while on 5meo, I start to get really hyper and crazy, and it lasts for a few hours after the trip.

A few hours ago I tripped in the back of the car in the park, at around 4am. I had quite a good trip, although it was lighter than usual, and I had a really helpful insight for my healing, and it led to me really seeing the potential for how much love I could feel, and how deeply that love could impact me and heal me.

After I came down from the main part of the trip, I got into this really hyper and crazy mood, and it felt like it was coming from the love. My heart just felt so free and open. It's like my heart gets touched so deeply by love that I go mad and become crazy, and that mood lasts for a few hours after the trip, even after I become fully sober. Today was the third time this has happened.

I spent more time in the car as I was coming down, rolling around, making noises, laughing, singing, being super crazy. I eventually left the car and decided to walk around the park. I approached this wide open soccer field, and I could see the night sky, the only light coming from the moon. That huge open space made my heart feel so free and open. I started to run around the field, while listening to my music, just going nuts, in the middle of the night, like a crazy person.

During these moments, I have this feeling where I don't want to sit still, I don't want to be stuck in one form or experience. I want to be a shapeshifter, I want to experience all different things, changing over and over, and not be stuck or attached to one specific form. My heart feels so expansive and open. The craziness feels like it comes from me being so happy and giddy over this love, I am just hyper and happy, just letting myself go, letting myself be absolutely open and free, not held down by anything.

I thought about something I read on Leo's blog while I was in this state tonight: "God is a madman who sits on the shore, imagines himself to be a flamingo, morphs into a flamingo, and flys off into the sunset without a care in the world." I was like yes! exactly! that is exactly how it feels.

Also this quote came to mind: "I am hopelessly in love with you, no point giving me advice. I have drunk love's poison, no point taking any remedy. They want to chain my feet but what's the point when it is my heart that's gone mad!" - Rumi

 

As I said, this is the third time this craziness thing has happened over the past few weeks, it usually lasts 2-3 hours after the main part of the trip is over. In my opinion it's a good thing, I think it's part of my growth and development towards existential love and God. I think it's a sign of awakening, and I think it's more confirmation that I will likely have a massive awakening into love as a result of healing. I just wanted to share this here because I thought it was very interesting.

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 wow congrats for getting the most out of lower doses on 5 meo. How much do you vape? Are you redosing?

[Tristan12]

1 hour ago, OBEler said:

@Tristan12 wow congrats for getting the most out of lower doses on 5 meo. How much do you vape? Are you redosing?

My normal dose is one full hit. I find I have to wait 48 hours for tolerance to be completely gone. This trip was about 20 hours after my previous one so there was some tolerance and effects were pretty light. I did 2.5 hits and the effects were about the same as if I did half a hit with no tolerance

I chose to trip even with tolerance because of what I’m currently working on. I didn’t need the trip to be deep, I just wanted the feeling of 5meo

I have a really hard time surrendering on psychedelics. I don’t necessarily resist or fight with it, but I cannot fully let go, and my thoughts are super active, so I’ve been trying to figure out how to resolve that, because real healing and emotional release can’t happen without full surrender.

I learned from past trips that I have a lot of deep fear within me from childhood, and that makes it very uncomfortable for me to let go and surrender. I’ve decided that I need to do inner child work and work with those emotions of fear at the start of my trips.

Today was my first time trying that, and it worked really well because I had the spirit/essence of 5meo channeling love into my emotions, along with me working with my emotions myself. I started to process and go into my fear, and I realized I have a lot of shame mixed in with that, which makes it hard to trust any love and comfort I receive. Deep down I feel like I am so bad, wrong, gross and unlovable as a person, so why would anyone care about me and why would there be any reason to trust that I am safe and cared for?

The 5meo directed love at that shame, as well as my fear, and all the sudden I felt so much love and it became so much easier to let go. I felt genuinely safe and protected, and I felt like I wanted to just give myself to the trip at that point and let go completely, but the trip was so light that it didn’t go anywhere after that

But I experienced some really deep love from that, which was amazing and beautiful, and as I started to come down it triggered this craziness thing again. I think this craziness effect isn’t coming from the 5meo, but from the connection to existential love I have and how deep it’s becoming at this point.

Edited March 11 by Tristan12

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 wow that sounds nice, one question what is a hit for you can you tell how many mg you vaped? E-mesh or vape pen?

[Tristan12]

11 hours ago, OBEler said:

@Tristan12 wow that sounds nice, one question what is a hit for you can you tell how many mg you vaped? E-mesh or vape pen?

I don't know the mg measurement, I use a vape pen, the directions say that 1-2 pulls is a mild trip and 3-5 is large/breakthrough.

I forgot to answer your other question: yes I do usually re-dose throughout my trips to extend the length of it

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 @Tristan12 I think you bought a complete vape pen, you can easily make your own vape pen and know exactly how much is in it and can make different ones with different ratio.

