Troubleshooting Rejection

[Applegarden8]

Greetings, people.

I want to start with.

"Crap! CRAP! I got rejected. What now, I feel pretty terrible."

Of course there are different kinds of rejection, however, I will write about rejection from a potential spouse, mostly from a man's perspective.

Either you got ghosted or denied in your face. You feel unlikable and the people who you want to associated do not want to be associated with you. There might be good reasons for that, both individualistic and social.

I think it's important to consider that woman are usually asked this from men, especially attractive women. But you have to underestand, to help you to not take rejection personally, you have to reflect on this - deciding to invite somebody in your life just by them asking you is not a small thing. Wether you are popular or unpopular or whatever, it's still not a small thing. So the truth is that we are asking for a big thing. That doesn't mean you should feel guilty for asking or feel unworthy. No. But you can get rejected for any reason you will never find, related to you or not related to you even. Underestand that you may be liked or disliked by somebody by the silliest and most trivial or even most counter intuitive or even "bad" things. Just like you deciding to eat healthy and eating junk. So, even if you are on the path of self-actualization and improving your life, even if you have made incredible strides and you literally radiate peace and bliss. You can still be rather undesirable, because you don't have the specific qualities that attract women that you want or women in general.

There looks like to be a down-payment or a skill set as man that you have to possess in order to attract a woman. If you don't have it, nobody (almost and I mean women who you want to date won't, but will expect it as a common sense thing from you) really will tell you that there is something wrong with you and what is wrong with you. So here you are, rejected, hopeless, feeling guilty for who you are time and again.

What are your options practically?

Pick up seems to be the most robust one I have seen. Trying to learn this skill trough hardship, trial and error. The problem with this seems to be, well, how many do I really need? I just need one. But I need to choose wisely. She has to be a specific type. Could you settle for what you can get? How will it affect the rest of your life? What characteristics are critical for having a partner? The logistics and organizing of that is pretty terrible, I get it. And maybe you will never get the thing you want in another person.

Another perspective is the last sentence of previous paragraph. We all have this "american dream syndrome". Meaning, I will have this and that and that and then my life will be great. Will it be though? There are a lot of people in the world, who don't even have the basics. If these people are not near, we don't care about them. If these people are near, we pretend they don't exist or we act sympathetic. But somehow in our brain it doesn't connect that this is a human being also with their dreams and desires. And what they have might be very limited. And I am not only talking about beggars. I am talking about the people who don't have what I have or you have. And that could be a lot of things. Then we see that they seem to live differently or their life is compromised or they really need support from others to change something in their life, but our attitude is quite the opposite. We treat these people like trash almost. I have seen this over and over again. I can be that insensitive also, but at least I don’t deny it.

Life of an individual is usually a very tight bubble where we assume most people live like us, but I see that it's not true. The life that we live with all it's disfunction, as boring, as tiresome, as lonely, as miserable, with some addictions, things we can't change, and so many things is the life we are living. Life is not a projection of material, social and even personal wellbeing as a social reality to others. It's simply not the truth now. But in that condition you have to seek your happiness.

So in this situation I encourage you, the reader, if you can't get laid, if you have the victim mentality, if you didn't get that pleasure and affection from your person, if you constantly feel like somebody is putting in your face that you don't have something or somebody, if you feel displaced, I really underestand and empathize with you.

So the solution is to:

1) Find an activity and develop it for a long time, like doing a hobby seriously to increase your involvement and perception of life;

2) Engage in regular spiritual practice. Underestand that you are not just a rat in the rat race of having and not having something. Meditate, do yoga, do the work which may be the most important kind of work you can do. Let it transform your life and dissolve these conditions society puts on you. If you want. I really wish you to find it. I for sure know what's possible already and I will forever practice some form of spirituality as it's that good.

3) Maybe you even consider being a celibate, face the loneliness, shackles of society, face the deep existential crisis now that those other people will anyway have to face later? How would it feel to lose one of your instinct and what will that vacuum be filled with? How could it transform you? Interesting to consider. 

[EternalForest]

This part really hit home, especially this part: "You feel unlikable and the people who you want to associated do not want to be associated with you. There might be good reasons for that, both individualistic and social."

