Seeking advice on assisting toxic father

[Bear632]

My Dad has several severe mental health problems. He is old and probably too far gone in his lifetime to make a complete recovery.

I recently cut ties fairly substantially with him. I told him the only way we'd have contact is via email, and only if he agreed to go to therapy weekly.

I am motivated less about our relationship at this point, and more about my little brother, who is still under his care. 

His symptoms fall under class-B personality disorders (dramatic, emotional, and erratic behavior -- borderline, antisocial, narcissistic). I'm not qualified to diagnose him, but he's presented with all these symptoms. I added *** by the stronger symptoms.

• The presence of two or more distinct personality states (cheerful/kind vs. sadistic/angry)***
• Amnesia and memory disruptions.***
• Identity confusion.
• Disruptions in perception and consciousness.
• Recurrent episodes of impulsive, aggressive outbursts.***
• Rage episodes disproportionate to the trigger.***
• Aggressive behavior that is not premeditated.***
• Low motivation to change
• Manipulative, deceitful
• Lack of remorse or empathy for harming others, or very low***
• Emotional instability and intense mood swings.
• Fear of abandonment.***
• Intense and unstable relationships***
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.***
• Inflated sense of self-importance.***
• Strong need for admiration.
• Lack of empathy.
• Exploitation of others for personal gain.***
• Arrogance and envy.***
• Hypersensitivity to criticism (puts on front that he's unaffected)

If anyone has dealt with a similar kind of person in the past, and been able to crack their heart open even slightly, I'd like to hear from you.

 

 

[Raze]

Tell him to get ifs therapy and try unified mindfulness and Lamotrigine

Edited February 12 by Raze

[puporing]

This is a complex situation you are facing. As on the one hand , you have been healing and are in a place where you want susbtantial/some boundaries with your father. On the other hand, you care about your brother who is under his care. I am not sure the age of your brother and the circumstances surrounding this and whether/how much he is being harmed and if there are any other alternatives for "guardianship"..

It’s good that you care about your brother who appears that he could still be in a vulnerable position.

Since it sounds like your father is currently not receptive to therapy in the near future, my take on this would be to find a way to help your brother create some boundaries and awareness of his situation, and to look for ways to support his path towards more independence.

Generally this kind of “personality” are not very receptive to their child/children being “their teacher”, and even if they were, it may not suit your current mental wellbeing depending on how things would affect you. I’m trying to say you don’t have an obligation to try to be “his therapist” if that is what you are suggesting/thinking of.

I will caution that this type of “personality” will be sensitive to people in his life that he used to have control over “leaving him”, it coule be a trigger and can be unsafe. So in my case I have had to slowly/gradually put distance rather than abruptly.

Again due to the limitations of lack of information it’s hard to say exactly what’s best in your scenario and I am just sharing based on the little bit you are sharing.  

Edited February 13 by puporing

[Letho]

@Bear632

Hey, I see you mate. This is an impossible situation bud but taking the time to reflect says a lot about you as for many they can shut down or go numb in these kinds of dysfunctional situations. Keeping a level head is the goal here. Like, what if your dad never changes? What if no combination of words, ultimatums or boundaries cracks him open even slightly? If that’s the case, what’s your move? How does that shift your approach with your brother?

I ask because I’ve been there in some of my relationships in the past, spinning my wheels, trying to find the angle that might get through. And in doing that, I lost sight of the real mission which was just about protecting the people who could still be reached. It sounds like your brother is your priority, so I'd zoom in there. Right now, what does he believe about your dad? Does he think this is just “normal”? Does he feel trapped? Or has he already started seeing through the cracks? Because the version of reality your dad is feeding him will shape him of course and the best thing you can do is give him an alternate version to hold onto. How are you doing that now? How could you do it more?

And for you... what’s the one thing that makes you hesitate? Like I sense so many different emotions with you. If there’s any part of you still searching for a way to reach your dad, what’s driving that? Is it a belief that everyone has some capacity for redemption? Is it fear of regret later? Or is it just that little voice that says, “If I give up completely, does that make me like him?” (because if so, I promise you, its not gonna)

You’re not crazy for wanting to believe there’s some way through. But if you were standing in your brother’s shoes, what would you want an older version of him to do for you? There’s your answer.

What’s your next move? It's your world trying to join the dots between these worlds, so beyond all the frustration and pain mate, where's the most grounded light from an objective standpoint? Do you have other relatives, friends you can trust who have better insight based on their knowledge of you and the situation?

Feel free to share more. Best.