The biology behind bonding

[trenton]

I had an important discovery recently that helped me recover from past relational trauma. I used to be mad at myself and see myself as weak and flawed because I loved my father. My father was a gangster involved in countless crimes including drug deals, extortion, and the sexual exploitation of minors. I blamed myself because I didn't turn him into the police which could have prevent him and his gang from hurting other people. Part of this is due to survivor's guilt from sex trafficking. Part of me says I somehow could have protected the innocent.

I recently discovered that I had no conscious control over my love for my father. Bonding is based on many underlying biological processes which in turn strongly influence our surface feelings and thoughts. This is by design because evolution required children to form strong bonds with caretakers regardless of the immoral behavior involved. The result is that I easily rationalized that it was for the best that I don't turn my father into the police. This entire process was the result of unconscious forces beyond my control. It is therefore not fair to judge my moral character based on these factors. This helped me to stop the inner conflict I had with myself around loving someone evil.

My new goal is now not to avoid loving other people for fear of exploitation. It is instead to design a more resilient form of love which does not blind me to the dark side of someone I love. This is hard to do because this is a fundamental tension between human biology and moral integrity. It is hard to not be compromised by these unconscious forces into aiding in evil even if inadvertently. This kind of phenomena can be seen not just in my relationship with my father but also in cases of domestic violence in which the victim loves the abuser too much and thus tolerates clear devilry.

As I seek to build a more resilient from of love, I would like to better understand the biology behind different types of bonds. This includes men and women in romantic relationships, parents, fathers and their sons or daughters, mothers and their sons or daughters, siblings, humans and pets, and humans and objects. I want to know how these bonds are different based on the type of relationship and what kind of feelings and thoughts are likely to emerge as a consequence of biology.

As I understand how bonds are formed I want to use this information to form more resilient love that is resistant to manipulation and evil. How do you resolve this fundamental tension between biology and morality? How should you handle the situation when someone you love is evil but your mind instinctively rationalizes and defends them as if they are extensions of yourself?

[Sugarcoat]

Separate feelings from your logic. First step is to become aware of emotionally biased thinking and see it for what it is. Be more interested in the truth of the matter, truth in general to “shield” against this tendency. Be interested in your own reactions and understanding of yourself so you can have a neutral observational view of your own mind/emotions and be open to them and see them for what they are. 

[Emerald]

One thing that could be important to take into account is that your dad likely repressed his own guilt and his own conscience to enable him to continue doing these crimes.

And there is a saying that goes something like "The biggest burden to the child is the unlived life of the parent."

So, you may even be taking on the burdens of your father's guilt... and taking it on as your own.

There's also dynamics where people who are in powerless or very low power situations, can tend to internalize blame and shame themselves in order to give the illusion of power.

These are just some other dynamics that I've seen a couple clients of mine (who have criminal parents) go through.

But the reality is that you were not to blame for anything that was going on. And expecting yourself to turn him in, is almost like expecting yourself to cut your own limb off... as children are wired to bond with their parents out of a deep survival need.

[trenton]

@Emerald it was Carl Jung that said that. I have been reading about him to learn more about self love.

In terms of the unlived life of my father and his father, they told me a lot about being good. My grandpa carried intense guilt and trauma because of his former involvement with gangs and his son ended up getting involved in gangs as well. When my grandpa told me to be good he was trying to steer me away from the path he went down which locked him out of many opportunities in life. My grandpa later stopped his life of crime but my father never stopped. The narrative they told me was one about redemption and breaking the cycle of criminality.

This narrative holds parallels with how I think about life purpose. A big part of me seeking purpose has to do with redemption and what I believe is my fundamental lack of self worth. This is why I'm writing about self love. I automatically judge myself as evil despite having tons of evidence to the contrary. I'm trying to find a way to think about life purpose that does not involve redeeming myself for being inherently unworthy of love, and instead is built upon things that bring me joy. I am pretty much lost as to what that might be.

For now the best I know is to keep seeking self knowledge and understanding. This serves to create inner harmony and self acceptance. I am also trying to undo the entire protective identity I formed in response to trauma. It likely masks my authentic values and the authentic self that was lost in the chaos.

As for the unlived life of my mother I'm not sure what burden I might be carrying. She had children as a result of statutory rape from my father and had to drop out of high school. She said that raising kids forced her to think about someone other than herself. My mother is what I believe to be the source of my redemption narrative. She was the one who accused me of sexually abusing my sister when I was six which made me feel unworthy of love. This is when I started taking things like life purpose seriously to justify my existence rather than kill myself. Purpose is redemption in this context.

I don't know what my mom most wanted out of life. Whatever it was it was probably sacrificed in favor of having kids and raising them as a single mother. She also struggled with bipolar disorder.