How to deal with conflict

[Ima Freeman]

Experience shows me that I'm bad at handling conflict with others. Be it coworkers, family or friends. 
If someone is opposed to something I did or there are arguments I can't really handle it emotionally.
My first instinct is to not give anyone any surface, to be somewhat ignorant.
Even if I stood up for myself, I have strong emotions that run my mind afterwards.
My knees get shaky and I feel resentment.

Are there techniques to get better with handling confrontations and be calm during it?
 

[DianaFr]

My personal favorite in instances like these are CBT techniques, STAR method in particular. It stands for Situation, Thoughts & feelings, Actions, Results. It makes you examine what exactly takes place in each situation and what's your reaction to it, which in turn allows you to notice patterns. Once you've done looking at the present situation, you can create the alternative STAR - how would you LIKE to take hold of the situation, what thoughts you ought to be thinking to act in your preferred way etc. Than it's a matter of bridging the gap with practice and rewriting your normal behavioral pattern with a new one. 

[Ima Freeman]

@DianaFr Thanks for sharing

The thing is that I always react calm and try to minimize damage.
But I can get very resentful, can hardly shake that feeling and want to ban people from my life.
My ego is hurt very easily, and I don't want that. I wan't to be at ease and not so vulnerable.

[shree]

@Ima FreemanYou could try inner child dialoguing to explore the root cause. It’s likely tied to a deeper fear you may not be fully aware of.

[gettoefl]

Conflict is always how you see things and nothing to do with what others do. The key to dealing with conflict is having solid boundaries and being hyper selective who you allow access to you. If you have no say in the matter then label others as friend or foe and proceed accordingly. Friends get the authentic you and foes get bare presence and, as soon as business is conducted, polite withdrawal. Many people are not helpful for you and need to be kept away. Let others seek conflict but play no part in it. In this way, every day can be conflict free. This all reminds me of a quote: Before you think your life is a complete disaster, make sure you're not surrounded by assholes.

Edited Thursday at 01:25 PM by gettoefl

[Human Mint]

Avoiding it. That's the only way you'll end up meeting people that won't create conflict mindlessly. It is like a virus and you'll quickly adopt a conflictive attitude. It is easy when you have nothing to lose, but often times you'll have to sacrifice a paid position or friends.

[Aaron p]

Annihilate yourself with psychedelics lol

[UnbornTao]

Good question.  

[Nilsi]

Embodiment.

In Germany, we have the saying "aus sich herausfahren," which literally means to leave one’s body in the heat of an argument - and that’s exactly what it can feel like in intense conflict, and probably what you’re afraid of, unless you’re a psychopath or a schizo. Instead, try to stay grounded, centered, and confront the situation from that place.

Peter Ralston’s Zen Body-Being is an excellent manual for embodying this state.

[Schizophonia]

Can you give a precise exemple ? 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Honest communication, express exactly what you are thinking and feeling. No manipulation tactics.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkuZnyLASLo
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uc3ARpccRwQ

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

It is a good question - and different strategies apply to different situations.

Is this question more related to work, or purely interpersonal relationships?

It is helpful to have a strong divide between the two.

With work: I am here to do a job, and in the end, as long as I am not being offensive, any emotional issue another party has is their own inability to regulate their emotions. I treat others with kindness and respect as a rule. But I am firm & relentless. Brutal with honesty. My issues in work arise when men cannot receive clear orders from a woman without fluff and padding along with it. Just their cultural conditioning there.

In personal relationships: I have grown to the stage where I have the emotion & can observe it, but I am disconnected from it. I let it wash over me and then leave. I never, EVER, take action or make a decision while in a charged emotional state.

It helps to try to see where you may be 'approval seeking' in your life.

From your elaboration, it seems that instead of accepting and embracing the charged emotion (then letting it recede) you are attempting to power through and disregard your own needs. Or perhaps you are squashing it down?

This is an issue with boundaries, and if not attended to, will lead to resentment.

'Poor me' thinking.

Self pity.

It is a form of self abandonment.

Most issues that you feel internally that linger, and cause renumeration, arise as a result of ones inability to reconcile responsibility.

Inability to reconcile responsibility is really the root of trauma.