Because honestly, a lot of times I think...if only they truly knew me, on a deeper level, then maybe they would actually like me? Maybe I'm just not showing them the sides of myself that they would like?

And the trouble is, every interaction goes differently, so it's impossible to know exactly what was missing in any given interaction with someone unless you ask directly. And most likely, if they didn't resonate with you, you won't have further contact with them. So you'll never really know.

Pickup feels fake and mechanical to me. It's hard to be authentically romantic with someone when they're just one of a dozen girls you're hitting on.

Now, regarding the 3 solutions you suggested:

#1. I absolutely agree with this, and it's where most of my energy and attention is channeled!

#2. Once again, I completely agree. The fulfilment you can get from spirituality alone is profound.

#3. I see what you're saying, and your intention here is good but it's hard to be proud of not having everything you want, as you've mentioned throughout the post. Jim Carrey said it best:

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that that’s not the answer."

So yes, you can embrace where you are, and accept celibacy, because when you finally do have sex one day, you must keep in mind that won't change a thing about your life in the grand scheme of things. Our virginity doesn't define us.

Satisfaction doesn't come from out there, it comes from inside (the heart) ❤️

[Tenebroso]

Life is not fair. We should teach young boys this as early as possible. Some men will die alone without experiencing the touch or attention of a woman. Some men will have hundreds, even thousands of lovers. It has nothing to do with how kind, emotionally intelligent, moral you are. 

[Applegarden8]

14 hours ago, Tenebroso said:

Life is not fair. We should teach young boys this as early as possible. Some men will die alone without experiencing the touch or attention of a woman. Some men will have hundreds, even thousands of lovers. It has nothing to do with how kind, emotionally intelligent, moral you are. 

Life seems to be unfair. While that may be good to teach, they also need a solution to be taught with that. I have found that only spirituality remedies this kind of stuff. The deeper your experience of life the less you will feel that life is unfair, despite your circumstances.

[Applegarden8]

On 2/16/2025 at 0:52 AM, EternalForest said:

This part really hit home, especially this part: "You feel unlikable and the people who you want to associated do not want to be associated with you. There might be good reasons for that, both individualistic and social."

Because honestly, a lot of times I think...if only they truly knew me, on a deeper level, then maybe they would actually like me? Maybe I'm just not showing them the sides of myself that they would like?

And the trouble is, every interaction goes differently, so it's impossible to know exactly what was missing in any given interaction with someone unless you ask directly. And most likely, if they didn't resonate with you, you won't have further contact with them. So you'll never really know.

Pickup feels fake and mechanical to me. It's hard to be authentically romantic with someone when they're just one of a dozen girls you're hitting on.

Now, regarding the 3 solutions you suggested:

#1. I absolutely agree with this, and it's where most of my energy and attention is channeled!

#2. Once again, I completely agree. The fulfilment you can get from spirituality alone is profound.

#3. I see what you're saying, and your intention here is good but it's hard to be proud of not having everything you want, as you've mentioned throughout the post. Jim Carrey said it best:

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that that’s not the answer."

So yes, you can embrace where you are, and accept celibacy, because when you finally do have sex one day, you must keep in mind that won't change a thing about your life in the grand scheme of things. Our virginity doesn't define us.

Satisfaction doesn't come from out there, it comes from inside (the heart) ❤️

Celibacy is a very technical support system for an individual, if you use it. I feel that it resonates with me. I still am a virgin and I am almost 30. I really don't care about that. I kinda chose that to pursue music and learn to meditate. But it was not an easy choice. Now I have gained momentum and I can always meditate or focus on my life and that desire will come and go. I have some boomer haters who think I am a failed man and that's just not true. What is failed there is their inability to accept themselves and other people as they are bound to induce and project all of that whenever they think of me. I think that is hell. And these people have "so called" everything or are on the way, but somehow they find time to think about me.

Maybe I will have relationship, I don't know though. I may still decide that. But either I will get the person I want meaning that there is some quality that I really like about her or I will be alone. I am not willing to compromise.

Edited Monday at 07:42 AM by Applegarden8