Going crazy after experiencing love on 5-MeO-DMT

[Tristan12]

Just to preface this for those who haven't seen my previous posts and don't know about my situation - I have been dealing with very severe mental health issues for years, been suicidal for years but especially over the last year. The pain I've been through has been so deep and severe that it has led to me developing a connection with existential love, and the connection gets deeper as time goes on. I am currently working with psychedelics to try and heal myself.

I have noticed lately as I gain more insight into myself and my emotional issues, into exactly what is going on and what I need to do to heal, I can really feel the potential for getting deep into existential love as a result of healing. I feel like my healing will come with a massive, life-changing awakening into existential love, and that is what all these years of suffering have been leading up to. I think it's very likely that something like that would happen.

 

Lately I've noticed something happening after my 5-MeO-DMT trips - I still take very light doses so I am not going that deep, but I have noticed that lately any time I approach some deep form of love while on 5meo, I start to get really hyper and crazy, and it lasts for a few hours after the trip.

A few hours ago I tripped in the back of the car in the park, at around 4am. I had quite a good trip, although it was lighter than usual, and I had a really helpful insight for my healing, and it led to me really seeing the potential for how much love I could feel, and how deeply that love could impact me and heal me.

After I came down from the main part of the trip, I got into this really hyper and crazy mood, and it felt like it was coming from the love. My heart just felt so free and open. It's like my heart gets touched so deeply by love that I go mad and become crazy, and that mood lasts for a few hours after the trip, even after I become fully sober. Today was the third time this has happened.

I spent more time in the car as I was coming down, rolling around, making noises, laughing, singing, being super crazy. I eventually left the car and decided to walk around the park. I approached this wide open soccer field, and I could see the night sky, the only light coming from the moon. That huge open space made my heart feel so free and open. I started to run around the field, while listening to my music, just going nuts, in the middle of the night, like a crazy person.

During these moments, I have this feeling where I don't want to sit still, I don't want to be stuck in one form or experience. I want to be a shapeshifter, I want to experience all different things, changing over and over, and not be stuck or attached to one specific form. My heart feels so expansive and open. The craziness feels like it comes from me being so happy and giddy over this love, I am just hyper and happy, just letting myself go, letting myself be absolutely open and free, not held down by anything.

I thought about something I read on Leo's blog while I was in this state tonight: "God is a madman who sits on the shore, imagines himself to be a flamingo, morphs into a flamingo, and flys off into the sunset without a care in the world." I was like yes! exactly! that is exactly how it feels.

Also this quote came to mind: "I am hopelessly in love with you, no point giving me advice. I have drunk love's poison, no point taking any remedy. They want to chain my feet but what's the point when it is my heart that's gone mad!" - Rumi

 

As I said, this is the third time this craziness thing has happened over the past few weeks, it usually lasts 2-3 hours after the main part of the trip is over. In my opinion it's a good thing, I think it's part of my growth and development towards existential love and God. I think it's a sign of awakening, and I think it's more confirmation that I will likely have a massive awakening into love as a result of healing. I just wanted to share this here because I thought it was very interesting.

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 wow congrats for getting the most out of lower doses on 5 meo. How much do you vape? Are you redosing?

[Tristan12]

1 hour ago, OBEler said:

@Tristan12 wow congrats for getting the most out of lower doses on 5 meo. How much do you vape? Are you redosing?

My normal dose is one full hit. I find I have to wait 48 hours for tolerance to be completely gone. This trip was about 20 hours after my previous one so there was some tolerance and effects were pretty light. I did 2.5 hits and the effects were about the same as if I did half a hit with no tolerance

I chose to trip even with tolerance because of what I’m currently working on. I didn’t need the trip to be deep, I just wanted the feeling of 5meo

I have a really hard time surrendering on psychedelics. I don’t necessarily resist or fight with it, but I cannot fully let go, and my thoughts are super active, so I’ve been trying to figure out how to resolve that, because real healing and emotional release can’t happen without full surrender.

I learned from past trips that I have a lot of deep fear within me from childhood, and that makes it very uncomfortable for me to let go and surrender. I’ve decided that I need to do inner child work and work with those emotions of fear at the start of my trips.

Today was my first time trying that, and it worked really well because I had the spirit/essence of 5meo channeling love into my emotions, along with me working with my emotions myself. I started to process and go into my fear, and I realized I have a lot of shame mixed in with that, which makes it hard to trust any love and comfort I receive. Deep down I feel like I am so bad, wrong, gross and unlovable as a person, so why would anyone care about me and why would there be any reason to trust that I am safe and cared for?

The 5meo directed love at that shame, as well as my fear, and all the sudden I felt so much love and it became so much easier to let go. I felt genuinely safe and protected, and I felt like I wanted to just give myself to the trip at that point and let go completely, but the trip was so light that it didn’t go anywhere after that

But I experienced some really deep love from that, which was amazing and beautiful, and as I started to come down it triggered this craziness thing again. I think this craziness effect isn’t coming from the 5meo, but from the connection to existential love I have and how deep it’s becoming at this point.

Edited 21 hours ago by Tristan12

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 wow that sounds nice, one question what is a hit for you can you tell how many mg you vaped? E-mesh or vape pen?

[Tristan12]

11 hours ago, OBEler said:

@Tristan12 wow that sounds nice, one question what is a hit for you can you tell how many mg you vaped? E-mesh or vape pen?

I don't know the mg measurement, I use a vape pen, the directions say that 1-2 pulls is a mild trip and 3-5 is large/breakthrough.

I forgot to answer your other question: yes I do usually re-dose throughout my trips to extend the length of it

[OBEler]

@Tristan12 @Tristan12 I think you bought a complete vape pen, you can easily make your own vape pen and know exactly how much is in it and can make different ones with different ratio.

It seems you have a 1:1 ratio ( e.g. 500 mg 5 meo DMT with  0,5 ml e liquid)

 

[Tristan12]

@OBEler I just checked the site I bought it from, I have the 400mg/1ml option

I bought 5-MeO-DMT HCl as well to try plugging it, but the doses are weird for me - I gradually worked my way up, and plugging 25mg is about the same as 1 hit on the vape, and I know that 25-30mg is usually a very deep trip for most.

I've plugged other psychedelics and the doses were the same for me as what other people experience, but for some reason plugging 5-MeO-DMT doesn't work well for me.

I would like to make my own vape pen though, I don't know if it was you writing about it but I remember someone in the 5-MeO-DMT mega thread talking about vape chemicals being harmful, so I would like to learn how to make my own if you have any resources you could share