How to deal with conflict

[Ima Freeman]

Experience shows me that I'm bad at handling conflict with others. Be it coworkers, family or friends. 
If someone is opposed to something I did or there are arguments I can't really handle it emotionally.
My first instinct is to not give anyone any surface, to be somewhat ignorant.
Even if I stood up for myself, I have strong emotions that run my mind afterwards.
My knees get shaky and I feel resentment.

Are there techniques to get better with handling confrontations and be calm during it?
 

[DianaFr]

My personal favorite in instances like these are CBT techniques, STAR method in particular. It stands for Situation, Thoughts & feelings, Actions, Results. It makes you examine what exactly takes place in each situation and what's your reaction to it, which in turn allows you to notice patterns. Once you've done looking at the present situation, you can create the alternative STAR - how would you LIKE to take hold of the situation, what thoughts you ought to be thinking to act in your preferred way etc. Than it's a matter of bridging the gap with practice and rewriting your normal behavioral pattern with a new one. 

[Ima Freeman]

@DianaFr Thanks for sharing

The thing is that I always react calm and try to minimize damage.
But I can get very resentful, can hardly shake that feeling and want to ban people from my life.
My ego is hurt very easily, and I don't want that. I wan't to be at ease and not so vulnerable.

[shree]

@Ima FreemanYou could try inner child dialoguing to explore the root cause. It’s likely tied to a deeper fear you may not be fully aware of.

[gettoefl]

Conflict is always how you see things and nothing to do with what others do. The key to dealing with conflict is having solid boundaries and being hyper selective who you allow access to you. If you have no say in the matter then label others as friend or foe and proceed accordingly. Friends get the authentic you and foes get bare presence and, as soon as business is conducted, polite withdrawal. Many people are not helpful for you and need to be kept away. Let others seek conflict but play no part in it. In this way, every day can be conflict free. This all reminds me of a quote: Before you think your life is a complete disaster, make sure you're not surrounded by assholes.

Edited Thursday at 01:25 PM by gettoefl

[Human Mint]

Avoiding it. That's the only way you'll end up meeting people that won't create conflict mindlessly. It is like a virus and you'll quickly adopt a conflictive attitude. It is easy when you have nothing to lose, but often times you'll have to sacrifice a paid position or friends.

[Aaron p]

Annihilate yourself with psychedelics lol

[UnbornTao]

Good question.  

[Nilsi]

Embodiment.

In Germany, we have the saying "aus sich herausfahren," which literally means to leave one’s body in the heat of an argument - and that’s exactly what it can feel like in intense conflict, and probably what you’re afraid of, unless you’re a psychopath or a schizo. Instead, try to stay grounded, centered, and confront the situation from that place.

Peter Ralston’s Zen Body-Being is an excellent manual for embodying this state.

[Schizophonia]

Can you give a precise exemple ? 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Honest communication, express exactly what you are thinking and feeling. No manipulation tactics.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkuZnyLASLo
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uc3ARpccRwQ

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

It is a good question - and different strategies apply to different situations.

Is this question more related to work, or purely interpersonal relationships?

It is helpful to have a strong divide between the two.

With work: I am here to do a job, and in the end, as long as I am not being offensive, any emotional issue another party has is their own inability to regulate their emotions. I treat others with kindness and respect as a rule. But I am firm & relentless. Brutal with honesty. My issues in work arise when men cannot receive clear orders from a woman without fluff and padding along with it. Just their cultural conditioning there.

In personal relationships: I have grown to the stage where I have the emotion & can observe it, but I am disconnected from it. I let it wash over me and then leave. I never, EVER, take action or make a decision while in a charged emotional state.

It helps to try to see where you may be 'approval seeking' in your life.

From your elaboration, it seems that instead of accepting and embracing the charged emotion (then letting it recede) you are attempting to power through and disregard your own needs. Or perhaps you are squashing it down?

This is an issue with boundaries, and if not attended to, will lead to resentment.

'Poor me' thinking.

Self pity.

It is a form of self abandonment.

Most issues that you feel internally that linger, and cause renumeration, arise as a result of ones inability to reconcile responsibility.

Inability to reconcile responsibility is really the root of trauma.

[Ima Freeman]

@Human Mint I did that in the past, but the problem arises when you have agonistic people around, who use your lack of boundaries and niceness to assault you. 

One thing I suspect is, that I have a personality that is prone to be attacked, for whatever reason. Maybe I'm quirky, or not the witiest or fastest, I only suspect

Some might get trough with such an personality because they are cheerful and kind of a goof, but I'm quite tense and sober at the ground level
 

[Ima Freeman]

On 22.2.2025 at 1:13 PM, Aaron p said:

Annihilate yourself with psychedelics lol

I have to be careful.

Last time I took a normal dosed trip of LSD, I had some emotional trouble at the end of the trip, causing me to frantically leaving my flat, feeling a slightly panic followed by being teary and having a fall in my self-esteem, then I went jogging because I was so agitated 

Something like annihilation is something I won't follow because I tend to have emotional disregulation and I could run into panic attacks 
I like to nudge myself into meditative states or higher contemplative states carefully with moderate doses

[Ima Freeman]

20 hours ago, Nilsi said:

Embodiment.

In Germany, we have the saying "aus sich herausfahren," which literally means to leave one’s body in the heat of an argument - and that’s exactly what it can feel like in intense conflict, and probably what you’re afraid of, unless you’re a psychopath or a schizo. Instead, try to stay grounded, centered, and confront the situation from that place.

Peter Ralston’s Zen Body-Being is an excellent manual for embodying this state.

The problem is my body can't handle confrontation. I feel nauseous, shaky, heartracing, sweating
I'm pretty sympathetic and nervous generally

[Ima Freeman]

21 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Can you give a precise exemple ? 

Lately I asked to friends for postponing a date for a little time, came late to that and one was very directly projecting his anger onto me
Looking back his anger was justified, but I still plan to cut him out of my life, because I feel disrespected.

A coworker had a very disregarding attitude towards me after I respectfully turned her romantic longing to me down.
I tried to ignore her passive aggressive attitude and stayed stoic. But I felt bad because I can't stand people disrespecting me.
Basically she was in such an attitude where nothing would have really helped other than a clear rebuke from the higher ups.
I did not even tell my manager once.

In another workplace, a pretty unregulated one, I had some quarrels because I was trying to improve things, but in a direction one coworker did not like. That was a quite reactive and immature person when coming to a dispute with someone. I was  setting up boundaries in a respectful way, but did not urge the manager running the place to settle the dispute for good. He was not interfering much.  

Mostly it comes down to me being someone who is very autonomous, which is not liked and seen as a threat by some people.
I'm not really communicative with others and can even get purposefully ignorant to the elephant in the room (the conflict)
And I tend to be hurt quite easily and have the impulse to cut people from my life

[Ima Freeman]

20 hours ago, Spiritual Warrior said:

Honest communication, express exactly what you are thinking and feeling. No manipulation tactics.

This might be seen as to hysteric because of how easily I feel hurt

On the other hand I manipulate by being ignorant, like having no surface

[Ima Freeman]

18 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

In personal relationships: I have grown to the stage where I have the emotion & can observe it, but I am disconnected from it. I let it wash over me and then leave. I never, EVER, take action or make a decision while in a charged emotional state.

Very helpful. Thank you.
The eMotion tries to push me to a fight or flight reaction