It seems you have a 1:1 ratio ( e.g. 500 mg 5 meo DMT with  0,5 ml e liquid)

 

[Tristan12]

@OBEler I just checked the site I bought it from, I have the 400mg/1ml option

I bought 5-MeO-DMT HCl as well to try plugging it, but the doses are weird for me - I gradually worked my way up, and plugging 25mg is about the same as 1 hit on the vape, and I know that 25-30mg is usually a very deep trip for most.

I've plugged other psychedelics and the doses were the same for me as what other people experience, but for some reason plugging 5-MeO-DMT doesn't work well for me.

I would like to make my own vape pen though, I don't know if it was you writing about it but I remember someone in the 5-MeO-DMT mega thread talking about vape chemicals being harmful, so I would like to learn how to make my own if you have any resources you could share

[Breathe]

I tried psychedelics for years to treat depression and got nowhere with it. What I really needed was love, healthier habits, and enough stability so that I could work through all my shit without a veil of misery. Psychedelics don't address the underlying cause so just keep that in mind. Treating depression is really difficult to do on your own. I think for most that some form of community for stability and professional help for guidance and support is needed.

Keep fighting the good fight. Wishing you the best.

[OBEler]

@Breathe can you tell what you took? How often and what results? Really no improvement at all?

Psychedelic can definitely address the underlying cause but in your case probably not. 

Depression is very complex yes.

 

 

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 here everything is explained 

 

[Tristan12]

5 hours ago, Breathe said:

I tried psychedelics for years to treat depression and got nowhere with it. What I really needed was love, healthier habits, and enough stability so that I could work through all my shit without a veil of misery. Psychedelics don't address the underlying cause so just keep that in mind. Treating depression is really difficult to do on your own. I think for most that some form of community for stability and professional help for guidance and support is needed.

Keep fighting the good fight. Wishing you the best.

I've been working with psychedelics for a few months now and I still haven't healed from it. However I have gained a lot of awareness into my emotional issues, and they are very complex, so it makes sense that they would be difficult to resolve. Luckily I have been learning about psychology and emotional healing for years before this so I have a lot of knowledge and insights that can help me figure out what to do.

The main thing is that I have a lot of difficulty surrendering. I have had many moments of intense crying and emotional purging on psychedelics, but it never heals me. What I realized recently is that without full surrender, the emotional release does not become somatic. It's easy to think you are purging because you are crying and reacting, but that doesn't mean it's deep enough to create lasting healing. Trauma is stored in the body, and only by total and complete surrender can a somatic processing and release happen. Your emotions need to take over you, they need to happen TO you, the purging isn't something you force or create yourself.

I have a lot of fear and resistance in me from childhood and that makes me uncomfortable with full surrender. I have been working on figuring out how to resolve that and I have been making good progress. So I've had the same experience as you so far of no results, but I feel like I am making good progress and will get there eventually. 

I know what you mean about needing a sense of community. I have tried tripping around other people, because my emotional pain is so deep and severe that it's very intimidating for me to go into alone, and forcing myself into them isn't conducive to healing. I feel better having other people around me when I trip and go into my emotions, however I have social anxiety and I'm not comfortable fully letting go and reacting however I want to around people, so that creates a problem.

I found that what I really get out of having other people there is a sense of safety, so if I can do something to create that for myself when I'm alone, then I would feel comfortable enough to surrender without needing other people, and that has been working well for me so far.

 

I think psychedelics can definitely provide deep and genuine healing, but you also need to know how to work with them properly, and people may have barriers that prevent them from being able to do that (like my issues with surrendering). I think if you have a good knowledge of psychology and emotional work, if you know how to gain a lot of understanding and awareness of your own psychology, and then you pair that with psychedelics which allow you to easily get deep into your subconscious mind and release core emotions, that could really help most people.

I get what you're saying about changing habits and needing connection, I think that's a good point that people can also incorporate into their healing practice if they feel like that's something they need. However I think for any person, psychedelics or any other technique that allows you to do deep work on the subconscious mind is what would create the deepest level of healing and transformation.

[Tristan12]

@OBEler Thank you 

[gettoefl]

Just want to say I love you man. Check out this lovely trip report posted today which touches on what you are moving towards:

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/1ja8gr4/i_smoked_bufo_alvarius_5meodmt_died_and_came_back/

[Tristan12]

1 hour ago, gettoefl said:

Just want to say I love you man. Check out this lovely trip report posted today which touches on what you are moving towards:

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/1ja8gr4/i_smoked_bufo_alvarius_5meodmt_died_and_came_back/

Wow, that's a really beautiful report. It's really amazing because I feel like so much has been happening in my life lately that shows more and more that I am moving towards God and what is described in this report. Thank you for sharing

[Breathe]

7 hours ago, OBEler said:

Psychedelic can definitely address the underlying cause but in your case probably not. 

