Do you remember when you thought spirituality was going to make you smarter?

[thedoorsareopen]

I remember when Leo first started going into spiritual topics, this was I think 2018 or 2019, and I was at the right place and time to go full on into that journey with him, not knowing what I would find. It was all new to me, I thought nonduality was this radical concept. I thought I'd discovered some secret of the universe. I thought that getting into spirituality would make me smarter, more in tune, closer to a supreme intelligence, possibly even able to discover new knowledge and help improve the world in some way.

Instead what I've discovered is that all of the information in my reality is and has always been carefully manipulated at all times to give me certain impressions of things, based largely on my already conditioned beliefs. The world is broken on purpose, because perfection is supposedly boring. In fact, the world is just an appearance and in my human form, I may as well be a cartoon character. And God or whatever was there the entire time, watching every one of my pains.

I supposedly deserved them because I didn't learn certain lessons. Because I was making decisions thinking I was a person who lived in a world. I thought I was completely alone and made no impact. I thought my decisions didn't matter and no one was paying attention. I also thought that being polite and following the rules was the best course of action, and boy is every single piece of stimulus in my reality now determined to tell me that is not the case.

Has anyone else been dragged into this storyline of how the billionaires are keeping the common man down, and golly we just gotta rise up and restore the natural order of things? I liked society the way it was. I'm not looking for a crash to the system. But I guess I had finally made a life for myself in the secular world I thought I lived in, finally figured out how to stop feeling so much inexplicable emotional pain, so now God's gotta bring the hammer down.

I guess every single person I ever saw in my life was also an illusion, but I have seen so many people who had no relationship with God who were healthier than me, more energetic, happier, better teeth, more friends, more laughter, more joy. I'm not sure why I have to be God's bitch boy. I followed a religion, and the people who followed it less strictly than me got rewarded more. So I stopped following it. But I never ended up fitting into secular society much, most of my life I've been a loner. I had good friends, and none of them had any kind of relationship with God, and they also were happier, healthier and enjoyed more and better relationships than I ever did. So then I got into spirituality and over the past 5 years I have seen so many people who have all, day after day, delivered to me the most banal spiritual "advice" while living lives that seem more functional than my life ever has been.

No matter what my relationship to God is, it seems I'm always doing it wrong, always on the outs, can never get it together, and everyone around me is just doing so much better than I ever have, without any practice.

So is that what this is? God became man so man could sit in a hologram of self-degradation? I'm surrounded by people who don't have to have a meditation practice, who didn't have to invest several years in a "spiritual journey," but have more loving families and better teeth than I ever will? 

I remember when I started this shit I thought I was gonna get smarter lol... instead I just learned the metaphysical parameters of a clown world.

It basically just comes down to squirting love through your diaphragm, and whoever can do that the most, wins, I guess.