I am experiencing depersonalization

[Misato Katsuragi]

hello everyone I wanted to write message as just a warning, I know that Leo has made videos talking about the dangers of spiritual work, and I just wanted to share my experience here. This is not demoralize anyone who seeks the spiritual path, but I think it's important to realize how dangerous this stuff is.

Now to update everyone I did not intend to reach enlightenment, I did not use any form of psychedelic drugs to get to the point of where I am at now, this all happened by accident when something clicked in my brain suddenly and I started thinking about epistemology, and questioned it to its absolute max out of just fun curiosity and it made me have an existential crisis and all my beliefs about reality just crumpled when I realized I didn't actually know anything for sure. Ever since then I have been unable to sleep, without waking up feeling intense dissociation. I usually have to wait till my mind calms down before trying to sleep again.

Basically though, you need certainty on your beliefs to function as a human being, ever since those were shaken and destabilized, I've been trying to deal with the fear, and ill be honest I don't think I was ready for it. What I experienced was terrifying it felt like I aware free will didn't exist, and most basic things suddenly became uncertain. On the flipside I let go of all my fear, and I didn't eat for 3 days I had to force myself out of logical reasoning, but I was so uninterested in eating that I only managed to eat a hamburger in, but it felt like a chore because I was so at peace everything. it felt like I could stick a knife in my arm feel no pain. But I then became fearful as I realized it felt like my whole world was dissolving. And I began to lose confidence that I could comprehend the most basic concept's like whats red vs blue, whats right and left, and it felt like I was going insane.

I recognized this was unhealthy so I had to convince myself to come back to normal consciousness. Either way to stabilize myself I decided to go to a hospital which didnt help for me personally as the workers treated me like I was schizophrenic and I couldn't sleep. So I left it's been 5 weeks and I am slowly getting better despite me having disassociation everyday. I do not want to see anymore of this stuff, I didn't intend to get here but yeah be careful everyone, im going to try and get better.

I should note that prior to this I was diagnosed with OCD in my childhood, and had OCD like tendencies related to my health, it feels like everyday i'm tripping on acid, when I think focus my awareness on my consciousness and whats actually happening. and its hard to stop because I have always struggled with having intrusive thoughts, before this I struggled with thinking that I had like heart problems and I was going to have a heart attack even though I was completely fine.

I've gotten over the fear of developing schizophrenia of other like illnesses, when this shit was happening I was obsessive ruminating that pretty soon I wasn't going to be tethered to everyday mundane reality at all and I was going to develop some form of psychotic disorder and become delusional.

but my anxiety has gotten better, as its been 5 weeks and I've never lost my ability to reason completely or started believing wild shit like I had to cut my ear off to appease aliens that were going to destroy earth. So I feel some relief at least compared to when this all started.

 

 

Edited Thursday at 06:16 AM by Misato Katsuragi

[Adrian colby]

57 minutes ago, Misato Katsuragi said:

hello everyone I wanted to write message as just a warning, I know that Leo has made videos talking about the dangers of spiritual work, and I just wanted to share my experience here. This is not demoralize anyone who seeks the spiritual path, but I think it's important to realize how dangerous this stuff is.

Now to update everyone I did not intend to reach enlightenment, I did not use any form of psychedelic drugs to get to the point of where I am at now, this all happened by accident when something clicked in my brain suddenly and I started thinking about epistemology, and questioned it to its absolute max out of just fun curiosity and it made me have an existential crisis and all my beliefs about reality just crumpled when I realized I didn't actually know anything for sure. Ever since then I have been unable to sleep, without waking up feeling intense dissociation. I usually have to wait till my mind calms down before trying to sleep again.

