What do you think of situationships?

[Consept]

I'm gonna link a video below from the cut about situationships as an example. 

I'm going to speak about myself personally here as a way to get a bit more internal clarity. So I find myself falling into situationships, it's almost by default and I wonder why that is. What I mean by that is I enjoy obviously having a sexual relationship with someone, I enjoy them loving me and I love them as well and like doing things with them, even travelling etc but when it comes to the full commitment or steps moving forward like moving in, I don't want to do it. I'm honest about this with them so it's not like I'm saying I want to marry them etc but we get stuck in this limbo. 

Now I've come up with some reasons for this, one is a bit self-indulgent but it's I have an avoidant attachment type, which makes sense and because of my childhood, parenting, not seeing healthy romantic relationships it does make sense and is probably a factor. 

Another is I just haven't met someone who I really liked and they really liked me. Every situation has been outweighed where, although I've been very attracted to them, they seemingly love me more than I love them, in that they would be willing to settle down with me, whereas I'm hesitant. I could see a world where if this was more aligned I'd be more inclined to settle down. When I look at the partners I had in retrospect it probably wouldn't have been ideal to settle down with them, not that they were bad, we just didnt match on some key stuff. 

Third is that I prize attraction above compatability. This has some truth to it as well. Attraction is definitely important but I don't think it can be the sole foundation of a relationship. The thing is great sex is really hard to let go, but it's so difficult building a relationship from that. 

So the dilemma I have is that is that situationships obviously feel I need of sex and companionships but they can be seen as unfair on the other side if the other side wants more, which is usually the case. It also limits both parties from finding a much more fuller, compatible relationship. On the flip though, what are you supposed to do to fulfill those needs if either you don't want a full blown relationship right now, or just haven't come across the right person yet? Also what if you're not really into one night stands which don't actually fulfill your needs very well anyway? Should you literally just abstain till you find the right person. 

 

[LastThursday]

I've got nothing concrete, but I get it. Where to start?

4 hours ago, Consept said:

they seemingly love me more than I love them, in that they would be willing to settle down with me, whereas I'm hesitant.

There's a thousand and one different aspects to attraction and to "a relationship". Getting all those things to line up isn't ever going to happen, so a lot of different aspects of a relationship are going to be asymmetrical between you.  Maybe they do love you more, and want to settle with you more, but they themselves will have other qualities which keep you interested in them, i.e. you provide more than they do in other ways. Really, it comes down to, can you satisfy each other enough in your own different ways? Is it "good enough" for each of you?

5 hours ago, Consept said:

On the flip though, what are you supposed to do to fulfill those needs if either you don't want a full blown relationship right now, or just haven't come across the right person yet?

I would see a relationship as a spectrum, from purely platonic to full blown marriage with kids, and everything in between. A situationship is just some point on that sliding scale and you'd be at different points depending on the person. In a way, it's not personal, it's not all you, it's them as well.

5 hours ago, Consept said:

Third is that I prize attraction above compatability.

I think what we're interested can change over time depending on how deep you are into the relationship. Maybe your M.O. is to prize attraction at first, but it could be that that changes once the relationship is established in some way. Attraction is normally multi-dimensional in my experience, you may logically prize certain things, but your body may want and guide you in other ways, sort of under the radar. This maybe is why you're posting about this at all, because there's some dissonance between your what your body desires and what your logical mind desires. In other words, you maybe overthinking things.

5 hours ago, Consept said:

Should you literally just abstain till you find the right person. 

No. Keep going until you find someone that floats your boat enough that you'll escalate. You'll probably know it instantly when you met the person.

Anyway, that's my two pennies' worth.

[Schizophonia]

I like girls for the complicity; Being able to tease them, cuddle them, kiss them etc depending on the context, the "chakras" concerned.

If I have not enough in common with the girl and/or if it sends me back too great a gap with my ideal of myself, I will be able to have sex with her and even love her in a certain way, but it will always be quite poor and "partial" and indeed I will not want to invest myself ; This would be a form of depravity.

If I understood the topic correctly.

[Consept]

@LastThursday

Thanks for your perspective 

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

Maybe they do love you more, and want to settle with you more, but they themselves will have other qualities which keep you interested in them, i.e. you provide more than they do in other ways. Really, it comes down to, can you satisfy each other enough in your own different ways? Is it "good enough" for each of you?

When I say love me more that's not really detrimental to them, if anything it could be to me if I find it hard to let those emotions in or if I'm staying with and selecting partners that have this dynamic. But I like what you say about is it 'good enough' for both sides, that resonates and when you really think about its mind blowing the different dynamics that can happen between different people, to get all of that in sync is very difficult

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

I would see a relationship as a spectrum, from purely platonic to full blown marriage with kids, and everything in between. A situationship is just some point on that sliding scale and you'd be at different points depending on the person. In a way, it's not personal, it's not all you, it's them as well

Yeah this is one thing I kinda overshoot on, I put all the responsibility on myself as if they're not also an active participant that is getting some of their needs met. No one has ever said I've manipulated them into it either, if anything I've probably been a bit too straight forward with the truth. So that's something I need to relax a bit on. I guess a situationship can be a bit of relationship people can feel stuck in or can stunt growth a bit because you're getting some needs met but you can't fully relax into it, there's always an elephant in the room 

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

In other words, you maybe overthinking things.