I would say that it depends. If you have social fears, like the OP mentioned, then sitting in your room tripping balls isn't going to help with that. Depression is usually some form of feeling stuck, trapped, or hopeless. The past sucks and there's no point in moving forward. Anxiety also comes with the territory. So, there's the feeling of being stuck and crippled with fear. Self-loathing is another symptom. All of things combined can be overwhelming and extremely difficult to walk through alone.

Fear has to be faced, not wished away with psychs. To beat the flavor of depression that I mentioned, it takes an extraordinary amount of determination. The problem is, there's no really anywhere to go because nothing seems worth pursuing.

But as the OP mentioned, you can have insight into the mechanics of mind on psychs. That's cool, just doesn't always lead to healing.

But to answer your, LSD was my goto. I don't do well with mushrooms or DMT.

[OBEler]

@Breathe i think LSD is not powerful enough to cure deep depression but it's a start.

Also your statement "Fear has to be faced, not wished away with psychs." seems unusual because I think there is no better tool out there than psychedelics to face your own fears. 

 

[Breathe]

Doing psychs is not facing your fears. It's just doing psychs.

[RendHeaven]

7 hours ago, Breathe said:

Doing psychs is not facing your fears. It's just doing psychs.

This is palpably wrong to me.

My deepest trips have all been traumatizing, teetering on total panic/meltdown territory. This is a category of terror beyond anything I've ever experienced as a human. All of my daily mundane fears are an offshoot of this greater primordial fear of confronting Consciousness.

Nothing scares me more than psychs.

[OBEler]

7 hours ago, Breathe said:

Doing psychs is not facing your fears. It's just doing psychs.

so you don't have fears on it or what do you mean? lsd is pretty weak compared to others, maybe you are not so experienced yet. Psychedelics are all about facing your fear and surrender.

 

Edited March 14 by OBEler

[Tristan12]

@Breathe I have a lot of insight on what you're talking about because these are things I have been working on a lot myself lately in my work.

11 hours ago, Breathe said:

If you have social fears, like the OP mentioned, then sitting in your room tripping balls isn't going to help with that.

Not necessarily. Phobias and all forms of psychological dysfunction need to be deeply analyzed, deconstructed and understood. You need to really understand where your fears are coming from and what is creating them to know how to resolve them. It's a lot more complex than just "I have this fear so the only solution is to face it". Facing your fear is definitely an option for overcoming fear, but my point is that there are other strategies for overcoming fear, and in my opinion, a lot of the time there are better ways to resolve fear than just forcing yourself to face them.

For me, I've spent years trying to overcome my social anxiety by making myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to people. I only got very minimal results from that, and I never enjoyed it because it was so uncomfortable and I felt like I was just bulldozing my emotions by doing it.

Through introspection I learned that my social anxiety comes from a huge amount of shame within me. Times that I've worked on that and made progress in healing and resolving that, I notice myself being much more comfortable socially than I ever did by trying to talk to people. In other words, I made progress in overcoming my social phobia by doing work on myself alone, and it makes total sense that that is possible if you really understand where my social anxiety was coming from.

Another fear I have is I am afraid to surrender to my emotions and let them take over me (which Is needed for healing). I have a lot of fear within me from childhood, and forcing myself to face my fears has never been a helpful strategy. Instead, I feel into that fear, give myself love and understanding, without forcing myself to do anything. That makes me feel more comfortable, and helps me to move through and resolve that fear.

11 hours ago, Breathe said:

Depression is usually some form of feeling stuck, trapped, or hopeless. The past sucks and there's no point in moving forward. Anxiety also comes with the territory. So, there's the feeling of being stuck and crippled with fear. Self-loathing is another symptom. All of things combined can be overwhelming and extremely difficult to walk through alone.

I've never struggled with depression, but my mental health issues are as complex and overwhelming as what you describe here, and I have been making progress in working through these things alone.

I'm not saying don't ask other people for help - I was trying to get people to help me while I trip and go into my emotions for a while. But I've had a hard time finding anyone and so I revisited the option of doing it alone, and I've figured out how to work through a lot of the fear I have towards my emotions, and it's becoming easier for me to do it.

If you feel 100% called to involve other people in your healing process, then by all means, do that, but don't think that even very severe mental health issues can't be worked through alone. You just need a good understanding of emotions and psychology to know how to work through your fear and resistance in a healthy and loving way. My first two posts in this thread were me talking about how I did that and how I reached huge amounts of love, comfort and safety when facing my emotions, all while tripping alone

11 hours ago, Breathe said:

LSD was my goto. I don't do well with mushrooms or DMT.

I've never done LSD but from what I've heard about it, it wouldn't be my first choice for healing. From what I've heard, LSD can take you deep but it's not very loving, gentle or emotional. You are likely to face even more fear and resistance if you are trying to resolve your issues with LSD.

I work mainly with low doses of 5-MeO-DMT, and that often has a very loving and gentle energy when I use it which helps even more to get through my fears and resistances. 5meo can probe love into your fear and resistance in a way that is very challenging to do sober, and it's incredible how much it helps. The substance you use definitely makes a difference.

Edited March 14 by Tristan12