Basically though, you need certainty on your beliefs to function as a human being, ever since those were shaken and destabilized, I've been trying to deal with the fear, and ill be honest I don't think I was ready for it. What I experienced was terrifying it felt like I aware free will didn't exist, and most basic things suddenly became uncertain. On the flipside I let go of all my fear, and I didn't eat for 3 days I had to force myself out of logical reasoning, but I was so uninterested in eating that I only managed to eat a hamburger in, but it felt like a chore because I was so at peace everything. it felt like I could stick a knife in my arm feel no pain. But I then became fearful as I realized it felt like my whole world was dissolving. And I began to lose confidence that I could comprehend the most basic concept's like whats red vs blue, whats right and left, and it felt like I was going insane.

I recognized this was unhealthy so I had to convince myself to come back to normal consciousness. Either way to stabilize myself I decided to go to a hospital which didnt help for me personally as the workers treated me like I was schizophrenic and I couldn't sleep. So I left it's been 5 weeks and I am slowly getting better despite me having disassociation everyday. I do not want to see anymore of this stuff, I didn't intend to get here but yeah be careful everyone, im going to try and get better.

I should note that prior to this I was diagnosed with OCD in my childhood, and had OCD like tendencies related to my health, it feels like everyday i'm tripping on acid, when I think focus my awareness on my consciousness and whats actually happening. and its hard to stop because I have always struggled with having intrusive thoughts, before this I struggled with thinking that I had like heart problems and I was going to have a heart attack even though I was completely fine.

I've gotten over the fear of developing schizophrenia of other like illnesses, when this shit was happening I was obsessive ruminating that pretty soon I wasn't going to be tethered to everyday mundane reality at all and I was going to develop some form of psychotic disorder and become delusional.

but my anxiety has gotten better, as its been 5 weeks and I've never lost my ability to reason completely or started believing wild shit like I had to cut my ear off to appease aliens that were going to destroy earth. So I feel some relief at least compared to when this all started.

 

 

Have you done any practice to quiet the mind? You mention intrusive thoughts and a lot of your practice being based on contemplation. 

[JosephKnecht]

4 hours ago, Misato Katsuragi said:

all my beliefs about reality just crumpled when I realized I didn't actually know anything for sure.

The only thing you can know for sure is that you exist. Try to use this to ground yourself. 

Did you have any trauma in your childhood? 

Depersonalization together with OCD and eating disorders is not a good combination.

Try to find professional help if you can. 

[emil1234]

i suffered from DR for several years. hang in there, it will pass

[PurpleTree]

Isn’t enlightenment in a way also depersonalisation?

[Sugarcoat]

If the self isn’t real then all these wacky states like depersonalization make sense because something that ain’t real won’t always be stable and seem super real. The normal human state is an active hallucination. Depersonalization is a different kind of hallucination. There’s many layers to the self/mind. And when one breaks apart it can feel scary. But it’s just that hallucination crumbling. 

Edited Thursday at 02:58 PM by Sugarcoat

[Hojo]

@PurpleTree Yes its not a bad thing its just his mind making it seem bad. Its like the highest depersonalization.

Edited Thursday at 03:34 PM by Hojo

[OBEler]

Depersonalization always has a root in unsolved fear/trauma. It's a  protection mechanism. It has not really something to do with enlightenment.

Edited Thursday at 06:39 PM by OBEler

[Misato Katsuragi]

@Adrian colby not before, but  but I honestly should. ill look into it

Edited Thursday at 09:08 PM by Misato Katsuragi

[Misato Katsuragi]

@JosephKnecht I will try to ground myself with that, that was said by Rene Descartes right. But at the same time like i'm so openminded I feel like I can still doubt that, but ill just believe it for now so I don't like fall off the face of the earth. As far as child hood trauma not really I can think, I mean all this shit started once I just sat down and started dismantling my beliefs about reality and realized how it wasn't as solid as I thought it was. But I think it could be that I had a spiritual teacher I'm seeing mention that is what it probably is.