Probably true 😂

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

No. Keep going until you find someone that floats your boat enough that you'll escalate. You'll probably know it instantly when you met the person.

Yeah this is true, I have met girls before and just kinda liked them instantly, but for one reason or another it didn't really work out. I do think it's worth not forcing things and just letting things flow naturally

 

54 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

This would be a form of depravity.

Why do you say it's depravity?

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Consept said:

 

Why do you say it's depravity?

Because you're basically with someone to get your balls off.

[Consept]

3 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Because you're basically with someone to get your balls off.

But whys that an issue as long as you're honest about it?

[Hojo]

Are you in love an ex girlfriend still?

[integral]

 

[Consept]

8 hours ago, Hojo said:

Are you in love an ex girlfriend still?

Nah why, does it sound like that? 

[gettoefl]

Women have huge incentive to settle and settle down.

Men are not special in finding these typical women.

Men may come to this point of maturity too.

Women are about a decade more mature than men in this regard.

And if they want a family, they have to be.

Be understanding. Be sincere. Be honest. Be kind. Be realistic.

Edited yesterday at 04:38 PM by gettoefl

[LifeEnjoyer]

I don't know if it's just me, but my situation ships are intense, like really intense. Although, the endings are also really intense, like chaos, pure chaos. 

It's not very easy on the mental I'll tell you that

 

To solve the dilemma of not connecting with them as deep as you/them would like, you could check out premasati yoga. There is one technique I like where your basically just doing the wim hof method with her on your lap, really good connecting with them just by staring them in the eyes (you could even begin feeling like you're merging with them, becoming one.) 

[Moon]

I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with this since you’re being honest to them. It’s ultimately up to the women to respect themselves enough to leave if it’s causing them emotional harm.

My version of situationships in the past was guys who wanted me romantically and I really enjoyed our emotional connection, calling most nights, hanging out often… but not liking them enough to be serious with (and no sex lol). The ones that stayed longest had the least self respect. 

It’s not the worst thing to do until you find someone you definitely want. Better than settling out of fear of being alone or out of pity.

Avoidant attachment is also something you can definitely heal through clearing your traumatic blocks. I’ve become more securely attached in both romantic relationships and friendships over time tbh, friendships I was very avoidant lol
 

Edited 22 hours ago by Moon

[LifeEnjoyer]

12 minutes ago, Moon said:

My version of situationships in the recent past was guys who wanted me romantically and I really enjoyed our emotional connection, calling most nights, hanging out often… but not liking them enough to be serious with (and no sex lol). The ones that stayed longest had the least self respect. 

Lmao you just perfectly described my first situation ship, I was head over heels for this girl meanwhile she was dating a guy. Luckily, I had the self esteem to see my way out. Although I'll admit, I would've liked to keep that friendship with her, she had long blonde hair and was really cool.

[Moon]

8 minutes ago, LifeEnjoyer said:

Lmao you just perfectly described my first situation ship, I was head over heels for this girl meanwhile she was dating a guy. Luckily, I had the self esteem to see my way out. Although I'll admit, I would've liked to keep that friendship with her, she had long blonde hair and was really cool.

😂😂 good for you for walking awayy! But I feel like if you continued the friendship you would still be hurting now

[LifeEnjoyer]

1 minute ago, Moon said:

😂😂 good for you for walking awayy! But I feel like if you continued the friendship you would still be hurting now

Yeah you're right.

Edited 22 hours ago by LifeEnjoyer

[Consept]

1 hour ago, Moon said:

My version of situationships in the past was guys who wanted me romantically and I really enjoyed our emotional connection, calling most nights, hanging out often… but not liking them enough to be serious with (and no sex lol). The ones that stayed longest had the least self respect. 

 Yeah I see this a lot, most girls I know, either dating or friends, always have some guys that are happy to give them attention in the hope that one day they'll see how great they are and suddenly be attracted to them. If it's someone I'm dating and for whatever reason I meet the guy, they automatically hate me lol. But I would say this is more a friendzone thing just because the no sex situation or it could be just a level above friendship maybe. On the flip I think the equivalent of the friend zone for women is the fuckzone. In both the person isn't really getting what they want but they still stick around regardless, which is what you're talking about in terms of self-respect. 

1 hour ago, Moon said:

It’s not the worst thing to do until you find someone you definitely want. Better than settling out of fear of being alone or out of pity

Yeah 100%

 

1 hour ago, Moon said:

Avoidant attachment is also something you can definitely heal through clearing your traumatic blocks. I’ve become more securely attached in both romantic relationships and friendships over time tbh, friendships I was very avoidant lol

I think I've made progress with it tbh, I used to be avoidant in both relationships and friendships lol definitely better with friendships, I'm actually surprised at the progress and relationships are improving as well but a bit slower. Do you feel like you've cleared your traumatic blocks? 

