How do deal with anger?

[manuel bon]

How to do it? 

I'm usually not angry, but when I am, I see that I have lots of suppressed anger ready to come out.

If I tell myself to calm down I suppress this emotion. I'm learning to be mindful and present with anger, but still when I'm angry I become like an animal, explosive and violent.

I need help.

[Sugarcoat]

Sometimes anger or frustration can come about when we aren’t confident in our ability of asserting ourselves in relation to others, or setting boundaries. So that lack of healthy expression in those areas can cause build up of frustration, both within ourselves or directed at others. So learning to deal with those weaknesses and develop a healthy expression of assertiveness and boundaries etc can help to not have built up frustration. 
 

One example is like how a people pleaser can develop frustration
 

 

Edited Tuesday at 03:49 PM by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

I never know what we're supposed to answer to "How to deal with..." topics.

[manuel bon]

@Sugarcoat I understand. 

But I feel my main anger issues come from my dad. He has a brain injury and it's indeed frustrating and difficult af. Most of the times I'm compassionate and trying to be helpful etc. but it's super difficult. 

This is the situation that probably creates blocked and suppressor anger.

[Sugarcoat]

6 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I never know what we're supposed to answer to "How to deal with..." topics.

It’s because you don’t know how to deal with it yourself #burn #micdrop

[manuel bon]

5 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I never know what we're supposed to answer to "How to deal with..." topics.

I understand. What is your relationship with anger? Do you or did you also have the reactions I get? If yes do you want to change them/did you manage to change them?

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, manuel bon said:

@Sugarcoat I understand. 

But I feel my main anger issues come from my dad. He has a brain injury and it's indeed frustrating and difficult af. Most of the times I'm compassionate and trying to be helpful etc. but it's super difficult. 

This is the situation that probably creates blocked and suppressor anger.

So he has brain damage that makes him act slow or something so it’s frustrating to deal with him? I understand you might not wanna show you’re angry because it can come off as disrespectful. The only thing I can come up with is you could maybe express your frustration some time in a calm respectful manner, like sharing your problem. Or take some deep breaths and remove yourself from him from a little while when anger comes up 

[Rishabh R]

@manuel bon Accepting anger is the best way I have found to deal with it. I knew w it's tough but you can do it.

[manuel bon]

1 minute ago, Rishabh R said:

@manuel bon Accepting anger is the best way I have found to deal with it. I knew w it's tough but you can do it.

I do accept anger itself, but not how I act. I can't be violent with words and actions. 

I accept the emotion but I don't want to act the way I do.

[manuel bon]

@Sugarcoat you can't communicate to him, he won't understand. 

One example is: my mom, dad, and I are in another country for him to do an intensive therapy. After the accident tho, he became super lazy, and he doesn't want to do. We try to explain that he has to do it to have his life back, and also because we spent tens of thousands of euros for this. And he says: "yes yes!".  But he doesn't really understand. Or maybe he does, but he doesn't remember.

So if in some moment I communicate my anger he doesn't understand. Or maybe he starts laughing for no reason.

[manuel bon]

8 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

The only thing I can come up with is you could maybe express your frustration some time in a calm respectful manner, like sharing your problem

It's a good advice and I'll use it with people, thank you! Even tho I recognize that in the moment I'm angry it's difficult to have a lucid mind and be able to communicate effectively like this.

[Sugarcoat]

3 minutes ago, manuel bon said:

It's a good advice and I'll use it with people, thank you! Even tho I recognize that in the moment I'm angry it's difficult to have a lucid mind and be able to communicate effectively like this.

No problem. First step is that recognition you’re on the right path

[Schizophonia]

12 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It’s because you don’t know how to deal with it yourself #burn #micdrop

I have no reason to be angry, I don't need medication to make my private parts bigger 😘

#roasted

[Schizophonia]

21 minutes ago, manuel bon said:

I understand. What is your relationship with anger? Do you or did you also have the reactions I get? If yes do you want to change them/did you manage to change them?

I sometimes get angry here and there but I don't know, it's not a subject for me; It's just like that and it passes.

Also, since you're talking about your father, in your case I would have simply moved away from him.
Not motivated by anger but precisely to avoid it, I don't have too many qualms about being selfish or necessary.

Same if I have children for example, I'm completely for having children but at the same time I'm not going to worry too much about them; I'll work on my role as a father there's no problem but I won't be a helicopter parent at all.

Even if I were a Nazi I wouldn't care about having a homosexual son for example lol, because I wouldn't be too lazy to get angry about that; I prefer to invest in my own business, besides generally it's women who love their children.

If I answered your question

[manuel bon]

@Schizophonia I see your point and I agree.

11 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Also, since you're talking about your father, in your case I would have simply moved away from him.

I live abroad away from my family, but I come back once per month/2 months. I will go back to my city after I finish my studies to help my mom. This situation has become terrible, and it's not about helping my dad anymore, it's about helping my mom. She's alone and has only me and my brother. 

Anyway I think I have an anger problem, and in this case my dad is the main trigger, but if he wouldn't be, it would probably be my mom, or other things, idk. I can't walk away from problems because they make me angry. That's why I ask about anger here, to see which are the ways to be better.

[manuel bon]

15 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I sometimes get angry here and there but I don't know, it's not a subject for me; It's just like that and it passes.

Btw I'm glad that for you it's not a big deal!

[Princess Arabia]

Would you make a post asking how to deal with happiness. Why single out anger. Stop picking on anger and it won't bother you. Do you see how we create our own dilemmas. Let life flow through you. It's only a problem because of your stories surrounding anger, like the ones you're giving in this thread. They're just stories. Life is present, why bring up the past. You will be 80yrs old asking how to deal with anger. 

What I do is, I get angry....I notice it and I move on. No issues. I don't chastise myself or blame myself or judge myself or criticize myself for it. In two minutes I'm fine again.

Keep doing this with every emotion and you'll notice how they pass like the clouds. Happiness, sadness, joy, anger, doesn't matter. Stop making a big deal about them. This is why the search for happiness is a curse. Can't have one without the other. Bliss my ass.

Edited Tuesday at 04:59 PM by Princess Arabia

[manuel bon]

@Princess Arabia I totally agree with you with most of what you say.

Yes, those are stories, but they do happen in the now, and it's a very unpleasant now. I am doing strong mindfulness work, and I can say that I live in the now most of the time, me making this post is about reflection and growth, not about blaming or criticizing.

The problem is not anger, as I said before, but how I act because of it. I can move on, and I do, but the people that I hurt don't. And apart from this, I simply don't want to hurt the people around me (this is what the whole post is about, but maybe I was not clear enough), and if I learn what anger is, and how to deal with it, I can be a healthier person with myself and others. Hence this post.

[Rishabh R]

@manuel bon You are doing good by accepting the emotion of anger. Let it flow through you by feeling through it and later act in a way that would be better for you and others.

Hope your dad is well. 

[Ero]

Go hit the gym.

I have a lot of aggression and have found weightlifting and powerlifting especially good for this.

It is a physical emotion after all.