A Realization About my Behavior

[Nemra]

I was just contemplating and realized that I seek attention often in very subtle ways, as it feels good. Especially when I find someone attractive, I naturally want them to give me attention, as it intensifies the attraction.

I don't know what to feel about this. Generally, I don't like to seek attention, as it's very limiting.

However, it seems that this thing is installed deep inside me.

I would appreciate helpful advice on how to navigate about this realization.

Edited February 11 by Nemra

[Yimpa]

@Emerald This question looks to be right in your wheelhouse. 

[Princess Arabia]

I would be more concerned with why is this a problem.

[Nemra]

@Princess Arabia, because I might be doing things to seek attention without knowing.

I'm not necessarily saying that I want help to get rid of it, but I would not like to seek attention knowingly. Although, in the case of attraction, it might be the exception, as I'm aware of doing it to a degree, and I quite like it.

However, that behavior could negatively affect other areas of my life (doing things for attention but thinking that I'm doing them for other reasons). And I don't know how to prevent that, at least for now.

[Princess Arabia]

1 minute ago, Nemra said:

@Princess Arabia, because I might be doing things to seek attention without knowing.

I'm not necessarily saying that I want help to get rid of it, but I would not like to seek attention knowingly. Although, in the case of attraction, it might be the exception, as I'm aware of doing it to a degree, and I quite like it.

However, that behavior could negatively affect other areas of my life (doing things for attention but thinking that I'm doing them for other reasons). And I don't know how to prevent that, at least for now.

Ok

[Paradoxed]

To receive attention from someone you are attracted to will always feel good. An attention seeker comes off as needy and desperate which is unattractive. So if you want to be attractive, just keep your cool and don't be a weirdo.

Many people do many things for attention and use it as validation. Just be aware of it. Know that there is a deeper fulfillment than attention from others.

Edited February 12 by Paradoxed

[Sugarcoat]

The first step to changing a behavior is to first become self aware about it. So you got that down

It’s natural and healthy to want attention from the one you’re attracted to, if not it could mean you’re insecure as in being shy around them. Or you could seek their attention in a needy way where it feels you ~need~ their attention and in excessive amounts, that can be sign of insecurity too.
 

The healthy way of gaining attention is by simply being you, being interesting, through your expression of yourself, by flirting, essentially attracting them to you. If you don’t know how to do that you might find yourself taking other measures to gain their attention that feel more forced and explicit . Like “I’m doing this to get their attention” rather than just being you and showing interest and that naturally gaining their attention. 

Edited February 11 by Sugarcoat

[Nemra]

Thanks for the answers @Sugarcoat and @Paradoxed.

However, I was talking about deluding myself as if I weren't seeking attention in subtle ways and not specifically attraction. I assure you that, I would say 90% of the time, I'm not needy and desperate around people.

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, Nemra said:

Thanks for the answers @Sugarcoat and @Paradoxed.

However, I was talking about deluding myself as if I weren't seeking attention in subtle ways and not specifically attraction. I assure you that, I would say 90% of the time, I'm not needy and desperate around people.

Thats good then

[Nemra]

@Sugarcoat, to clarify a bit, regarding attraction being intensified, what I meant is that when I see someone attractive for me, by default, I feel the need to appear desirable to them so that I could make them direct their attention towards me and be attracted to me, which then intensifies my feelings towards them.

Edited February 12 by Nemra

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2owjJLUh0rs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0Yw6wNNx7E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vivGQWrXdqA

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, Nemra said:

I was just contemplating and realized that I seek attention often in very subtle ways, as it feels good. Especially when I find someone attractive, I naturally want them to give me attention, as it intensifies the attraction.

I don't know what to feel about this. Generally, I don't like to seek attention, as it's very limiting.

However, it seems that this thing is installed deep inside me.

I would appreciate helpful advice on how to navigate about this realization.

Did you ever feel like you had to stand out in some way to get your parents' approval or attention?

One possible reason is that there's a part of you that's still operating off of a belief that you must differentiate yourself and "niche market" yourself to others to get them to notice.

Does this resonate with you or not so much?

[Sugarcoat]

6 hours ago, Nemra said:

@Sugarcoat, to clarify a bit, regarding attraction being intensified, what I meant is that when I see someone attractive for me, by default, I feel the need to appear desirable to them so that I could make them direct their attention towards me and be attracted to me, which then intensifies my feelings towards them.

That sounds quite normal. Only if you don’t change yourself for them or try to manipulate to seem desirable

Edited February 12 by Sugarcoat

[Nemra]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

Did you ever feel like you had to stand out in some way to get your parents' approval or attention?

I remember that I always got less attention than I needed from everyone as I was growing up.

I always felt free from conforming to others but also felt that I was being neglected too much.

I thought I got rid of needing others attention in very obvious ways by focusing on myself, but it seems I haven't, even can't, or don't know if it's good for me to get rid of it entirely.

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

One possible reason is that there's a part of you that's still operating off of a belief that you must differentiate yourself and "niche market" yourself to others to get them to notice.

It seems like that is true.

I like to be authentic. However, I have always cared, in the past way too much, how I would be perceived by others but not to manipulate them.

Edited February 12 by Nemra

[gettoefl]

Attention seeking is asking, have I brought the right mask to the party. Better to just bring the normal face. Be authentic be humble be flawed. Their feedback if they give it is a measure of their maturity. You already know how you are and who you are. If they see that, that reflects well on them not you. What people says indicates who they are not who you are. Make good choices accordingly.

[Infinite Tsukuyomi]

Where a wristband if you don't already. If you want more consciousness around your attention seeking, it can help remind you throughout the day to look for where you are doing it. 

[Nemra]

@Infinite Tsukuyomi, interesting idea.

 

[Nemra]

@Emerald, did I answer your question?

[Schizophonia]

Can you give a very concrete exemple that happens to you ?

 

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Nemra said:

@Emerald, did I answer your question?

Yes, sorry for the late reply. 

It does seem like the pattern that you mentioned could be coming from that pattern of not being attuned to or paid attention to.

When we have a chronically unmet need like there, there tends to be a part of ourselves that is CONSTANTLY trying to get that need met... even if we are objectively getting that need met in the present tense.

And that's because we build protection strategies to keep ourselves from being fully aware of the pain/vulnerability associated with that unmet need. So, it blocks us from truly receiving that need.

So, it could present itself as an insatiable need for validation and attention that can take many different forms (especially if we block off more direct forms of attention seeking or validation seeking).

For example, I had a lot of judgments as a teenager towards attention seekers. 

But when I was 20, in my second medicine journey, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was always seeking attention because of unmet needs for it... and feelings of insignificance and lack of importance. 

But I hadn't realized that I was seeking attention because I was doing so with hard work and acheivement... and qualities that people generally smile upon.

But I would judge people who would act out and show emotions as weak, annoying, etc. for seeking attention. And I had a deep secret contempt for that kind of behavior.

But when I realized that I was always seeking attention, I decided to be more direct with that needs and later found better ways to communicate it and to feel significant just because I exist... and not because I achieved something.

So, my recommendation is to fully embrace the attention seeking part of yourself and seeking to love and understand it at the deepest level you can without any kind of judgment. Recognize the wisdom inherent in your attention seeking and what it's communicating to you about your traumas, needs, and subjective experience.