[Moon]

24 minutes ago, Consept said:

 But I would say this is more a friendzone thing just because the no sex situation or it could be just a level above friendship maybe. 

True but in the times where I needed the most attention I was being flirty back, being taken on dates and even calling them pet names, but also letting them know I didn’t actually want a relationship. The sound of this gives me the ick now cos I’ve evolved since then and also the worst cases were kinda messed up of me.

I now don’t require that constant male attention I used to so I don’t really believe in close male friendships for me, maybe casual friends. Consequently this has had a better impact on my female friendships and love for sisterhood, linking to the more secure attachments with them.

25 minutes ago, Consept said:

 On the flip I think the equivalent of the friend zone for women is the fuckzone. 

Yess, exactly how I see it 😅

39 minutes ago, Consept said:

 I think I've made progress with it tbh, I used to be avoidant in both relationships and friendships lol definitely better with friendships, I'm actually surprised at the progress and relationships are improving as well but a bit slower. Do you feel like you've cleared your traumatic blocks? 

Ooh that’s good to hear

I’ve cleared a lot of my blocks to becoming my authentic self especially in the last year or so. I want to say I’ve cleared a huge amount of them but there may be things I’m still unaware of but in terms of friendships and relationships I’d say yes.

Funny you ask this, because I cleared a huge block last week that I didn’t want to let go of for so much of my life relating to issues with my dad. The same day a devil guy from my past showed up after 3 years 😂 and coincidences don’t exist imo 😅 and this recent encounter showed me I know what I deserve and what I want and I’m truly open to love now haha

 

 

[Consept]

36 minutes ago, Moon said:

True but in the times where I needed the most attention I was being flirty back, being taken on dates and even calling them pet names, but also letting them know I didn’t actually want a relationship. The sound of this gives me the ick now cos I’ve evolved since then and also the worst cases were kinda messed up of me.

 Ooh OK yeah that's a bit naughty 😂 

But I guess it's the same as if I was just having sex with someone with no intention of a relationship. Or I dunno do you think it's on the same level?

40 minutes ago, Moon said:

now don’t require that constant male attention I used to so I don’t really believe in close male friendships for me, maybe casual friends. Consequently this has had a better impact on my female friendships and love for sisterhood, linking to the more secure attachments with them.

That's good, sounds like you've made great progress friendship wise. Tbh I think it is difficult to have a purely platonic but really close friendship between a man and woman, not impossible, but usually one side likes the other and wants more whether it's sex or a relationship. Also what I've noticed is if I do have a female friend I'm not really attracted to, as soon as they get a partner they're gone. 

 

43 minutes ago, Moon said:

I’ve cleared a lot of my blocks to becoming my authentic self especially in the last year or so. I want to say I’ve cleared a huge amount of them but there may be things I’m still unaware of but in terms of friendships and relationships I’d say yes.

That's really good, I feel the same in terms of being my authentic self, def wasn't easy but I can relate to what you're saying. 

44 minutes ago, Moon said:

Funny you ask this, because I cleared a huge block last week that I didn’t want to let go of for so much of my life relating to issues with my dad. The same day a devil guy from my past showed up after 3 years 😂 and coincidences don’t exist imo 😅 and this recent encounter showed me I know what I deserve and what I want and I’m truly open to love now haha

Dam 😂 for real though sometimes there's too much synchronicity for it to be a coincidence, seems like it anyway. That's really cool though cos the parent blocks are the toughest, sounds like you're doing really well 

[Moon]

11 hours ago, Consept said:

 Ooh OK yeah that's a bit naughty 😂 

But I guess it's the same as if I was just having sex with someone with no intention of a relationship. Or I dunno do you think it's on the same level?

Lmaoo yea 

I mean it probably is on a similar level. But whether you should continue doing it isn’t so much a right or wrong thing but more what your higher self is taking you through. Certain experiences need to be gone through, certain coping strategies used for different people until you finally learn and develop in the way that you’re here to do imo

The repression of certain desires can often leads to worse behaviours too. So follow your intuition I’d say.
 

11 hours ago, Consept said:

 Tbh I think it is difficult to have a purely platonic but really close friendship between a man and woman, not impossible, but usually one side likes the other and wants more whether it's sex or a relationship. Also what I've noticed is if I do have a female friend I'm not really attracted to, as soon as they get a partner they're gone.  

Yeah I feel there could always be another motive for the guy if I’m friends with him whereas female friendships are more pure with the right people.

Yeah that’s sad, maybe their partners weren’t comfortable with it or the women had other motives with you idk

11 hours ago, Consept said:

 That's really good, I feel the same in terms of being my authentic self, def wasn't easy but I can relate to what you're saying. 

Yess love that

Quote

Dam 😂 for real though sometimes there's too much synchronicity for it to be a coincidence, seems like it anyway. That's really cool though cos the parent blocks are the toughest, sounds like you're doing really well 

Yeah lool there’s a higher intelligence at work and the more synchronicities you experience, you just know there’s a greater orchestration at play

Yes thank youu, may we all thrive and live our best lives haha 💃