Meditation Journal

[Tistepiste]

Keeping this as simple as possible. For now.

I have the tendency to make things way too complex than they should be and start with crazy goals and mind stories about it.

Changing my ways.

The goal is to

- meditate at least 3x a week. 45 min. per session.

- shortly describe what I went through

To

- create consistency

- recognize patterns 

- go inwards instead of outwards

 

[Tistepiste]

First week passed.

Going through a long period of emotional distress that started in December.
Honestly it humbled me. Just shows how deeply rooted my insecurities still are.

After a period of being in monkey mind from the moment I wake up to going to sleep for about a month, things have become more stable again.

Forced my self to watch the breath.

Pain surfaced around my heart area, the usual spot where pain resides in my body. Instead of indulging in that pain, I am trying to observe it.

The meditation sessions went pretty smoothly. 

Edited February 28 by Tistepiste

[Tistepiste]

I realized, now more than ever.

One of my biggest triggers in life is being told how I feel or who I am.

My other triggers are injustice and misrepresentation of who I am

But let's talk about the first one for now.

This trigger has stolen an insane amount of peace in my life. Almost unbelievable.

It's where I know and feel something is not mine, but is being pushed on me by another person that believes whole heartedly I should feel, think or am something I am not.

It's as if I am fighting with an invisible power. I am trying to make sense of what someone else is pushing on me, and a great resistance is created from within.

The attraction is wanting to take that person seriously, because they speak from the heart.

The counter is knowing that my heart is not on the same level.

It's like two hearts fighting an invisible battle.

And it's all happening in the mind.

I think, feel, it roots from "I'm not okay, you're okay"

Where I question my own sense of reality and experience in favor of someone else's. As if they're speaking "truth" while I know they're not.

But who am I to know? Who is anyone to know?

Why state something as a fact when everything is ambiguous?

Creates a lot of tension and circular thoughts.

I am aware of all of this. Now I need to let go. Recognize the pattern. Feel into it. And let go.

But these are just words..

Edited March 6 by Tistepiste