Struggling with Childhood Trauma – Looking for Advice

[ularyel]

Hello,

I’ve been trying to work through some childhood trauma that I became aware of about three years ago. I’ve been doing a lot of things to help myself—therapy, meditation, journaling, and also MDMA couple times. I’ve also been re-watching @Leo Gura’s forgiveness video almost every week for the past four months. But even after all this time, I still feel like the trauma has a grip on me.

I get that healing isn’t something you can rush, and I’m trying to find that balance between working on it and not pushing myself too hard. But when you notice how much it messes with your day-to-day life—like never feeling rested or safe—it’s hard not to try to find better ways to get over it.

Here’s what happened:

When I was around 5 or 6, I had these twin friends who were a year older than me. We were really close and spent a lot of time together. One day, we were playing at my house, and out of nowhere, they asked me to take off my clothes. They started undressing me, this is where my memory gets really fuzzy. It’s like my brain just shuts down when I try to think about it. I remember hiding in a closet with them, and I think they touched my penis, but I can’t say for sure. The whole thing feels like a blur. Also one of them got naked as well.

For most of my life, I didn’t even think about this memory. It wasn’t until three years ago that I connected it to why I always feel so on edge and unsafe. Even now, it’s not something my brain wants to revisit—I have to really focus, or meditate or when I’m talking about it, to bring it up. I’ve started telling a couple of close friends, which feels like a step forward, but there’s still this shame that sticks to me before I start to talk about it.

I feel like I’m making progress, but wanted to get ideas if anyone else dealt with something like this? How did you get through it? What helped you feel like you were finally moving past it?

[shree]

Hi @ularyel

I am sorry for what happened to you.

First I would like to say this: forgiveness comes organically - It shouldn't be forced.

You can use Leo's forgiveness technique when you feel like you healed of the trauma.

Otherwise you would be gaslighting yourself.

 

Second

If you think that your trauma is not severe, you could try diving in it using low doses of long lasting psychedelics.

It will feel like opening an old wound, maybe even like dying.

You will need to clean the old wound in order for it to heal.

You do healing work by feeling the original trauma emotions that you probably didn't allow your self to feel at the moment.

You let your body react in the way you feel it's proper for such situations when you dive into your memory. Reactions can be screaming, hitting or whatever you feel like you need to do in the moment.

 

Thirdly

Shame is natural residue of such trauma.

You need to learn to own it. Do not run away from it.

Write down on a paper all the things you are ashamed of. Recognize the emotions that arise while reading the list. Accept them.

 

Shame will eventually go avay, and if you learn to feel and accept the emotions that come up, traumatic responses will eventually also go away.

 

When you did that. You can use Leo's forgiveness technique and some self love affirmations for several weeks to ingrave them in your subconscious mind.

 

I hope this helps. Wish you all the best.

[LifeEnjoyer]

What happened to you really sucks, man. 

My meditation teacher at my college recently suggested a book to us all called "The Body Keeps the Score." Have you heard of it? It's on trauma and it could help you.

[Ulax]

@ularyel IFS therapy and somatic experiencing, and yoga can be helpful imo

[Raze]

Try trauma sensitive mindfulness, EMDR or Andreas NLP Trauma relief