OCD is something I had before all this, DPDR is a new thing im experiencing though, and I dont have a eating disorder really its just I entered a state so detached from reality that eating felt mechanical but luckily I got my appetite back.

and yeah i'm seeing a couple of doctors, right now its way better then when I first started feeling all of this. so I think ill be fine I still weird AF though but I think ill manage

[Misato Katsuragi]

@Hojo it is indeed terrifying whatever it is. it feels like my whole sense of reality previously was a lie

Edited Thursday at 09:22 PM by Misato Katsuragi

[Misato Katsuragi]

@PurpleTree I think it could be likely especially when its done out of meditation and existential contemplation rather then trauma which there really was no traumatic event that could trigger this for me. IMO my theory is that DPDR and the fear/panic that comes from it is just when you enter a state of awareness, that you weren't prepared for and instead of it being liberating and freeing its terrifying as you realize everything you ever knew wasn't necessarily true. IDK though but theres a great YT video on it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA&t=203s

Edited Thursday at 09:21 PM by Misato Katsuragi

[emil1234]

1 minute ago, Misato Katsuragi said:

 

IMO my theory is that DPDR and the fear/panic that comes from it is just when you enter a state of awareness, that you weren't prepared for and instead of it being liberating and freeing its terrifying as you realize everything you ever knew wasn't necessarily true. 

this is certainly what it feels like. transcending DRPR is basically being able to let go further into it thus embracing and transcending it

[Misato Katsuragi]

@emil1234 I will certaintly try like thank god im still able to reason and know right and wrong, I was terrified my ability to reason was going to go out the window the deeper I went into these states of uncertainty on reality, but i'm still here even if it feels like I saw something I shouldn't have.

[Hojo]

@Misato Katsuragi I am not sure where I am but it seems to be the case that when you have an experience you see that you are not a human. So to me its the definition of depersonalization, its literally the realization that I am not a person. It was a lie but you shouldnt focus on that. God give you new perspective, explore it. This new perspective is a lie too. Anything your mind tries to logically form around should be ignored the mind is there to fuck you.

Edited Thursday at 09:24 PM by Hojo

[Misato Katsuragi]

@Hojo yeah like TBH my way to deal with is that I just straight up ignore it and after I while I forget whatever thoughts im having. like its crazy how much my mind makes it worst. I could always come back to this, but like in this state like I need to like remember that im a human and who I am before before exploring more altered states of consciousness if its something I want to do. So I can get grounded again.

[PurpleTree]

29 minutes ago, Misato Katsuragi said:

@PurpleTree I think it could be likely especially when its done out of meditation and existential contemplation rather then trauma which there really was no traumatic event that could trigger this for me. IMO my theory is that DPDR and the fear/panic that comes from it is just when you enter a state of awareness, that you weren't prepared for and instead of it being liberating and freeing its terrifying as you realize everything you ever knew wasn't necessarily true. IDK though but theres a great YT video on it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA&t=203s

I agree. I have something similar sometimes.

[Hojo]

@Misato Katsuragi I am not sure its there to fuck you all the time but society has had us programmed our minds to create a random voice that talks in the complete wrong direction. Its almost like they curse you with an insane power and dont teach you how to use it. Then create so many problems that you will almost automatically fuck up if you are not super conscious as a child. We can reprogram we just have to be conscious of our thoughts at all times and do mantras and tell our bodies we love them.

You can program your mind to just say I love you all day non stop and you wont be thinking about this stuff.

Edited Thursday at 09:54 PM by Hojo

[The Crocodile]

3 hours ago, OBEler said:

Depersonalization always has a root in unsolved fear/trauma. It's a  protection mechanism. It has not really something to do with enlightenment.

hahaha what

[Infinite Tsukuyomi]

15 hours ago, Misato Katsuragi said:

14 hours ago, Adrian colby said:

Basically though, you need certainty on your beliefs to function as a human being, ever since those were shaken and destabilized, I've been trying to deal with the fear, and ill be honest I don't think I was ready for it.

Exactly, sanity is taken for granted because no one has insanity to contrast it with. The saving move is the realization that the illusion of free will and everything else that you deconstructed works fine even as an illusion. Your mind will re-stabilize in the coming days and weeks most likely. Continuing to get on here and chat with everyone will help as well.